Dear Mr. Short Shorts on Hammond Avenue:
I feel compelled to write you a letter about my driving experience on Hammond Avenue last Thursday, July 23. As I was driving south on Hammond after working 9 hours I almost hit a parked car about a half block away from your residence. Why? Because I got a full view of your boy bits as you bent over while mowing your lawn. Now, a normal person wouldn't be flashing cars driving by, but you happened to be wearing very short red shorts. With goggles. I'm all for safety and encourage it with my husband when he's doing dangerous things and not paying attention. But goggles for mowing the lawn? You look like a fly. And the short shorts. Really.
There are children in your neighborhood, senior citizens with faulty hearts, and people driving their vehicles. You cannot be walking around in your short shorts. You just can't. You aren't a 20 year old pool boy. You must be late 50's/early 60's maybe and appear to be in good shape; however, your shape is not good enough to excuse flashing people in your front yard. I don't believe that you do this on purpose, but really- get rid of the shorts. Keep the goggles if you must. I would be willing to donate to your cause of purchasing larger, more age appropriate shorts. Let me know, we'll shop together.