I read the MckMama blog this morning and since I haven't been there in a few weeks, I was going through older posts. I stumbled across this post and that is what has brought this post on. Part of the conversation I had on Sunday was about my marriage. Most of you don't know about the personal struggles Matt and I deal with, and although I would never air them out on my blog, people seem to think I have. I invite you all to look through the last two years of my blog and tell me if you see a post about all of marital problems. You can, but you won't find anything. Because despite what people say or think about it, I love my husband. I really do. I don't know if he loves me the same way anymore, but we're married and I have to trust that he's here because he wants to be and not just because it's easier. Some days, I feel like I'm here because it's easier. I don't know that I could be a single parent. Some people tell me I could do it if I had to, and yes- I probably could swing it, I'm not incompetent. But there are qualifications to being a single parent that I don't know I have. Which is why I married Matt. He has the pieces that I don't have. We make a team for a reason. I didn't have kids alone for a reason. I never wanted all of it on my plate and honestly- I got married thinking it wouldn't ever happen. Because I'm an optimist. Depsite what people may think.
What you read on my blog is not entirely who I am. Am I sarcastic? Yes. Do I often judge things/people? Sometimes I do. Do I use humor to get through the day? Yes. Do I love my kids? Absolutely. Is my marriage great? Nope- and I don't believe anyone's marriage is great.
Things you wouldn't necessarily know about me by reading my blog is that:
- I am a giver. I give to strangers, friends/family, and organizations every chance I get. Because I know that I have a lot more than other people do and I like to help.
- I can get along with just about anybody.
- I get taken advantage of on a daily basis.
- I cry every night before bed.
- I am a bitch only in the sense that I just don't feel the need to pussy foot around something. Just say it.
- Despite what people say, I put other people's feeling ahead of my own 75% of the time.
- I try very hard to make others around me happy.
- I try to avoid conflict whenever possible. Sometimes, I'd rather be unhappy than start a fight.
- Those closest to me really have no idea how much I struggle day to day with personal stuff. What I tell people is probably only 25% of what I'm really trying to handle.
- I don't feel like I am supported by others around me.
It makes me sad that some of those around me think ill of me. But at the end of the day I guess I can't really help it. I try to do everything I can for everybody and that obviously hasn't worked for me. I'm going to continue working on my marriage, because we're in it and we may as well try. I'm going to continue being the best mom I can be. Am I perfect? No. But nobody is. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. I do the best that I can, and I struggle. I'm going through this blind but I'm trying. And that's all that can be asked of me.
I try to be the best wife I can. Anybody who says that I'm selfish really doesn't know me. I'm probably one of the least selfish people I know. I put everyone's needs ahead of my own. I do for Matt before I do for me. I put my kids first, then Matt. If he needs something, I do everything I can to make it happen. I listen to him, I try to be understanding even though I don't understand why he is the way he is, and I turn a blind eye to things I know I can't change because it is who he is. Those around me who say I'm selfish don't know how much I have given up to make others happy. So if you read about me going to a concert? Know that I gave something else up in order to do that. I need to get away to remain sane. My kids need a mother who is happy and can function- not one who is sad, depressed, and stressed out. Matt needs me to be on my best and he knows in order for me to be there- I need alone time. I need time with friends. I'm lucky if I get 5 hours away a month from kids/husband/home. I'm sorry if other people don't get that or never did. But it's crucial to me. If you can handle everything without that- you are a better person than I am.
And I apologize to anyone who feels like I've hurt them, ignored them, treated them badly, or can't do stuff with you without my kids. I'm sorry. I'm a mom. I'm a wife. I work full time. I have many irons in the fire. I'm doing my absolute best and I'm sorry that I'm not perfect and that I can't be everything to everybody. And if you see me cry- leave me alone. It's perfectly alright to feel the way I do. And I'm sorry if after knowing me for 27 years that you don't know me. I obviously failed at some point.
But I do want to say, thank you to my readers. Whether you follow or not- I know you read this blog and that is unbelievable to me. The comments you leave me all get read. The emails you send me are read. I reply every chance I get because I appreciate all of the support you all give me. Your support is what keeps me going everyday. I think of you all often in my day-to-day doings and people are probably sick of hearing me say, "I should blog that!" :) But I don't care. You all are worth it.
So no more sappy posts for me! Nope. I have some kind of quirky posts coming up in the coming days so stay tuned for that. :) AND, I will have a give-away happening again next week sometime, so be sure to come back for that. AND, on November 6 I am going to see Paramore with a good friend of mine, Tammy so I will (hopefully) have pictures and funny stories from that. And a review of the show, of course.