Thursday, October 29, 2009

The reality of my life

I've had a really rough week, people. Not going into all of the details, I will tell you that a person very close to me apparently doesn't like me. I've learned through this person that many people apparently don't like me. Now at first I was obviously upset about this because who wants to hear that? But now that I've had a few days to digest all that was told to me, I realize I don't care. Obviously I want people to like me, I think everyone does. And I know that in the circle of people I have created around me- they all like me. It's mainly the people I didn't choose, the people I inherited when I was born that seem to not like me. Which is what makes this hard to digest. I have also realized when talking to some of my really good friends this week that the people I inherited don't even know me. This saddens me, but when I really look at why they don't know me- it was never because of my lack of effort. They never really took the time to get know me, see what makes me tick, understand or care how I feel. It's all very confusing to all of you, I'm sure, but in the end know that I'm ok with it.

I read the MckMama blog this morning and since I haven't been there in a few weeks, I was going through older posts. I stumbled across this post and that is what has brought this post on. Part of the conversation I had on Sunday was about my marriage. Most of you don't know about the personal struggles Matt and I deal with, and although I would never air them out on my blog, people seem to think I have. I invite you all to look through the last two years of my blog and tell me if you see a post about all of marital problems. You can, but you won't find anything. Because despite what people say or think about it, I love my husband. I really do. I don't know if he loves me the same way anymore, but we're married and I have to trust that he's here because he wants to be and not just because it's easier. Some days, I feel like I'm here because it's easier. I don't know that I could be a single parent. Some people tell me I could do it if I had to, and yes- I probably could swing it, I'm not incompetent. But there are qualifications to being a single parent that I don't know I have. Which is why I married Matt. He has the pieces that I don't have. We make a team for a reason. I didn't have kids alone for a reason. I never wanted all of it on my plate and honestly- I got married thinking it wouldn't ever happen. Because I'm an optimist. Depsite what people may think.

What you read on my blog is not entirely who I am. Am I sarcastic? Yes. Do I often judge things/people? Sometimes I do. Do I use humor to get through the day? Yes. Do I love my kids? Absolutely. Is my marriage great? Nope- and I don't believe anyone's marriage is great.

Things you wouldn't necessarily know about me by reading my blog is that:
  • I am a giver. I give to strangers, friends/family, and organizations every chance I get. Because I know that I have a lot more than other people do and I like to help.
  • I can get along with just about anybody.
  • I get taken advantage of on a daily basis.
  • I cry every night before bed.
  • I am a bitch only in the sense that I just don't feel the need to pussy foot around something. Just say it.
  • Despite what people say, I put other people's feeling ahead of my own 75% of the time.
  • I try very hard to make others around me happy.
  • I try to avoid conflict whenever possible. Sometimes, I'd rather be unhappy than start a fight.
  • Those closest to me really have no idea how much I struggle day to day with personal stuff. What I tell people is probably only 25% of what I'm really trying to handle.
  • I don't feel like I am supported by others around me.

It makes me sad that some of those around me think ill of me. But at the end of the day I guess I can't really help it. I try to do everything I can for everybody and that obviously hasn't worked for me. I'm going to continue working on my marriage, because we're in it and we may as well try. I'm going to continue being the best mom I can be. Am I perfect? No. But nobody is. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. I do the best that I can, and I struggle. I'm going through this blind but I'm trying. And that's all that can be asked of me.

I try to be the best wife I can. Anybody who says that I'm selfish really doesn't know me. I'm probably one of the least selfish people I know. I put everyone's needs ahead of my own. I do for Matt before I do for me. I put my kids first, then Matt. If he needs something, I do everything I can to make it happen. I listen to him, I try to be understanding even though I don't understand why he is the way he is, and I turn a blind eye to things I know I can't change because it is who he is. Those around me who say I'm selfish don't know how much I have given up to make others happy. So if you read about me going to a concert? Know that I gave something else up in order to do that. I need to get away to remain sane. My kids need a mother who is happy and can function- not one who is sad, depressed, and stressed out. Matt needs me to be on my best and he knows in order for me to be there- I need alone time. I need time with friends. I'm lucky if I get 5 hours away a month from kids/husband/home. I'm sorry if other people don't get that or never did. But it's crucial to me. If you can handle everything without that- you are a better person than I am.

And I apologize to anyone who feels like I've hurt them, ignored them, treated them badly, or can't do stuff with you without my kids. I'm sorry. I'm a mom. I'm a wife. I work full time. I have many irons in the fire. I'm doing my absolute best and I'm sorry that I'm not perfect and that I can't be everything to everybody. And if you see me cry- leave me alone. It's perfectly alright to feel the way I do. And I'm sorry if after knowing me for 27 years that you don't know me. I obviously failed at some point.

But I do want to say, thank you to my readers. Whether you follow or not- I know you read this blog and that is unbelievable to me. The comments you leave me all get read. The emails you send me are read. I reply every chance I get because I appreciate all of the support you all give me. Your support is what keeps me going everyday. I think of you all often in my day-to-day doings and people are probably sick of hearing me say, "I should blog that!" :) But I don't care. You all are worth it.

So no more sappy posts for me! Nope. I have some kind of quirky posts coming up in the coming days so stay tuned for that. :) AND, I will have a give-away happening again next week sometime, so be sure to come back for that. AND, on November 6 I am going to see Paramore with a good friend of mine, Tammy so I will (hopefully) have pictures and funny stories from that. And a review of the show, of course.

9 comments:

Sara said...

I could have written this post almost verbatim. What a huge chord you have struck and I'm sure will strike with many moms/wives/women. We all struggle. I had a week from hell in September. Out of the seven brothers and sisters I love, I have one sister that still talks to me. All because of that week and all because they have decided that after the three decades of giving giving giving, I'm an evil person.

I feel ya, babe! Keep trucking!

Smart Ass Sara said...

Thanks, Sara! :) OK, so how do you handle the relatives that don't speak to you? Do you make an effort with them, or is it just a lost cause?

Jerasphere said...

fuck 'em! the best you can do is right by your kids and as long as you can wake up in the morning and look yourself in the eyes in the mirror... fuck 'em!

Sara said...

I guess I follow what my dad tells me, "Some people you just send Christmas cards to. Be polite at family gatherings. But otherwise, they can p*** off." So, I'm polite, I send Christmas cards, and that is the extent of my "trying". Besides the issues with my siblings, my SIL's dislike me quite a bit. Just keep smiling, take care of your family, and maybe after a few decades they will come around. Either way, you and yours are fine.

Some days, though, I want to scream "I AM a nice person!" to the cosmos.

lareinaelena said...

I have to say that I hope you really truly take to heart that you don't care about the bad things people say/think about you. Nobody can handle the burden of thinking/knowing that they are not liked. If you feel good about who you are and what you do, then that alone should make you happy.

In all honesty, I think that when you have a blog (and I do so I speak from experience) that you open yourself up for criticism and attacks. You'll get criticized for anything that you put out into the universe. So you have to be able to stand up for the things you say and do. Does that make sense?

MckMama's post is a GREAT one and she is genuine and real. She is exactly like that in person. There are no surprises when you meet her. Here's the thing (and please know that I am asking this in a supportive way), would you say everything that you write about your marriage/your family/ your friends to them? Would they be hurt by them? If you can say YES you would and NO they wouldn't, then you are doing great. If you feel like you would unintentionally hurt them with your words and/or posts then you should think about that. Would you be okay with somebody writing the same things about you-- sarcastically or not? My general rule is that if I wouldn't say it to the person then I wouldn't write it about the person.

I hope you're feeling okay.

Smart Ass Sara said...

Thanks, Sara! That's pretty much how I plan to handle it. :)

Thanks, Elena! I have always operated under the litmus test of would I say it to their face? And my answer has always and will always be yes. I like to be honest with people, so if someone hurts my feelings, or I think they were out of line then I will always be the one to say something. I don't think it does any good to keep that stuff to yourself. Because if someone is out of line, they should know- they might not even realize they did it. At least that's my hope.

I also know that being a blogger I automatically open myself up to comments, good or bad, and I'm ok with that. And I think I'm a good person at heart. I think, and I've only realized this in the last few days, that I've really come to grips with a lot of not so great things in my life and I've tried to reconcile that and some people don't like it. Some people aren't comfortable with things in their life and now are focusing it on me- as if I should change. I think I'm growing in a more positive direction as a person, and I don't think some people like that I've become more independent, stronger, and more vocal about being disrespected. In the end, I think this will be better for me and my family and at the end of it all- that's what matters most. :)

jprp said...

Hey sara, Ive been following your blog for a few weeks now and I love it! This post struck a chord, (as the other Sara said!) I'm on the other side of some really really hard years marriage wise, I've learnt a lot, but i wont bore you with that all now, all I will say is that dont let any one elses opinion of your marriage blur your view. like you said, no one else knows what you deal with on a day to day basis. the other thing i wanted to say is that you seem to me like a lovely, caring HUMAN BEING! Humans aren't usually saints, so embrace all the good things you do, recongnise them, maybe see what you can do to fix what you dont like about your personality, but dont dwell on them, our imperfections make us us! whoa, sorry for the essay! But us girls need to stick together, not bring each other down in the name of self validation. In my eyues, youre a great person :)

Jessica said...

Hello there! :)

I for one have many people who don't like me. Like you, I just tell myself: "why should I care?" My thinking is, so long as I have friends and family who love me for me, then people who don't like me can keep hating. I don't care, I know deep within that I didn't do anything wrong.

I've had misunderstandings with some of my relatives before, but everything turned out well. I guess it's true what they say, that time heals all wounds. Give it time, Sara. I'm sure it will all turn out just fine. :)

P.S. And yes, I will be more than happy to go shopping with you. I love styling people, even my friends go to me when they need fashion ideas. I don't exactly know why, but I'm glad they do! :)

scrapperjen said...

You have hit the nail on the head, my dear! No one and no couple is perfect but the world doesn't need to know about it, either.
HUGS!