Thursday, January 21, 2010

Roadkill. It's what's for dinner.

Let's just get two facts out of the way before I even start this post which is likely to make you vomit. A little. Or a lot if you are anything like me.

1. I? Am a city girl. I'm originally from Florida so I know what living urban means. I don't like wild animals unless they are in a zoo with tranquilizers handy in case they get a little frisky. I don't eat "wild" meat, meaning if it hasn't been injected with dyes and water and comes in cellophane from the grocery store I won't eat it. I don't eat fresh vegetables, fruits, etc. Actually I don't eat those anyways unless you count frozen corn and purple grapes. (No, they aren't red...they are clearly purple). Oh and lettuce. But that is a whole other post. I don't like bugs, I like neighbors and traffic, even neighborhood drug dealers.

2. Matt, my husband, is country. And I say that with love. Really, I do. I didn't understand how "country" he was until we had been dating awhile, but I figured this was something I could overlook. His parents live way out in the country, or as his brother Karl would say, "between butt fuck nowhere and na-ner-ner-ner" (insert annoying country song here). Which is actually accurate. His dad works for the DNR (and if you have no idea what that is, it's the Department of Natural Resources so this is obviously working with and for wildlife). They own guns. They eat "wild" meat and have a garden, and think nothing of shooting animals on property, etc.

Matt and I. First picture together- January 2002. Aw...So yesterday I was catching up on my blogs and I found a new one that I am loving, My Masonic Apron. Well anyways he posted about roadkill which triggered a memory I had of a conversation Matt and I had years ago. About roadkill.

You see back in the day, Matt had a little red pickup truck. And one day, he hit a deer on his way home. He didn't run it over, it apparently hit him, and like hobbled off to the side and collapsed. So if this were me, not only would I slam on my breaks to avoid hitting Bambi, but if I did hit Bambi I would literally stop the car and proceed with the crying and screaming. I would never get out of the car. What if it attacked me like it's going all Animals Gone Wild or some shit?? Yeah, no.

So Matt, being country, gets out of the truck. Grabs a tire iron and proceeds to beat the animal in the head until it dies. I know. And to think I had KIDS with Bambi's murderer. But instead of just leaving the damn thing to die with little to no dignity, he wiggles the legs a bit to see if it's still good or something, and then puts it in his truck because as he said, "It was still warm". FUCK. NO. YOU. DIDN'T. Oh, but he did.

He then proceeds to drive it home (his parents house at the time) hang the disgusting carcass from a tree so that it could do whatever it is dead animals do while hanging upside down from a tree. His dad, not concerned that Matt brought home a dead animal, is more concerned that he didn't get called first.

So then they eat it. I fucking kid you not, dead Bambi was eaten for dinner. I thought Matt lied, but no, it was confirmed by his brother Karl. And not only that but Karl tells me this is like normal. NORMAL!! I know. I'm gagging too. And Karl tells me they've done this before. It's like suddenly, I'm surrounded by cannibals. I mean, that's kind of what it feels like. Just the thought that maybe I'm getting tricked into eating something weird at their house is why I never eat. I'm such a picky eater but if I ate something to find out later, or even think, I ate something weird. Instant bulimia then anorexia. I am not kidding.

So, what are you having for dinner?

18 comments:

Danielle said...

Oh my goodness! This reminded me of two things when I went through my child hood!

1. My neighbor was making this stir fry thing and all of us kids were eating there, well after we finished it and asked what it was he said it was SQUIRREL and vegetables! I almost threw up right at their table! DISGUSTING!

2. My mom said when she was growing up that her best friends family had a rabbit and they fed it and played with it for months and months. One day she went over there and they were cooking it for dinner ... she cried and cried and cried. IT was the most heart breaking story!

Sorry if that made you upset! Its just what the blog reminded me of!

I really enjoy your blog, so thanks for sharing! :)

Mr. Apron said...

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

I am very, very honored.

And very, very ill.

Melissa Rugg said...

My parents gotcha beat. This winter they didn't get enough deer or something. Someone driving past their house hit a deer and it fell into the ditch. They noticed it a little while later, noticed it was still warm and they took it and hung it up to eat. AND they ate it!

E said...

While I am not country, I have actually heard of this before. In fact the local Mission for the Homeless will come pick up roadkill aka deer if you hit it and call them right afterward. I have seen it happen. Everyone gets venison stew that night! ;)

It is not what 'I' want for dinner, but whatever works I guess. I prefer mine from the grocery store.

CthuLynny said...

ROFL. I would probably terrify you. Im a scavenger..."oh hey is that a fresh roadkill?? I need a skull for a hat Im working on....naw I have an ant hill at home to strip the meat"

Yet said...

I let my boyfriend read this and he laughed through the whole post! he turned to me and said, "well, I guess that makes me country too because that sounds perfectly normal to me" haha. Yeah, that's why I told him to read it. Just the other day, his dad brought us over some dear sausage before everyone else go to and it ran out. Your description for your "justification" of why your husband is country (They own guns. They eat "wild" meat and have a garden, and think nothing of shooting animals on property, etc) is funny b/c I was thinking, "welcome to Georgia"! haha.

Anyway, this was a fun lost! I found you on 20sb. It was totally worth it! YAY!

Nyx said...

Oh...My...God.

Bambi...it's what's for dinner.

Deeps!! said...

ok, first n foremost.. I missed reading you sooo much!! Second.. Thats such a cute.. ( aawwwwwwww ) picture of you and Matt!!

And after reading this.. i don't think i'm gonna eat meat for atleast 2 days.. yikes!! but hilarious read!! :D

Al said...

wow. umm gross? and that just turned me off my dinner!

Jenn said...

It's stories like this that remind me why I'm vegetarian! I wouldn't eat a banana I found on the side of the road, I most certainly would not eat a deer.

Chicken said...

I remember as a small child I was crying cornered on my porch by a snapping turtle. My 70 something neighbor saved me by stabbing it in the head right in front of my innocent animal loving eyeballs. I was in horror! Then he called later that night to see if I wanted to taste revenge in the form of turtle soup...needless to say we respectfully declined.

Chicken said...

When I was a very young girl I was cornered on my front porch by a giant snapping turtle. Although cute, I’m sure he was out for my blood. My 70 year old country as they come neighbor took out his pocket knife and stabbed the poor thing in the head right in front of my innocent child eyes. I remember everything about this story except the actual moment that it happened. I guess I found my happy place and went there for 5 seconds. My mother screamed, I cried, and my neighbor laughed….terrible memory. But to make it worse he called the house later that night and asked if I wanted to taste revenge in the form of turtle soup….needless to say I respectfully declined the invitation. GROSS

Unbreakable said...

I live in new York and i have seen a deer for the first time in my life last week, when i was driving to Canada. I said to my girl there goes a kangaroo she cracked up i was like o shit that one does not have a horns. lmao lmao i felt so stupid, she even told her co-workers. but i am saying this to say i am not sure howi would react to eating that meal

Another David said...

My childhood piano teacher also lived out around bumblefuck nowhere. One night on her way home, she hits a 6-point buck. It died instantly, car was undrivable. She calls her husband who comes, tosses the deer in the back of his pickup, and drives off without her. Five minutes later he came back and saying "I thought you were already in truck."

Yeah, they ate that one, too.

Mr O said...

I'm gonna have to admit something:

My boss at my high school job (Dairy Queen) was a hunter and one day he brought some deer meat and made us try it. I would be lying if I said it was nasty. I would also be lying if I said I didn't ask him for more.

I'm sorry.

But I do like the picture!

dean said...

Although I have yet to eat road kill it is a normal behaviour in Sioux Lookout. Moose and Deer are hit often and if the meat is still good, it can be consumed. That is a good story Sara, you should ask Grampa DeRusha about the different critters he has tried.

Christina In Wonderland said...

That annoying country song you're talking about? Just call them the dueling banjos. That way you don't ever have to try to do the sounds of it again. :P Lol.

Being country. It's not so bad. I mean, we've got NASCAR, which...

Okay, maybe it really is BAD! The poll's still open on that one.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

My friend brought bear meat disguised as BBQ beef to a potluck at work and then smiled when she told everyone it was bear. SO.WRONG.