Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Answers to Your Questions. You Dirty Perverts.

Disclaimer: Do NOT keep reading this if you think you might be offended and/or grossed out. I got some REALLY strange questions so if you think you might not want to know the answer then do not continue to read this. Because you'll likely get upset and I don't want to hear about it if you were already warned. :)

Well way back when, and to be honest I can't remember exactly when this was, I asked you lovely lambwhore readers to ask me some questions and I'd answer them as honestly as I could. As long as my answers don't make me eligible for a free stay at the county jail. All but one of you chose to email me which to be honest is a bit weird. And because some of your questions are er...bizarre...I'm not posting your names. Because I do have a moral compass and um..yeah.

So without further ado:

1. Chocolate or vanilla? Are you serious? I can't pick just one. But a trick I learned during my days at Culvers is that you put the chocolate on the bottom, vanilla on the top. That way when it melts it doesn't ruin the vanilla. But ideally- I like twist cones from McDonald's. And I think it's bullshit that people are doing away with twist, and that DQ is ditching chocolate. Bastards.

2. Would you ever pick up a hitchhiker? If he looks anything like Robert Pattinson, yes. And then I'd want to hear Heart's "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You" because really? It wouldn't be complete without it. Be real here.

3. Do you swear a lot in real life? And what do you say when people criticize that? Um, you bet your fucking ass I do. And if people have a problem with it- well just fuck them fucking bitches. Ho.

4. Where is the weirdest place you've had sex? Jesus- just jump right in with the freak questions you pervert. Well I have had sex in a lot of weird places. One was on top of a car which was really uncomfortable and not something I'd recommend. Another was in a park (at night) where there is now a skate park.

5. Have you ever cheated on anyone or been cheated on? I have been cheated on, twice. I haven't ever cheated on anyone but I would by lying if I said I didn't think about it.

6. You don't mention your husband much. What's up with that? Good question. Um, well I should put in here he is still alive despite the fact he snores so loud you can hear it outside sometimes (and I'm not exaggerating that) and it keeps me awake for many nights. This week for example. But it's not an ideal situation right now and I'm trying to make the best out of a not so great thing. It's a struggle but you know- I'm hanging in there.

7. What is the craziest thing you have done with friends? Oh jesus. I will not name names here because I'm a stand up chick like that. But this one time..at a party.. (I had to start like that- I just had to). Anyways. I was at a party with two of my girlfriends, I was 19 or so. They met these two guys that I thought we sketchy who kept saying they needed a ride over to Duluth, which is just over the bridge. Friend #1 offered to drive them because she thought they were hot and because I didn't want her to be alone with two freaks I grabbed another friend of ours to come with us. (So 5 people in a small Toyota Corolla. Crammed) Well my friend drives terribly so she gets pulled over just over the bridge for speeding. But I'm laughing hysterically (as I do in stressful situations- trust me you don't want to be with me if you are seriously hurt or something. I will be of no use because I will be practically pissing my pants) and these guys are like trying to cover their faces. I'm thinking, WTF? So the cop sees this, asks us all to get out. Super. He's running our licenses, etc. Turns out the guys? Warrants on them for felonies. Fan-fucking-tastic. So this cop is being asshole to the extreme telling us girls that we could be parties to evasion or something but more importantly- transporting felons over a state line. Uh-oh. So we got to sit in a squad car for 30 minutes. All the while I am PISSED at my friend who just was thinking about her vagina and not her brain. Thankfully- we got to go. The guys got to get a tour of the St. Louis County jail. Which I'm sure was lovely.

8. Do you sleep with underwear on? Are you the guy who asked me where I sleep? You are really into this, aren't you? Well you get on with yourself. Um, no. Most of the time no. I have jammies which usually consist of pants and t-shirt. Or a tank top if it's summer. No socks, no undies. It's just kind of annoying to wake up with a wedgie. I actually would, back in the day, wear a pair of Matt's boxers to bed with his shirt. But he's super skinny and I'm not and so it doesn't work out.

9. Thong or bikini? Wow. Alrighty. Depends on what I'm wearing. If it's a dress, obviously a thong. Anything else it's a bikini. Oh- but I like boy shorts too. Sometimes.

10. Favorite sexual position: Jesus- you are nasty. Well I guess I don't really have a favorite. I mean I like to experiment and don't like doing the same thing every single time. BORING. So it changes on my mood I suppose.

11. Are you like this in real life? Like really random and seem like a fast talker? Yes, I am a fast talker. I am organized but scattered. What you see/read on my blog is how I really am in my real life. I don't feel the need to come up with an online persona because that sucks. I feel like I'd let people down if they met me in real life. But a lot of weird, random things pop into my head. I will often change subjects, dwell on dumb things, but I like to think I'm fun.

12. Do you think letting your kids listen to rap is ok? Well it helps with their rhyming. My kids will be taking names in kindergarten. Plus it's kind of fun to hear a 4 year old say "I pop a cap, mom". Realistically? I don't think it's harmful. I teach my kids to be good people, use manners, all of that. I'm not going to be the uptight mama. I'll be the cool and young mom. The mom hauling everyone to the Tool concert because I want to go too.

13. Do you have any fetishes? If I do, I guess I don't know. But I do have a thing about a guy's arms. They don't even need to be muscled up or anything. (In fact too muscled up grosses me out a bit). But I like to hold a guy's arm rather than hand. It's just a nice handle. To be used in a variety of situations. ;)

14. If you could have a one night stand who would it be with? Wow--that's easy. If I didn't have to worry about the possibility of it really happening- Robert Pattinson. I have loved him since before Twilight, but Twilight kicked my girly bits into overdrive. Have you seen How To Be? *swoon*. Trailer for Remember Me--specifically the shower scene?? *swoon* Um yeah. But if I had to pick someone in real life? Nice try- but I'm so not naming names. But I bet Chicken would know. :) (And don't you post any comment giving clues, chicky!!)

15. Most romantic thing ever done for you--since you hate Valentines? To be honest- I haven't had a lot of romantic things happen. I mean I think Matt thinks he's done some but they just weren't for me. I say I hate surprises, but if a guy was doing something awesome as a surprise for me, I would love it. I like random, quick, unexpected notes to know I was thought about during the day. But I always thought it'd be fun to meet a person at a music store. I think I had this convo with Mr. O before with a previous post of his. But I can honestly say that I'm a girly girl so any guy who's willing to say or do something nice for me because it reminded them of me---swoon worthy. ;)

16. Are you a drinker? Smoker? On drugs? Nope- I'm like permanent DD for friends. I don't drink but it doesn't mean I never have. I had my fun, didn't like it, don't wish to repeat it. No, I don't smoke and I really dislike it when others are smoking. I have puny lungs or something. Matt smokes and it is like the most disgusting thing. Drugs? No, I haven't ever done drugs but I did get what I believe to be a contact high at a Tool concert. Which fucked me up for the second half of the concert. In a good way. :) But nope- I'm clean as a whistle. Toot toot.

17. Do you really want to write a book, and are you going to do it? Yes, I want to write a book. And yes I will do it. I've already started it. Think a cross between Jen Lancaster and David Sedaris. ;) And I hope to go on a book tour to let my lamb whore colony grow.

18. Would you let someone pee on you? Is this a joke? Because at first I'm thinking this is about some weird sexual fetish that people are into but then I'm thinking wait---do YOU want to pee on me? Because I would not be ok with that. You fucking freak.

19. Have you been approached by weird guys asking weird things for real? Sadly, yes. I mean it's almost become comical because I can always be counted on to have the bizarre guy hit on me. Which I suppose is flattering to get any guy to hit on you if you've hit a not so cute patch. But yes, I've been offered stripper jobs, a role in a home made porn movie, I've been asked if a guy could just touch my boob, I've had someone ask if they could rub my ass, etc.

20. Worst pickup line you've gotten. Since it's been a long time since I've had a pick up line tried on me, the only memorable one was when I was 20 and at a party for my friend all getting married. To set it up we were all wearing the appropriate penis jewelry, the shirts saying "we're ready to fuck because the bride can't" and whatnot. But a guy came up to me and was like, "You look like your holes are too tight. Mind if I loosen them?" Really? Has that ever worked?? No, spank you.

Alright so that was the top 20. There were others that were kind of similar so I just combined some. Is there something you want to know that isn't answered here? Let me know. You can leave a comment or email me at: slinkies_r_us@hotmail.com. I won't post your name unless you are brave enough to let me. ;)

12 comments:

Rebel Mel said...

Ha! These questions are great. I did a similar thing on my blog a few months ago. Come to think of it, you may have asked me questions! Ha.. I can hardly remember yesterday, so don't take it personal =)

Also, I commented on your comment on my post. Haha. That sounds great. I felt like it would be much more appropriate posting a response there so others could read it, as well as not cluttering up your comments with something totally unrelated to the post.

=P

Ms B said...

Yes, I can definately see how some of those questions made you almost spit your morning coffee out and fall off the chair. But it sure did make for interesting reading!

xoxoKrysten said...

That was AWESOME! I loved reading those questions AND the answers. Highly entertaining lady.

Oh and I think you could get me into real trouble =-)

Smart Ass Sara said...

@Mel- I try to ask questions to make people squirm. So if you had those- it was probably me. ;)

@MsB- thankfully I do my blogging at night but I read posts as they come up (usually). And luckily I can hold stuff in my mouth well so I don't spit up often. Take that how you will. LOL.

@Krysten-it's not trouble if it's fun. That's my motto. :)

Sam said...

That was a hilarious post, my favorite was the story of the felons in the car. I tend to laugh when im nervous also, then puke later. :(

Anonymous said...

OK lady, I have some questions, and I await your answers:

1. How much do those suckers weigh? Yeah, you know what I mean.

2. I just made a ham sandwich. If I asked you to pee on it, would you? I make pretend that it's a picnic and I'm drinking lemonade!

3. How impressive is your gag reflex? Could it take a Country Farms summer sausage?

4. Have you ever put a pair of your underwear on a cactus? Do that and take a picture and staple it to my left foot while I sit on a carrot.

5. If somebody gave you 20 dollars, would you let a midget touch your love button?

Chicken said...

I'm shocked that you'd think I would actually call your ass out like that...shame on you ;)With that said, we ALL know your crush is on ME. I've decided that in some strange way we've been seperated at birth. I am a fellow random talker and the subjects usually make a lot of sense in my head, but not so much to others...hmm strange.

Smart Ass Sara said...

@Sam- thankfully I don't puke. But when we hang out, if you puke then I puke. It can be an awesome puke party.

@Anonymous- dude, you get your own post tonight. ;)

@Chicken- SSHHH!!! What if your hubs reads this?! But we were separated at birth, I know it. With that being said, sexy times would be weird. HAHA! AGain, it can be an episode of Big Love.

Eve.E.B. said...

hey, your like really truthful on this. Its cool and funny!
keep on blogging!

I have only just joined the blog world so my sites pretty lame but you can check it out if you wanna:

http://ponderingdaily.blogspot.com

Nikolett said...

Oh wows, these are some ... out there questions, that's for sure. I too, would pick up Rob Pattz if he turned into a hitchhiker and then take him home to my momma haha. And I'd suggest getting ear plugs if they don't bother you too much, in order to drown out the snores :) I hope you have a great weekend!

Smart Ass Sara said...

@Eve E.B- honey I checked out your blog but can't make any comments--if you can fix that let me know. :)

@Nikolett- you would have to wrestle me for Rob and I fight dirty.

Cristina said...

I think "lamb whore" is going to be my new favorite thing to say. Simply awesome.