Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Boots Are In. Hotness Undetermined.

The boots I've been waiting for came today. In a box large enough to accomodate two kids and two cats. Really, Zappos? Thanks for going green.

Anyways. I don't know what to think of them. First off, they have more of a pointy toe than I like. I prefer shoes with a rounded toe because I'm a bit OCD when it comes to that and it's a big deal. It's like a pointy toe gets me distracted and my chances of falling are exponentially greater. It's just a proven fact. Anyways- I was super worried because I tried putting them on with my work pants which hi--no zippy uppy. So I took my pants off and put the boots on. In wearing only my shirt, bra, and underwear, they fit fine. I've also determined that I have a defect in the boots or one of my legs is slightly larger. They look ridiculous if I wear pants over them. So it's dresses/skirts or what I call "slut pants".
Slut pants are what I call the skinny jean with the taper leg. Because I've never seen them being worn on a girl with say, some class. And a clean bill of health from her OB. But in my weak moment at home staring at myself in my underwear and boots I realized that I will have to give in and purchase slut pants. Which I knew would be like taking on Goliath himself because I think we've establised that I'm not skinny. I also rival Kim Kardashian in the curves department. Skinny jeans vs. Sara. At the mall. Alone.
Lamb whores, I will tell you that I have a victorious moment in the dressing room of Maurices when I realized that the only pair of size 14 jeans in the fat girl section were... wait for it...
TOO BIG. By a lot! I was having a happy moment until I realized that the next step down is a 12. But they don't have 12. Oh no. They have things like 31x30. Um... Yeah. I don't know my numbers. Should I know my numbers? So I bolted out of there. It's not like I'm going to get publicly measured in front of a group of 19 year old girls all wearing the slut pants. Bitch, please. I haven't lost my entire mind.
So I go over to JCPenney who has once again lured me in with their big red and yellow sale signs. I also bought the only pair of pants not on sale. But to make up for it, I did only pay .97 for the shirt that is *maybe* a Muse concert outfit contender.
But this is where you come in. I need opinions. Please ignore the fact my hair is looking shittastic and I look tired. Matt once again snored the entire night so I'm running on exactly 5 hours of sleep over the last two days. If he snores tonight I'm bunking with Olivia. Who snores and rolls everywhere. Things aren't looking good.
SO. Are we liking the boots? I will say they hurt my feet like a son of a bitch. Um, I was pretty sure Naturalizers were supposed to be comfortable? Well these aren't. The heel is like walking on a square rock so I'll have to get inserts or something. I've also discovered my foot and ankle are not meant for fat girl boots. Those are anorexic girl boot worthy. SO..they feel weird. And no, the buckle doesn't do anything. Pure decoration.


So here is my not quite a dollar shirt. It's black (obviously) has a weird sequiny shoulder, a weird tie thing in the back on my neck and the sleeves are all cut up. So the bonus is that I have to do no work on tearing it up. That makes the sleeves all flowy. Are we liking this? Or should I keep shopping? (Let's be real- I probably will keep shopping but I still need an opinion on this. Keep or not?)So here are my pants. My only big mirror is in Olivia's room so pardon the mess. (And look!!! I can wear my RockBand shirt again!)

It's really hard to take a picture of your ass. FYI. But here is the back. Now I have HUGE issues with pants because I, unlike most of America apparently, have an ass. I actually like my ass. It's still cute & perky but it makes it a nightmare when purchasing pants. I try to not have a lot going on as far as pockets (do not take this to mean I wear pants with no pockets because that is for old ladies only. I'm talking about pockets with flaps. Those are bad) (because What Not To Wear tells me so). BUT..these pants have a little sparkle. Is sparkle on my ass bad? I mean, they look super good, right? Like my ass doesn't look ginormous, right??
Let me know what you think. If you find fabulous tops on the interwebs and think, "Sara with her 36D boobs can rock this out" let me know. You have until the end of this month.
On a more fun note- I made friends with a guy working at Hot Topic. And I always shudder because I walk in with my work clothes usually and I'm sure they roll their eyes and are all like, "Jesus christ- another wannabe". But I'll have you know I have to be for work, hello. In my other life I'm rocking with the band shirts. Shirts with inappropriate sayings. I was a punky chick in the day. Just because I'm older and a mommy doesn't make me less cool. RIGHT??? But when I told him what concert I was seeing and we talked about different bands he as all thinking I was cool. The most important thing of this little diatribe is that I got the employee discount on the Anberlin Blueprints for City Friendships anthology I have coveted. So instead of paying $16.99 I walked out of there with this baby for a mere $7.99.
Now would an appropriate time to bow down. It's ok- I'll wait.
So I *finally* have all of the songs of Anberlin's cd's I love. I only have bits and pieces of these three discs so I feel I have conquered stuff today.
And I'm wearing slut pants with fat girl boots.

19 comments:

jprp said...

i'm thinking them there are some hot boots babe! I'm loving the height, the little heel, and i like the toe, you need to love them too, especially with your slut pants! and i LOVE the muse top! love it, i'll never speak to you again if you don't wear it (slight exageration maybe - but do you really want to risk it?!!) I'm loving the sequin shoulders thing - but then again i'm a sucker for purdy shinny things!

Lin said...

I like the boots & pants. You look totally cute!

The Ashes said...

Im glad you're confident enough with your body to post a photo of your butt! I dont think I could do it.
I had measurements done for a bridesmaids dress yesterday.... ohh boy that was fun. (I too have an ample tush)

Becky said...

If you don't love the boots and they hurt your feet I would say send them back!

Danielle said...

Ughhh I totally agree with you on the "Unlike the rest of America - I have an ass deal" and since I'm not tall ... and if I remember correctly neither are you it makes for all sorts of weird, annoying, unsexy looks when shopping for pants cuz what fits in the ass doesn't fit in the length! I will say I got some "slut pants" last week I forget the brand but they didn't look too bad! I like the boots you got however I do see what you mean about the ankle area ... but i think they look cute! I like the shirt - a lot! I think thats definitely a keeper even if you find something else to wear I still think its wicked cute!!!! I think as far as the boots its preference ... how much did you pay for them vs how comfortable they are vs how often do you plan on wearing them ... blah blah blah! Good luck girl! :)

Nyx said...

I like the boots. I can see them looking adorable under a knee-length skirt.

Although...my pants have flaps on their pockets, so I may not be the best authority on style :P

Pointy toes always reminded me of the wicked witch of the west for some reason....

Good job on the discount!

Mom Taxi Julie said...

I don't know much about fashion but I'd love to have a little junk in the trunk! I only go into hot topic to pay for my teenager. Hopefully she never works there since face piercings seem to be a requirement.

Organic Meatbag said...

wow, those boots will come in handy should you decide to troll the Wisconsin swamps for snakes this summer...wow, that was a lot of 's' words at the end of that ssssssssentence...and if you need to find a concert shirt that looks good on the ol' figure, then perhaps you should browse through EBay... I'm sure you can find a nifty 1975 Captain & Tennille tour shirt or something...

xoxoKrysten said...

I like the boots lady. Maybe if you wear them around the house a little you'll break them in and they won't hurt? Although I said that about my wedding heels. I wore those suckers around the house EVERY DAY and looked like a loser doing it. And they still hurt. So. Yeah.

Chicken said...

Saucy! At the risk of sounding like I have a girl crush on you (even though I totally do) I am way jealous of "perky butt". I was behing a middle aged woman yesterday in spandex pants who was sporting major granny pantie lines and sad to say the underwear was the only thing keeping her ass above her knees...that'll be me. This much junk in my trunk will eventually have gravity ass.

Smart Ass Sara said...

@Jandy, Danielle, Lin- the boots are cute...we'll see if I can rock them for an entire day without dying. Or falling.

@Ashes- I actually like my ass. I'm ok with it. As long as it doesn't go into secretary's ass or jiggle.

@Becky- I'm going to keep them. I think. ;)

@Nyx- yes! It does look like the wicked witch!!

@Julie- piercings are fine. :) I wanted my eyebrow pierced for years. But I cried HARD getting my ears pierced. I'm a baby.

@Meatbag- Captain & Tennille?! No. I'll wear a Foghat one then. ;)

@Krysten- I am going to try to break them in at the mall. thankfully I'm going with my brother and he's strong so he can carry me.

@Chicken- gurl- you're hot too. You can grab my ass anytime. I'd even let you hold my boob. ;)

Melissa Leah said...

I think you have successfully found your concert attire...mine is normally jeans, a random band tee that probably isnt the band that I am actually going to see, and chuck taylors.

Yep I am the epitome of a nerd lol.

i wish i had your ability to coordinate concert attire. I get lucky on the outfits I have to wear to work.

BRAVO!

Susan said...

I always have to go up in pant sizes because of "the butt". It's a seperate entity from the rest of my body :) The boots are cute, but like you said, naturalizers SHOULD be comfy. Don't get blisters!

Sam said...

I think the boots and pants look great!! I have an old HoneyHoney shirt I can mail you, you will be pulled on stage in that shirt. :)

CthuLynny said...

Holy Backside Batman! (in the good way though!)

I wear "slut girl" pants, but not cause Im a disease riddled whore, mostly because Im super short, and even boot ut pants shrink me visually. Plus slut girl pants make my backside look all neat, though not as neat as yours.

Cristina said...

I'm totally with you on the pants issue. I also have a curvy ass and it's near impossible to find a pair of pants that fit well EVERYWHERE. I think you've succeeded with your "slut pants"--you look hot! Definite contender for the Muse concert (and, hi? Muse--awesome! Saw them in December and they were SO good).

Steph said...

It is indeed hard to take pics of your ass, and it seems the request is in demand these days...err anyway rad boots!

ps
I missed you. The blogging break came into effect & I haven't forgotten my meme either!

Jill said...

LOL i have issues with skinny jeans as well because I'm so tall.
I don't know how to wear boots either...they only really look good over the top of pants (like u have them) or with dresses or skirts I think. I tried it with flare pants and it just looked bulky at the bottom.

Sebastian said...

Yo ass is bitchin', girl!

(Did you frame my photo yet?!)