Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Bra Report and I'm Still Beautiful, Bitches.

So do you remember when I almost flashed my boobies but instead just complained a whole lot about my boobies and bras?


Of course you do.


Well shortly after I did that post I went onto Lane Bryant because one of you big boob lamb whores told me that their bras actually hold boobs in. I thought the heavens were teasing me.


But they weren't. I found TWO bras that fit. And hold the girls. And don't cut of circulation to my arms. And don't poke me in my armpits. That look awesome with anything. And look great when I just want to admire them in the mirror. (And shut yo mouth if you are about to say you don't do that, too).


Here's what I found. And no, none of these chicks is me. Perverts.



Good Bra #1: I have it in this color, white, AND cream. This is probably my favorite because it doesn't feel like you are wearing a bra. The straps are comfy, the cups are comfy, you get a bit of cleavage but you aren't hoisting it up all day.
Good Bra #2: I only have this one in white and red. This one holds the girls IN. They are going NOWHERE. It's full lace but not itchy. It has comfy straps. The only thing that is kind of annoying which is why it's only #2 is that the cups kinda make your boobs cone shaped. Not enough to say- "Shit, is that Madonna?" and most people would never notice it I'm sure. So far, nobody has said anything to me, not even my mom who is never one to shy away from telling me I look like crap in something. Which is good- I'd rather her tell me the truth than lie.
THE BAD: I thought YES! A super cute/sexy bra, a little cleavage, and it's satin! Yeah, it sucks. It sucks mother fucking hardcore. What I failed to notice is you see the straps? You see how thin and kind of off to the side they are? BAD. BAD. BAD. Your boobs are falling out of this thing like babies out of OctoMom's vag. They are everywhere. I was walking down a hallway and BAM! Boob fully out of cup. Not good. Your boobs will either go up or out through the middle. There is no way to keep your boobies in line with this thing. AND the strap that goes around your back? Is kind of thin, it's thinner than the other two so hi- back fat. Welcome to the party. Even if you don't have back fat- this bra creates it for you. What a bitch.
So with that I announce that Chicken from Tales From The Chicken Coop has awarded me with an award!


So yeah- rules. 7 things you don't know about me, I pass it on to 7 people. Which is going to be fucking hard since we are probably all familiar that the interweb perverts have found me. Seriously? What more can I tell you? *sigh*. So I guess it's time to let a small sliver of my freak flag fly, eh??

1. When I eat candy (M&M's, skittles, etc) that has any kind of color associated with it I have to eat them by color. So like the blue ones, then green, then orange, etc. And I have to line them up by color. I have always considered this OCD until I saw a Law & Order Criminal Intent episode where the killer did that- line things up (in her case it was peas) and they said it's a sign of like some kind of mental illness. FAN-fucking-TASTIC. I'm sure it's just for the show, right?

2. I can't just use a cup straight out of the cupboard. I have to get it myself, and blow into it. I have no idea why. I just do. And it annoys Matt to no end because he thinks I'm weird. I know that, but still. But it's fine if I'm at a restaurant. It's only glasses out of my house. I'm sometimes ok at other people's houses. Not always.

3. I have an obsession with underwear. Since I was a little girl, I have had an undying love for underwear. Any kind. I prefer bikini but will really wear anything. Walking into Victoria Secret immediately makes me happy. I cannot walk out of there without buying underwear. I can now walk past the store without buying something, but once I walk in I have no control over myself.

4. I am obsessive with shaving my legs. I shave them everyday whether they need it or not. I remember being little and being fascinated with my mom's legs and how smooth they were. I tried shaving my legs at age 9 where I cut myself badly. I thought I got an artery because I had two totally soaked towels. And in the summer when I wear shorts for pajamas I will fall asleep by rubbing my legs together because they are ubber soft.

5. I have a really thin, long, hardly noticable scar (now) on the inside of my right leg. That is from when I was really young, maybe 6 or 7 and I stepped on a window screen that was on the ground and the corner came apart and cut my leg. I wasn't supposed to be playing over there so my mom was really mad. I remember Travis and I putting a ton of bandaids on my leg thinking mom wouldn't notice that. ;)

6. In the summer I have a little white line that goes across my nose because when I laugh and/or smile I squinch up my nose. It's probably one of my favorite features. BUT the least favorite feature is the bump on my bottom lip. I got THAT when I was young, maybe 5 or 6 when I locked my mom out of the house (who was taking the garbage out), and I ran from the door, tripped on something, and banged my lip on a metal bed frame. I *probably* should have had stiches but mom couldn't afford it so now I have the bump. It's not huge, it's actually quite small and you'd likely never notice unless you kissed me.

7. I always thought that I'd meet my husband like Sleepless in Seattle. Or once I read in a book where this couple where email friends (they were co-workers so emailed a lot about work too) for years. And one day they met for work and BAM! Relationship just happened. And I always kind of wished I would have a guy make some grand romantic gesture. Like proposing during dancing, dedicating a song, etc. Anything with music hooks me. I am a sucker for music and tying music into life. Every important (and every significant memory) event of my life is tied to a song.

OK- so the 7 lucky lamb whores:

1.Better Than Coffee

2. Egosyntonicity

3. Karlosophies

4. Katie [blogs]

5. A Rush of Blog To The Head

6. My Love Bugs

7. Things, Just Things

There you go lambies! I have reasons for nominating all of these fabulous people but I'm keeping it to myself this time. ;)

19 comments:

Mr O said...

so I just browsed real fast -- forgive me -- but didn't you already win this award?

Does that make you beautiful X2?

____j said...

Okay, I want to start out by saying that...I looked at your little profile picture, and I'm totally thinking you are sweet and innocent, despite your Blogger Tag Name, or whatever it's called. And then I read your post. HA! I love it. So sassy.

Secondly, I have bra issues, too. So, I totally feel your pain. And, I commend you for shaving your legs every day. I wish I had that kind of motivation. I absolutely HATE shaving.

Smart Ass Sara said...

@MrO- yes it does, baby. Don't rain on my parade. :) HAHA!!

@___j- girl, stick around long enough and you'll be praying for my salvation. Or whatever people do when they pray. And shaving my legs is essential. I did it while in labor just in case the doctor had to touch my leg. The nurse even commented on how soft they were. ;)

xoxoKrysten said...

Have you ever looked for bras on the website Bare Necessities? I LOVE that site. You can specify your bra size and the type of bra you want and it narrows things down for you. I've bought my last 5 bras from that site and never been steered wrong.

I bought one bra from Lane Bryant and don't wear it often because it's a little too padded (I do not understand padded bras for bigger boobs) and I didn't fit my normal size, which I generally fit EVERYWHERE except for Vickie's because Vickie's is the root of all evil.

Okay it's not, I like their undies but I swear they mis-size their bras.

Steph said...

I also have a scar thanks to know money to go to the hospital, but I love the scar, so it works.

Bras fucking blow. I have given up all hope on finding a decent bra to hold my miniature boobies in place.

Chicken said...

Ok peas and M&M's are two completely different things...I think we would all agree. #3 speak to me! I love fancy panties, I'm a thong girl myself. I have a big ass aka more crack to fill with a creepy crawly pair. I figure 1 inch is better than 5 up in my junk.

Ms B said...

I have tons of weird little quirks, it gets weird when ur dating and the person witnesses a quirk for the first time. I have a very similiar one...i smell the glass. I get it out of the cupboard and give it a sniff, it developed because we had a faulty dishwasher that used to make them smell and now i just do it weithout thinking!

Deeps!! said...

Loved ur post!! as usual.. ;-)!!

And the m&m thing.. I do it too!! and also agree on how bad the bad bra is..!!

Organic Meatbag said...

Are you trying to distract me with a post like this? You're trying to distract me, aren't you...oddly enough, it seems to me that the "bad" bra in reality would be the good one...hahaha

saana123 said...

I was just browsing through blogs and I stopped at yours because of your "bra-report" xD Very nice, I gotta say and I felt a connection when I read about your "color-obsession" with candy.

I just write to keep myself from going insane with my thoughts and my English is sometimes REALLY bad (i'm Finnish but I have a lot of foreign friends so I write in English) but well, if you feel like visiting my new and unknown blog, the address is: http://randomnessmakeslifeworthliving.blogspot.com/

Nice job, you really made me smile although I'm pissed :)

Lin said...

Glad you found yourself some awesome bolder holders. They're really cute!

Also, I almost peed my pants when I read "Your boobs are falling out of this thing like babies out of OctoMom's vag." You're hilarious!

Sara said...

I got distracted by your nominees. Back now to comment. :) Glad you found some boulder holders. Jon just spelled that bolder last night. My sister texted him back to correct his spelling. Don't ask why my husband was talking to my sister about boobs. I'm still sketchy on the details.

I'm still searching for the perfect bra. Still wearing my $50 sports bra I bought for post-surgery support.

Smart Ass Sara said...

@Krysten- Thanks- I'll have to check that out. :)

@Steph- don't tease me with your little boobies. I'll donate some if you'd like.

@Chicken- add "underwear shopping" to our "when we meet" list, mmkay?

@MsB- cup freaks unite!

@Deeps & Saana- crazies unite!

@Lin- her vag and ass are probably like a combined hole by now. I'm sure.

@Sara- um, that's weird. Get the details! :)

@Meatbag- if you'd like to have my bad bra you are welcome to it.

egosyntonic said...

ah! you're my favorite person in the world. and is it sad or awesome (i'm leaning towards awesome!!!) that i know the episode of criminal intent you're talking about? it's the two sisters who are obsessed with the soap opera and work as nannies for families who live in the same apartment building. the one girl lines up her peas because she used to live in an orphanage and it gave her a sense of control over her life. so yeah. i watch too much law and order.

thanks for the award! like i said... you're the best!

egosyntonic said...

ps - are you sure those bra-clad ladies aren't you in disguise? like you in the winter... you in the summer?! ha! that made me laugh out loud!

Christina Thomas said...

Thanks for the blog award!! I will have to get on this tomorrow. Gosh...I don't think I can come up with 7 random facts about me.

I will really have to think.

Haley Dawn said...

so...#2- i do it all then time!! No Idea why but yes, it have to make sure there is no dust in the cup!

Mom Taxi Julie said...

That Octo mom line needs to be framed or on a t shirt or somethig lmao!!

Lane bryant bras scare me. Some of them are bigger than my head!

Mom Taxi Julie said...

Lane Bryant Beas scare me. Some of them are bigger than my head!