Thursday, February 11, 2010

Don't Mess With Me or I will Karate Chop Your Ass

Because E from The Perkster- Ramblings of a Hungry Fat Girl has awarded me. Which is awesome because not only do I rock in more ways then most of you will ever know but I too, am a hungry fat girl. Holla. And Jesus P. Christ there are rules. UGH. But because I'm a hungry fat girl who just did another 1.567 miles on her fuckmill while smelling like my friend Kelli's new baby which has since fired up my uterus into believing it wants to procreate. Which is really ironic since just yesterday I shared my desire to have Matt's balls cut off and it's really driving me nuts with all my indecision. Kelli tries to talk me into more babies because yeah I'm a really cute pregnant chick who's uterus and hips were made for babies because I have really easy pregnancies and my labor/deliveries are so easy that women get pissed off at me and yah.

So my uterus is confused. While my ovaries are cramping so bad this week that I feel like I'm being stabbed. So I figured if I ever AM abducted and being brutally murdered I guess I could be stabbed in the abdomen because that shit don't phase me.

ANYWAYS. Let's get back to my award! Yay!

The Rules:
1. List 6 things you are a master in.
2. Pass it on to 6 bloggers you think are masters at friendship & make blogging so awesome.

I so got this on lock man.

OK so I am AWESOME and MASTER in:
1. Painting my toes. I can do this in any situation. Moving vehicle, outside, inside, on a bed, floor, couch, etc. I did it the morning I gave birth to both of my kids. Women who complain about not reaching their feet? Lazy bitches I tell you. I was all contorted because I will be damned if I'm going to get fondled by several strangers without painted toes and shaved legs.

2. Reading. I am a FAST reader. I usually do 3 or 4 books a week. Big ones. I think I piss off the librarians because they must think I'm just checking books out for show. No, I read that fast. Which is why I can't buy every book I read. It would be at least $80 a week in books. Not practical.

3. Grocery Shopping. I am a mother fucking ROCKSTAR when it comes to buy groceries. I spend, on average, $75 for two weeks of meals for two adults and two kids. No joke. I clip coupons but most of the time I'm just that awesome. That's lunches and dinners, cereal is usually for breakfast. Plus snacks and I try to make at least one dessert a week.

4. Remembering stuff. I have an amazing memory. I have what I refer to as a slight photographic memory. I'm not like a freak or like Rainman or like a circus show because I can't keep the photo of everything in my head. Like dang. It ain't that big up there. BUT I do know that I passed three years of spanish because of it. Can I speak spanish? No. I can ask how to get to a bathroom and a few other words here and there. But I passed because I could look at the study sheet and remember it exactly and then when I took the test, I passed. Well. I'm sure the teacher wondered how I was testing so well but couldn't say a damn thing coherently. Oh well. But this carries over to other stuff. Like you ask me where something is (in the house or in a place I've been to) I can literally close my eyes, visualize the entire set up and pin point everything. It's like drawers, cupboards, etc are see through and I can see what's in them. So handy. It drives Matt nuts.

5. I organize like it is going out of style. I have everything organized in the house. Again, drives Matt nuts. But jesus I like it tidy. I don't mind being the one to tidy but best believe if I fold those towels and arrange them just so you better not fuck them up. Or I will fuck up your world. I'm one of those people that as I throw things out or am rearranging something I feel like stress leaving me. I feel better.

6. Kissing. I am a great kisser. I've improved over the years but every guy I have ever kissed has told me I am amazing. And I think I just am, it's not like I've had a lot of practice. I had my first kiss on a park bench when I was 17. So in 10 years I have perfected my smooch. And it's good. But you'll likely never know.

OK so who oh who am I going to give this to. Well I am going to give it to some of my faithful followers. Or stalkers. Whatever. I love 'em just the same. (And by me posting these, please check out their blogs and give them some love. I love their blogs and so I'm sure you will to. They are all different from each other but are ones that totally make my day when I see them pop up on my GoogleReader)

1. Danielle at Keepin It Real! Because I can appreciate her plight as a young mommy.

2. Krysten at After I Do because she lives sorta-kinda-not really close to me and we ARE going to meet up. And it will be fun. Because we are both awesome. Bonus- I'm guest blogging for her soon. I have a dirty, dirty post coming. (I may scare your readers, Krysten. Love ya!)

3. Jandy at Alis Volatat Propriis because she is my blogger friend who gets bizarre behaving husbands and is awesome. And because I get to ship stuff to her. YAY! The next time she comes to America?? I am SO meeting her. And if I ever make it to Austrailia....I may move in with her.

4. Chicken from Tales From the Chicken Coop because she is crazy. And I attract crazy. We're both crazy. If we ever meet up I imagine it would just be a really loud ruckus. And we'd like get kicked out of wherever we were. Which would totally be cool because we'd be taken it to the streets.

5. Steph from Not the Oxygen because she too, is crazy. And we're FaceBook friends. And she cracks me up. I am demanding she learn some gangsta hand signals and then teach them to me.

6. And finally but never, ever the least. Mr. O from A Rush of Blog to the Head. I know his real name. And you likely don't. (I'm totally doing the "neer, neer, neer" face right now. And the annoying sound to go with it.) Mr. O is fabulous. I can't tell you how fabulous he is because you likely wouldn't believe me. Just trust me. In, literally, just a few short months of being a loyal follower of his and a few weeks of our emailing back and forth I totally consider him to be a friend. AND he's my best blogger friend- ZING! It's really weird because we don't live remotely close to each other, haven't known each other for very long, etc but he knows more about things I deal with than some of my friends that live near me. He's a fabulous listener, has impeccable taste in music (even if he does drink the smashing pumpkins haterade...I'll overlook that), and is promising me a mix CD. To which I will fully hold him accountable for. And in return I will mail muffins.

So there you go, lambs. Thanks for the award, E- I hope I did you proud. ;) This might break your hearts but I won't post tomorrow. I know...I'm sad too. But I am going to a spaghetti benefit for a friend of mine who needs a heart surgery and instead of Matt going (because he hates people apparently) I'm stealing my friend Jen to come with. We're going on a date just her and I. And we MIGHT go see a movie. This is epic, yall. I never get to see movies. In theatres. With people. I know. It's major. The last one was New Moon and the one before that? Um...Horton Hears A Who. I know. I'm lame. But I promise to try to change!

13 comments:

jprp said...

woman, I read the first few lines and was going to comment just on that, because OMG you crack me up! I was going to also tell you that your famous - My ace mate Karly has you in her blog today!! woot! You'll still say you know me wont you, you'll still be my friend even when your hanging with the famous peeps wont you?!!!!!! And then, you just made my day by letting me play along!!!! awww, i'm so proud!

Mr O said...

So, your followers are growing by the day. Like I've said, don't forget those that were there before the explosion :)

Two things about your six things:

1) You are a fast reader. And a fast typer. You have proved that without a doubt.

2) I loved how you said about kissing that we "will likely never know." I guess I just laughed that the word likely was thrown in there

As far as your too too kind words about me, even about my haterade, I will address those in the e-mail that I will try to have to you by the end of the weekend.

But I'm hoping to check out these other five blogger friends of yours. Maybe you can connect some of us ;)

Organic Meatbag said...

I beg to differ...you ARE a Rain Man-esque freak...hehehe

xoxoKrysten said...

Congrats on the award Sara and thanks for awarding it to me!

Maybe I should put a disclaimer on my blog, hehe.

And we are TOTALLY going to meet up. SOON!

Steph said...

Hahaha,thanks....dawg!

Katherine said...

An award well deserved it seems! You're hilarious! I'll be back, but now I'm off to check out your award recipients to see if they're as witty!

Smart Ass Sara said...

@Jandy- Your friend is famous? Well then when I move in with you in Austrailia she can make me famous and I'll be the crazy white American girl on TV. YES!

@Meatbag- I know I am. I try to keep it on the DL. But I am going to go to Vegas. And you may never hear from me again. ;)

@Krysten- No disclaimer. More fun that way. :)

@Steph- your welcome. Homie.

@Mr.O- I follow some awesome blogs so anything I suggest will have you laughin. And yes- I will look for email this weekend at some point. I have something INTERESTING to tell you. I know what your advice will be, but I'm still gonna ask. HAHA!

Chicken said...

Awww thanks for the nod! I was scrolling down your list just praying for a mention! You crack my shit up! I gave you the award back, I know you've already won but oh well. Two of something never hurt anyone ;)

The Ashes said...

I wish I had TIME to read that many books!

What the F said...

I am going for gasp's. Body Bag!
Chris
http://whatthef42.blogspot.com/

Fuegita said...

Hey! Saw you on 20sb.net so just wanted to stop by and say hi!

Kate said...

Congrats on the award! You truly are an omnivorous reader and I am eternally envious of your mad skillz. :D

Danielle said...

Thanks for mentioning me! :) I feel so honored - and first none the less! How special! I always read your blogs and fly through them then I'm like FUCK its over! And I go back and read it again! lol! I hope you had fun tonight at your Spaghetti dinner and hopefully you got see a movie?! :)