Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Let's Talk OCD and Matt's Fucking Mess, Shall We?

For those of you who have the absolute pleasure of knowing me in real life will know that I am ubber organized. I'm a neat person. I have a clean, organized, and very efficient house. I'm particular about smells up in my house so when you walk in you will likely smell either a cinnamon spice candle, the red one from Pier One that smells like kool aid and rocks my fucking world, or a Fruit Punch one (equal world rocking power) that I get from Kohl's. I clean my bathrooms a lot and if you come anytime on Sunday you will get high in there from the smell of bleach because that is my major deep clean day.

I recommend Sunday to visit my house. Because not only will you get high for free, but you'll get a fucking terrific dinner of baked spaghetti that I make with dessert. My spaghetti? Will blow your fucking mind. My spaghetti brings the boys to the yard. Fuck the milkshakes.

Anyways.
Let's talk about Matt's fucking mess because that is just grinding me to no god damn end. So let's invade his space, shall we?
There here is a picture of closet (no doors after three years---more on THAT later). Notice in the closet there is a hamper with kind of a clear bag thing and white base? That's for our dirty clothes. This ugly blue dresser is his. See the clothes on the floor?? Those are filthy and stinky. Only feet from the hamper. DRIVES.ME.FUCKING.NUTS.
Here's a more detailed pic of the dirty pile.
This basket? Is clean clothes that I have soaked, washed, dried, folded, sorted, and conveniently placed next to his dresser. It's been there three weeks. And every morning at about 3:45 a.m. he's waking my ass up to ask where his work pants are. In your fucking basket asshole.
This. Oh this. Is the TOP of his dresser. Matt has an affinity to save empty boxes, and containers. I bought him a basket thinking that maybe if he kept his "treasure" in here it wouldn't look so bad. I figure it works for a 4 year old girl, surely it would work for a soon to be 30 year old guy. Right? WRONG. If you need the most random thing- check here. We've got (and this isn't all inclusive): empty box for go phone that has been dead for about a year (the phone is now a play toy), water bottle, deodorant-two of them, prescription, heartburn meds , contact case, crazy glue, some meter thingie for electrical shit, remote to a DVD player we no longer own, flashlights, plastic bags, safety glasses, clock that doesn't work, keys, pencil, chapstick of mine he hijacked that is $7/tube from Bath & Body, wires, cords, empty cd cases, various hand tools, etc. WHY do you need all of this shit at hand??

Here is the box next to his dresser. More shit. The big blue rubbermaid box is full of Lego's from when he was a kid. They smell. The small blue box? Olivia's tiny Lego's. (We keep these in here so Jackson doesn't get into him because he'd likely eat them). The clear box? Clothes that no longer fit the kids that has been in here, no kidding, almost two years. I asked him to put them with the others in the garage, and you can see how far they got. The rest of this shit is a bunch of computer parts, wires, (yes, that's duct tape you see), two of his laptops, on top of Olivia' lego box is a black zip up case with like every computer program under the sun because you know- we might need that someday.
And his disaster doesn't end here. One day I will sneak out to the garage and show you THAT. He never was this way when we dated. Even in our apartment (which I loved and really miss) he was a neat freak. What the fuck happened?! I can say that with a lot of things about him but this one?? Drives me insane. I can't live like this. I feel like I'm in the beginning stages of Hoarders.
One summer, I went to the garage to sort yard sale stuff. I found, and I am not fucking exaggerating, HUNDREDS of cardboard boxes. Empty. For no reason. He gets attached to these boxes because what if we move? Nevermind we can't sell this house for another five years per our mortgage agreement and by then the boxes will likely be gross. So when he was working one Saturday I had my mom watch the kids. I cut up every single box- and took them all to the recycle place. I had to make 6 trips over the course of 4 hours but I got rid of them all. And let me tell you----this was not a happy Sara after that afternoon.
He came home in a PANIC when he realized they were gone. He asked me what happened, I totally lied and said I had no idea. To this day? He thinks someone stole his boxes. Because that would totally happen. You know people robbing house say, "Fuck the electronics, jewelry and anything with value...grab the boxes, yo!"
So yeah. I need to figure this shit out because this? Is unacceptable. I'm actually really easy to live with and I don't even snoop. But this?? Not ok. First step is to stop washing clothes not in a hamper. Matt is on his last pair of socks right now, so you know he'll have a shit fit tomorrow morning. And guess who doesn't care?
Me.
Because I'm a bitch, aka queen of the lamb whores. And I don't fuck around.







19 comments:

jprp said...

woman! thats my house! we have little piles of crap everywhere! This is how bad it even is.... we have a collection of rocks that steves found on our kitchen window sill!!! ooooh blogging inspiration right there!!!

xoxoKrysten said...

Dude. Boys suck. For real.

I don't claim to be the world's cleanest person. However, I can't stand when Dustin A) Leave his video games and controllers out B) Leaves beer cans EVERYWHERE C) Doesn't fold his clean clothes and D) Leaves his dirty clothes ALL OVER.

Our husbands would probably be best friends. They must never meet.

Angela said...

I'll be coming over on Sunday, with cupcakes, because my cupcakes bring all the boys to the yard.
Damn right.

I can be messy at times, so I love that my boyfriend is about the same amount of messy that I am. (Does that even make sense?)
But if there's a chance he can become even more messy like Matt mysteriously became, then I may just die.
Let's hope my boyfriend becomes more of a neat freak.

Smart Ass Sara said...

@jprp- at least with rocks you can put them into vases and make them look cool. Wires? Not so much.

@Krysten- no, hubs shall never meet. Maybe they can sit in the cars while we shop and have fun? :)

@Angela- it's a date, baby.

Lin said...

OMG, that's totally my husbands part of the closet! I wonder if it's in the male gene to want to 'hold on' to almost everything. After 7 years together he's gotten a lot better at certain things but one thing he hasn't let go of is holding onto little electronic parts & storing them in shoe boxes...SO ANNOYING!

Christina Thomas said...

I would just start throwing crap in the garbage!!!

Jeremy's dresser looks exactly like that and then he will try to put crap on my dresser. I throw on the floor. Then he yells!

My biggest pet peeve right now is toothpaste in the sink. He doesn't ever clean it out. GROSS!

Men are just disgusting! I think I could live without mine.

Tara Johnson said...

I hear ya sister! My boyfriend likes to do laundry like, once a month and do 4+ loads at a time. At first we shared a hamper, but that only lasted maybe 2 wks before I had to buy my own. Once his hamper is full, he just throws the clothes on the floor, which takes up so much space on the floor. It is so annoying! Oh! And for some reason he keeps every magazine he ever gets! They are in a big tupperware box in the garage, but one day, trust me, they will magically disappear. Grr! You're not alone!

Blue~Flame said...

Boys, noys, boys.
Although I'm a mess too, if i say so myself.
http://gubraithianfire.blogspot.com

Organic Meatbag said...

Oh, the shit you put this poor guy through... Sara, at the rate you're going, you're going to be at full-blown Howard Hughes OCD level....crazy beard and everything...not THAT beard...I'm talking...well, maybe...I don't know...just...CRAZY!

Sam said...

Yikes! Does Matt even know how to use a washer and dryer? You should get those vacuum seal bags that you attach the vacuum hose to and it sucks ALL the air out of it and just instead of washing his clothes just vac seal them up and hide them until he has no more, then tell him he should have been more responsible because now he has lost all his clothes and he must walk around with his head hung in shame for being so messy. (The vacuum seal bags aren't really necessary to hiding clothes, I just saw an infomercial on them and they looked pretty neat!) :)

"And so our stories go..." said...

Oh, how funny. I'm a neat freak too and my husband has the same mess! maybe it's karma...? I actually close my eyes when I look at his side of the closet. Thanks for making me feel I'm not alone.
Mary

Sara said...

I understand the frustration. I did this with Jon in 2003ish? Got really frustrated by his lack of help, the mess, the whole thing. Was whining about it (a lot), then spent many weekends with my BIL and SIL four-wheeling, where they argued constantly about these kinds of things, they were/are heading for divorce. I vowed to find a way to make myself happy and not hold onto the anger I felt towards Jon about the house mess. It took a lot of effort, and I probably don't do the cleaning with a thankful heart, but mine and Jon's relationship was/is better for my effort. It is what? 7 years later and now he cleans.

Hope Matt takes a big boy pill and starts cleaning up. In the meantime, drink more?

Smart Ass Sara said...

@Lin- small electric parts drive me nuts.

@cristina- I now have clorox and windex wipes in the bathroom. because I hate toothpaste in the sink but worse is toothpaste flecks on the mirror. Ew.

@Tara- toss 'em!!

@meatbag- I'm not crazy. I'm organized and cute.

@Sam- haven't I mentioned that you should stop watching those infomercials? How are you on the Sookie Stackhouse series?! I'm dying to hear!

@and so...- you can be co-chair of the support group.

@Sara- If I was a drinker it'd probably help. :( But yeah- I clean the rest of the house, the least he can do is at least toss his clothes. Dang.

Chicken said...

Uh Oh sounds like you're on a rampage. Every one better stand the F&*( back! I agree with the no clothes washing thing too. And if you actually fold the clean ones, then stop. It will drive him batty.

Steph said...

Thank God you got him instead of me. You'd find us on an episode of Hoarders because although I'm no hoarder that's what we'd look like together.

It's strange...I'm crazy neat when living on my own, but have turned into a mess since moving in with The Mom's in Nov. I think they're ruining my psyche.

Kristin said...

Matt and I are cut outta the same cloth. I'm pretty messy. I try not to be, but our room always ends up a wreck mainly due to moi! ah ha ha

Sarah Lindahl said...

OMG, I think we are married to the same man. He's messy because he's living a double life and keeping a messy dresser in both homes.

Sarah Lindahl said...

Oh geez, I just looked at your profile and you live in Superior. I live in Duluth. We actually could be sharing the same husband. Holy shit! Is he there right now?

Mom Taxi Julie said...

I tried the not washing thing and he just wore the same socks and underwear for a week!