Drivers ed was horrible. I was TERRIFIED to drive. My parents tried to get me to practice and I just wouldn't. I almost killed the instructor and poor Steve Gregorich who was hot and who had practice. How I didn't kill us that summer is a miracle. And one day before my test my dad told me I had to drive with him. So he takes me to Jay Cooke State Park where you are in a forest, narrow winding roads where you can't really see when the next turn is or what direction it is. And made me do 40mph through it. I thought I was going to die. I think my dad aged 10 years in the car. I think I cried.
That sign said "Caution-slippery road". You can see I am driving on glare ice. But after 45 minutes on the road white knuckling it I take the 2nd Cloquet exit to get to the dentist. Not plowed. 3 inches of snow on the exit ramp and then the merge lane. SCARY. When I get to Cloquet NOTHING is plowed and they had like 6 inches of snow. I heard later on that some school busses were in accidents, stuck in ditches, etc.
Remember when I talked about calling a gift shop to ask if they sold Scandinavian vibrators? This is the place! So I admit maybe I don't make the *wisest* decisions on whether it's safe enough to drive. But I do follow my road laws (except speed limits). I use my blinker. I pass with plenty of room. I take no fucking shit from people tailing me. But if you are going to do 25 in a 55 zone? You better believe my ass is going to be on you with the horn. You are a god damn road hazard if you can't keep up with the flow of traffic. I'm sorry you are 100 million years old and are scared of all the shiny metal whizzing by you. But if you are scared to drive, please don't. Also remember that GREEN MEANS GO. It amazes me that we will all sit there at a green light. Fucking go already. What is the problem?? Gas pedal on your right. Floor it, bitch.
I also talk to drivers like they can hear me. Like, "Hi? What the fuck are you doing??" "Um, does this look like a fucking turn lane? No, it isn't. That's what the big fucking median is for asshole". And I try REALLY hard not to do it with my kids in the car. Instead I just bang the steering wheel. And Olivia will usually say, "Lot of idiots out there, mama". Yes there are Olivia. Yes, there are.
That bumper sticker said "Sarah Palin for President 2012". I'm sorry, I'll for like go women! movements but fuck. Really? Sarah Palin is the BEST woman we could come up with? It's a sad day if she even makes it to the ballot. The kicker? It was an old guy driving this. You can't really see it, but that piece of shit appliance is held in that truck with a rope the diameter of a pencil. I feel super safe driving up the hills of Duluth behind this asshat. Unless you are driving a super duper nice car- please don't take up 3 spaces horizontally. Thanks, fucktard. I can't drive with Matt because he scares me. He has ADD when it comes to driving. He's so busy looking around that he has to slam on his brakes at every light and every time the car ahead of us has to turn. He basically rapes the middle line or the curb. Like raping it. All over the place. How he hasn't gotten pulled over for suspicion of DUI I don't know. Matt learned how to drive in the country and apparently, there are no road laws. You can just drive wherever because you don't see much traffic. Stop signs? Optional. And it's ok to stop for roadkill in the middle of the road.
But he drives a Jeep Cherokee and everytime I get in, I see this sticker:
My friend Lisa will not drive with Matt because he almost killed us going to ValleyFair. That's a story for another time. But when Matt is busy raping the curb this is what I see. It's scary. Now I drive a mini-van because hi, I'm a mom. Which always throws people off when they figure out it's the van with the GUnit rap coming out of it. :) Plus I find that I have to haul a lot of shit all of the time so it was practically forced onto me. But that's ok. It's perfect for roadtrips!
But I really like to drive, alone, with my music cranked so I jam out, by myself. It's just the other douchenozzles that drive me nuts.