I don't know if you remember how much I don't like Oprah (especially her horrible fucking book club picks) but yeah- I don't like that chick. I mean she's loud, obnoxious, can't decide whether to just be fat or stop eating the god damn cupcakes, and she is so condescending. AND she has nasty feet.
I mean jesus. Either get that shit fixed or don't wear sandals. And for christ sakes- stop wearing the heels, yo. I've seen farm animals with better feet.
This post is not about Oprah or her nasty feet. It's about me. Because it's my blog and I'm turning 28 next week, yo! March 10 is when my mother birthed me (thanks, mom) and ever since then I've been wowing the world with my potty mouth and inappropriate comments. Not to mention my "you can't make this shit up" life events. Someday, I will be famous. Someday you will see me on the Today Show telling Meredith Viera how I really feel she needs plastic surgery. And that maybe using a voice box would be better than the voice she's got going on now.
So on whatever day it was, I mentioned I was going to do a giveaway for my lamb whores and goat sluts (which is what I'm going to call my male followers and fucking perverts that keep emailing me disgusting questions) to show you how much I appreciate you. But because it's all about me, and I'm better than Oprah (except I'm not rich or famous) it's going to be the:
SARA'S FAVORITE THINGS giveaway, bitches! (start your incessant screaming and flailing now...)
What will you get if you win??
- some of my favorite lotion (and it's not a pissy girl smell either goat sluts)
- something from my favorite movie
- my favorite candy (2 kinds, even)
- my favorite car smelly thing because nobody wants a rank ass smell up in your wheels
- the best fucking soap ever. And use it. Nobody likes when you have stinky hands.
- one of my favorite things to do inside or out.
- ONE lucky bitch will win a full size of my favorite scent (that matches the lotion)
- a secret goodie or few.
- a personalized note from your Lamb Leader.
How do you win?
- Must be a follower. Duh.
- Pimp me out on your blog.
- Post a comment on THIS thread telling me how fabulous I am. (ok, so that's not totally a requirement, but it'd be nice. It IS my birthday, hello)
Giveaway Deadline is: FRIDAY, MARCH 5TH
How will I draw winners?
- There will be THREE winners for this. Oh yes- I'll give you a minute to dry your panties.
- I hate the random number generator because that's more work for me. I didn't have kids to be doing more work. SO I will write all entries on paper and make my daughter Olivia draw. Then take pictures of her holding the name, hopefully not crying. No guarantees on the no crying, though.
- I will post the winners on Saturday morning because I'll be too busy on Friday to deal with this. I'm going to see Alice in Wonderland. Clearly, you see my priorities.
- Packages will be mailed on March 8 (that'd be the Monday, lambs and goats) so you can enjoy your shit in time for my birthday on Wednesday.
- And I will ship internationally because now that I have mastered it and I like to keep the post office on their toes I'm opening it up for everyone. Except hi- you need to have an actual address. A box will go nowhere with an addy like, "third hut on the right". OK??
Is this unclear for you? Do you have questions? Well I can't help you because this is all pretty self explanatory. I mean seriously. Reading comprehension is a good skill to have. Life lesson, yo.
Good luck lambs and goats!