Tuesday, March 9, 2010

On The Edge of 28...An Open Letter to Younger Self.

OK I have a bit of housekeeping to do before I go into my letter. Miranda over at Ink On My Sleeve asked me to do a guest post for her this week. So if you are interested in checking it out, please do that HERE. And also I really want you to enter Spirit Phoenix's giveaway. Not because I think you are going to win, because I've got that in the bag, but because you should give blog love. Ink On My Sleeve is having a giveaway as well (proper pimping you, Miranda) but I will warn you. I have that shit on lock. Don't even try. :)

Anyways. On with the show, eh?

Dear Younger, Skinner, Soft Spoken Self:

Hi. I'm you in a few years. Don't panic- you still have great skin, your boobs have gotten a bit bigger and you are not single with 50 cats. You are also not a hoarder. All good things.

But there are some things I'd like to just give you a heads up on because I've got to be honest. You are sometimes an idiot. First off- learn to make a damn decision on your own. You can ask everyone what they'd do- their answers are always the same because *apparently* everybody except you gets it. And you know their right. So just make a decision and go with it.

When you are in 8th grade on the last day of the year? Do not get offended that your so called friend asked your crush out. Because she will eventually drop out of high school, get ugly, and be a loser. Your crush will stay hot and eventually become your neighbor with his wife and two kids. Which wouldn't be awkward normally, but on his move in day his mom helpfully tells him, "You remember, Sara, right? She had the biggest crush on you she said!" Yeah. It also will be funny when you see him playing at the park with his kids when you know that you vandalized the tube slide in 9th grade with your friend when you wrote "SK + TR" in glitter puff paint. That stained the slide and is there forever and he has no idea that TR is him.

When you get to 9th grade and you find out your best friend is moving? It's sad. No lie. But try to make new friends right away. After 9th grade it's a lost cause and you'll never fit in anywhere if you don't. You'll be the weird girl on the outside of the circle. And when Gabe asks you out in 9th grade? Just say yes. It's the only action you'd be seeing until 11th grade anyways.

When you do get to 11th grade and your crush asks you to go to a hot tub party? Don't be a fucking pussy and say no. GO. Even if would never have worked out because you're a city girl, he's a country boy because he was hot. Even if you do suspect your friend is being a douche about it. And in 11th grade when the boy who everyone knows is gay asks you out, do as I did and say no. It's ok. You lose a friend but in the end, it's ok.

When you turn 17 and the boy from DQ asks you out, it's ok to say yes. It was a good 3 years. Just don't get engaged. And if you really think you're going to have sex with him, for god sakes find somewhere other than his parents house to do it. Because it's kind of lame and anti-climatic. In more ways than one.

During your senior year reconsider being in a relationship. Please know you aren't going to marry the guy even if he did give you a pretty ring. He has no job, lives with his parents, and is a compulsive liar. You know this, your parents know this (despite what you think now), and you have a future. Don't let him talk you out of going to the senior party because he'd miss you. That's shit and you'll regret it.

Don't let anybody tell you that you aren't smart enough to be a geologist. It's what you really want to do so you should just do it. It'll give you opportunities I will tell you right now you won't ever have if you stick on this path. And if you do decide to skip that and go to the community college to be a secretary- be happy with that. It's a good job and you will actually enjoy it most days. And don't let anyone tell you that you didn't go to a "real" college because that was hard work. Those 2 years kicked your ass and you worked damn hard to get the rank you did.

But when you are in college you will meet your husband. And it's good in the beginning. Enjoy every minute of it. You won't be the clingy, jealous girlfriend which is good. You'll make plans. But when you see signs of anything weird- do something. You'll get married and you'll be so happy that day. You will feel like a princess and for the first time in your life you will feel like the center of attention. That you are worthy of love and can be liked by others. Hold onto that because it is fleeting.

When you get pregnant the first time even though you are ecstatic- please pay attention to the information about post partum depression. I didn't and it was awful. Tell your doctor you need help and it isn't the baby blues.

The next few years are hard. I won't lie. You'll learn a lot about yourself, your capabilities, and your husband. You won't be happy. And when you get to the unhappy part please do something. Leave when you have the chance. Even when you find out your pregnant with your second baby it's ok. You can do it. It'll be easier to do it then than later on. You have a support system of friends around you. You will be hurt and angry. You will feel let down by some friends and family. You will feel abandoned but it'll be ok.

And I hope by doing these things, you will face a much different 28th year than I am. I hope better for you than I had. I hope that you don't change the path too much because the reward of the two kids you'll end up having is better than any kind of love a guy can give you. They make me want to sacrifice my happiness so they can be happy.

I don't know where I'll be next year. I don't know if Matt will be here with me. I don't know if we can work things out. But I do know I'm scared. I do know that I'm sad. I do know that I want to continue to be the best mom that I can to Jackson and Olivia. I do know that no matter what path I choose I am facing a very long and hard road ahead of me.

21 comments:

Angela said...

This was a beautiful post, seriously. If only we could really go back and give our younger selves a letter like this. It would change everything we know now.

The Insatiable Host said...

what a great post girlie!!! holy eff!!! I just love how you have such a strength and power with your words..now I dont know if it's my pms talking or if it's close to home but if I had the voice then as I do now, I cant imagine what I would say..

amazing!!!

danon

PS...I have Miranda's contest in the bag...seriously...i do.

Chicken said...

You always make me laugh and now you made me cry you bitch! Deep post, I loved every word.

Smart Ass Sara said...

@Angela- THANKS.

@Insatiable Host- bitch, please. I posted my list tonight and it ROCKS. And how dare you steal the neil young song. ;)

@Chicken- gurl...get yo hormones under control. :) lol. Is it deep enough to get you to do your "o" face? Because if not I failed. (totally watching office space right now..)

Another David said...

Keep your head up! Everything happens for a reason, and I'm sure everything will work out in the end for you - it just has to! You know what will make you feel better? Partying with a midget. I'll see what I can do ;)

Karls said...

Awesome post! I wish I could remember stuff from back that far... perhaps I should tell my younger self to lay of the bongs! haha

Holy Hannah said...

I love your posts! You always make me giggle so much I pee a little. ~ Steph

Mr O said...

not gonna lie, this post was kind of sad. But a beautiful sad kind of way.

Can you tell your younger self the most important detail of all? That in the future there will be these things called "blogs" and you need to get into them sooner than you did and find blogs like mine so we could have been buddies at an earlier point in my life

xoxoKrysten said...

I just want to say one thing: that post was fucking fantastic.

Shanel said...

This was a sweet post... sincere, open, and honest.... you children are blessed. Just wanted to tell you that marriage is rough... I've been divorced... it SUCKED... but it was also a breath of fresh air.... and FREEDOM.... what ever happens I know you'll make the right decision for you and your children and I'm sure a bunch of your bloggy friends have been thru the same thing.... kepp your chin up... it really does get better.

Amber said...

Sara, if I were to write a letter to myself, it would be almost word for word like this. Even though I do not have two kids (that totally complicates things) the first seven years of my marriage were pure HELL. I really think when we marry young, we are making serious mistakes. I mean, I look at the friends I had when I was 20 (my age when I married) and they are totally different than the ones I have now. I am a different person than I was at 20. With that said, how are we supposed to say we will be in love with that same person we fell in love with at 20? As we age, we start to change into the people we will eventually become, and sometimes choose different paths than our spouses do. Then it brings in the question of divorce. Both Joshua and I decided eight years ago we didn't want to have a divorce under out belts before our 30s. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done, but we pulled ourselves back onto the same path and it has been wonderful ever since. But of course, we didn't have kids.

I know the feeling because I felt it for many many years. I would like to say it gets better, but sometimes it doesn't. Either way, you are stronger and smarter now and will make the right decision for you and the kids.

I have faith in that.

Smart Ass Sara said...

@AnotherDavid- how about you just mail me a midget? Or maybe you can come HERE and then we'll go midget hunting!!

@Karls- I forgot to add that Jack Daniels is not my friend. No matter how much I like the bottle he is not my friend.

@HolyHannah- Note to self: put pantiliners in next giveaway box..

@MrO- true dat, homie. But if you met me when you were younger- I can GUARANTEE you that I would have been trouble. Good and fun trouble, but still. I would have corrupted you at far too young an age. ;)

@Krysten- No YOU are fantastic.

@Shanel- Don't tease me with freedom. :) I actually have a lot of freedom right now as Matt doesn't tell me what I can/can't do. Mostly because he knows I do my own thing. I've always been Miss Independent. heehee

@Amber- Having kids makes is exponentially worse. Had I not had kids I would have left Matt almost three years ago without a second thought. But now?? I am not going to lie, it feels like the only thing keeping me going is their faces when they see him. I'm struggling with making myself happy and them happy. and I *know* ultimately they will be happy when I am but right now?? It's hard to absorb that.

SpiritPhoenix said...

Great post! I know things will work out for the best for you.

Thanks for the second pimpage. You rock, Lamb Whore leader!!!

Sam said...

Great post, I loved it. Happy birthday!!!

Sara said...

I'm crying. What an awesomely powerful post. Makes me wonder what I'd tell younger me.

Steph said...

Shut up! Why'd you have to go and make me feel sappy. i LOVE this post.

Again, Happy Birthday, friend :)

egosyntonic said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LADY!!!

____j said...

I've done one of these before. It's surprisingly refreshing to get those thoughts written. I loved this. It was kind of like a roller coaster, and I like those.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

I could have written a lot of that myself. Sometimes I find myself counting how many years until my kids graduate. Sad.

Kassie said...

great idea for a post!
Stopping by from 20sb.

jprp said...

wow, amazingly this is almost the same letter as mine... what a surprise hey! lets run away, but we can bring your babies with us!!! I feel for you hunny, but i also know youre awesome enough to get through it all xx