Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Taking Over The World With Jamie, and My New Bitch, Robert

I am going to warn you right off that this post is full of awesome and win. Well, potential win.


First off I'm going to continuing beating the dead horse that is not-really-my giveaway that is ending on Friday. And you need to enter it otherwise I will make fun of you and possibly not be your friend. Ok, that's not true but I'll make you sit in the pasture for reject lambwhores and goatsluts. Nobody wants to be THAT kind of loser. So you need to go HERE to enter. Do it now or be banished.


And if that wasn't enough for you to love Jamie...bitches she is having a giveaway on her own blog. Fabulousness. Now, please know I've already entered. And I'm not above cheating. But go to her blog HERE and show some love anyways. Enter her giveaway over there where you have a chance to win one of TWO prizes. Do you need to relax? She's willing to help. (And yes, I have already mentioned that she's not offering "male services" but I'm confident the next relax giveaway will have that.)

Now some of you who are LUCKY enough to have my real life phone number got a text from me about two weeks ago in regards to what Matt got me for my birthday. Because obviously my birthday came and went with no gift. So I figured well- no big. That just means I don't have to get him anything for his 30th in August- score. But like with every other thing he sucks ASS as keeping a secret. He cannot keep one detail in his mouth. Nope- he has to tell somebody. And when I say NOTHING is sacred I am so serious. Believe that.

He had asked if he could spend $35 on Amazon for my birthday. So I'm like, "obviously this is an approved expense" which clearly it is. So I'm thinking, YES! I'm getting a super duper rad iPod holder for when I'm getting my fuckmill on. Or YES! He's getting me the Jimi Hendrix box set I wanted. Or YES! He's getting me a super fabulous purse, shoes, jewelry, etc.

No.

You want to know what I got?


A six foot cardboard cut out of Robert Pattinson. Now you all know I love me some Robert. (See HERE, HERE, and HERE as a few examples) My love for Robert is only slightly attributed to the Twilight series. I liked the Twilight series (Eclipse was my favorite of the series- can you even GUESS how excited I am to see partially nude Robert in that?!) but my love for Robert goes back to his Harry Potter days. I really want to see his movie Little Ashes a biopic of sorts of Salvadore Dali which is only one of my favorite artists of all time (and I am so pissed that everytime I go to Florida I never get to see the museum. GRRR) But his other movie, How To Be is fucking hilarious. And I saw Remember Me, so great for lots of different reasons. But anyways.

So I now own this. I have really nowhere else to put it except next to my side of the bed. Which I will be honest, scares the SHIT out of me every night, every morning, and basically every time I walk into my room. I mean, we've talked about my fear of the dark and being kidnapped/murdered, etc and this? Does not help. Seriously.

His rationalization for getting me this as a gift were two-fold. The first was that I loved Robert so much and you know- I said I wanted this. Yeah- I mean that as a fucking joke. In no way would I condone spending $35 on cardboard. And it's ironic because this is the guy who wouldn't pay for moving boxes. And second- when I said "Where am I supposed to put this?" His response? "Well I thought you could put it in front of the treadmill. You know, for motivation."

OH. NO. HE. DIDN'T.

No- you did not just say that asshole. I could have come back with a MILLION things as a retort, but I didn't. Nope. I kept my mouth shut. Paybacks are always ten fold and I just know there will be a time where this will come back to bite him.

But in the meantime, I asked two of my faithful followers what I should do. Now my super awesome follower, Chicken, said that I should somehow attach a vibrator to it. Clever, Chicken. Clever.

Was it a nice effort? Sure. Could he actually have gotten me one of the 3,821 things I actually asked for? Yup.

But at least I won't feel bad when I go on an iTunes frenzy this evening.

14 comments:

xoxoKrysten said...

Oh. My. God. Please Sara PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take that with you when you go to see Eclipse. I will come with you! And it will be HYSTERICAL! Can you IMAGINE!? I'm laughing my ass off right now just thinking about it. Dustin came out here and asked me what was so funny and I had to explain and now he thinks I'm crazy.

P.S. Why the F do I not have your digits, hmmmm?

Ann said...

Oh, hell, my birthday's coming up soon...maybe hubby will get me a cutout of Gerard Butler? And THAT I would attach a vibrator to!

Smart Ass Sara said...

@Krysten- Girl, I would bring him if I could. But he is 6feet tall. Not to mention bulky and heavy. I mean, I'm all for make out sessions at movies but damn. This could be kind of obvious.

@Ann- Please know that I just tried looking for one for you. No luck. BUT I did find an AWESOME poster site with lots of Gerard candy. MMM..

____j said...

Thanks for pimping me [again!] You're awesome. And it's nice to see that someone else is scared of the dark, too. I get so tired of being made fun of for that!

AND--as much as I love Robert, I would NOT want a cardboard cutout. I can definitely see why you get scared.

Chicken said...

Hey you have to admit, it was a great idea. Visual stimulation. Just sayin'

Morgan said...

That is quite possibly THE best bday gift in a long, long time!

nevalia said...

nice blog

Sam said...

I think you should strap him into your passenger seat and make Matt sit in the back with the kids.
With Robert being next to your bed and all, it's kind of like in the book/movie where Edward watches Bella sleep!! Bella...Sara...kinda rhymes, yeah? :)

Tiffany said...

love the edward cardboard I can't wait for eclipse... I am counting down the days

Haley Dawn said...

men, they never really know how to make us happy. I would also be scared s*itless of the cut out because I too have the SAME fear! I hate being home alone in the dark!

all I have to say- Revenge is Sweet :)

Gini said...

I'm sorry but that is an awesomely thoughtful gift! If I'd gotten a basket of generic shit from Bath & Body Works, I'd be pissed. But something that's actually relevant to one of the things I love in life and hysterical to boot? YES PLEASE. I'm impressed that he actually sat and thought about what you might like and hopefully find funny. Go Matty!

Mom Taxi Julie said...

Too too funny! I love Chicken's advice!

Melissa Leah said...

I have to agree with Chicken on that one. Or just keep it on the side of the bed for fantisizing simulation.

But that would scare the shit out of me though if I was walking in a dark room and see that.

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

oh Good God, I feel your pain. my husband always gets me the stupidest shit, too. The past year or so, he has stopped. I started giving him shit for wasting his money and how he should just do nothing instead of wasting money on shit I will never use.

I think I hurt his feelings. But now I get what I want. Like on my birthday 3 days ago he bought me tickets to Chelsea Handler's stand up show in May.

Just insult him a lot. I know you can do that.