*golf clap and leg pumps, yall*
But it's time to get serious. Because things have gotten serious up in my house. For lots of different reasons, but today we are going to focus on my cats. You remember Lenny and Rosie, don't you? Of course you do. It's hard to forget when Lenny is gay and Rosie was feral and we are in the process of taming her.
I think we are absolute idiots too and I have no idea why we have either of them. But I'm partial to Lenny because he is pure entertainment. I mean, he'll hump you while you wear a knitted sweater. He will bite your butt when you walk in. I mean, he's all kinds of fun. But Rosie is psychotic and there is no way around that. That cat clearly has some mental health issues that I have no interest in treating with horribly expensive medication. I can't even afford to get her girly parts fixed which is part of my problem.
Let's talk about Lenny and his sexual needs first, ok? Well Lenny was neutered. We spent a LOT of money on that visit because Lenny got neutered and had one of his nails removed on one of his front paws because it never retracted. Poor guy got it stuck on EVERYTHING. But his front paws has an extra toe on each but his disfigurement is adorable. He looks like he has mittens on. But since we got him neutered he's done weird things.
First, he humps anything and everything. Stuffed animals, blankets, you, your clothes, the babies, etc. Nothing is exempt from his humping. He is seriously worse than any dog I have every owned. Jackson will go to Lenny shouting "NO!" and try to rescue the blanket. Olivia will sometimes cry or say, "MOM!!! Lenny's liking me again". Sorry.
This weekend things have escalated. He is no longer interesting in the multitude of things we have on the first floor. No. He dragged this blanket off of Olivia's bed, which is on the 2nd floor. You better believe he humped it all the way too. This is not how I envisioned teaching my kids about sexual reproduction.
At the very least I expected to have bananas, condoms, and enough pamphlets to scare the shit out of them. But now that Lenny carries large blankets around and straddles them making a horribly disgusting noise, Olivia is asking questions. And frankly? I have no idea what to say.
So we had this conversation:
Me: You remember in the Princess and the Frog when Ray the lightbug really loved Evangeline because he thought she was a lightbug too but she was really only a star?
Me: Well this is the same thing. Lenny thinks these things are boy kitties. Your blanket is Lenny's true love.
Olivia: But he has Rosie. She likes boys.
Me: Well...um... Lenny doesn't really like girls. He likes boys. It's hard to explain.
Olivia: It's yucky.
Me: It's not yucky. He loves your blankie.
So hi- can you tell I'm not ready to deal with this? Yeah. It's not good. But yesterday...things really stepped up a notch. Rosie...is in heat.
Now I have NEVER in all of my life had a female cat. I've heard of this, but have never had to deal with it. We are on day two of her really loud weird purring and I'm about ready to stick a pen up her ass to see if that gets her to shut up.
THIS is the torture they should be using in Guantanamo Bay. THIS is going to turn me into an alcholic. Or a pill popper. SOMETHING.
And Rosie, going with her instincts, is slutting it up to Lenny. She's shaking her ass in his face. She sat on his face. She's licking his ass. She's practically throwing herself at him. I mean, as a woman, these are all fine things to do. But Lenny's gay. No amount of cleavage or ass shaking is going to change this.
I asked Matt how badly we needed lights and water because I'm willing to not pay the utilities this month to get her spaded or whatever. Things are that bad. I mean I just cannot take any more of this. It's so loud. And again, as a woman who also is in heat and getting none, I can sympathize with her plight.
Which is why they should make kitty vibrators. I'm sure I could make Matt help the cat out a bit. The cats he grew up with were all whores and he tells me this could last two months. TWO.FUCKING.MONTHS.PEOPLE. No good.
So basically, between Lenny humping his blanket, Rosie whoring it up in the windows hoping for a stray cat with a penis (is it called penis on cats, too??) breaks into our house, and me going through batteries like it's nobody's business---this is basically looking like a brothel.