Sunday, March 28, 2010

This bitch is 300. My house has turned into a brothel.

Yay! This blog is *officially* 300 posts old. Can you believe it? (Side note, I also have exactly 200 followers. I just LOVE even numbers)

*golf clap and leg pumps, yall*

But it's time to get serious. Because things have gotten serious up in my house. For lots of different reasons, but today we are going to focus on my cats. You remember Lenny and Rosie, don't you? Of course you do. It's hard to forget when Lenny is gay and Rosie was feral and we are in the process of taming her.

I think we are absolute idiots too and I have no idea why we have either of them. But I'm partial to Lenny because he is pure entertainment. I mean, he'll hump you while you wear a knitted sweater. He will bite your butt when you walk in. I mean, he's all kinds of fun. But Rosie is psychotic and there is no way around that. That cat clearly has some mental health issues that I have no interest in treating with horribly expensive medication. I can't even afford to get her girly parts fixed which is part of my problem.

Let's talk about Lenny and his sexual needs first, ok? Well Lenny was neutered. We spent a LOT of money on that visit because Lenny got neutered and had one of his nails removed on one of his front paws because it never retracted. Poor guy got it stuck on EVERYTHING. But his front paws has an extra toe on each but his disfigurement is adorable. He looks like he has mittens on. But since we got him neutered he's done weird things.

First, he humps anything and everything. Stuffed animals, blankets, you, your clothes, the babies, etc. Nothing is exempt from his humping. He is seriously worse than any dog I have every owned. Jackson will go to Lenny shouting "NO!" and try to rescue the blanket. Olivia will sometimes cry or say, "MOM!!! Lenny's liking me again". Sorry.

This weekend things have escalated. He is no longer interesting in the multitude of things we have on the first floor. No. He dragged this blanket off of Olivia's bed, which is on the 2nd floor. You better believe he humped it all the way too. This is not how I envisioned teaching my kids about sexual reproduction.
At the very least I expected to have bananas, condoms, and enough pamphlets to scare the shit out of them. But now that Lenny carries large blankets around and straddles them making a horribly disgusting noise, Olivia is asking questions. And frankly? I have no idea what to say.

So we had this conversation:

Me: You remember in the Princess and the Frog when Ray the lightbug really loved Evangeline because he thought she was a lightbug too but she was really only a star?

Olivia: Yeah.

Me: Well this is the same thing. Lenny thinks these things are boy kitties. Your blanket is Lenny's true love.

Olivia: But he has Rosie. She likes boys.

Me: Well...um... Lenny doesn't really like girls. He likes boys. It's hard to explain.

Olivia: It's yucky.

Me: It's not yucky. He loves your blankie.

So hi- can you tell I'm not ready to deal with this? Yeah. It's not good. But yesterday...things really stepped up a notch. Rosie...is in heat.

Now I have NEVER in all of my life had a female cat. I've heard of this, but have never had to deal with it. We are on day two of her really loud weird purring and I'm about ready to stick a pen up her ass to see if that gets her to shut up.

THIS is the torture they should be using in Guantanamo Bay. THIS is going to turn me into an alcholic. Or a pill popper. SOMETHING.

And Rosie, going with her instincts, is slutting it up to Lenny. She's shaking her ass in his face. She sat on his face. She's licking his ass. She's practically throwing herself at him. I mean, as a woman, these are all fine things to do. But Lenny's gay. No amount of cleavage or ass shaking is going to change this.

I asked Matt how badly we needed lights and water because I'm willing to not pay the utilities this month to get her spaded or whatever. Things are that bad. I mean I just cannot take any more of this. It's so loud. And again, as a woman who also is in heat and getting none, I can sympathize with her plight.

Which is why they should make kitty vibrators. I'm sure I could make Matt help the cat out a bit. The cats he grew up with were all whores and he tells me this could last two months. TWO.FUCKING.MONTHS.PEOPLE. No good.

So basically, between Lenny humping his blanket, Rosie whoring it up in the windows hoping for a stray cat with a penis (is it called penis on cats, too??) breaks into our house, and me going through batteries like it's nobody's business---this is basically looking like a brothel.

18 comments:

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Watch out -- cats in heat are VERY tricky. She might sneak out and get knocked up, and that would cost moola as well. Lots of shelters and Petcos do super cheap spay and neuter programs, so check into that first, because it will definitely be cheaper than taking her to your vet. Good luck!!

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

Holy Crap, Lamb Mother. What the hell kinda place you running up there? Sounds like kitty porno. Or kitty soaps. Same diff.

And I love the potty chillin' in the background of your picture.

Danielle said...

WOW! What a freakin weekend! I would def. look into cheap ways to get her spayed, here we have places like lollipop farm that will do it for free or dirt cheap! So you should definitely look into it so that not only can you have lights and water, but you can also have a whoreless cat! My neighbor's never got their cat fixed and she had a litter of kittens every single summer. Whenever she would come by my aunt would always say "I'm sorry but that cat is a slut." I think she supplied every kid in our neighborhood with a cute kitty to take home!

PS I agree with Monique, I love the potty in the background and thought the same thing when I saw the pic! :)

G said...

That cat reminds of Tiger Woods. Beating up chicks then banging them.

Sam said...

Yikes! Check your area shelters, most shelters to "spay day" and its like 30 bucks for everything and they go home the same day. I have 5 cats and all have been fixed by the humane society, so no need to spend your retirement!
The birds and the bees talk is so funny, how would one go about preparing for that?

jprp said...

OMG funniest post EVER! and being a crazy cat lady myself, I must admit even I have never had a cat with a fondness for blankies! good luck there babe! xx

Phoenix Jewellery Designs said...

OOh I hope you can find a charity vets or something.. your house would be as manic as ours with kitties too. we have 3 cats, a decrepid old neutered she who hates the world and everything in it, an 18month old neutered tom who thinks he's rambo and a 10 week old kitten who was soo poorly when he came to us and couldnt stand up we had to hand rear him.. but now thinks he can take on the world.( the two other cats) and win... and he so does... everything will work out for the good but have fun with the entertainment side of it all.. Gill

Amber said...

Quite entertaining......been there, done that. I know how incredibly annoying kitties in heat are. Yeah, look into some cheapy programs, you will be happy you did.

Chicken said...

BTW I see that you have 201 followers, but that's not counting the silent stalkers that remian anonymous. Let's just assume that those make it an even number again. Great sex talk there! Red Rocket Red Rocket.

xoxoKrysten said...

First off, we are so adding your cats to our animal porn site. Just because.

Second, cats in heat are NOOOOO fun. When we first got our cat Molly she wasn't fixed and she DROVE.US.NUTS. It's totally worth getting them fixed.

Another David said...

HAHAHA! What an odd object of affection. A blanket? It doesn't even look like another cat.

Gini said...

There's a way for you to calm her down, but I'm CRACKING THE FUCK UP thinking of you having to do it! Essentially.....you masturbate her with a q-tip.

http://monsterguide.net/how-to-calm-a-cat-in-heat

Sara said...

My eyes just popped out of my head with the q-tip suggestion. You will have to confess if you do that. ;)

Like many people have mentioned there are cheap spay/neuter programs. Shelters, feral cat rescues, vets...etc. Start calling around and asking. We have several different programs one is a voucher for cat spay at certain vets and it'll run about $35. Feral cat rescues in the area have agreements with some vets to get free spay and neuters.

I got Puppy spayed for $110 ($60 voucher and then $50 vet fee for meds). This was 50% off just by telling the animal shelter she was a run-away.

You entire post was hilarious and I loved it. Poor gay Lenny. I've got a gay cat but he doesn't hump. I had his penis removed when he was a baby, so basically he's a she-male. Try explaining that to my 3 and 5 yo's. :S

Melissa Leah said...

That is one quite interesting scenario that you have going on in your house. The more happy I am that I don't own any animals.

Good luck and God speed with this one!

Mom Taxi Julie said...

LOL I had a male cat that "loved" socks. He'd drag them all over the house.

MrsDixon said...

Oh my gosh! This is the greatest!!! I have never had cats, but your two sound like the BEST combo ever!!! You should video tape them!

Sunshine said...

My cat use to hump balls of yarn. Maybe cats have secret fetises for cotton?

Rebel Mel said...

HA! Cats humping blankets. Good thing my little jamesdean is ball-less.

I came here to find your twitter account and add you... YOU DON'T HAVE ONE!?