Thursday, April 22, 2010

Big Fucking Dogs + Indonesia Sucks

I am refusing to do a monologue today.

(Wait, does that count as a monologue? FUCK)

Anyways. So I'm working on my fitness and such, as we've heard a million times. I can't go to Curves until Tuesday because I work until 5 and I am currently cat sitting for my friend Lisa who is off in Mexico getting married. Because I am an awesome friend. So in the meantime I'm just going to do a lot of walking to still get something in every day.

Today I went on my walk and I want you to know that despite it being a fucking freezing 40 degrees and windy- I went. Granted I probably should have worn a thicker sweatshirt, mittens and a face mask, but whatevs. I got my exercise done and the fact that I've been inside for about 15 minutes now and still can't feel my cheeks, ears or thighs is only mildly annoying. What is really annoying are the dry heaves (puke threshold) and the intense leg pain.

Why are you dry heaving and having intense leg pain, Sara?

I'll tell you why.

BFD.

Big Fucking Dog chased me and chased me far. I was rocking so hard to Manchester Orchestra on my iPod really loud that I apparently, did not hear the barking. I turned a corner, saw a Big Fucking Dog following me.

(Sara Fun Fact: I am scared shitless of dogs that A) can maul me B) are big enough that their head is at my waist and I'm only 5'3 C) are running.)

So I text a friend, let him know I might be mauled. Apparently, none of my emergency contacts are picking up the phone, so let's hope someone in Alabama would help me out. Anyways. I realize I am approximately two miles from home and it's residential. I decided to start running. I figure eventually this dog's owner would show up since we have fucking leash laws. So I start running. After 3 blocks I realize this plan is stupid since BFD is still following me. I start zig zagging through yards. BFD right behind me, barking a lot.

Almost in tears, I start in a dead run. The kind of running you would do if you escaped from a serial killer holding you as a ritualistic hostage in the middle of the woods while dressed as Bea Arthur and torturing you with used, uncleaned vibrators.

I mean, if your nightmares are anything like mine, you know that is scary enough to warrant running. So I am running as fast as I can with a phone and an iPod in each hand. I basically thinking this dog is going to fucking maul me. When I get to be about three blocks from my house I figured I could just book it. And then it happened.

I tripped on a fucking pine cone.

BFD gets to me, barking, and I was SURE I was going to get bitten. But the dog? Just fucking licked my shoe and stuck his nose in my crotch, then left.

I RAN TWO MILES TO HAVE MY SHOE LICKED AND TO BE MOLESTED BY A BFD.

Needless to say, I feel disgusting and used. And now I'm going through the worst dry heaves and I can barely move my legs. I may die from running. Running sucks.

Anyways. My post today was going to be about Indonesia and how I hate their 6 year old factory workers. I have had so many things fall apart on me today, all made in Indonesia. First, my underwear broke during my run. They were white bikini cut panties, from Victoria Secret, and they fucking fell apart during running. I thought they felt weird all day, but whatevs. So they fall apart and during my run, I had to pull them out because it was preventing me from running. So sorry house on the corner of 54th and Ogden. The panties are mine and I promise they are clean.

But aside from my underwear, I had a pedometer with it's "Proudly Made in Indonesia" engraving on it- fucking fall apart. Like everything came apart in my hands. Then one of the remotes fell apart. Made in Indonesia. Then one of Jackson's toys, which runs on batteries, smelled like it was on fire and then when I took it apart everything snapped in half. I don't know what the hell happened there, but the label said it was made in Indonesia.

So my message to Indonesia: Hire at least 8 year olds. Fuck. I am so pissed off at you I feel like boxing all of this up and making you deal with it. I feel like billing you for not only my products but for stress as well. Are you not feeding the kids? Step it up to 4 crackers, cheap bastards.

Come back tomorrow when I do my first Domestic Bitch Friday.

Question for the evening: If you could make it happen with no strings attached, no guilt, and everybody agreed that it was ok....who would you sleep with (not including current spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend)?

25 comments:

Amber said...

Okay.....I am so glad you were not mauled and just molested by that BFD, but I had to laugh out loud at the tripping over a freaking pine cone. It sounded like a scene right out of Friday the 13th....

As far as your question goes.....famous? Emile Hirsch (I feel so old because he is like 22 or something and I am approaching 35)....not famous? Maybe a dude I work with...we have been friends for like 13 years, but I occasionally have those sex dreams about him.....go fucking figure.

Rebel Mel said...

Ha! This sounds like something that would happen to me, panties tossing and all.

Watch out for my domesticated friday tomorrow, I will have a cute little button for it!

Karls said...

You'd be scared of my precious, harmless, beautiful Billy then! Poor BFD probably thought you were playing a game... then was concerned when you fell arse over tit. At least you broke out in a run... perhaps that could be your newest form of exercise?

Child labour sucks major sphincter!

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

A 3some with Eric Northman and Damon Salvatore. Duh.

Oh, are we supposed to be naming real people? Um... no seriously, I can't get the damn vampires out of my head. They're too sexy!

Ann said...

I'm sorry, but I can't help laughing at the thought of your undies falling off. Bwhahahahaha!!!

Shanel said...

This post made me laugh out loud... girl you are in the wrong profession... you should be doing stand up comedy....and to answer you question... I would do it... but I don't have a name...I'm not into any celebrities at all.... but I would do it...)

Holy Hannah said...

Ha! I love your posts, but you already know that. The one thing that I know is that flattery will get you everywhere.

As far as who I would rock it with is James McAvoy. Ya know, the goat man from Narnia, the super hot guy from Becoming Jane and also that other movie with Angelina Jolie where they bend bullets but I can't remember the name. Yea, him....I could leave finger nail marks on his back.

Nils said...

Dear Sara,
Obviously BFD's will have to be outlawed when that whole world domination thing kicks in. Maybe you should send them all to Indonesia. Two birds with one stone, or at least all the birds in the same place.


How has no one answered your hypothetical question correctly yet? Obviously, a threesome with Neil Patrick Harris after one of his magic shows and Clive Owen after anytime invented. Duh.

Looking forward to tomorrow.

Natacha said...

Great post... made me laugh really loud! I would basically crap myself too, not because I am afraid of dogs, I love dogs, but a big barking dog chasing you is not cool.

Danielle said...

Toooo funny!!! I would have been freaking out!!!! Glad to hear you made it out alive!!! I would have been screaming like a fool all through the neighborhood so that SOMEONE would have heard me and come to my rescue! But hey I'm sure you burned plenty of extra calories to make it worth it! I'm curious to know how you were feeling this morning! Had to be sore as hell!!!! Sorry but the pine cone incident literally made me laugh out loud! :)

To answer your question .... I don't think I would do it, but in my dreams it would be T.I.

Sam said...

Oh man, I thought you were a goner when you said you tripped over a pine cone, I see you made the almost fatal mistake of not calling the DOG TRAINER in a situation when a DOG is chasing you. I could have saved you from a long run, silly girl. Glad your not dead, the headlines would be quite interesting, "Hometown housewife gets molested and eaten by big fucking dog", you may make national news. :)

SpiritPhoenix said...

I guess you could look at it like you got a really, REALLY good workout in. And you finally gave a reasonable explanation as to how random panties can be found on the side of the road.

Gini said...

Oops-- Angelina Jolie. I already have the okay.

I'm not allowed to sleep with other men. Which, incidentally, is okay with me.

Gini said...

1) I LOVE BEA ARTHUR, SHE WAS AMAZING

2) That said, your scenario sounded horrible and gross and I would fight for my LIFE and also run like the wind while kicking behind me a whole lot.

3) THAT DOG! That is fucking hilarious though. You are a raconteur.

4) Buy American. I'm not a nutjob, just prefer my money to go to quality and also hate that other countries employ children. Motherfuckers.

lynn said...

First of all, I feel your pain. I have a neighbor who is a single retired military woman and apparently she has a thing for big fucking dogs. I think she has 10 of the bastards. I have ran over one in my Sport Trak (on accident of course). They run free and stay in the middle of the damn road and follow me when I walk by. Hate those damn dogs. You shoulda called me I may be in Alabama but I would have got you some help;police, fire, dog catcher, neighbor with a video camera ;).
As far as your question I don't have to think too long and...oh my...HARD about that one, Alexander Skarsgard (with fangs out thank you). I've never desired to be with a woman but if I did it would be Angelina Jolie before the 10 kids. I like the slightly fucked up and insane.
Have a great weekend!
BEVERLY

Nikolett said...

Holy shit, I would be BAWLING if I was in your running shoes, lady ... I love dogs but also have a fear of huge ones since I got bitten by one but, I sighed with relief that you survived with a link.

As for who would I sleep with? Henry Cavill, no doubt in my mind.

Hope you have a great weekend and no more dogs chase after you!

Dani said...

I would be scared shitless if a BFD was running after me too...I'd be screaming andd crying like a baby. I can't believe he chased you all that way just to lick your shoe and sniff ya...wow!

Kate said...

Bahahaha! Sara, sweetie, was this "Big Fucking Dog" actually big? I have this vision of you being chased by a yapping pomeranian and it is making me laugh in public.

Write a stern letter to the country of Indonesia. Do it!

Chicken said...

What about a dog dressed as Bea Arthur? But it has to be singing a very slow version of the Golden Girls theme song "thank you for being a friend" First a dog bites your ass then this? It sounds like a case of dogs wanting to get in your pants. Mr. Chicken and I have the "list" and unless I ever come into the man whore Collin Ferrel himself then there will be no nookie except chicken nookie.

Morgan said...

I am so proud of you, Sara!! You ran! Yes, it fucking sucks. FYI, I hate it most of the time during - I am in pain and just want to stop. Cause it's hard. BUT what keeps me going is the feeling afterwards. It's AMAZING! And guess what, You're still alive!
I'm sorry you had to experience running in such a horrible way with that ass hat of a BFD that just wanted to give you some love and say hello. I am guessing you were running really fast. Something I cannot do - the only way to survive running is to take it at a pace that is slow enough that you don't feel like you're going to just stop working and fall apart all of a sudden.
Please please please don't give up on running! Next time you get on the fuckmill, do me a favor and jog (about 4.5 mph) for 6o seconds. Maybe even twice with a 90 second break. Do this more often and for longer periods gradually and I promise you that you will NOT regret it!
P.S. be happy for the 40 degrees - try it in 90 degrees, now that is horrible. Prepare to hear about my experiences of 5 a.m. runs.... Bleh!

Anonymous said...

the worst thing you can do is run from a dog - they're programmed to chase you.

FinnyKnits said...

Wow. So, wow.

For some reason the thing that sticks in mind the most is that your underwear disintegrated and had to be pulled free from your pants so that you could continue fleeing from the dog.

I feel justified in my decision to not wear underwear when I run now, so thank you.

Also, maybe you carry pepper spray when you walk?

Karls said...

Oh and I'd totally root Josh Homme and Dave Grohl at the same time... one would cancel the other out and I'd be home scott free! My celebrity pass is Paul Rudd. Booyah!

Tina said...

Well, at least you got a workout in. I wonder if anyone saw this unfold?

And for the question: I also have a thing for Paul Rudd, but Ewan McGregor. So it'd be whichever one is easiest to get into contact with.

____j said...

I'm sorry that you had to go through that, but I honestly couldn't help but laugh. GAH! Someone should have recorded it.