So I go there. Thankfully, Aaron wasn't selling porno even though his title "Confessions of a Massively Overweight Prostitute" kind of scared me. I can't even lie about this. And then I thought (as page was loading) maybe he's offering me a job. Except I'm not massively overweight, so I don't know if I'd meet the needs of his clientele. But then I wonder who that clientele might be and then I felt like throwing up my breakfast.
Anyways. He did a bang up job on the article, which I, as your lambwhore and goatslut leader, am telling you to check out. HERE. And Aaron- I live in Wisconsin but like 5 minutes from Minnesota, and even though you don't like chicks I'm glad you like me. You might not meet me, but I might actually be blogging in the bushes near your house. But the fact you think I'm on par with Chelsea Handler? King of the Goat Sluts. I swear to you that if I had like a crown with goats and stuff...I'd give it to you. Or put it in your driveway. Whatever. And he ends by calling me a neglected housewife which I think is a fabulous description which is a great tie in to...
(drum roll, bitches)
My book review of Sascha Rothchild's How To Get Divorced By 30: My Misguided Attempt at a Starter Marriage. Now, I need to tell you the reason I bought the book. So about two weeks before my whiner post I was at Barnes and Noble. I'm walking through with Matt and the kids and BAM! This book literally falls at my feet. So obviously because I'm fantastic citizen, I go to pick it up and see the cover.
I'm pretty sure it sang to me. Not only is the cover the fucking hotness as far as looks (because I judge books by covers. Sue me.) but the title? Is my life. I obviously took a picture on my phone and sent it to a few people who all thought I was crazy. So I didn't buy it.
Fast forward to a week ago and while I'm moping around being all pissed off and wanting to spend money on shit I don't need, I thought of the book. So I drove 20 minutes to Barnes and Noble and bought the book. And a Member Rewards card thingie. Whatevers- the cashier was hot and I'm pretty sure I was hypnotized.
So I read this book in two nights flat and Sascha needs to be my marriage coach. The book is broken up into steps on how to get divorced. And it was funny because I related to every chapter.
STEP ONE: Jump from your horrible early-20s relationship right into a mid-20s relationship without learning or growing or pondering what you really want out of a mate — then marry that person. By your late 20s, you’ll realize you were merely over-correcting the first person’s flaws and that the one you married is just as wrong for you as the one you didn’t, but in very different ways.
Not only is this step relevant to just my marriage but it's basically describing all three relationships I've had. Another line in the book that struck a chord was "But although fading fervor is normal, there also has to be a little jealously, a little insecurity, and a little possessiveness." And I agree. Totally. I know really, Matt thinks he can't do any better than me, which may or may not be true, so he wouldn't leave. He'd rather settle and be unhappy forever. Now me on the other hand am the opposite. I may never get married again, but by fucking god I have to think it's possible for me to be in a relationship with someone and not dread coming home. I'm not a jealous person but back in the day- if Matt was eyeing up a chick I'd immediately compare myself. Now I'm secretly begging he'd just cheat so I'd have an excuse out and not look like an asshole. I try very hard to have a social life now because I realized that by not having one from age 19-27 I was killing myself. I missed EVERYTHING that 20 something assholes do. I'm not saying I want to be puking and on the verge of death in the bathroom of a seedy bar and wondering where my underwear went. I just would have liked the opportunity. But now when I go out- if Matt is every jealous I have no idea. I have no idea if he feels anything ever because I don't hear about it. I sometimes feel like I have a better emotional relationship with my gay cat than I do my husband.
In all there are 30 steps and each one is funnier and funnier, but more sad. But it's only sad if you are in say, a happy marriage. Or are a newlywed. But if you have hit the 5 year mark in your marriage and wake up 5 out of 7 days hoping that your spouse has moved their stuff out while you were sleeping and left an optional note- you might enjoy this book. If you plan events and kind of hope your spouse backs out so you can bring a kick ass friend and pretend to be hot and single, this book is for you. If you already have at least one marriage under the table by age 30 you will love this book. If you are a guy who never wants to get married you should read this book to know where and when you should start fucking up.