Thursday, April 15, 2010

I may always be right, but I'm not always perfect. Alert the press.

Before I get into my post, I want to post a super duper quick (because I almost pissed myself with joy this morning) weight loss update. Yes, I'm still trying to lose weight and even though I felt like I hit a wall and gained a few pounds back, I realized it was muscle I gained but more on that later (like maybe this weekend. Ugh. We'll see)

The biggest news EV-AH?! My size 16 pants?? Way too fucking big for me. I want it noted that when I bought these bitches in November for $85 (on sale even), I bought them off the fat girl rack in Maurices and they were snug.

Now? Too fucking big. Fall right off my bubble ass! So for the interweb perverts- take a peek down my too huge for me pants!
You can almost see my thighs! Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen could be in my pants with me! It's very exciting up in here. EXCEPT for the fact that I only own 3 pairs of jeans and now I'm down to 2. Leaving me with one pair that are not my "super slob but favorite barely staying together by threads" jeans. So eventually, we'll need to fix this.

Anyways. So this week, and really for the last 2 1/2 years, I have been doing some pretty big time self discovery. I have always had a good handle on who I was and what I wanted out of life but in the last few years that has kind of spiraled out of my control and it leaves me wondering what the fuck am I doing?

I'm confused. Growing up I had always wanted to be married (young), have kids (young), have a career and a house. Be a grown up. And I have done all of these things. Is everything perfect? I thought it was but Matt proved to me that it wasn't. Am I satisfied with where I am? No. I don't think I am.

I like my job most days. I really love what I do, I believe in the mission of the program and I adore the people I work with (not just fellow staff but volunteers too). Some days I'm so stressed out and I want to leave and never come back. But then other days I realize I miss it and I miss the familiarity of it and I think, I could work here for a long time and be ok with that.
I adore my kids. I mean they are the most fun, most hilarious, most lovable part of my day. No matter how bad I feel inside they always cheer me up. At least until they go to bed and then sometimes I get sad again.

I will be married six years this June. Matt and I have been together for eight total and it wasn't always the way it is now. Some days I feel fine and others I feel trapped. Some days it's not so bad but then I look back and those are the days I don't really see him. Some days I'm so angry that I feel like crying and throwing things, including the towel on this marriage, and those are hard. Because I can't do any of these things- no matter what I'm a mommy first, wife second. For some people it's the other way around but it just isn't for me. I know that at the end of the day, I can't re-do what I do with my kids. I can re-do my relationship and even if it means it won't work out- I'm ok. I don't need to be in a relationship. I would like to, but my number one priority are my kids. They need me.

But I realize why Matt does the things he does. Why he's done some pretty bad things, why he's lied repeatedly about things, why he is the way he is at least to an extent. I do believe he knows why he does the bizarre, unbelieveable things he does but he won't tell me. I believe he has serious issues that I can't begin to deal with and I certainly did not sign up for it. I suppose I would feel differently had he been upfront with me in the first two years of our relationship, but he wasn't. He deliberately lied and hid things for me. I was duped. And now I'm trapped.

I know that I'm not easy. I am organized to such an extent that it can drive people around me nuts. I suck at delegating things- I'd rather do it all myself and hammer myself into the ground with exhaustion than let go of things or give some of the load to someone else. I like things done my way because I'm so Type A that I could be a scientific study. I'm sarcastic and I'm not always nice. I am the hardest critic of myself and I don't always believe people when they say nice things to me. I've grown up, not necessarily criticized, but I was never gushed over. I never heard the "you're so pretty/smart/funny/talented/etc" from anybody. I can count on one hand how many times I remember being told that I meant something to somebody and not just because we were friends/related. When I hear it, I won't always believe you.

I have never had trust issues with anyone until about two years ago when everything that I knew imploded. Now it is all I can do to not drive by his work to make sure he's there.

I suffer from depression and anxiety but choose not to medicate for them. I'd rather feel horrible than nothing at all. I'm shy when meeting new people. Once upon a time I used to be able to go into a room and make 10 friends right off the bat but now the thought of getting to the room is scary for me. Ironically, I would still call myself social because I do look forward to going to new places, meeting new people and having new experiences. Some days I just don't know where I'm at or what I want to do.

I have no vocal filter. If I don't like you or what you said- you will often know it. I make jokes and people don't always know I'm joking. But that will flip on me when I am sincere, people don't always think I am. I don't always think about what I say and I'm very opinionated. I treat people fairly and I don't like discrimination.

I would give the shirt off my back for you, I would do anything anyone asked me because I want to be accepted. I want a friend. I want a lover who loves me, who cherishes me, who gets excited just to see me at the end of the day. I am a good person and I like to help anywhere I can. I get satisfaction from doing things for people whether it's donating time or money to a cause I believe in, or buying/making things for my friends because it reminds me of them. Sometimes, people don't know how to take that, but I'm just being nice. I thought of you, you mean something to me, so here you go. I expect nothing in return. I just like knowing I maybe made your day a little bit more awesome.
I can be bossy and moody, I can also be fun and lovable. I like to laugh and sometimes I just want to cry. Some days I want to be near people and other days I would prefer to be alone and hang out by myself. I don't like being questioned but I like to talk. In fact sometimes I talk too much. I smile a lot and will start laughing hysterically for absolutely no reason. I'm scared of bugs, dogs, the dark, and getting lost. I can't read a map or a tape measure.

I am not an easy person to be in love with. I am not an easy person to live with. But if, at the very end of the day, that person is still there that must mean something. Either they really love me and want it to work or they feel like I do. Trapped and unsure.

I know that Matt loves me. I know this because he does. I know I love him. But I don't think we love each other in the way that makes marriages last. I love him because he gave me the two best things in the whole wide world. No matter what happens- I will always be forever grateful he gave me my babies. And I know in my heart staying together for them isn't the right thing to do and eventually it could be detrimental. I also that no matter what I decide I will feel like a horrible failure. If we separate I will have failed in my vows to love and honor forever, sickness and health, and all that stuff. If I stay I will always wonder if I was meant for something else. I can't stay just because I know it would crush him. It would be heartbreaking for him and I would feel terrible for breaking his heart. And on the flip side I think well, he already broke mine. It's only fair I suppose. But I hate feeling like that and I hate thinking it.

I'm also a very wishy washy person. I have a hard time making a decision. I have a hard time of letting things go, whether they are good or bad. The most memorable compliment I have ever received was when someone told me I had a "really contagious, wonderful, most uplifting laugh ever. Don't lose that." I feel like I've lost it. I don't feel like the super upbeat, hilarious, spontaneous, fun, silly, always happy and smiling Sara.

I am confused by the people around me. Two years ago everyone told me to leave and I lost some friends because I didn't. I was pregnant and scared- so I stayed. Now? People think I'm giving up. I have never understood what anyone's expectations for me were and now I'm more confused than ever. I would be lying if I said that I never wished I could just act on the attractions I feel towards other people.

Is it a quarter life crisis? Is it a marriage that isn't going to last? Does it get better?

What do I do? I know only I can answer it but it's times like this where I just knew the answer. Like a "choose your ending" book and I could just see what would happen depending on my choice.

I do know that I'm scared. I know that I want to be in love. I want to be happy. I just don't know how to do it.

21 comments:

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

We definitely need to get together. For, like, a weekend. And have marriage talks. Because I have a feeling we'd both get a lot of shit off our backs. If I'm reading this post like I think I am.

Oh, and by the way, I think you're beautiful Sara. And I'm so not just saying that because I'm sucking up to you and want you to come rearrange my apartment (although if you DID that'd be cool). But seriously. You are. So there.

Anyway. That is all. Big internet hugs to you. I'm here if you need me.

Holy Hannah said...

Oh honey, if you and I could sit and have drinks sometime...the stories we could tell and people we could piss off. I feel as you and I are cut from the same cloth. I also suffer from depression, anxiety, addiction and OCD. Many times I have wanted to run myself off the road but didn't because I made two of the greatest people I know. I also am in self discovery mode and not by squatting on top of a mirror. I am not sure if you are familiar but I say "namaste" to you my dear. ~ Stephanie

Miranda said...

Oh love... First of all I'm sorry to hear that you feel this way and wish things would just fall into place and be accompanied by nothing but inner peace and happiness.

Now, I don't have children in the mix and no two situations are the same so please don't think I'm comparing two unlike situations... But at one time or another I've experienced many of the things and feelings you describe so perfectly that it makes me sick.

I wish I had it figured out so I could hand you the guidebook for life because as hard as it might be for you to accept, I think you're a pretty awesome chick. But no one has that handy dandy notebook so I'll tell you what I DO know and hopefully it will ring in your ear when you need it most:

1) you really do get one life which is a huge concept to wrap your head around but the sooner we do the better. And when we finally have our DUH moment we have to promise ourselves we won't regret the mistakes we made before we 'got it'

2) just because we've got one life doesn't mean we only get one chance to get it right. It's never too late to press STOP, get our shit in order, then press play again

3) the hardest thing of all is to accept we really are the only ones who can make ourselves happy and as imperfect of a design as it may feel like we really can't control the actions of others so sometimes you have to say 'fuck em' even when you love them dearly

4) broken hearts and broken people DO heal. It's a shitty long process survived only with supportive friends, light switched turned off, closed curtains, Kleenex and some crying induced migraine/throwing up. But it passes and empowers you.

5) we only succeed at our dreams to the degree that we try which means even if you're kicking ass and taking names in most areas but have someone/ something holding you back on others - you better get strong, even if it's fake and tell it bye

Hope this helps some :) Hang in there!

Rebel Mel said...

Some times the world doesn't make sense to us, and we get incredibly overwhelmed. I don't know the whole story, but it sounds like a headache. If you ever need to talk, you know I'm just a hop skip and an email away.

Sam said...

I just want to start off by saying I think your beautiful, creative, and funny, sometimes to the point of tears. Im sorry to hear your going through some bad times my dear. I don't quite know what your talking about sometimes because I have never been married/pregnant and I don't know a lot of your story, but the parts I do know of it tell me your an amazing person and you can make it through this. I second who ever up there ^^^ said that you only get one life, but numerous chances to get it right. I think that whatever you choose will be the best decision and you will know its right when it happens. And im sure in the long run everything will work out for the best. Ill always be here if you need to talk, and send you cd's that I think rock but probably really suck. ;)
Also, congratulations on losing weight! I love shopping sprees. I think we should take off work and go shopping at the Mall of America! (Win the lotto first though) And get you oodles of jeans and me, well, anything I can spend money on i'll buy. :)

jprp said...

wow, i'm pretty sure you just like read my mind and copied it all into your blog! you KNOW i know how you feel, and i understand the struggles youre going through. I wish i had the magic words to make it all feel better, but i dont :( I wish i had the answers and could tell you the right thing to do, but i dont :( instead, i'm just here, as your real life friend, i'm here to vent to, as a shoulder to cry on, as someone to make you laugh and realise that youre awesome. Everyday you amaze me with your awesomeness Sara, EVERYDAY, i'm thankful that i found you here in bloggy land, i really believe that we are kindred spirits. and time you need me, i'm here xx

Blue Disastrous said...

I have been thinking for a bit over two hours, and I still don't know of anything acceptable to say. Apologising is more of a universal saying. Offering to help would be wrong in several senses. Giving advice has been done (and wonderfully), but that would be wrong anyway.
What I can do is state facts.
You know yourself. You know your thoughts. You know what is wrong, what is right, what needs to be fixed, what needs work, and what you are unsure of.
You, also, are fabulous. You are talented in blogging (or venting, whichever you feel the need), scrapbooking and card-making, and being a young, fun mother. And no matter how long (or not) it takes, you are losing weight. And that is totally awesome.
Today's--oh, I guess yesterday's, now--blog has really made me think, because actually, we really are alike, only a bit over ten years apart. So I am also evaluating my life. Influential, much?
I really wish you luck on working everything out, whether you make a big change and have to rebuild parts of your life to make up the difference, or you start to make harsh improvements over time. It won't be easy, of course, but it would be worse to never be happy.
If you are ever in need of some fleece-y love, you know how to reach me. :3

Shanel said...

This post... this post made me cry .... I feel sad for you because I have felt the way that you feel about yourself... and situations so many times in my life... I can't stand to know that others hurt the way that I hurt... I wish that we knew each other... there are so many great people in the blog universe... people I would like to know... you seem like a cool person, very real, very funny... and maybe a little too hard on yourself but I suffer with that as well.... the decisions that you make won't be easy but do what will ultimately make you happy in the end... you only have one life... we don't get a second chance at this thing.... you are beautiful... you are smart... and you are genuine.... I love your blog for all of those reasons... you make me laugh and not many people do that....

Another David said...

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?" - Hillel

Amber said...

Like all that was stated before, I know where you are coming from because I have been there. I posted that post on my blog about me and Joshua which was prompted by your post about the letter you would write to your younger self; so you know from that post that Joshua and I have not always been so blussfully in love.

I am not sure what transpired between you and Matt that brought on this waive of distrust, but I can imagine the worst scenerio and know that without counceling you may never get very far. I am not saying that it is the end all be asll of solutions, but it sure as hell worked for me.

You see, I suffer from bipolar manic depression II, have a terrible case of OCD and have an alcoholic husband. Yeah, not a mix of great there. Through counceling, I managed my depression and helped him kick drinking. It took a long time, it was hard work, but it was worth it.

I want to tell you I think you are wonderful. Even though we have never met before, I can tell you are giving and have a loving spririt (despite the bitchiness we both have - ha). When I have felt down and out, you have said with a few simple lines things that have made me feel better. When I was "blue" last week, you posted a post and referred to people suffering from the "blues" and gave a blogger award to them. Even if that was not directed at me, I felt it was and it made me feel better. When I posted yesterday on my blog the tragic circumstances I am going through right now, YOU were the first one to comment and make me feel justified in my feelings. That is a beautiful thing, and it is an appreciated thing. So therefore, it makes you kind,understanding and beautiful....and hell...i don't have to say funny because, girl, you are funny as fuck!!

Thanks again for everything Sara, and I sending you some big positive vibes through the net....

Gini said...

Oh Sara. This is such a hard decision to navigate. I'm glad you have really great blogger friends like the ones above to give you thoughtful and meaningful advice. Can you see now how appreciated you are?

As for you and Matt. I hope you continue to work on things together and to see your therapist, not only for your children, but for yourselves. For a long time, you made each other feel fulfilled and whole, long enough to know in your hearts that it could last a lifetime. There are reasons why we choose the mates we do, and those reasons are surely still there for you both? It wasn't until recently that I personally understood that marriage isn't necessarily easy, and that often you will have to do a goodly amount of maintenance. It SUCKS that he lied to you and that you feel duped (and I believe being misled is grounds for annulment, btw-- it constitutes fraud). I agree that under no circumstances should you lie to the person you love about the things you told me. But, there had to have been reasons for those lies. He must have certainly been afraid you would leave a weirdo like him. And he made big, fat, idiotic mistakes. I'm not telling you to forgive at this moment, but I am hoping you'll keep trying. Because you deserve a love that is really satisfying and brings you happiness-- and Matt used to be that love.

Jenn said...

Congrats on losing the all that weight! I know how much you LOVE the treadmill (I mean...you gave it a pet name!) and it is awesome to see that work pay off.

I'm going to follow Another David's lead and just post a quote. In the immortal words of Chelsea Handler "My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for."

Chicken said...

Wow with all the great comments I feel like I am late for the party. Your friends should always stand beside you in whatever you decide because at the end of the day its your life not theirs. I think it proves that you're a great person for sticking it out this long. As I've told you before and I'll tell you again, I think that the best mommy that you can be will only be acheived when you're a happy mommy. Do what makes you happy.No matter what you decide it might be hard, but all the hard work is worth it to be happy.

Morgan said...

I have been thinking to myself while reading all of your posts for the past couple months about how I wish that you and I had been friends in high school. That we have so much in common. The stuff that is in personality types. Like we would just click because there is stuff that people like us just know and understand and if other people don't then it's their problem.

This post solidified this theory to me. So much it made me cry a little. In describing yourself and your innermost outlook on the day to day I saw even more of myself in your words and really wished we lived in the same town. It's so fucking hard to find girls that are tolerable, let alone so cool.

I receive a daily email called Daily Love (look it up, it's amazing) and today it gave this affirmation.

"Today, I walk with Trust that EVERYTHING I experience has been placed on my path to teach me. Life is on my side!"

We all have made choices in our lives that we most often question once they are made. What is important is recognizing where it has brought us and what we want to do with the result.

It sounds to me that you are pretty damn close to that epiphany your searching for. Listen to your heart and read the signs. Only YOU know what is best for you and I think it is clear that you have a lot of people here that back you up 100%.

Let me know if you need a break and wanna come to the Oasis for a weekend. I have a guest room. Bring the kiddos, too - we have a pool!

Anonymous said...

Before you can really & truly be in a marriage you need to know who you are. You need to (first & foremost) have profound respect for your husband and if you don't you need to ask yourself if you can change your way of thinking and ultimately respect him. If you can't then it might be time to leave him. The best way to figure out what you want from a marriage is to sit down and have a very real conversation with him - be willing to put your feelings out on the table and also listen to his. (Again, that respect thing)

All marriages have ups & downs. All people struggle with self-doubt and a lack of self-worth, but the bottom line is that if you're looking for someone or something else to fill holes in your heart it will never happen. It's really, really hard to take a long and honest look at your life, but when your children see you do just that they'll be better for it - and so will you.

Good luck!

Danielle said...

Wow Sara. I have so many things to say!

1. I enjoyed this post - as weird as it sounds. You're human after all! I mean honestly I was reading your blog over the past few months since I came upon your posts on 20sb and I always felt like you were superwoman! I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's the truth! As a young mom I look up to you, because girl you got it together! Everyone is damaged one way or another in their life, the trick is how do you get through it? Stay positive through out! Don't let it make you jaded or change you as a person!

2. Congratulations on your big ass pants! That's fuckin awesome! Something really positive you should totally ride that wave as long as you can! That is such a great accomplishment!

3. I totally get what you mean about balancing the relationship between your husband and kids. I understand how you put the kids first, because I do the same thing. I'm not sure what advice to give on the subject because I haven't really mastered that task yet! But if I do, I'll let you know! If you do - let me know!

If you ever need to talk, or vent or whatever you got my e-mail! Use it! But just know that I? Think you're awesome! I look forward to reading your blogs EVERYDAY! Literally I check all day long - yeah I know ... pathetic! :) xoxo

Mom Taxi Julie said...

I could have written most of this myself. We've been married almost 17 years and I'm always telling myself that if things don't get better by __ date I'm done. Of course it never happens. I think I'm stuck on the fact that he doesn't DO anything to make me make him leave. He goes to work, deposits his paycheck and comes home everyday. Granted that's about ALL there is to it, hardly any sex, talking, help around the house and with the kids. Sometimes I just wish he'd just have an affair or something so I'd have an excuse. Pretty sad isn't it?

Ann said...

Sara, I won't offer you any advice. I will say this: You. Are. AWESOME. Your blog makes me laugh out loud....literally. We have lots in common, and I bet we'd get in lots of trouble together if we met in real life. :P

Please know I'm willing to listen if you need to bitch about anything. Email me or catch me on FB anytime.

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

Sara. Hunny Bunny BFF dildo exchange queen. You are the best. And I sincerely hope you know this. I don't know you well, but I can say that I admire you for how true to yourself you seem. And it makes me sad that you question yourself because I think if you take a long hard deep look inside, you know what is best for you and your family.

I think you are fab, love. I truly look forward to reading what you have to say. And I hope THAT brings a smile to your pretty face.

DrBrainspiller said...

I would write you a huuuuuuge comment here right now but it's 5.30am where I am and I have work tomorrow. I'm going to blog about this and mirror it on my own experiences if you don't mind? I'll do it tomorrow after work if you're cool with it. Let me know. Chin up chick. Lots of love as always. The 'spiller. x

Sara said...

Congrats on your weight loss! Highlight of my day is seeing your thighs today. :D As for the rest, I love how well you described yourself. I will be thinking about you and know you will make the best decision. The only point I shook my head at was when you said you are a mom first and a wife second. It's life experiences that puts us on two sides of that statement. Either way, life is life and I know you will keep trucking and loving those babies. Cause you are AWESOME. :)