Before I get into my post, I want to post a super duper quick (because I almost pissed myself with joy this morning) weight loss update. Yes, I'm still trying to lose weight and even though I felt like I hit a wall and gained a few pounds back, I realized it was muscle I gained but more on that later (like maybe this weekend. Ugh. We'll see)
The biggest news EV-AH?! My size 16 pants?? Way too fucking big for me. I want it noted that when I bought these bitches in November for $85 (on sale even), I bought them off the fat girl rack in Maurices and they were snug.
Now? Too fucking big. Fall right off my bubble ass! So for the interweb perverts- take a peek down my too huge for me pants!
You can almost see my thighs! Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen could be in my pants with me! It's very exciting up in here. EXCEPT for the fact that I only own 3 pairs of jeans and now I'm down to 2. Leaving me with one pair that are not my "super slob but favorite barely staying together by threads" jeans. So eventually, we'll need to fix this.
Anyways. So this week, and really for the last 2 1/2 years, I have been doing some pretty big time self discovery. I have always had a good handle on who I was and what I wanted out of life but in the last few years that has kind of spiraled out of my control and it leaves me wondering what the fuck am I doing?
I'm confused. Growing up I had always wanted to be married (young), have kids (young), have a career and a house. Be a grown up. And I have done all of these things. Is everything perfect? I thought it was but Matt proved to me that it wasn't. Am I satisfied with where I am? No. I don't think I am.
I like my job most days. I really love what I do, I believe in the mission of the program and I adore the people I work with (not just fellow staff but volunteers too). Some days I'm so stressed out and I want to leave and never come back. But then other days I realize I miss it and I miss the familiarity of it and I think, I could work here for a long time and be ok with that.
I adore my kids. I mean they are the most fun, most hilarious, most lovable part of my day. No matter how bad I feel inside they always cheer me up. At least until they go to bed and then sometimes I get sad again.
I will be married six years this June. Matt and I have been together for eight total and it wasn't always the way it is now. Some days I feel fine and others I feel trapped. Some days it's not so bad but then I look back and those are the days I don't really see him. Some days I'm so angry that I feel like crying and throwing things, including the towel on this marriage, and those are hard. Because I can't do any of these things- no matter what I'm a mommy first, wife second. For some people it's the other way around but it just isn't for me. I know that at the end of the day, I can't re-do what I do with my kids. I can re-do my relationship and even if it means it won't work out- I'm ok. I don't need to be in a relationship. I would like to, but my number one priority are my kids. They need me.
But I realize why Matt does the things he does. Why he's done some pretty bad things, why he's lied repeatedly about things, why he is the way he is at least to an extent. I do believe he knows why he does the bizarre, unbelieveable things he does but he won't tell me. I believe he has serious issues that I can't begin to deal with and I certainly did not sign up for it. I suppose I would feel differently had he been upfront with me in the first two years of our relationship, but he wasn't. He deliberately lied and hid things for me. I was duped. And now I'm trapped.
I know that I'm not easy. I am organized to such an extent that it can drive people around me nuts. I suck at delegating things- I'd rather do it all myself and hammer myself into the ground with exhaustion than let go of things or give some of the load to someone else. I like things done my way because I'm so Type A that I could be a scientific study. I'm sarcastic and I'm not always nice. I am the hardest critic of myself and I don't always believe people when they say nice things to me. I've grown up, not necessarily criticized, but I was never gushed over. I never heard the "you're so pretty/smart/funny/talented/etc" from anybody. I can count on one hand how many times I remember being told that I meant something to somebody and not just because we were friends/related. When I hear it, I won't always believe you.
I have never had trust issues with anyone until about two years ago when everything that I knew imploded. Now it is all I can do to not drive by his work to make sure he's there.
I suffer from depression and anxiety but choose not to medicate for them. I'd rather feel horrible than nothing at all. I'm shy when meeting new people. Once upon a time I used to be able to go into a room and make 10 friends right off the bat but now the thought of getting to the room is scary for me. Ironically, I would still call myself social because I do look forward to going to new places, meeting new people and having new experiences. Some days I just don't know where I'm at or what I want to do.
I have no vocal filter. If I don't like you or what you said- you will often know it. I make jokes and people don't always know I'm joking. But that will flip on me when I am sincere, people don't always think I am. I don't always think about what I say and I'm very opinionated. I treat people fairly and I don't like discrimination.
I would give the shirt off my back for you, I would do anything anyone asked me because I want to be accepted. I want a friend. I want a lover who loves me, who cherishes me, who gets excited just to see me at the end of the day. I am a good person and I like to help anywhere I can. I get satisfaction from doing things for people whether it's donating time or money to a cause I believe in, or buying/making things for my friends because it reminds me of them. Sometimes, people don't know how to take that, but I'm just being nice. I thought of you, you mean something to me, so here you go. I expect nothing in return. I just like knowing I maybe made your day a little bit more awesome.
I can be bossy and moody, I can also be fun and lovable. I like to laugh and sometimes I just want to cry. Some days I want to be near people and other days I would prefer to be alone and hang out by myself. I don't like being questioned but I like to talk. In fact sometimes I talk too much. I smile a lot and will start laughing hysterically for absolutely no reason. I'm scared of bugs, dogs, the dark, and getting lost. I can't read a map or a tape measure.
I am not an easy person to be in love with. I am not an easy person to live with. But if, at the very end of the day, that person is still there that must mean something. Either they really love me and want it to work or they feel like I do. Trapped and unsure.
I know that Matt loves me. I know this because he does. I know I love him. But I don't think we love each other in the way that makes marriages last. I love him because he gave me the two best things in the whole wide world. No matter what happens- I will always be forever grateful he gave me my babies. And I know in my heart staying together for them isn't the right thing to do and eventually it could be detrimental. I also that no matter what I decide I will feel like a horrible failure. If we separate I will have failed in my vows to love and honor forever, sickness and health, and all that stuff. If I stay I will always wonder if I was meant for something else. I can't stay just because I know it would crush him. It would be heartbreaking for him and I would feel terrible for breaking his heart. And on the flip side I think well, he already broke mine. It's only fair I suppose. But I hate feeling like that and I hate thinking it.
I'm also a very wishy washy person. I have a hard time making a decision. I have a hard time of letting things go, whether they are good or bad. The most memorable compliment I have ever received was when someone told me I had a "really contagious, wonderful, most uplifting laugh ever. Don't lose that." I feel like I've lost it. I don't feel like the super upbeat, hilarious, spontaneous, fun, silly, always happy and smiling Sara.
I am confused by the people around me. Two years ago everyone told me to leave and I lost some friends because I didn't. I was pregnant and scared- so I stayed. Now? People think I'm giving up. I have never understood what anyone's expectations for me were and now I'm more confused than ever. I would be lying if I said that I never wished I could just act on the attractions I feel towards other people.
Is it a quarter life crisis? Is it a marriage that isn't going to last? Does it get better?
What do I do? I know only I can answer it but it's times like this where I just knew the answer. Like a "choose your ending" book and I could just see what would happen depending on my choice.
I do know that I'm scared. I know that I want to be in love. I want to be happy. I just don't know how to do it.