Thursday, April 29, 2010

I'm always right, not always perfect, have a compulsion and now...an addiction!

Yes lamb whores and goat sluts- it needs to be know that I? Have an addiction.


This particular addiction has had me in it's grips for as long as I can remember. My earliest memories of this are around age 5 and my habits even then are frightening to think about it. I tell myself I can quit if I want to but I can't. Maybe it was my childhood. Maybe I was meant to be diabetic. Maybe it was the moonlight. I don't know. But what I know is that my addiction is serious, its expensive and its not healthy.


Folks. I'm addicted to Pepsi.


I know- you're probably expecting crack, heroin, aerosol cans, meth, glue, something other than Pepsi. But folks? That blue and red can has NEVER let me down.


When I was little, I lived in Florida. We lived in low income housing that were like side by side duplexes. My mom worked hard and she worked a lot of hours. My mom was cool and hip whereas our neighbors/friends were the epitome of barefoot southern kids with kool-aid moustaches. I mean- I rocked that too. But we just did it cooler. See? Here's me and brother, circa 1985 sometime. Summer. I'm rocking my pink flip flops and cleverly posing so you can't see my boobs. At age 3 I could work a camera and angles. Look at my sass. I was awesome even then.

While we didn't always have new toys, books, clothes, or legal cable, we always had soda. Always. My uncles, who were all super young and cool, would come over and hang out with us. Basically they took turns watching us when our mom worked. I remember she'd have cans of soda and sometimes the glass bottles in the fridge. There was a cup or bowl on top of the fridge and if you took a soda you had to chip in for the next case. Later on I learned that this come was my key to the snow cone from the ice cream truck but that was for later years.

I don't know when I had my first hit exactly, but I reckon it was around age 5 when my Uncle Steven would watch us on Saturdays. Saturdays were great because we'd get a Happy Meal and basically got to free for all because racing was on and you didn't fuck with racing. Which was cool. Since it's apparently easier to order a soda with a Happy Meal instead of the healthier choice of milk that I wouldn't drink anyways, that's what we got. It was fabulous. Except it was Coke.

When I figured out how to open a can of Pepsi on my own not only did I feel bad ass for not slicing my finger off like my mom said I would, but I discovered it was a million times better than Coke. But obviously my mom wasn't going to willingly let me have Pepsi. Except after my first taste? Addicted.

I would wake up from having one of those dreams where you think it's real and you reach out for something only to fall directly onto the floor thinking I was reaching for a Pepsi. So I would sneak out of bed, down the hall, into the kitchen, steal a Pepsi, walk back to my room and as quietly as I could crack that can open. I would then chug as much as I could before feeling like I was going to throw up and store the half full can under my bed. Every night. For a long time.

Eventually we got ants. My mother assumed it was my brother bringing in "pets" and whatnot until she went to clean the room we shared. And discovered my secret.

In the form of 50+ half full cans of sugar. With ants.

Oops.

Needless to say my mom finally figured out who the asshole was that wasn't chipping in for the soda AND where the ants were. Later on I would call this "multi tasking" but at the time my mom just called it "super pissed off". It was then she started counting the cans and I went through with drawls.

Fast forward to adulthood. I cannot function without a can a day. I'm down to a can a day and fuck all yall who think I should quit. Quitting is for pussies. When I was pregnant I was up to like 3 cans a day. Whatevs. Both of my kids are normal. And I don't drink coffee, energy drinks, etc. So I'm fine. I also don't drink milk or take in calcium so the fact that my bones haven't disintegrated is a miracle. I feel I'll be like Bob on that movie Monsters vs. Aliens. You know- the cute blue monster that's just a blob?? Yeah. That'll be me.

If I haven't had my Pepsi I cannot think about anything else other than the taste. The fizz on my tongue, the horrible I-feel-like-puking feeling if I hadn't eaten yet. But I don't like my Pepsi from a bottle. I like it in a glass, a can, or my preferred method is by fountain. Oh my. If I had a fountain machine in my house? I'd have to work from home. I think the only thing that kept me working at Dairy Queen and Culvers for so long was the fountain Pepsi. Asshole customers? Whatevs. I've got my Pepsi. Explosive shit in the bathroom to clean? Whatevs. I'm sipping my Pepsi. What? Your burger is fucked up? Fuck you. I'm drinking my Pepsi.

I have a lot of addictions but Pepsi is the one that I think is my longest running one. I will die with a Pepsi in my hand. By brain tumor.

OH- and the person who commented about how someone had a stroke by a sneeze?? Thanks. Because now I'm afraid to move my head.

15 comments:

Angela said...

For years my Mom has had an addiction to Pepsi. She would never be far from a glass of it, and there was always a bottle in our house. Just recently though, she switched it up to ice tea. I have no idea why, but to each her own, right?

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

Oh Sara. And here I thought we were destined to be best friends. And now... I'm so let down.

Because I am a Coke girl.

But I supposed I can let it slide... considering we still have Twilight and all =-)

Chicken said...

I remember my first hit of the Dr. the pepper taste hit my tongue and I spit it out onto our bar. I was 4 and we had just returned from a field trip with my sis to the Dr. Pepper factory. I wasn't expecting the fizz. mmmm sounds so good now. Maybe the have Pepsi rehab? If you could get a syringe would you just shoot it straight?

Holy Hannah said...

I am right with ya hon, I am just a Diet Coke girl. Don't matter if it is warm or cold. I used to be all about the Pepsi but as soon as I got preggo with my first boy he fucked up my taste buds. Peace out home slice!

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

you, my dear are CUTE AS A BUTTON in that picture.

And now I need to pour myself a Pepsi. Over crushed ice.

Pepsi addicts unite.

Danielle said...

Ha! This was hilarious and I freakin love it! I love love love iced tea and I drink it all the time! When I started my rant about losing weight someone told me pop/soda and juices were the worst you could add to your diet. HA! We're both losing weight just fine and we drink our drinks of preference! You go girl! Pepsi and all! :)

jprp said...

i'm with krysten here my love, Coke all the way! but then we had a girl on a news show the other night claiming that she was addicted to coke and has lost all her money, her friends, her job and her health, and let me tell you, if you saw her, you'd never drink coke again!

are you feeling better my little precious?

Rebel Mel said...

You should totally read my post about coke and pepsi... http://www.tweeded.com/2009/06/coke-or-pepsi-age-old-question.html

Deeps!! said...

Hey!! I'm a pepsi person too!! :D :D

Sam said...

Oh no...I definitely failed the Pepsi challenge about a year ago at school. You got a free wristband if you were able to identify the difference and they both tasted the same and I picked the Coke one. Shame. I have always like Pepsi, my favorite? Bowling alley Pepsi. It tastes different, almost like the 90 year old women who have no teeth and the worse smokers cough put a little extra LOVE in it. :)

Miranda said...

I had the same addiction with Captain Morgan. I at least waited unti I was 6 but you know, you do what you gotta do.

(Good God I'm kidding...)

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Sorry, but I have to say I am a Diet Coke girl. No offense. But I know the sweet lure of caffeine addiction all too well. I am just glad that now doctors say you can have so many milligrams no problem and no one is mad at me that I drink caffeine while pregnant. I mean, my dad SMOKED the whole time my mom was pregnant with me, and I turned out (somewhat) normal.

Also? NOT DRINKING MILK RULES. I have voluntarily had a glass of milk since kindergarten, and I think I have had less than 10 forced glasses since then. Milk is the devil grossness. I could rant forever about it. I love when I learn someone else does not drink milk. It makes me happy and vindicated. Keep it up. My bones rock and I have never broken one, so SO THERE milk industry.

Amber said...

Hello, my name is Amber, and I am a Pepsi-holic.

I sometimes wonder if A&E will do an Intervention show on a Pepsi addict....

....I wonder if it will be you or me!

1smallstep said...

Sorry Sara about the sneeze/stroke report. That was me. In fact I have your same condition. A headache is brain cancer, a backache is a spinal tumor, pain when pissing is bladder cancer. I have had it all... or at least thought I had it all. It's really not funny but when you put it in print it is soooo funny.In fact my husband has heard me jump to conclusions for the past 22 years now that when ever I complain about a hang nail on my big toe, he responds with, maybe you have big toe cancer ? I love him, he gets me. It's called health anxiety or as I like to call it... My life is like a bad Woody Allen movie. Chaotic and neurotic. In fact when I saw the news report I thought.. Oh Great something else for me to obsess about. No sudden movements for me, no spastic sneezing and especially no headboard banging wild sex. One must protect the head at all times :).

TerresaE said...

My grandma was a Pepsi addict too. She passed away last February and we put a can of Pepsi, a straw and her favorite glass in her coffin with her. It was also the last thing she had to drink. I'm usually a Diet Coke person myself, but I have to drink a Pepsi now and again in her memory.