Thursday, April 1, 2010

Random Sara and Book Review: ARE YOU THERE VODKA? IT'S ME, CHELSEA by Chelsea Handler

I'm going to be frank. I don't know really what I can say to force you to read this book. This book is a million shades of awesome. I love Chelsea Handler. Chelsea is me in a few years. I am pretty sure that had I not gotten married at 22 and had babies so early this would have been my future. And it would have been amazing. So I am basically going to give a really lame ass review interspersed with quotes from the book.

"...For a woman, being a redhead is a completely acceptable trait. Oftentimes it can be extremely attractive. Conversely, being a redheaded man is pretty much a lose-lose situation. It's incredibly hard to take redheaded men seriously, never mind think of them in any sort of sexual capacity. Obviously, it's not their f...ault that they were born with red hair. However, it is their responsbility to change that hair color once they have access to a convenience store or supermarket. It's one thing to have a harelip, or even a leg that's a couple of inches shorter than the other, but if you're a man with red hair and don't opt to do everything in your power to alter that, then obviously you're not serious about experiencing all life has to offer."

"Red got up and walked out of my bedroom toward the front door. Before he made it out I added one last thing: 'And you might want to think about trimming your bush!' Then I ran back into my room before he could say anything about my beaver.."

This book is hilarious for a lot of reasons other than the fact Chelsea wrote it. First off, she talks about her family's dysfunctional qualities so unabashedly and unapologetically that I only WISH I could do. I have a field of land minds in my family that I could write entire books about. And I'm not even going to touch my in-laws. But what I love about it is when she's interviewed and is blatantly asked how her family feels about this- she's honest when she says they don't care. And that's awesome. Because I'm a firm believer that if you can't make fun of your situation, and see the humor in it, there is something wrong with you. If you can't step back and make fun of yourself or those around you without worrying that you are damaging their self esteem to the point that they may kill themselves, there is something wrong with you. I will tell you if you suck. Sure, I might do it behind your back but if you ask me what my opinion of you is, please be ready for it. It might not be pretty.

Which is what has gone wrong with our society. You wonder why we have people so up in arms about hurting feelings, or being politically correct. Dammit. If you suck you need to know. If you are a rude ass son of a bitch, you need to know. If you are "woe is me" 99% of the time and are driving those around you into alcoholism just to cope with you, you need to know. But don't get it twisted- if you are an awesome person and you are doing kind and great and wonderful things for others, I will tell you that I think you are a million shades of super and I will tell others as well. Because frankly, I'm sick and tired of people being so god damn offended when somebody says something not so nice or points out a flaw of yours. Because guess what? You need to know.

"While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was six- to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach."

The other thing I love about Chelsea and her books is how she openly talks about sex. Now I have not had a ton of sexual partners, only 3 and I'm married to one of them, and so I when I read her books the first thing I think is "Son of a bitch. I just KNEW I should have whored it up." Because I think I'm missing a lot of experience that I really should have. I mean, I have had a lot of whacked out things happen to me with these three men and in my eleven years of sexual activity that I will tell you was NEVER covered in any sex ed, health class, or OB/GYN brochure. Considering I started reading Cosmopolitan a full year after I lost my virginity I was already way behind. And I'm really sorry- but their pictures? Their directions? Maybe I don't have a firm grasp of the English language but NONE of it makes sense to me. Anything super exciting I've ever done in bed has been complete accidents. That thank god I remember how to repeat. But Cosmo has failed me.

"Although I had developed a serious crush on our plumber that year, I wasn't sure that I was ready for penetration. I had seen my very first penis on a porno tape I stole from my brother, and was completely flabbergasted. While I had heard a lot about size and shape of the penis, no one had ever mentioned that there were going to be balls attached to it. Not to mention that there would be two of them, that they would be covered in hair, and that later in life, they would most likely end up smacking you in the face. I'm really glad I got the heads-up when I did, (a) because if I had found myself in bed with someone and see his two little friends headed toward me with no prior warning, I probably would have lodged a formal complaint with Internal Affairs, and (b) because it gave me plenty of time to shop for the perfect-size chin guard".

I also think that Chelsea gives a lot of pertinent, useful and applicable information to men as well in her books.

"...if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately starts text messaging her friends, you have a small penis."

I encourage you to check out any of her books. This is her second one, but she also has MY HORIZONTAL LIFE (which is hilarious and makes me angry that I've never had a one night stand) and she has a new one out called CHELSEA, CHELSEA- BANG, BANG which I have and am going to read after I finish up the book I'm on now.

9 comments:

xoxoKrysten said...

I totally forgot to mention that I watched Chelsea Lately the other night and I was laughing my ass off! I don't know why I didn't start watching her sooner! She's awesome!

AND I sometimes think I should have whored myself up too. I'm with you, 3 sexual partners, one of which I'm married to. Laaaaaame.

AND I was thinking we need to go see Eclipse when it comes out. Just sayin'.

smile steady said...

Hahaha... Chelsea is hilarious! Love her, but I haven't read the book. I'll definitely have to check it out!

____j said...

I absolutely ADORE Chelsea Handler. And, if I had the funds, I would totally buy all her books and read them in my spare time. [which I guess I will be able to do in the summer? I hope.] I'm excited to see that someone else loves her as much [or probably more] than me ;)

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

You know CCBB is her last book. She isn't writing anymore and it makes me sad.

You know I love her. The background pic on my phone is a screenshot of her loving me at the taping of CL.

Like pink puffy hearts flying from her eyeballs kind of love.

Shanel said...

I have both of her books... she is HILARIOUS..... I've watched her show a couple of times but it isn't nearly as funny.... after reading her books she definitely left me wanting more.

____j said...

p.s. surprise for you on my blog.

Sunshine said...

Now that someone has read the book and given it a good review, I won't feel bad for reading it, lol. I love Chelsea Handler!

Sam said...

I'm going to have to get this book now, the redhead excerpt sold me. :)There's this red headed guy at work that tries to flirt with me, its the hair that throws it off.

Blue Disastrous said...

Ah! You have totally convinced me to read her books. I've been vaguely curious, but now you have forced me to go to Barnes and Noble to pick them up. Thank you.
Also, I found myself questioning why I have been saying, "*Thing* is *adjective* shades of *noun*." "Shades of" being the key part. And then I started catching up on blog entries. Twas you!