Not a lot of people who know me, even in real life, know that I have struggled with depression for most of my life. For years I just thought that it was normal to feel sad and to go through phases where you don't care what happens to you or what's going on around you.
For years I knew that eventually, I'd get back to caring about stuff and all would be good.
I'm on month seven and I still have not gotten to the point where I care. I mean I care, but I don't really care. I am barely taking care of myself. I feel like things are slowly falling apart around me. I feel and think things that are so horrible and I know that if I told people the things that go through my head they'd gasp and say something isn't right.
You're right. It isn't right.
Today I was talking to my dad. Honestly- even though I don't get to talk to my dad much (he's my step dad and he is an over-the-road truck driver) he always seems to get what's going on. Maybe my mom tips him off, maybe he's just really good at reading my mind from far away, I don't know. But today he called and we talked for awhile. And out of nowhere the statement, "Some days I just wake up and I'm so angry I could just walk away. I'm angry for no reason. I just wake up that way. And it makes me hate Matt and sometimes I just don't want to be anywhere. I just want to be alone." He of course follows this with, "Well with your kids, too". And after a pause I say, "No. Alone. Sometimes I don't even want my kids with me."
And I know how horrible that sounds. Trust me, I get it. I love my kids more than anything. I love them so fiercely that I'd kill myself to save them. I'd give up anything of value to keep them safe and happy. In fact, I have sacrificed my own happiness for the last three years in a marriage that is quite possibly, falling apart despite my best efforts, all because I can't bear to see them cry. Or to hurt. Because they don't understand. They don't understand that it hurts me too.
After a little pause my dad says, "Sara. You know I love you like my own. You are my own. But dammit- this is not the way you need to live. You need help and no matter what you do, I am always behind you. But this is not healthy."
And he's right. He's always right. When everything went down with Matt a few years ago my dad was the only reasonable, calm person around me who told me to not make any big decisions until I was far enough away that I can think logically. And he was right.
So what does this all mean? It means, my dear and loyal followers, that I am in a really bad place right now. I'm not myself and I haven't been for awhile. I am trying so hard to keep things going and making everyone happy that I'm not seeing all the red flags in myself. First thing on Monday I am going to call the doctor and do what I have dreaded doing for two years.
I have to go back onto anti-depressants. Honestly I hope it clears up a lot of the sad I feel in my heart and the confusion I hear in my head. I hate the fact that I am going to have altered emotions but right now I am at the point where I feel like I am going to snap in half. I feel so empty and hollow inside that when I breathe I feel pain. I have tears that start flowing for no reason and I can't even talk about it because I don't know why. The tipping point for me is today, when the thought of having to get out of bed to start the day being mommy was so crushing that I ran through the list of people I could call to take them.
I can't live my life like this. I am so afraid I'm going to screw up and be a crappy mom that I can't even focus long enough to get through the day without crying. I love my kids and I hope they know that. I am so angry with myself that I am resorting to anti depressants again that I could scream. I have been on so many different ones but they are all different versions of numb with a variety of side effects and I don't understand why I can't just be happy like a normal person. Why can't I just move on from the things that make me sad and focus on all the great in my life?
I just have to keep it together until then.