Saturday, May 1, 2010

I've tried, but it's come to this anyways.

Not a lot of people who know me, even in real life, know that I have struggled with depression for most of my life. For years I just thought that it was normal to feel sad and to go through phases where you don't care what happens to you or what's going on around you.

For years I knew that eventually, I'd get back to caring about stuff and all would be good.

I'm on month seven and I still have not gotten to the point where I care. I mean I care, but I don't really care. I am barely taking care of myself. I feel like things are slowly falling apart around me. I feel and think things that are so horrible and I know that if I told people the things that go through my head they'd gasp and say something isn't right.

You're right. It isn't right.

Today I was talking to my dad. Honestly- even though I don't get to talk to my dad much (he's my step dad and he is an over-the-road truck driver) he always seems to get what's going on. Maybe my mom tips him off, maybe he's just really good at reading my mind from far away, I don't know. But today he called and we talked for awhile. And out of nowhere the statement, "Some days I just wake up and I'm so angry I could just walk away. I'm angry for no reason. I just wake up that way. And it makes me hate Matt and sometimes I just don't want to be anywhere. I just want to be alone." He of course follows this with, "Well with your kids, too". And after a pause I say, "No. Alone. Sometimes I don't even want my kids with me."

And I know how horrible that sounds. Trust me, I get it. I love my kids more than anything. I love them so fiercely that I'd kill myself to save them. I'd give up anything of value to keep them safe and happy. In fact, I have sacrificed my own happiness for the last three years in a marriage that is quite possibly, falling apart despite my best efforts, all because I can't bear to see them cry. Or to hurt. Because they don't understand. They don't understand that it hurts me too.

After a little pause my dad says, "Sara. You know I love you like my own. You are my own. But dammit- this is not the way you need to live. You need help and no matter what you do, I am always behind you. But this is not healthy."

And he's right. He's always right. When everything went down with Matt a few years ago my dad was the only reasonable, calm person around me who told me to not make any big decisions until I was far enough away that I can think logically. And he was right.

So what does this all mean? It means, my dear and loyal followers, that I am in a really bad place right now. I'm not myself and I haven't been for awhile. I am trying so hard to keep things going and making everyone happy that I'm not seeing all the red flags in myself. First thing on Monday I am going to call the doctor and do what I have dreaded doing for two years.

I have to go back onto anti-depressants. Honestly I hope it clears up a lot of the sad I feel in my heart and the confusion I hear in my head. I hate the fact that I am going to have altered emotions but right now I am at the point where I feel like I am going to snap in half. I feel so empty and hollow inside that when I breathe I feel pain. I have tears that start flowing for no reason and I can't even talk about it because I don't know why. The tipping point for me is today, when the thought of having to get out of bed to start the day being mommy was so crushing that I ran through the list of people I could call to take them.

I can't live my life like this. I am so afraid I'm going to screw up and be a crappy mom that I can't even focus long enough to get through the day without crying. I love my kids and I hope they know that. I am so angry with myself that I am resorting to anti depressants again that I could scream. I have been on so many different ones but they are all different versions of numb with a variety of side effects and I don't understand why I can't just be happy like a normal person. Why can't I just move on from the things that make me sad and focus on all the great in my life?

I just have to keep it together until then.

20 comments:

Nicole said...

((hugs)) I hope you feel better soon Sara!!

Ann said...

I know it sucks that you have to go back on the drugs, but maybe it's for the best. You can't go around feeling the way you do...that's no way to live life. And maybe it'll help you see things more clearly with Matt. Best of luck...keep us posted.

Lynne in NI said...

Oh Sara I'm so sorry to hear that you're in a dark place at the moment.
I normally secretly stalk your blog but felt I just had to offer hugs on this occasion.
My OH suffers from depression and is on anti-depressants too - we had to play about with various tablets before we got the right one at the right strength that didn't make him feel the numbness you describe. He still doesn't like taking them but at least it takes him out of the terrible feelings of despair and sadness, and makes life bearable again.
You hang in there girl!

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

Sara... seriously, this is one of the bravest things I have ever read on a blog. And I think that the fact that you are putting this out there in a very public place is a step in a good direction. I know, for me, there are things that I am not ready to admit. And until I can admit them to myself, let alone anyone else, I'm not taking any steps. You at least have started moving forward.

I know going to a doctor is something you don't want to do and you're scared. But that sounds like it's the kind of help you need right now. And you need to do it for yourself. There's too much to life to go through it not feeling things.

And of course you know we are all here for you when you need us. And you've got my number if you ever need to call.

Lin said...

*hugs* I'm sorry you're going through this but at least you're willing to do something about it even if it's not ideal. You'll feel better in now time just have hope hun.

Danielle said...

Sara! I love you! I look up to you and admire you and everything you do so much. However, I realized something as I read this, I admire you for everything you do for everyone else! The beautiful cards you make to send to someone else, the meals you make for your family, the fabulous organization you use to keep your family on track ... the list could go on and on ... however, what do you do for you??? It doesn't seem like a whole hell of a lot! It's so easy to get lost in the life of being a mommy, a wife, an employee, a friend (if you even have time to add that to your list), a cleaning woman, a chef, etc but what about just being Sara? I think this is definitely something that you need to do for YOU! Don't feel bad that you have to take care of this, feel good that you are taking care of it because there are SO MANY people out there that have a problem with depression and think its "normal." It's not. You shouldn't have to feel like this.

If you need anything e-mail me ... I'll send you my phone number! Text me anytime ... all the time! I LOVE LOVE LOVE to text! I'm always here for you! :) xoxoxo

lareinaelena said...

Sara--

There's no shame in getting help. I'm proud of you for knowing such and being willing to take that step.

And {{hugs}}.

xoxo

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

I am right there with you, Sara. I am so sorry to hear that you struggle this way, and I too know that people who don't have to deal with this don't understand, and that can suck too. You are doing the very best thing for yourself and your children by talking to someone and possibly getting on medication, because there are some things you can't do yourself -- your brain is in control and all those damn chemicals will win EVERY time. And please, believe me when I say there are medications (or combinations or doses) that make you feel not numb, but damn near normal. I hope everything works out, and I know the hardest part is making that phone call. Good for you. Keep up the courage.

Kayla & Brien said...

I'm right begind you too! I have been dealing with Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety, Insomnia, and Grief Instriction for 10 years now, and I have to tell you, I haven't been able to get off the meds myself. I know exactly where you are, and understand how you feel. You are so lucky to have your Step-Dad come in and support you to go back on meds. They are an altered state of mind but at least they allow us to survive and to live like a normal person. Especially for the kids. It took suicide attempt #2 and a Manic episode to finally convince my Mother that I might need some help. If you ever need a fellow-psychotic to talk to, you can always talk to me. :) I know what you are going through, and it is nice to have someone there to talk to. Best of luck, and God Bless! I hope all goes well!

Shanel said...

Hey Sara... this is the best post I've read in a while... I kinda wanna echo what Danielle said above.... what if it's time for you to let some of the weights in your life go... what if the hollow, empty feeling is because you just need a change... you are a busy lady... always doing things to keep your house in order... children and hubby happy... plus having a full time job... what do you do for yourself... trips, shopping, spa, girls night out.... I don't know I'm just wondering if you feel the way you do because there is this life that you're missing out on... I do hope that the Dr visit and rx helps....but you are in need of some time off too... you work so hard you deserve it:)

Natacha said...

Sara, I feel for you right now and I know that whatever you do, it will put you in a better place. I think you are an awesome person, although I only know you through the blogosphere and your etsy store, I know because of this you will make it happen! *hugs*

Chicken said...

Don't you for one second think that getting help means that you've failed at something. By getting the help that you need you'll be able to cut out all the extra bull shit that makes decision making hard. Hopefully you'll be able to focus and bring into light exactly what you and the kids need. You know we're all here for you. And even though I am miles away, I can be reached with a phone call. For now you must focus on feeling better, so that you can live your life how YOU want to not how someone else wants you to.

1smallstep said...

Hi Sara, I don't know you personally. In fact I have only read your blog for two weeks. I wanted to personally thank you for taking the time to write me back on facebook. I appreciate the time you took to offer me advise on blogging. Your post today moved me and saddened me equally. I wanted to say a few things. I admire your courage to admit something so personal on a public venue and I applaud you for knowing when something is off in your life. You are asking for help at just the right time and depression should never be taken lightly especially when there are children involved. secondly, I'm hoping you can accept that depression is a chemical imbalance and is not something you can "will" your way out of. Just being able to "SNAP out of it" is impossible and not a sign of failure. You would not blame a diabetic for taking insulin or a child with ADHD for taking ridilin. Depression is a chemical imbalance. I would also like to encourage you to seek counseling, meds and counseling are the best treatment. The meds may take care of the chemical issue and counseling will help with the anger. I also wanted to tell you about a book that I have just finished , It is called Women, Food and God. I do not know you or if you have issues with food, however you can take the issue of food out and put anything in its place. The book has transformed my life and many of my friends lives also. The author is Geneen Roth. To sum the book up, it's about ... putting you and your life first, knowing and seeking the best for yourself because you deserve that. It is about faith in your future and learning to love yourself just as you are.I am currently beginning to blog about this book. I wish you all the best and will look forward to reading your next blog.

NatalieCottrell said...

I think you're amazing for being this honest with yourself, first and foremost, much less your readers, many of which I'm sure are right there with you. Things like this are exponentially harder to get through as a mom, but all the more reason to take care of you so you can be the best version of yourself, whatever it takes. You owe that to yourself, pretty lady.

Holy Hannah said...

Hey,
I know how you feel, I have also struggled with depression for many many years. There is nothing wrong with medication. I couldn't make it through the day without them. Not only does it handle the depression but the anxiety as well. I know what it's like to want to hand off your kids to someone else for a bit. If that is what you need to do then do it. There is nothing wrong with that either. Let me know if I can help. ~ Stephanie

Cherri said...

hey there Sara, been following you only a short time through my drop off a smile blog, http://cherri-knight.blogspot.com, but wanted to leave you a hug, and remind you that you are absolutely not alone in all you're feeling.

talking helps. to your computer, your friends and yourself. i leave a transcript of many of my conversations with myself at what i refer to as my sad blog. call in if you feel like it. X
http://justwaving.blogspot.com/

Chez

Sarah said...

I think you are doing a courageous thing. I myself have been wondering at what point do I make the call and talk to someone about meds. My anxiety is getting worse rather than better. Thank you for your honest post. You are doing what needs to be done for your yourself and your children.

FinnyKnits said...

I'm not going to preach or counsel you, because I don't know nothing from all that stuff, but do go back on the anti-depressants. I've watched a handful of marriages and friendships fall apart because one person (or both) refused the medication they knew they needed and it seemed so unnecessarily tragic.

Wish you well, love.

Sara said...

It makes me cry to think of asking for help or medication. You gotta do what you need to do. I'm so glad your step-dad can talk to you and help you. He sounds wonderful. It's Monday...crap Tuesday (I've lost track of the days working night shift). I hope you have some answers from the doctor.

Morgan said...

Sara, what Danielle said above about knowing all of the amazingly wonderful superhero things you do for everyone but not being sure about what is just for you.

I asked myself the same thing while reading this. You cross my mind often. As if I'm wearing a WWSD bracelet. I think about how you can do it all and envy the shit out of you.

But don't forget to spend some selfish time, too! Burning the candle at both ends is never good for ones soul.

In your recount of the Muse concert you even told us how much of a rarity it is that you go do something fun just for you. Maybe it's time to change that.

Make good choices for yourself =)