Thursday, May 6, 2010

Q&A with your lambwhore and goatslut leader.

I promised you that I would answer any and all questions asked of me. Nothing is off limits and I don't embarrass easily.

Mostly because I don't give a damn. So here is what I received comment wise this week:

1. How many sex toys do you own? Do they need AAA or D batteries? Matt will not let me post a picture but whatever. I currently have 5 regular vibrators, two small vibrators, 3 different kinds of lubes, a whole bucket of rings (some vibrate, some don't), ribbons (for tying), and a ton of different edible/lickable things. Pretty basic. Everything is either a AA or D battery. OOH-- I will tell you that one time I ordered this vibrator called "Diamonds and Pearls" that had these beads the spin on the inside. Painful. Don't ever, ever, ever use this. FYI.

2. What is your opinion on plastic surgery? I love plastic surgery. For the right reason. Like I don't think we need any more Franken-Heidi's walking around because people who can't eat or talk without drooling because they can no longer feel their lips is weird. Actually- anytime someone fucks with their lips it just looks wrong. And if we're being honest, it scares the shit out of me when people are just randomly drooling. Especially if they don't know it. I don't consider myself a vain person by any means and figure I'm born this way so basically- I don't have small boobs or ass and I need to learn to live with it. Do I sometimes wish I could buy pants without having a complete fucking break down in a dressing room with concerned attendants asking me if I need a different size with fear in their voice? Yes. Is that going to ever happen in my life time? Probably not. Unless my ass mysteriously falls off in my sleep. But obviously- if you are deformed or look like Kristen Stewart, then I'm all for it.

3. If you could have one super power what would it be? I would like to read people's minds, like my idol, Sookie Stackhouse. (If for some deranged reason you don't know who that is- you need to watch HBO, specifically True Blood.) I mean yah, it'd be all loud and confusing but it would make it ten times more hilarious to make fun of people. And I could FINALLY figure out why the guy working at the post office counter stares at me weird. He does it to nobody else, and when I walk in it's like he can't function. Dang. Freak. I just want some mother fucking Simpson stamps.

4. Have you ever smoked? Dope? No to both. Fun fact: I apparently have the lung capacity of an asthmatic with one lung. I can hardly be in a place with smoke because I feel like I'm suffocating. I can do it but I'm basically dying and when I go outside I'm sucking in air like I've been stuck under water for 3 days.

This is also part of the reason I can't snorkel. Not only does my lung capacity and functionality suck rocks, but I apparently cannot breathe out of my nose. Seriously. This was driven home when Matt and I were on vacation with his family at Disney World. We did the seven day park hopper on one of the days we went to a waterpark called Typhoon Lagoon. Which was fun, FYI. But they had a "snorkel with fish" thing and we obviously wanted to do this. Keep in mind this "pool" was 3 feet deep and you can see the bottom with the faux sea life but they had real fish. So we get in and almost immediately- I realize I can't breathe. Every one else is having a swell time gliding like fucking fish themselves but here I am- flailing and choking. In three feet of water. A supervisor 16 year old kid had to rescue me. Pretty fucking embarrassing. Thank you puny lungs.

5. Why are you awesome? I think it's a combination of great vibrators, Pepsi, and boobs.

Frankly- I'm sad that my minions could not think of more questions. Insert *blank stare* here. I'm bummed because a lot of you seem to be borderline psychotic and/or sexually deranged so I was ready. Not even the interweb perverts came after me this time. So I grabbed my big book of questions and picked out 5 more. Just for fun.

1. If you were to name the greatest sexual advantage that women have over men, what would it be? We can fake it. Seriously- tell me you have NEVER faked it. I faked it every time with my first boyfriend. I had no idea what an orgasm actually was until I met Matt. Seriously.

2. If, for the rest of your life, you could achieve an instant orgasm by being touched on one particular spot on your body, where would you want it to be? The small of my back. By far.

3. If you had to constantly carry a weapon, what would it be? Totally a taser. I think tasers are hilarious and they look super fun. I already told Matt that they day Target sells them, I'm going to buy one and we're going to test it out on him. I think he thinks I'm joking but I'm totally not. That would be super fun.

4. If you could keep only one book you currently own, which would you choose? Definitely Linda Howard's All The Queen's Men. I have read that book 50+ times and I still love it. GREAT sex scene. This book makes me want to marry a black ops agent.

5. If you had to name the one thing you envy most about your mate, what would it be? Matt can fix anything. No matter what it is, he can figure out how to fix it. Not that this happens in our house- but I've seen him do it.

Now I think you should do the questionnaire. You can either do it on your blog or answer in the comments. ;) Do you have questions for me? Comment or email anytime and I'll answer them. :)

Tomorrow is Domestic Bitch Friday and I'm done with the post because I'm awesome like that.

16 comments:

Shanel said...

I can think of TONS of naughty questions... I shall email you soon:) Great post.... and great answers... you are too funny girl.

Sam said...

Did I miss the post where you instruct us to ask questions? Dang. I think you could do a post of just Shanel and I's questions alone, together we can make question magic.
I used to like Kristen Stewart, then I watched her in Cake Eaters and I cant see her as a normal human again.

Karls said...

I've just realised I'm a total lame-o! I have one bullet... which has been broken for a few months and only works when I move the cord around until I find the right position (for the cord... not the toy)

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

I'd like to have Sookie's power too BUT I'd like to be able to turn it off. Because I seriously do not need to listen to the thoughts of high schoolers. It would make me tear out my hear.

kate said...

i think i'd be too scared to answer some of those qs on my blog. but i love that you did.

and are those two animals on your button humping?

followed the trail from jandy. think i'll have to keep reading

Kelly said...

i'll steal those last 5 questions and answer them over on my blog :-)

xo, Kelly
http://firstwivesclubmember.blogspot.com/

The Insatiable Host said...

Dear Sarah
I have not been to confession in a long time...almost 5 weeks since I have read any blogs and I have started with yours.
1. because I saw the word vibrator and instantly associate this with you. For those who didn't know...Miss Amazing Sarah helped this sister out.

I had never bought a sex toy in my life...I will NOW NEVER turn back!!! I have appropriately dubbed this blue monster "Poppa Smurf"

2. Because I miss you so much and wanted to share some love with you.

xoxox I am back!!! Cant wait to catch up!!!

Danon

PS I have a pin up girl contest going on...you could win some mild porn and Marylin Monroe paraphanalia!!! ENTER NOW!!!

SpiritPhoenix said...

I was going to post aquestion and promptly forgot. Sorry. Here you go. Answer if you want.

"How do you come up with your catch phrases? (ie: Lamb Whores and Goat Sluts)

Another David said...

here's my impression of the first question:
"how many guns do you own?"
"oh, just a few hand guns, two assault rifles, a sniper rifle, three shot guns, and i have a surface-to-air missile in the garage. pretty basic stuff, really."

DON'T TASE ME, BRO!

Ann said...

Damn, and I thought I had a bunch of toys...you're depraved. :P

SurferWife said...

Haven't I asked you a question before? I am certain I have. Maybe I missed your answer somewhere.

Anyway, would you quit your day job to be the manager/PR person for my rock band called Hot Dog in a Hula Hoop?

Countess said...

Hey....I'm sooo much older then you and have only just bought my 1st vibrator....does that make me me a loser or....a slow learner.....???

diipo said...

That was a very bold step.

Alpha Za said...

This is the funniest blog that I've read in a while.

Awesome stuff, I look forward to reading more.

Susie Stackhouse is Awesome! Though it would suck if you met fake nice ppl who were thinking crappy shit about you behind your back. Telekinesis is where it's at...

PS: My fridge is messed up...can I borrow this Matt chap? I have huge swimmer trambone lungs, I'll lend you one so you experience the joys of smokes and dope.

Chicken said...

Oh god! I missed the question post! I've been a horrible lamb whore! Do angels sing when you open up your sex drawer?

Mom Taxi Julie said...

I'd do it but I get about 1 or 2 comments a day. Apparently I suck lol