I know I have been ubber vague over the last week. And I'm sorry. But when I get it all out it will all make sense as to why I had to wait and then you'll understand all the cryptic things I've mentioned.
But not everything is in order or completed yet so instead of giving you one ridiculously massive post....I'm going to break it up. I'm going to try my hand at breaking it down for you piece by piece and then MAYBE..just maybe..it'll make more sense at the end. If not, well- I've got blogging covered for the week. ;)
OK. So I probably have mentioned this before and some of you who have gotten to know me more via the interwebs probably know that I'm not a religious person. I don't frown on those who choose to follow that path but it just isn't for me. I'm more of a science chick and believe we've evolved and yeah- things blew up a long time ago, made our planet and voila- life. And quite frankly- religion confuses me. I don't really understand how there can be some many versions of religion and how everyone is essentially fighting over semantics. One person says it differently then you and all of a sudden- they are wrong. Even though essentially, you are all saying the same thing. And to think the majority of the world is up in arms, literally, over religion at the end of the day is absolutely bizarre to me. Because really? DOES IT MATTER, PEOPLE?!
So yeah. I'm not religious but I do have beliefs. My beliefs tell me that when we die we go somewhere. I don't necessarily believe in heaven and hell but I believe we go somewhere. Maybe it's just a space above the world, maybe we're reincarnated, maybe that's that. Maybe there isn't anything. But to think that you can sin your whole life and say "oops, my bad" at the end to get into a heaven seems retarded. I just don't think that seems right. Neither does cutting in line at Target or people wearing spandex, but whatever.
I also belief that everything happens for a reason. I believe that we are given signs every day as to what we are supposed to do and part of the journey of life is learning how to see and interpret those signs. If you miss a few subtle ones a big one will come and literally kick you in the ass and get you on the right path.
I have struggled a lot in my life with watching people make bad choices and decisions and never see the consequences. I have struggled when I see people not doing their job time and time again and yet they get away with it. I have seen people say they are doing something when in fact they aren't and you know at the last minute they will call upon you to cover their ass. No amount of apology or "thanks for always covering my ass" gifts will make that right. I struggle every day to keep my mouth shut, mind my own business and just do what I am supposed to do. It's hard and sometimes I slip up. Because deep down- none of these things are right. People shouldn't be allowed to do any of these things and get away with it. You may be a fabulous person in your other life and you may have done a lot of great things but you aren't right now and you should be called on it.
I know that if I didn't do what I was supposed to do, constantly slacked off and made excuses, and continually made bad choices or had a blatant disregard for another person's feelings or generally acted as if I were permanently stuck in 9th grade- consequences would hit me like a ton of bricks.
But that's just my luck.
But along with having these beliefs is knowing that you can't always be right even when you know you are. I struggle with the fact that some places are still the "good ole' boys club" or that things won't change because change is scary. Change is actually really good. And I have always liked change until it came down to me having to make a choice. Because what if I make the wrong choice? What if it's so wrong and I set my entire family into a tail spin? What if everything goes bad and it's all my fault and then everyone will blame me and tell me I'm a failure??
These are the things I have been thinking about 24/7 for the last two weeks. But in the end- I'm sick of dealing with it. I'm sick of being in 9th grade. I'm sick of listening to people gossip about others and then pretend to be your friend. I'm tired of coming home crying and upset. I'm tired of feeling so sick I can barely get out of bed. I'm tired of being so stressed out and angry about the things I cannot change that I am not the Old Sara.
And although the decision that I'm 90% sure I'm going to make is devastating to me because it's closing a major chapter of my life....I believe it's the right decision. I have missed a few signs that I disregarded but as per usual- life kicked me in my ass in the last two weeks. And I feel like for the first time in a very long time like a lot of weight is coming off my shoulders and that maybe, just maybe...it's going to be the right thing for me, for my kids, for Matt, and for my sanity.