We've talked about my beliefs, and my view on friendship.
So tonight we're going to talk about life and death. Although you know that at any given moment you can die nobody ever really lives like that. (Again- hit "play" to enhance this post)
Death Cab for Cutie summed it up best with the first line of their song "What Sarah Said" which easily enough is one of my favorite songs of all time.
"And it came to me then, that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time"
We all know that we should live like we're dying and go through life without regrets. I have many regrets that I know will never correct themselves while other regrets I know over time will get better.
But during an especially awful week for me and having been slapped in the face by idiots who assume they know me....I had an equally awful ending. At approximately 7:30 in the evening of May 13 my mom informed me that my step dad (who has been more of a father than my sperm donor of a biological dad could ever be to me) had a heart attack. My step dad works has always worked his ass off to provided for our family and has gone without so that we could want for nothing. He is an over the road truck driver. It is a lonely life. He is gone a lot and although we miss him dearly when he is gone we know it's because he's working to provide better for the family. But one of the worst fears that my mom, brother and I have always had is that something would happen to him and we'd never know. Luckily my dad has a built in GPS in his head and can get you anywhere you want in the continental US with a few simple directions without consulting a map. He is not your typical truck driver- he's in shape and he's healthy.
So he's in his truck, at a truck stop, and getting ready for sleep. Then it happens- the heart attack. Fortunately he had the wherewith all to call 911. Fortunately they got to him fast enough. Fortunately he is close enough to one of the top 100 heart hospitals in the country and he is only 6-7 hours from home. My mom and grandparents travel down that night while I stay up waiting to hear from someone about what is happening.
And while I wait- it hits me.
I'm done. I can't continue living my life for other people. I give 110% to my job and I'm not appreciated. I'm subjected to gossip and high school drama and it's not worth it. They can live their lives like this and pretend to be my friend but really- I'm above this. My life is meant to be more. I didn't bust my ass through school to deal with this. I have been through worse times than this and frankly- I'm done with their bullshit.
I'm also done being friends with people who were never really my friends. I need to be more present with my family and be a better friend to the friends that love me. I need to get Lenny a new blanket to hump because his other one is yucky. I need to learn how to mow a lawn. I need get up each and every day and be thankful for all of the awesome stuff and people I have in my life.
I need to be happy. If I continue on the path I was on I'm going to die young and unhappy. I'm not going to be any better than the very people who made me this way. I was a fun, outgoing, positive, happy person before them and god dammit all- I'm going to be that way from now on. I'm sick of planning my entire life around them and what their needs are. My needs aren't being met. So fuck them.
Thankfully- my dad survived. And I appreciate that so much more now because I realized how many kids lose their parents to heart attacks. Even though the recovery is going to be hard and there are a lot of things I'm not mentioning here that make our family situation a hardship- I know that we'll make it. We always do. And I am happy to know that my dad has a second chance. Not just for my own selfish reasons am I glad he's still with us, but for my kids. They love him to pieces and they would have been devastated.
But it wasn't just him that had a second chance. His heart attack was a wake up call to us all. It was like all of the little signs I ignored and all of the gut feelings I had but waved off were all trumped by this. THIS was the big sign. This was my wake up call that what I was enduring was not right, they were wrong, and that my life path has to change. For my own health.
So tomorrow night is the final night of this week long journey (for you at least) and all will be revealed. ;)