Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Have you ever worked in an office? Then you can relate.

It takes a special person to work in an office and not turn homicidal. Most of my friends work in offices and we have always swapped stories of the horrors that are our jobs but I have one friend in particular who has stories that are on par with the ones I have. Which is why we're besties. She gets me.

We actually used to work together in what was my very first office job. This was when I was still really naive to people and didn't think that people were actually douches all of the time. No, seriously- I once was a shy, polite girl. Obviously that made it oooh..maybe 6 months. And then my friend showed me the light.

Anyways. So while working there I got an office, and by "office" I mean the room that shared the paper, copier and collating machine. I fucking loved the collating machine. And no other job I have ever had has had a collating machine and this makes me sad. I am 99% sure I have carpal tunnel from having to fold paper and lots of it at my last job on a regular basis. Bitches. So while shoved in my little "office" in the afternoons I realized that people were totally abusing the copier. Totally. Like I was clearing jams for bitches copying Good Housekeeping recipes. Number one- that's theft I'm sure, and number two- those recipes will not help you lose weight, fat ass. You need to actually exercise. I know, it's scary, but really- there is no other way.

Unless you like puking.

But what is amazing is that after a decade...two of my signs are still up!
And I was always amazed that I had to have a sign telling people to put the supplies back. Because honestly? I should not have to plan out a covert ops mission to find my pen.
But since leaving I guess it's gotten better. My friend tells me that nobodies lunch is sacred. Food and drinks that are purchased by the company for company meetings become a free for all. They actually have to have a lock on the refrigerator. And a sign, obvi.
But if you were able to break into the fridge...my friend has your ass covered as well.
There are a lot of things about working in an office that are annoying. I mean, I could make this post last a very long time. But because we're having rain storms (AGAIN) and my power has gone out four times in the last 30 minutes, I'm going to just highlight some of my pet peeves in an office. Mmkay?

When you are working at your desk and realize, "Oh damn- I need some paper. And a folder. I'm just going to take a leisurely stroll to the office supply area." And you get there only to realize there is nothing that you need. No. Some jackass took the last of something without re-ordering. Or at least telling someone. Seriously? You just couldn't be bothered? Did you ever stop to think that maybe some people actually work at work (I know-- but there are an elite few who happen to earn their wage) and need supplies. And when you are doing, let's just say, PERSONAL stuff AT WORK with COMPANY supplies--- YOU ARE STEALING. You are not entitled. You are entitled to a wage when you work (and do your job) but you are not entitled to steal. Or make copies of some low calorie recipe.

I also can't stand it when people take a shit at work. Now, I have posted about this in the past but I was asked to remove it from my blog from my previous employers because it looked bad. I'm sorry- it's not ME that looks bad. Maybe it was YOU not flushing the toilet. And for that? You should be embarrassed. Anyways. So someday that might go back up. But seriously. If you absolutely MUST shit at work please flush the god damn toilet. Make sure everything goes down. If multiple flushes are needed, do it. It's like if you were going to kill something, you wouldn't just wound it and hope it dies on it's own. No- you're going to keep shooting it until you are absolutely SURE it's dead. Same policy with poop. And toilet paper. Even if you only peed. I really don't like seeing disintegrating toilet paper in the toilet. It's gross.

But my friend has photographic evidence on her cell phone that someone at her work shit on the floor. They made no attempt to get their ass on the bowl- they just let it go right on the floor. Now, I'm not one to judge those with disabilities. But we ain't working at Goodwill or Walmart. I think a bare minimum requirement on an application needs to be "must be able to shit in toilet".

More disturbing was a few months ago she emailed me detailing how someone had what looks like, a miscarriage on the toilet. I know- ON the toilet. Again, they couldn't even get themselves on the toilet to just let their uterus fall out. There was blood on the seat, all down the front/side of the bowl. Totally disgusting. I mean, how she did not send out an inter office email about this- I don't know. She obviously is a better person than I. Because I? Would have fired off an email so quickly because that shit is NOT sanitary. You should not be exposed to biological material when you are working in an office.

Also what pisses me off is when you work with people who smoke. Now, I have a lot of friends who smoke and my husband smokes, so I am sympathetic to the cravings smokers get. I get that. But honestly- the law states that your employer has to give you a 15 minute break for every 4 hours worked. And then a lunch if you work more. But smokers get a ton of breaks. And it's totally ok because you know- they are addicted.

Really? So are you saying if I was a crackhead, me taking time out of work to take a hit Lohan style in the bathroom would be ok? Because if so I need to become addicted to something if I ever work full time again. Honestly? I wish employers would crack down on that shit. No smoke breaks. Because when they come back? The fucking smell awful. You can't deal with customers/clients when you reek of smoke. Number one- disgusting. Number two- totally unprofessional. If you want to smoke while you are working- work in a smoke shop. Or a bar. (Unless you live in MN/WI where it is illegal to smoke in ANY public building. *Rejoice*)

There is a reason that Office Space is such a fabulous movie. There is a reason Dilbert has a franchise. There is a reason that The Office is a hit show. It's because these things really do happen. Every office job I have ever had has been eerily reminiscent of Dilbert and The Office. My last job? It WAS Office Space. If the building had burned down and I had stolen money from the place I would have lived that movie. And honestly? That's just sad.

17 comments:

Sadako said...

Great post. So true!

Natacha said...

I totally identify with this stuff... working in an office can really make you crazy. I have another pet peeve, people who eat stinky lunch at their desks that the smell lingers for the rest of the afternoon and I swear I can still smell it on my clothes when I get home..yuk!

Amber said...

Office Space a fabulous movie?

Naw.....

Possible one of the BEST movies.

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

Hence the reason I'm glad that I've only worked in an office for one summer. That was enough for me.

Jaime Hungry said...

Agreed. Especially with the pooping. Just gross. Have manners people. And the smoking. And I smoke, just not when I'm at work, WORKING.

deannaburasco said...

Your post reminds me how grateful I am to not have worked in an office the last ten years. Office Space has got to be one of the best movies of all time!

itschaotic said...

love this post. thankfully I don't have to deal with office supplies running low or theft of food from the fridge, but I can identify with the bathroom and being subjected to stuff ON the toilet. disgusting. and the smoking thing. OMG. at my previous job (i was in mgmt, so I bitched A LOT about this) people always got smoke breaks and would end up seemingly get an extra hour break throughout the day with their little smoke breaks. my complaint was that I drink alcohol, so maybe I should get *drink* breaks. eventually they got stricter with the rules so it all worked out but still....

Organic Meatbag said...

Oh yeah, I can definitely relate, for my job of 12 years in one of the most hideous, depressing offices known to man has spared me no joy with the antics of people that you have to wonder how they function in every day life...my office is battleship grey and is practically begging all of us to have one big communal suicide, Jonestown style...

my only joy right now comes from the fact that we can wear t-shirts and shorts all summer, which is great, because it has been in the 90's for two weeks here in Louisville, and it's only fucking mid-June... therefore, I am sporting some comfy clothing, which makes Meatbag a happy lad...

oh, and also, I love new urinal cake day here, which is about once every 5 months...I can pretend that the urinal cake is our CEO's face, and I take great pleasure on letting loose with an impressive piss stream on it... welcome to Meatbag's world...

Anastasia said...

Uhh yeah, when I was pregnant someone stole my lunch. And we put a sign up that said. Thanks to you who stole my lunch, my unborn child didn't get to eat. Awesome.

Lisa said...

Thank you for saying what I've always wanted to say!! Seriously, each day I just shake my head and wonder how these people have managed to live to the age of their 40's & 50's with very little life skills or common sense. What do their homes look like? I have a pretty wild imagination and I am sure I do not want to know. You are unable to poop or have your period IN the toilet without incident. You are unable to place a phone call to order more supplies. You are unable to work a full 8 hour shift. You are unable to keep appointments or do very simple tasks without the photographic explicit instructions from me on a daily basis. Is there room for more?? Being the youngest in an office of about 35 folks, it is very sad that I am among the most capable and responsible staff member in this office. What has this world come to?

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

No public smoking in Michigan now either!!!! :)

Morgan said...

Oh how I missed internet the past few weeks just because I couldn't read your genius daily.

I think you said it all so there isn't much else to say than Brava. Brava.

Salt said...

I work in an office and I can pretty much relate to all of this. What I need to do is be smart like you and make a sign because I cannot even tell you how many pens have gone missing in the year and a half I've worked here. I don't steal other peoples' stuff...why do they take mine!? *RAGE*

Another David said...

Oh man, there were some crazy passive-aggressive note swapping going down on the fridge a while ago. Apparently, someone was upset about the size of some people's containers? Which is ridiculous because the fridge is never full - it's only used by like 40 people (this is the federal government, we have regulations on the fridge:employee ratio for real). I took a picture, but I don't want to blog about it because people know what I work and all.

TerresaE said...

I can soooo relate. At my last job I was responsible for setting up food for various meetings. I would arrange some cookies or whatever on a tray and then saran wrap it and sit it someplace out of the way - like on top of the refrigerator, in preparation for a meeting that was like an hour or so away, only to come back and have half of the items missing from the tray. One time, I went so far as to count the cookies, and write "9" on the saran wrap, and when I came back...yep, only 7 cookies left. Some people just piss me off.

Cecelia Winesap said...

Sara, you are too funny. I have this problem in my office too.

I always hate going into the ladies room after lunch. It always smells like a men’s bathroom or worse. The women in my office loudly announce when they are having digestive problems. So, my thing is, if they’re already telling the whole office about their issue, why don't they bring some odor-killing spray to save us all from smelling it?! It’s not as if they need to be embarrassed about bringing spray to work, since they're announcing their problems anyway. No one has to see them walk in with the spray and the bathroom could smell semi-rosy fresh when they leave as opposed to a cess pool.

The following literally went down in my office. Verbatim. I wish I were kidding.

Anna: "Oh my gosh, I just can't stop taking a dump today and it smells really bad. So sorry, girls."
Me: "Don't take this the wrong way, but how about you bring in some spray for the bathroom tomorrow since it's that bad? Just saying..."
Anna: "How dare you? Can't you see I'm having a hard time, here? Why would you say something like that?"

My fantasy response: "WHAT?! You just announced to the entire office that you're stinking up the bathroom and you yell at me for passing along a suggestion to help mask your embarrassment? I care about your feelings, as well as everyone else's nose here in the office, so how is it that I'm made out to be the asshat? How dare YOU!"

But no I just shut my mouth because I was scared.

I hear ya on the office bathroom, girl!

Sam said...

God, the miscarriage on the toilet makes me want to gag. I had the job of cleaning the customer bathroom last week and someone shit on the SIDE of the toilet. Not the inSIDE, the outSide. How is that possible??