It's really funny because I barely have time to do anything with my current friends, but I have decided that I need more friends that are willing to come to me. Or at least answer their phone in the rare instance that I do call.
Because I hate talking on the phone. I loathe it. I make 99% of my plans via email or Facebook message and I just wish more people would do this. Stop calling me. I hate talking on the phone.
I have some pretty high standards for friends and to be honest, I'm not always fab in return. I try though, so I would like to think that's what actually counts. My effort. And oftentimes I make a friend and realize in a short period of time that they really suck. And then you have to go into the super awkward friend breakup and it never goes well.
So in order to eliminate this hassle I have come up with a short list of things that are necessary in order to be my friend. Obviously the list isn't all inclusive but it's a good starting point. If you can't make these minimum requirements....save yourself the embarrassment. And this is incidentally, kind of, an idea that Aaron gave me. Kind of. And all of these things are basically some things that irritate me about some of the people in my life. I won't name names, but seriously. These drive me nuts.
1. I need a friend who is honest at all times. If my ass looks big in my pants- please fucking tell me. And then offer a suggestion. I hate when people complain about something and have nothing to offer. And in return- I will tell you when you look like shit.
2. Carry your own chapstick. While I say I trust you when you say you don't have herpes, I don't really. Secretly I think everyone has herpes and I avoid other people's germs. So don't ask to borrow my chapstick. Ever.
3. Have something of value to leave me when you die. If you have an RV you will be my automatic friend as long as you prove to me that the RV is mine when you die. Even if your death is "untimely" or "accidental".
4. Don't let your dog jump on me or sniff my crotch. I like small dogs. I think we all remember my incident with a BFD (big fucking dog) and I really don't give a shit if your pet has been through obedience class. My experience is that those classes are a waste of god damn time and money and your dog will still sniff vaginas. And jump. And it's not cute or adorable. It's annoying and gross. I don't get fresh on a first date and I certainly don't like being jumped on date three.
5. Don't get completely shit faced when hanging out with me. Even though I don't drink, I really don't care if others around me drink. But I do care when I am having to cart your farting, drunk ass around from bar to bar while trying to avoid you puking in my vehicle. I also don't like when you get super loud and think you're funny while the rest of the bar laughs at you. Nobody wants to see your thong. Nobody wants to hear you do karaoke. I will make fun of you and shame you in a bar if needed.
6. Do not ever wear Crocs when out with me. Self explanatory.
7. Don't bitch to me that you have no money while we're on a shopping trip. I don't actually want to hear about your money problems because of your bad choices. I don't feel bad for you.
8. Are you a reader? Great. We can borrow books, but you actually have to give mine back. Same with cd's and movies.
9. Don't preach to me about my diet. Or that I need to eat healthier foods. Or that I should try some weird fucking diet or flush out my bowels, etc. I am fully aware that by me not eating fruits and vegetables I'm a slug. I get this and I DON'T CARE. I don't believe in diets and I think people who continually flush out their bowels or whatever in the hopes to losing weight are crazy. Not only is that not normal, but the weight loss is only temporary. Try laying off the chips and dip, fatty.
10. Don't expect me to like your friends. Just because I like you does not mean I'm going to like your friends. Because I probably won't.
11. Don't complain that I never include you in on stuff when every time I do include you....you never want to go. Don't blame me for your psychotic anti-social behavior. I can't help that you have no life- I'm trying to help you.
12. And if you do go out....don't be a stick in the mud. We're out- let's have fun. I don't get to go out much so when I do I want it to be memorable. So if you are just going to sit there and not join in on my stupidity, don't bother coming.
13. Be adventurous. I suck at almost everything. I hate the outdoors and I'm scared of bugs. But even I am willing to try new things.
And I don't want to end this on a Debbie Downer note. I am going to list the things that will make you a FANTASTIC friend.
1. Be honest.
2. Make an effort to hang out with me.
3. Be flexible. Even if you're reluctant to try something- pull the stick out of your vagina.
4. Willing to joke around.
5. Understand what makes me tick. Know when I need you even when I don't ask.
6. Understand why I've made the choices I have. Even if you disagree with me, please just support me.
7. Be willing to pig out with me even if you're on a diet.
8. Understand that if it came down to me and you in a chance to marry Robert Pattinson I automatically win.
So let's open this up- what is a deal breaker or maker for a friend for you?