Monday, June 14, 2010

Why I Think Our Zoo Is A Joke

If you don't live around here (northern Minnesota/Wisconsin) and you were just visiting the area, you would probably think that the Lake Superior Zoo in Duluth was pretty cool. Because you get to see animals that are native to the area as well as some other random but expected at a zoo.

We have monkeys, a polar bear (the other one died), some like Australian animals (according to their signs they are here- but in all my trips to the zoo I have NEVER seen any of these.), and some new lions. Which yippee. But I would say the majority of the zoo are the animals you can pet like bunnies and some weird thing that looks like a deformed chicken, and some turtles. Bunnies are no big because as you can see, they eat most of my grass.
They also have this huge fenced in area in the back of the zoo that has deer and some other random four legged shit that smell. And honestly? This bastard was just chillin like a mother fucking villain near my yard the other day. Just staring at me like I'm all up in her shit. No, bitch. I just caught you eating my fucking hostas. Those bastards are $9.97 a piece. You can make the check payable to me.

This fall we took Olivia and Jackson to the zoo with my grandparents because they apparently think it's the shit and my grandparents like hanging out with the kids. Obviously Olivia is getting to the age where she can ask questions that we don't always have answers to, which is annoying. So we kept walking past all of these boxed in areas that were meant to be animal exhibits but all that's in there are cigarette butts, soda cans and weeds. Olivia asked Matt what animal is in there as she's looking really hard to see something and he replied with, "It's an invisible octopus." This kept her happy.

But what about the next trip and she realizes that an octopus lives in the water? Should we just say, "Sorry kid, there's nothing in there. Our zoo was run by morons for a few decades and it lost it's rank and so that means we get ghetto animals they probably caught off the side of the highway." I mean, is that what I should say? I probably will anyways.

I'd like to know how a zoo can charge so much for a fucking ticket. Especially when you have nice zoos in the Twin Cities that are free. And they have REAL, LIVE animals. (Our zoo has a lot of animals that are stuffed. I'm serious.) You know it's a sad day when it's almost worth paying the ridiculous prices at Rainforest Cafe because that would be more of an educational experience than paying to get into the local zoo.

And I also want to know why don't they stick some fucking Glade Plug-In's somewhere in the nocturnal exhibit? Holy fucking hell. There is no way you can tell me that 10 bats smell that bad. Walking through that exhibit should be part of a military training exercise. You have to hold your breath and hope to god that the people ahead of you just run through and not plug up the hallway. Not that you can see in there. Like I *get* that the animals like it dark but shit. I don't eat enough carrots to see in the dark. Is it really going to piss off your 10 bats if you put reflectors on the floor? Is it going to depress them anymore than being locked into a pseudo cave for the rest of their lives?

I also am not a fan of animals roaming free. I'm talking about you, peacocks. There is nothing natural about a peacock following you around in Duluth, MN. If I want to experience animals being free I'd be on a fucking safari. But I'm not. I'm expecting animals to be in cages or fenced in areas. And if they are going to be free, where are your animal handlers? Someone that can put that bird in it's place when it runs after me. That shit is no joke.

I also am totally grossed out about the petting zoo farm animals. Gross. That donkey just has no problem putting his snout (or is it a nose??) all up in your vag. It's like dang- this is first date. Nobody goes for my vag on a first date. I'm a lady, asshole. And the llama is all trying to get on my boobs. It's gross. It's like being molested. But you're paying for it. So it's wrong on a lot of levels.

Our zoo needs to get it's rank or whatever back. This is ridiculous. They unveiled some plan to expand the exhibit with the deer and shit. Really? Because we see plenty of those every day. Some are even dead and then you get to see what their insides look like. In various stages of decay on the side of the road. Whatever. I think they should use the money for something like..I don't know...animals not from here. Put them in one of the million empty exhibits. Just a thought dumbasses.

12 comments:

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

Dustin and I actually checked out that zoo the first time we went to Duluth last April. It was... eh, okay. I mean, it's not the Minnesota Zoo. And it certainly isn't the San Diego Zoo (which I freaking LOVE). And the deer area was really weird.

I totally made Dustin read this post. He was cracking up.

Gini said...

HAHAHA! That zoo sounds ghetto as shit! Our zoo rocks and it's better than the San Diego even. Come to Omaha and have Jones Bros cupcakes (crazy awesome btw) and I'll show your kids what a REAL zoo is like.

Amber said...

Well, that sounds like our Aquarium here. I mean, shit, we are in CHARLESTON...on the fucking coast, so you would think we have a kick ass Aquarium....well we don't. They advertised at first when they opened (it is like a 2 million dollar monstrosity), and they had dolphins all over their shit. On t-shirts, billboards, commercials, the whole nine yards. Then you get there with the kids and they are screaming "I wanna see dolphins, I wanna see dolphins", so you go ask them where the dolphin exhibit is, and they point to the harbor. THE FUCKING CHARLESTON HARBOR! I said "are you KIDDING me??" They said "South Carolina law prohibits us from keeping them caged, so you can use those outdoor binocular things to watch them in the harbor".

Fucking FAIL!!

AaronBillyMacHarlan said...

That zoo sounds like a hoot. My boyfriend claims that I spend so much time reading your blog that I'm dating you more than him... after which point I had to remind him that we are no longer simply dating since I've reeled him in and we are now approaching domestic partnership status. Woohoo! You can remain my blogger girlfriend as far as he is concerned....

Smart Ass Sara said...

@Krysten- yay for penis love! And maybe the next time we hang out we can make the boys catch a deer for us!

@Gini- Perhaps the ONLY thing that would convince me to come to Omaha is you. And cupcakes. ;)

@Amber- oh, we have an aquarium. I'll post on that sometime too. But I almost pissed myself with your dolphin story! LOL!!

@Aaron- I have to work extra hard to win him over, don't I? I would flash vag but obviously that won't lure him... *sigh*. Well if I ever make it to CA I'll stay with you guys! And we can have a slumber party! Or we can spy on Chelsea Handler. And catch a midget. Mwah boyfriend!

Chicken said...

I say you open up your own zoo. Fence that plant eating bitch up and teach her how to dance. The worst zoo I've ever been to in my entire life is the Dallas zoo. The Eagles were kept in a yard with their wings clipped surrounded by 30 dead rats (I shit you not). The monkeys were kept in cages (not natural habitats) with the natural sound of the highway right behind them...yeah like those animals aren't already near the brink of crazy. No wonder we had an ape escape a few years ago and start attacking people.

LiLu said...

I can't believe they charge for that! I'll never take the DC zoo for granted again!

AaronBillyMacHarlan said...

Sarah you can totally come stay with me if you're in California as long as you promise promise promise that there will be no 'vag shots'... If anything I find breasts on women fascinating in a completely non sexual way but as far as the rest of the famale anatomy goes the less I have to know/see the better. Craig is already grossed out by his brother saying that the rock-formation diamond in our front yard reminds him of a giant vagina and makes our house really easy to locate on google maps. He would have a complete breakdown with some girl, even if she is totally awesome, flashing her cootchie all off handedly while sleeping on our couch. With that out of the way- the door is totally open if you ever find yourself in the bay area and we'll totally have an awesome slumber party!

Smart Ass Sara said...

@Chicken- Our zoo is next to Grand Avenue, aka the drag strip of Duluth. I'm sure the deer think they are going to die every 20 seconds.

@LiLu- it's like $8 a person. Ouch.

@Aaron- GREAT. This works out because flashing vag is super hard without completely disrobing and you know- I just don't have that many things that are easy on/off. It would have been a problem. I can't help my boobs- they are 36D so it's not like I can tuck them in. They are shameless whores and I can't be held responsible for anything they do. And the rock formation DOES kind of look like a vag. I didn't know if this was a joke you were going for. Just don't put any brown foliage in there and you'll be fine.

FinnyKnits said...

This post is a gem and reflects many of the sentiments I had after visiting zoos in other states. That said, even the zoo here (SF Zoo) has gone downhill and I can no longer be a party to its depressing displays.

Too bad they can't just release these animals back into their natural habitats and close the zoo altogether.

It's no wonder, when they get the chance, those animals go for head-ripping when an idiot wanders into their enclosure. Frankly, I would, too.

Another David said...

I'm spoiled by the National Zoo. It's free and awesome because it's a Smithsonian, and now, ever other zoo I go to just kinda... sucks. What do you mean your chimps don't speak sign language? I thought they all did! So sorry to hear about the loss of your zebra, we recently had to give one of our several pandas back to China, so I can relate.

Sam said...

The zoo here sucks too. The monkey exhibit is the best though, there's only one lonely monkey, and you walk up to this glass wall and he is able to hang onto the top of the glass and put his feet on it at like eye level and he proceeds to start licking the glass in front of you. The kicker was after about ten minutes he ran back up to his branch and starting playing with himself! Yeah, scarring. I could imagine how that would go with a kid. :)