Thursday, June 10, 2010

Winner(s). And let's talk about sex some more.

So the winner of the super fabulous Ocean View Necklace is:

True Random Number Generator Min: 1 Max: 25 Result: 17 Powered by RANDOM.ORG

SPIRIT PHOENIX!!

Ok you hot bitch, send me your mailing address to: slinkies_r_us AT hotmail DOT com and I will get that into the mail to you this weekend at some point.

Aw..are you sad you lost? I am too. (Not really because I get to keep the ring. SUCKAS!) But guess what?

True Random Number Generator Min: 1 Max: 25 Result: 9 Powered by RANDOM.ORG

JESSICA!!!

You need to email me because I am going to send you something that hasn't quite made it to my Etsy shop yet. So yeah. Who's your leader bitch now? (Me)
******************

OK, so I think we had a great conversation about sex last night, right? Of course we did. And from that I have had a lot of er...interesting...conversations with some of you on the side about sex and how traumatic it is the first time. (For those newcomers who'd like to hear about when I was deflowered- go HERE.)

So many of you commented either on my post last night or via email, FB message, etc that sex education should involve not just what parts you come stocked with but how to use them. And I couldn't agree more. I also think some instruction should be given on your holes (women) and the pros/cons of using each hole. Because let me tell you something- if you don't know what you are doing with hole #2 (optional and weird) it can be a problem. Not only does it hurt, but it is messy. If you aren't prepared.

(And any boy who "accidentally" got in there is a fucking liar and you better hope he doesn't have some weird STD that looks like bugs, or worse yet- warts. EW.)

But what I didn't know even though I had, what I would consider, extensive sexual education- I had no idea that just because a boy's penis can be hard or soft- it should never do that like within a second. Like when you, let's just say, get super into the moment and slam down on it. Yeah. That's not good. This should be put in the manual.

Also I think that in the boys manual it should be on the first page: do NOT initiate intercourse if hole #1 is drier than the Sahara. If you suck at foreplay- this is your clue. Try harder. Just because something works on you does not mean it's going to work on the chick. And if the girl is getting pissy with you (or she pulls out her phone to text someone) grab the lube. Quickly and hope for the best. There is nothing more unsexy than having to have a warm wash cloth and/or ice pack AFTERWARDS shoved next to your crotch because you feel like three layers of skin have been removed.

Honestly- I don't know about other girls? But I don't like when a guy is talking to me. Like don't say stupid shit like "oh baby" or ask me questions. If I haven't hit you or nudged you with my leg assume all is good. I don't want to be all verbal and I would prefer if you stop. Because if I am fantasizing about Robert Pattinson your voice is going to kill that dream. My dream = orgasm = happy Sara later on. Don't mess it up.

This goes for everyone: Just because YOU might be ok/comfortable with something do not assume your partner is. Halfway to an orgasm is not the time to bring up the first conversation about trying something new. Bitch please. I am not getting off this train to get in a hoopty, unreliable Pinto. No. That makes no sense. And I'm picky. Once I miss that train? It. Is. Never. Coming. Back. (for the night, at least) Talk to your partner before. And no means no. Always. No exception.

And if you have weird fetishes and/or sexual tendencies that are maybe questionable- get this out in the open ASAP. Don't wait until you are married or something to bring it up. Too late. That is lying. If you are a freak or think that anything you want to do may be embarrassing (to yourself) that is something you need to get out into the open. No questions asked. If your partner thinks that's weird they then have the choice to move on or accept it. But don't expect your husband/wife to be ok with something just because you're married. It doesn't work that way.

OK- so if YOU were to write a manual for sex ed- what would you like included?

5 comments:

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

Um, how about don't turn on the Moody Blues? Because I don't care how hot the sex is, Moody Blues makes me want to vomit.

Freaking Moody Blues.

And yes, I'm bitter. I'm very bitter.

Jaime Hungry said...

Um. I didn't win.
>.<

Alpha Za said...

Taking Notes

Sara said...

I just realized I'm older than you.

Gonna sit back and take notes, cause you, my friend, have wisdom.

It was July 28, 1996. I wanted to get married on that date but settled for July 21, 2001, a week earlier.

Another David said...

excuse me while i turn into a jackass for a minute

i like a little bit of dirty talk during sex, but i hate it when a girl tries to have, like, a goddamn conversation. worse yet, when it's not dirty talk, it's emotional crap. example: about a month ago, an ex and i were going at it, when she starts up with all this "i love spending time with you" bullshit. if i weren't so good at ignoring most of what she says, the situation could have gotten ugly.

k, i'm done being a jackass for a while.