I assure you- she isn't gone. I just haven't felt passionate enough about something to really bitch about. But today, lambwhores and goatsluts, I bring to you a question that rivals such important ones such as "chicken or egg" or "jesus versus monkeys".
WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE STUFFED ANIMALS IN THEIR VEHICLES?!
Seriously. You know what I'm talking about. This kind of asshole:
Seriously- every where I went today I got stuck behind some jackass with an entire back window full of stuffed animals. Some assholes have them in not only their back window, but their dashboard too. And the Garfield that sticks to the window that's older than me and hanging by dear life by rotting suction cups?? LAME.
What's the point? I mean, I know that some people like their cars to be an expression of who they are, which sometimes factor into the actual vehicle they drive. Like guys driving Hummers are typically beefed up white guys with the tribal art or barbed wire arm band tattoos. And I'm willing to bet they have shriveled dicks from years of "protein shakes" from trying to get all huge. It's all I can do to not ask if they are over-compensating for something.
In my own vehicle, which is a minivan that I don't personally feel fits my personality (but all the storage...and the extra seats sold me. That and the 6disc cd changer.), is adorned with things that remind me of my coolness. Like my "feel your boobies" and "sit down, buckle up and shut up" bumper stickers. These are things I say to people regularly anyways. I have mardi gras beads hanging from my mirror. My shamrock ones are from my recent trip to Chicago and the blue star one is Matt's first gift to me. He was drunk and was proud that he remembered, on our third night of dating (he was getting drunk at a bar while I was studying for a test) that my favorite color is blue. So I've got beads in there. I also have a TON of cds. My GPS system (Maggie...who's record is spotty at this point), my adapter to play my iPod, notebooks, coupon organizer, lotion, chapstick, hand sanitizer, baby wipes, air freshener. Not cool things is the basket of toys, diapers, and I'm pretty sure a lost sippy cup. But you won't see anything visible to the outside world that screams "loser" because I? Am not a loser.
I will say, that for the most part, it's old people with the stuffed animal addiction. Granted, I've also seen middle age people with this but today? I saw a kid in his mid 20's with a back window FULL of South Park characters. Now, I love me some South Park. I was watching that show when it first started so fuck all yall who think you're cool because you've seen the recent shit. I? Can speak like Cartman which I do when I haven't had a lot of sleep. But I would never, under any fucking circumstance, have a South Park stuffed animal. Let alone an entire back window full of them. What the fuck is wrong with you??
My brother says this kind of stuff is "gay", which I think is a complete fucking disgrace to gay people. I have known lots of gay people who would never resort to decorating a car with stuffed animals. Losers do that.
So I'm begging you, if you or someone you know is guilty of this- help them out. Obviously if it's you, you should be ashamed and you need to go out there right fucking now to remove them. Don't be a pussy. If it's someone you know I am giving you permission to vandalize the vehicle and remove them.
OK- so now that I have that rant off my chest (feel your boobies), what's in YOUR car? (See, it's like the Capital One commercials...get it??) (I'm low on sleep so pretend I said that in my best Cartman voice.)
OMG- they killed Kenny!!
OK- sorry. ;)