Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Proof is in your ass.

Let me just say that I don't know if I should be offended that some of you are demanding photographic proof of the siding on the back porch or if I should be flattered that you are so worried about the state of my house you want to make sure I'm not living in a trailer without wheels.

But you ask and I shall tickle your fancy with some house porn. (See those steps? They aren't attached to my house and yes, they are sinking. Obviously this proves my case that we need new ones. But see that board under my door??? It's step one in a deck. My panties are totally soaked because this is progress that did not require me nagging. Progress!!)

It's the least I can do for my little lambwhores.

Anyways. Tonight's post is not going to be about my house. Even though I could probably bang out some hilarity for you based on any room you choose! I could, I swear. Our house is like the movie Money Pit, minus the fire and stairs falling down. But who knows- that could all just be on their way.

No- tonight's post is an open letter to America. Really, this could be international but since I've only been "international" for an afternoon I don't think that counts. And really? I think Thunder Bay, Canada isn't REALLY international. (Dear Canadians: I love you if you love me. If not then you suck and your opinion doesn't count anyways.)

But what got me started on this was on my way home the other day, I saw this gem:

And for those of you who don't know, I live in Wisconsin. That's right- the cheese state. We have cows, bugs, farms, cheese, and a lot of beer. Nothing about our state says "gangsta". Nothing about our says "badass mo' fo's". Nothing about our state says "we'll cap yo ass". No. Our states says "we have beer and cheese and are mostly overweight. Come over for a cheesy tuna hot dish." When I see things like this, or the idiots with their pants hanging off their asses, or the people flashing signs that don't look like American Sign Language or people shouting across the gas station parking lots, "Imma get my nigga" I get irritated. Because we are in Wisconsin. We're not even an urban city in Wisconsin. Maybe you have a little more 'cred in Milwaukee with the murder rate, but seriously. We have under 30,000 people in town and even that is pushing it. And people can't even say I'm racist or doing a racial profile because the driver? Was clearly white. Whiter than me in January. And? He's blaring the classic rock radio station. Nothing says "gangsta" like Styx.
And awhile ago I wrote about how I hate when people put stuffed animals in the windows of their vehicles. I would link back but I'm too lazy to find it. But when I was driving in Duluth last weekend I saw these assholes. Now, because I didn't want to ram into their asses I couldn't get any closer, but if you look closely- they each have a raccoon stuffed animal strapped to their bags on the back.

Why? Why is this necessary? Does it make you more aerodynamic? Is it so you can identify your motorcycle? Do you feel more secure riding with a buddy? Are you hoping it'll cushion the blow when your fat ass (they really were super huge people) leans too far over causing you to crash into the ditch? Because I'm going to tell you something- anybody riding with stuffed animals is a loser. I'm sorry- there is no excuse for that.

Finally. This idiot lives by me somewhere. At least I can only assume since she turned onto the road almost t-boning me in the process since she was texting at approximately 8:30 in the morning. The ENTIRE van is painted and the back is littered with "Free Tibet" stickers and such. Now I'm sorry- I get that Tibet is having some problems. But I'm *pretty sure* this is not what they envision as the ideal advertisement for freeing Tibet.

Look, I'm all for being supportive of your political causes and such. But when your advertising is offensive and potentially a road hazard? Please don't. Because now you just look like an idiot. And I will shame you.

So here's my challenge to you. Bring your camera with you- take pictures of bad drivers, bad cars, etc and send them to me at slinkies_r_us@hotmail.com by the end of the month. I'll post them all on here and we'll have a contest of sorts. There may or may not be a prize involved- you'll just have to wait and see. :)

14 comments:

Ang said...

too funny Sara - I've driven through your stupid city (and trust me, it IS stupid or maybe I just had a bad experience)... not for one second would I imagine seeing a 'gansta'...
I'm totally keeping my eyes open for this shit now - Steve and I drive all the time... I'll be sending you something!

Mom Taxi Julie said...

I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with the first car. Is it the wheels? Looks about average around here lol.

jprp said...

dude! I work at a car wreckers! I'm playing whether you like it or not!

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

Hmm. Almost got t-boned today but someone driving for Quizno's. I actually should call them and inform them that their drivers are driving around with their advertising signs trying to kill people. She had a stop sign and I did not, therefore I had to right of way. And yet she cruised through the stop sign nearly hitting me.

I see all kinds of dumbass drivers. I definitely need to bring my camera with so I can take pics for you!

Simple Dude said...

Just curious... would the process of bringing a camera, digging it out and trying to snap a quality picture of some douchebag that cut me off while I am driving 60 miles an hour by default turn me into shitty driver? Just wondering... haha.

Great post - I am across da border from ya, over in MinneSOta. So we see some of the same a-holes that you do I am sure.

SD
http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

Nikolett said...

As a Canadian, I can say I love you haha :D Wowswers at that last van ... it's like an open invitation to get its tired slashed. My city is notorious for having ridiculously bad drivers, I will try to take some pics for you! Hope everything's going well :)

Another David said...

Gracias

Shirley said...

I am just barely wrapping my mind around your post title. Seriously, I was sitting here laughing for a solid 3 minutes when my husband came in the room to ask me if I was sucking the nitrous. You, my friend, are a genius.

Joie said...

Oh my gosh! I wish I had kept the photo I took on my phone while on the freeway!

It was rainy and gross - it IS Washington state.

It was a Jeep Cherokee, an older one, driving along. Ok. Nothing special. Except I could see every single article of clothing the lady driver had on. Why? Because there was no door. All the other three doors were there. Hers was not. It looked like it had been ripped off.

She was driving along knowing damn well that we were all looking. Hell, I was taking a photo. She just kept looking straight ahead. Like it was nothing.

Ah-freaking-mazing!

Smart Ass Sara said...

@Ang- Superior IS stupid and anyone having a good experience has never told me about it.

@Julie- really?

@jprp- play with me!

@Krysten- life lesson: carry camera at all times.

@simpledude- hey..we might be neighbors!

@Nikolett- of course I heart Canadians!

@David- um..your welcome. I think.

@Shirley- Putting things in your ass typically isn't funny..but hey- whatever rocks your socks,right?

@Joie- I saw the SAME thing in Chicago- except it wasn't raining. The guy was driving like a Honda Civic older than me.

Sadako said...

I know what you mean...I hate the stuffed animals in cars, too. Stuffies should have a good home! And if they don't, that's what Stuffed Animal Services are for!

My blog: dibblyfresh1.blogspot.com

Amber said...

Best trashy driver moment ever? My renter. Fuckers can't pay me rent, but can go out and get one of those horribel and EXPENSIVE car wraps fro their car, so now they drive around in a car that looks like a bag a Skittles!!

NO FUCKING SHIT!! It even has "Taste the Rainbow" on the side.

Fuckers.

Amber said...

Oh, and I love the back porch! Looks great. I need to print out the picture and post it on my fridge for inspiration for Joshua.

Moving my scrapbook room this weekend and I am gonna take some before/after pics. I will be sure to send you some for some inspiration to kick one of your kids out of thier rooms.

Haha. Just Kidding.

Or am I?

BeMistified said...

OMG I cannot stop laughing. People are looking at me weird because I am literally in hysterics with tears down my face. You rock! ♥ the post.

Not laughing at the house though, I am quite jealous of that. ~*sigh*~