I've had an eventful days when I thought it was going to be pretty plain jane.
I had to go and get a pap smear today. Now, if you're a woman and not masochistic, you know that this is dreaded. There is nothing pleasant about having a duck billed speculum shoved into your vagina so that it opens the whole thing up so they can use what looks like a triangle Q-tip to brush against your cervix. It takes less than a minute but it's a violation non the less.
But what made my visit even STRANGER is everything else that happened besides that. First off, when I got checked in I got a mini-lecture on how I need to be there EVERY year NO MATTER WHAT and I tried to explain that I am sure I was there last year. Nope, apparently my last visit was my 6 week after care appointment when I had Jackson. Whoopsy. Which is two years- not a decade people.
The nurse brings me into the room and tells me to undress from the waist down and unhook my bra. Standard. What's not standard is the fact she gave me no gown and not even the big piece of paper they call a sheet. No, nothing. So I start looking through all of the cupboards and I find a drawer of lube and speculums, but no sheets. I give myself the "See? This is why you should always have a sweater and aren't you smart for wearing one today" pep talk. Except that the sweater was to keep my arms, exposed from my sleeveless shirt, warm. So I'm half naked, bra dangling, and freezing. Because apparently they've cut back on sheets and heat since that room was not providing anything in the form of heat.
I wait 20 minutes.
In walks the Nurse Practitioner. And some people cringe but these NP's are way more thorough and you can actually ask questions. But this NP was way more thorough than a normal one so she's checking every hole out if you know what I mean. Which is weird but ok I guess. I mean, I don't want to have Anal Cancer I suppose. Even though Farrah Fawcett had that..... tell me you didn't laugh when they said "Anal Cancer" on tv. (Tell me that and I'll call you a dirty liar.)
Anyways. So I'm asking her questions and I guess I really am allergic to certain condoms, weird but good to know. She asks me about birth control but we rule out anything with a lot of estrogen otherwise my migraines will get worse, so no pill. She tries talking me into the NuvaRing which honest to god looks like a glow bracelet and I couldn't put that in there. I wanted to ask how the fuck you get it out without shoving your entire hand up there. And what if it got stuck on a penis when you're having sex? How do you discreetly say, "Oh snap- give me my jelly bracelet back" and shove it up in there? No. That's a MOOD KILLER. So I nix that option. I decide I'll have to stick with condoms which sucks but I don't want to get fat, have more migraines, or fist myself.
But while I'm getting my exam.... the NP starts asking me if I have vaginal dryness since having kids, which yeah-- I kind of assumed every one did. So she goes on and on about lubrication (even though I'm telling her I've got that covered), how I should tell my husband I need more foreplay (even though I tell her we've got that covered as well) and then... THEN... she opens my purse and puts, I'm not kidding, 50 packets of lube in there. For "later".
Are you kidding me?? Why don't you just throw in a vibrator and I'll be set.
So after my visit, I'm walking around knowing I have all this lube in my purse which is hilarious on its own, but then I had to go to a funeral afterwards. So I'm sitting in a church and I'm crying because the whole thing is really sad and it was the brother of my high school friend, he died of cancer at 24. Sad situation. But once I remembered I had a purse full of lube... in a church... I kind of started snickering. THANKFULLY, nobody sat next to me since I was in the back and the service was almost done. Totally inappropriate. And I would have taken the lube out, but then where do I put that so someone doesn't walk next to my van to see 50 packs of lube??? I mean come on- not the message I'm trying to send here.
That was my day. I put all the lube in our toy box so that I'm not walking around with it. FYI.