Monday, November 22, 2010

Check, Check, Vagina, One, Two

I've had an eventful days when I thought it was going to be pretty plain jane.

I had to go and get a pap smear today. Now, if you're a woman and not masochistic, you know that this is dreaded. There is nothing pleasant about having a duck billed speculum shoved into your vagina so that it opens the whole thing up so they can use what looks like a triangle Q-tip to brush against your cervix. It takes less than a minute but it's a violation non the less.

But what made my visit even STRANGER is everything else that happened besides that. First off, when I got checked in I got a mini-lecture on how I need to be there EVERY year NO MATTER WHAT and I tried to explain that I am sure I was there last year. Nope, apparently my last visit was my 6 week after care appointment when I had Jackson. Whoopsy. Which is two years- not a decade people.

The nurse brings me into the room and tells me to undress from the waist down and unhook my bra. Standard. What's not standard is the fact she gave me no gown and not even the big piece of paper they call a sheet. No, nothing. So I start looking through all of the cupboards and I find a drawer of lube and speculums, but no sheets. I give myself the "See? This is why you should always have a sweater and aren't you smart for wearing one today" pep talk. Except that the sweater was to keep my arms, exposed from my sleeveless shirt, warm. So I'm half naked, bra dangling, and freezing. Because apparently they've cut back on sheets and heat since that room was not providing anything in the form of heat.

I wait 20 minutes.

In walks the Nurse Practitioner. And some people cringe but these NP's are way more thorough and you can actually ask questions. But this NP was way more thorough than a normal one so she's checking every hole out if you know what I mean. Which is weird but ok I guess. I mean, I don't want to have Anal Cancer I suppose. Even though Farrah Fawcett had that..... tell me you didn't laugh when they said "Anal Cancer" on tv. (Tell me that and I'll call you a dirty liar.)

Anyways. So I'm asking her questions and I guess I really am allergic to certain condoms, weird but good to know. She asks me about birth control but we rule out anything with a lot of estrogen otherwise my migraines will get worse, so no pill. She tries talking me into the NuvaRing which honest to god looks like a glow bracelet and I couldn't put that in there. I wanted to ask how the fuck you get it out without shoving your entire hand up there. And what if it got stuck on a penis when you're having sex? How do you discreetly say, "Oh snap- give me my jelly bracelet back" and shove it up in there? No. That's a MOOD KILLER. So I nix that option. I decide I'll have to stick with condoms which sucks but I don't want to get fat, have more migraines, or fist myself.

But while I'm getting my exam.... the NP starts asking me if I have vaginal dryness since having kids, which yeah-- I kind of assumed every one did. So she goes on and on about lubrication (even though I'm telling her I've got that covered), how I should tell my husband I need more foreplay (even though I tell her we've got that covered as well) and then... THEN... she opens my purse and puts, I'm not kidding, 50 packets of lube in there. For "later".

Are you kidding me?? Why don't you just throw in a vibrator and I'll be set.

So after my visit, I'm walking around knowing I have all this lube in my purse which is hilarious on its own, but then I had to go to a funeral afterwards. So I'm sitting in a church and I'm crying because the whole thing is really sad and it was the brother of my high school friend, he died of cancer at 24. Sad situation. But once I remembered I had a purse full of lube... in a church... I kind of started snickering. THANKFULLY, nobody sat next to me since I was in the back and the service was almost done. Totally inappropriate. And I would have taken the lube out, but then where do I  put that so someone doesn't walk next to my van to see 50 packs of lube??? I mean come on- not the message I'm trying to send here.

That was my day. I put all the lube in our toy box so that I'm not walking around with it. FYI.

20 comments:

Shirley said...

How awesome would it have been if someone asked you for a tissue and you open your purse and all your lube had fallen out?

Jess said...

OMG...I am still laughing!!!! The 50 packs of lube...seriously, how could you not giggle at the thought of them chillin' in your purse!
Sorry you had to attend a funeral though.
Jess

Mr O said...

It's time like these I'm thankful I'm not a female and have to go through this stuff. Although I guess my uncomfortable times will come when I get older from what I've heard.

Though a funeral is obviously sad, I was thinking this was going to go mildy-entertaining-comedy route and you dropped the lube in the church. Would have been a great ending.

jprp said...

pap smears are awesome are they not?! pfft! fun fact; my last PS, I wore leggings and a dress... at the end, i wanted to get out so badly that i put my leggings and underware on back the front and had to drive home like that!

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

Dude, lube's expensive. I'm kind of jealous.

And only you would be walking around with a purse full of lube. That's awesome.

Jennifer Kay said...

Why am I horrified by nothing other than the fact that you had to be standing/sitting there with no gown or sheet? I would have DIED.

Boobs sitting on my lap don't feel like boobs on my lap when I'm covered up with a one-ply piece of surgical paper.

prettylittlereckless said...

hilarious! Thankfully the nurses I've been to haven't been completely up in my biznass like that.

If I were you though, I would've been tempted to leave a pkt of lube on the church bench though ;)

Shutterbug Mama said...

That was AWESOME! If I had an experience like that...I don't know what i'd do.

Danielle said...

I can honestly say I don't think I would have undressed with no sheet. lol. Yeah, I'm that insecure. The purse full of lube is freakin hilarious, and I feel like this stuff would only happen to you! lol! xoxo

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Lost said...

Wow... interesting day then huh?

I feel I know you so much better... that we are that much closer... after reading that post!

Odie Langley said...

Mr O and I are sure blessed to be guys and not have to go through lots of the stuff you gals do like your experience and mamograms and the such. Also seems migraines are more common to females, I know it is in my family with my wife and daughters. I am sorry you have to deal with migraines and also sorry for the loss of the very young friend. Hope today is much better.

Jean Has Been Shopping said...

That is some crazy shit, like a Seinfeld episode.

Gini said...

Wow....strange day.

I will vouch for the Nuva Ring. You don't even feel it and it stays put. No fisting involved, at most I had to put a couple fingers in to move it into place. (Aren't you hot and bothered now?) And actually, I forgot it was in there a bunch of times and Hubs would suddenly be "wearing" it. Like a ring toss! It was HILARIOUS. And super easy to put it back in after sex, your vag just slurps it up!

Canadianbloggergirl said...

Wow on the no sheet thing! But it doesn't surprise me. I went to get dye put in my tubes when I was trying to get preggers, and the nurse didn't give me a sheet. I'm in this awful position that is totally uncomfortable, and usually that position is only kept for my hubby. Anywho....the doctor walks in reading my chart but the door to the hallway of the hospital is completely ajar, and people were walking by! Can you say Hi! Meet my va-jay-j!

CBG
canadianbloggergirl.blogspot.com

Mom Taxi Julie said...

Omg you are such a nut lol

Just Plain Tired said...

You know, I have absolutely no input here. None whatsoever. Nada. Zip.

But I do want wish you and your family a happy Thanksgiving.

Dairy Queen said...

Your posts make me feel normal :)

Ann said...

That would only happen to you. Hi-larious.

Amber said...

That minute in those stirrups is the longest minute of any chicks life. Unless its that minute when you decide to let your partner do anal for the first time and you decide you don't like it.

Yeah, it's like that.

I totally got the giggles at the lube thing. I am laughing here and my husband and his three friends are in the kitchen staring at me. "Whats so fucking funny" one asks. "Oh, my friend Sara is walking around with 50 things of lube in her purse....that's all.

"She single?"

"Shut the fuck up Dave....."

Men suck sometimes.