Honestly- I couldn't even think of a better title, so let's go with what we're talking about.
On Friday, I was watching Dr. Phil. And now while I think he's kind of nuts most of the time he says things that make sense- just goes about it in a weird and confusing way. But basically on Friday he had some interesting guests on. First off you have a wife, who's angry and hostile. Then you have a husband, who is kind of dick head material but is clearly sick of wife's angry and hostile crazy. Then you have the mistress who is in love, but doesn't want to rock the boat. And then you have Holly Hill, author of the book Sugar Babe. I haven't read the book but I want to. It's on my ridiculously huge list.
But the gist of Holly's argument is that variety is the spice of life. Just because you're married does not mean that you have to live an unhappy and possibly unfulfilled sex life. Some people require a lot of sex. Some only require hand jobs. Some like to watch/look at porn. Some just want to go out with somebody different with no strings attached. Her view is that, if you love your partner, you should be willing to be accommodating to them. Even to the extent of allowing them to sleep with other people, go out on dates, watch/look at porn, etc as long as you come to some basic agreements. Which is called negotiated infidelity. Basically- as long as you know about it, and have given permission it's ok as long as they stay within the barriers you've set up. (Examples like no cuddling, nobody hotter than your partner, nobody with a high social status, etc)
It's also called an open marriage/relationship.
And to be honest? I'm torn. I can see it from both sides. While people get married with the intentions of being with that person only and you expect them to be faithful... sometimes it just doesn't happen. Sure, everybody goes into it with a positive attitude. But life happens. Kids happen. People change. You might not want to leave that person but in the back of your head you sometimes think about the guy you saw at the coffee shop. It's not like you want to start a relationship- you just want something new and different. How many marriages or relationships have ended because someone has stepped out? And when you really look at the reasons? It's not because their stressed out at work, sick of dealing with teenagers, having a bad day... it's because it was new. And forbidden. And they thought they could do it once and be done. But they get caught and all hell breaks loose.
I don't know if I'd ever agree to let Matt step out of our marriage. I do know that after being with him for eight years, married for six, things certainly are not like they were. We don't love each other any less, at least I don't, but it isn't nearly as exciting as it once was. Because life has happened and it makes it hard. And our own interests changed. It happens. And I don't know if I'd really be able to have sex with someone other than my husband. It might be nice in theory...but maybe when it got down to it, I'd chicken out. I don't know.
But here's what I know. Ladies- if you are making your husbands ask you to watch or look at porn? You have some serious self esteem issues that you should have worked out long ago. Dang. You know he can't snag a porn star and nor would he really want to. It's a damn fantasy and get over it. Enjoy it with him and you'll both be happy. There is NOTHING wrong with your partner, lambwhores and goatsluts, if your husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend hangs out with someone of the opposite sex. Seriously. If you don't trust your partner enough to do that then you have bigger issues at stake. I do nothing and go nowhere without Matt knowing what I'm doing and who I'm with and where we'll be because I respect him as my husband. Not because he demands to know. He trusts me to not do anything stupid, and if I did he knows I'd fess up. I haven't yet and don't think I will.
With that- have I been cheated on? Yes. Have I ever cheated on anyone? No. And when I think back at the times I've been cheated on.... it's not the physical act that angers me. It's the fact that my partner didn't tell me they needed more from me. That they didn't give me the chance to be a partner for them. If you step out on your marriage or long term relationship it's because you aren't getting something from the one you're with. And if that's the case- you should talk to your partner. And maybe they won't be able or willing to step up in that area... and in that case I see where an open relationship would make sense.
So while everyone in the audience of Dr. Phil was appalled and crucifying Holly Hill- I was at home cheering for her. It's not that she's saying to sleep around and be a free balling whore- it's that if you aren't adult enough to communicate with your partner what's working, what's not, what you need more of, etc.... then MAYBE you shouldn't be in a relationship.
I'm curious to hear what you all think. It's definitely a polarizing topic but I can at least see both sides of the fence. Even though I'm not sure what side would be better to be on.