Friday, December 31, 2010

And to close out your year.... it's Dear Sara!

Hey lambwhores! I have something kind of cool to announce before I get into my questions for the evening. So... I've been seeing a lot of blog awards going around and most of them suck. And since I don't suck I figured I should think of an award. And so I kind of did, but my girlie Nikolett, who made my banner, my button, and is my secret Canadian lover... made me the award.

Isn't it divine? It's clearly a fainting goat (appropriate). And so I don't know when I'll be giving these out. But as I read your blogs I'll be thinking about which blog really made me laugh my ass off. And then I'll award it. So yeah. BUT it's only fitting that NIKOLETT gets the first one. I mean, she doesn't even blink and eye when I ask her to do these things for me. (Fun fact- guess how hard it is to find a picture of a lamb vagina? I suggest you not even Google that. It's very upsetting.)

So.. let's get it on baby!

1. Is it ever okay to lick the snot from your baby's face? (this just grosses the shit out of me, but it comes from a story I heard a couple of days ago of a breastfeeding mother) Jigga say what? No. No- this is never ok. It's also never ok to pick your own boogers and eat them. I also think it's fucking disgusting that people will try the breastmilk to see if the baby will like it. Um, yeah. The baby will like it because it's all you're giving it. Jesus. Now, if the baby had to choose between boobie juice or Pepsi... then you taste try. But no. Don't try this. And while we're on the subject- I have a real problem with these earthy grainy whackadoodles who grind up their placenta and put it in pill form after a birth. I have read no less than three blog entries this month on that and that? Is fucking disgusting. Nothing about that is natural. Do you honestly think that pilgrims and shit were saving their placentas and eating them? No. At most they buried it and hoped the crops grew better. But nobody should be eating that shit. Your body expels it. Why don't you eat your own shit? Huh? No. It's all gross. And babies are cute, especially mine, but no. I would never lick my kid's faces or their boogers. Nasty shit.

2. What is your most embarrassing moment in public? Hm.. that's good. Well as a kid I sat on a fire ant hill and my mom stripped me completely naked on the side of US-19. I was like 2 or 3 I think. I actually remember where I sat, what the building looked like, the stroller with my brother in it, cars whizzing by and honking. But as an adult? It would hands down be The Poop Incident. Not only was it embarrassing to walk out of that bathroom covered in shit in various spots so the school secretary could see it, but then to explain it to the mom's waiting for us in the toddler class. It also would be filed under "memorable parenting moment". Seriously.

3. You mentioned that you left the job from hell so that you didn't go postal on somebody. What do you do at the new job and what are the people like there? My official title is Campus Bookstore Technician, and I work at the technical college I graduated from. I actually worked there as a work study while I was going to school and I loved it. I'm only part time, I have flexible hours, but I love it. Basically my job is to help organize books, order books, put books away, restock, help customers, merchandising, etc. Everything that goes into the day-to-day upkeep of a bookstore. It's only my boss and I, and we work really well together. She is, hands down, the best boss I have ever had. The people there are all happy to be at work, they all like what they do, they are all really nice and friendly. It makes coming to work a lot of fun and I miss not being there. It's such a 180 from my last job that being there makes me realize how completely fucked up that other place was.

4. I have a group of 5 friends that I would call my best friends. We've only become a friend group in the last year or so, and not all of the girls hang out/talk outside of our group get togethers and stuff. There has been a falling out between three of the girls and I remain friends with all of them, except now it's really hard because I feel like I have to chose hanging out with the one girl, or the other two. They both make me feel guilty if they know I hung out with the other one. What do I do? Well, I hate to tell you this, but this is the nature of girls and friendships. It comes and goes. I'd like to say it gets better with age, and since I don't know how old you are... that won't help. But I'm 28 and I will tell you that it still happens. But here's the deal- you need to figure out what happened, what exactly caused the falling out? I would bet my left boob that it was a lack of communication because 75% of the time that's what fights are about. So get the girls together and you be the mediator. Someone is going to get called out for being the head douche and that sucks. Nobody wants to be the head douche, but whoever it is needs to grow up and apologize. And move on. I think the problem is that people don't always know when they fuck up so they won't recognize it's them who should apologize. I'm a firm believer that if you feel wronged, you need to let that person know. Now, if they turn it around on you.... you probably don't want to be their friend. If they say, "Wow, I'm really sorry I didn't even think about that.." then you know you have a good friend who realizes that sometimes you just have to apologize and mean it. But you have to do something because just letting them make you feel bad is only going to drive you nuts and that's not fair.

5. What was your favorite 2010 memory? Oh that's way easy. It will definitely be the Kings of Leon concert in Chicago. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a huge fan of Kings of Leon, I love road trips, I love hanging out with friends, and I love Chicago. And this trip combined it all so you know it was going to be epic no matter what. But that was the second time I saw them live and it was so beautiful. It was night, it was raining, there was lightening behind them, I sang along to every song, we were covered in mud, I laughed, it was great. And I love their new album and am already anticipating a KOL concert in 2011. If they don't tour.... I'll be sad. But I think they will- you can tell they enjoy touring and they are amazing live.
**

Ok whores. It's time for me to watch a movie or something, write some thank you's and eat some ice cream. Next week Dear Sara will be done via webcam... so get your questions ready and email them to: slinkies_r_us@hotmail.com. Any and all, baby!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Why I Hate McDonald's.

I am having a bad day today and McDonald's is going to get the brunt of it. Even though my day is revolving around the shit and urine of a 2 1/2 year old boy who yesterday was doing a great job thinks it's hilarious to pee on me even after I gagged at 7am after getting my hand covered in shit that was in his underwear because I am not coherent enough when I first wake up to deal with poop. I can't do it.

Anyways.

Tonight's rant is about McDonald's. And how I have hit my mother effing limit with them and their stupid.

I have become addicted to fountain soda. I am a Pepsi girl through and through but the cheapest place for me to feed this addiction is McDonald's and they only have Coke. So I unhappily settle as I sip the fizzy bubbles and feel happy abut the perfect combination of syrup, carbonation, ice and plastic straw all come together. Almost every day that I work I stop and get myself a large Coke because it'll last me the four hours I'm at work and if it doesn't I have some water to hold me over. No biggie.

But almost every single fucking time I go there, I order (loudly and clearly) "A large REGULAR Coke. And that's it." Sometimes I they get it right. Sometimes. More often than not, I get to the window and almost immediately I see that they gave me a Diet Coke. Which I'm sorry Diet Coke drinkers of the world- you're drinking what I would assume watered down, carbonated diarrhea tastes like. It's shit and nobody should be drinking that. And it's offensive because it's the same people working the drive through EVERY fucking day. And every fucking day I have to say, "Yeah- I ordered a regular. This is diet. Your job isn't hard."

And I know it's not hard because bitches- I did my time in fast food. I spent a good 7 years spent at Dairy Queen, Culvers, and the Kmart eatery. You don't even need to know how to read to work these jobs. Yet somehow... these people struggle.

The kicker was the last time there was a Coke fiasco and they guy had the mother fucking BALLS to say, "Well I just assumed..." and stopped. He's lucky I'm strapped into my vehicle because I was already pissed off at the guy who ran a red light and almost killed me and the kid who banged into my door as I sat parked waiting to order. But I reply with, "What? What exactly did you assume, asshole? And before you even say anything, just think about it first." So he opens his mouth and tries, "Well, it's just that most... or you looked... I..." and I cut him off with "Buddy- any way you finish any of those sentences is going to get you bitch slapped. I want my regular Coke and I want it now." I did and I got a coupon for a free cone. Which great, because their ice cream thing is almost always down. So that's totally useless.

But last night we were heading out to Matt's parent's house for their party. We had just come from a restaurant, but since it's a long drive and I was tired, I asked Matt to stop. I wanted my Coke, a cone, and two bags of cookies for the kids. That's it.

They have this new system where there's a guy who comes on immediately and is like, "Welcome to McDonald's, how can I help you?" He is always really friendly and nice. You would assume you can start ordering.

And you would assume wrong.

Because Matt starts saying our order and half way through a lady is like, "Hang on." Um.. yeah. WTF? We wait. And wait. I believe two full minutes goes by and Matt is like, "Uh.... hello?" And a totally different lady is like, "Yeah?" So he starts going with his order. A third strange lady gives us a total, which is clearly wrong because the screen has our stuff plus two sandwiches, which we aren't ordering. At this point, I'm laughing hysterically in my "what the fuck is wrong with people" laugh and Matt is PISSED.

We get to the window, get a totally different total and Matt wants them to repeat the order. So she does, it's right, we pay. OK. Drive to the second window. They had me a bag with the cookies and the ice cream cone which clearly has started melting all over the place. And of course, a Diet Coke.

I must have had the homicidal gleam to my eye because Matt handled that shit. Probably because I yelled at him for the Diet Coke Asshole snafu previously and he doesn't want to have our license plates pegged when we go through. I get it.

Then Matt asks for extra napkins because my ice cream is now on my seat, my jacket and my purse and I am sucking on it for dear life and honestly. My mouth just isn't that big.

(In hindsight, I can see how that sentence will look badly later.)

But the lady is staring at Matt as if she has no idea what a napkin is. He has to hold up the one covered in ice cream and is like, "More... these... now" and she gets it. Seriously. If you can't speak English? Probably shouldn't be working a drive through in Wisconsin. I'm just saying. So she gives him one more and by this time we're running late so we just go.

The whole thing could have been avoided if they had non-idiots working the joint. Why would the guy pretty much command us to start ordering if nobody is actually taking the order? What the fuck is going on??? And before you McDonald's lovers jump all up in my shiz- I will just reiterate that I get it. I did my fast food time. I have worked a drive through, ALONE, during a rush hour and I was taking orders, taking cash, making drinks, shakes, blizzards, etc, filling the ice cream/custard machines, re-stocking my area all at fucking once. I've taken orders while running through the store grabbing things I need. It can be done. But you have these dickweasels who can't even take one order. We were the ONLY car in drive through. Come on.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Why bother changing?

Every year in December I start thinking about goals and things I want to do in the next year. Not really resolutions because I'm not resolving anything, but every year I have a few things I'd like to do.

Last year my main goal was to lose some weight and I have. Quite a bit actually. I'm down a lot AND I've kept it off. Obviously one of my goals is going to be to lose some more weight and I have a bigger reason to do that instead of just being fit.

Folks... this chick? Is going to do a boudoir shoot. I know. I'm kind of pissing myself thinking about it. And at first I had no idea what it really was but yeah.. then I Google'd that shit and I promptly stopped eating the pizza rolls with a side of cookies. Because yeah. I need to lose weight for that. I don't know any of the final things such as date, pricing, whatever but I know I can't spend more than $200 total. I just can't. But I'm excited anyways to say that I did it.

Preferably before I'm wrinkly and stuff starts moving south. Well, more south.

Anyways. But I have other goals for this year.


And keep in mind- this is my last full year before I turn 30... so my 30/30 list? I need to get cracking on that shit. So here's what is on the menu for 2011:

-Camping in a tent this summer. I'm scared of big animals that can eat me if they want. This is going to be a full weekend thing in northern Wisconsin- probably Brule so I can also get my canoeing off the list the same weekend.
-I also want to go to Vegas. I'm going to plan for August because Matt has his birthday then, I prefer heat, and so yeah. I'd like to go then. AND I can get my helicopter ride AND Grand Canyon visit off of there at the same time.
-Canada...somewhere. I need to travel internationally and this is the most plausible for our budget, which is close to nothing. But I need to do it. I even have my passport paperwork filled out!
-I need to find a cool waterfall in Minnesota/Wisconsin/Michigan to see. Then I can road trip with Matt to see it. Cross two things off at once.
-I need to learn piano. Or something. I just want to learn one song. Eventually I'd like to learn more but one song is all that is required for my list.
-This? Is the year of the 5K. I've been trying to run. Really, I have. I just am not equipped to run very far. I can do maybe 5 minutes max before I feel like I am going to die and my boobs will bounce off of my body. So I am going to say I just have to complete a walk/run 5K. And so my job this winter is to find one near me and sign myself up. And then show up and not embarrass the fuck out of myself.
-Matt is going to take my skiing somewhere around here for a day. He's pretty confident I'm going to suck and embarrass him and I'm just going to proclaim (for the first time ever..) that he's right. I suck at any kind of athletics so I'm going to make a fucking fool out of myself and come back looking like a domestic violence victim on my ass. I just know it. But he's an awesome skier so he said he'll try his best to not let me die or get run over by toddlers on a bunny hill.

OK. So my 2011 is fucking FULL. I am at the slight panic mode thinking I won't be able to fit it all in. I'm going to try really hard because I want to finish everything on my 30/30. It's my main goal.

And here's the fun thing. As I start planning all of these things.... I'm going to post it on my blog. And if you want to... you can join me. But here's where you come in:

- Do you know of a kick ass waterfall in Minnesota, Wisconsin, or Michigan? Let me know and I'll see where I can afford to go.

- What are your tips for traveling CHEAP to Vegas? If you have an in, now is your time to be my bestie.

OK. So now I'm off to the calendar to see when we can get this all in. Yikes.

Monday, December 27, 2010

..And back to our regularly scheduled bitchiness.

Now that the holidays are over and I'm dropping blatant hints that I want Matt to start bringing me the decoration boxes so I can pack this shit up.... I feel like I can go back to my regular bitchiness. I don't have to be happy and nice because baby Jeebus was working his way out of a virginal vagina.

And so I'm back.

At first I had no idea what I was going to post about tonight. Today is the first day of Jackson's potty training and I am a bit flabbergasted that I have hardly anything to report. Two accidents and nothing in the potty which leads me to believe he can not only hold his poop like Olivia but he can hold urine too! YAY for future doctor visits. Hoping tomorrow we'll do better.

But then I signed into Facebook which is glorious because people are readily advertising how stupid and lame they are. Of my 239 friends I have five whose every single status update is letting us all know how much their life sucks. It's either their boyfriend, their living situation, their parents, their phone, or their friends. It's something all of the time. And all of them are under 25. And I think back and hope to fucking baby Jeebus and the virginal vagina that I wasn't like this.

And honestly? I don't remember being that way. Sure- there was the time in eighth grade where my friend asked out the boy I had the biggest crush on (she knew it), right in front of me (blatantly pissing on the girl code), and yeah... that sucked. But beyond that.... I don't remember a time that I was at home crying over a boy. Sure, I wanted to but my parents were more of the, "shut up and grow up you baby" type when it came to that and I've just carried that on as an adult.

So when these people are all like, "I wish you knew how much you hurt me" I just really very badly want to respond with, "Is it the herpes? They have cream for that." Or, "Waa... life is so unfair and hard!" Um, it's called school. It's not that fucking hard. I bet a third of your graduating class can't read and they probably have better grades than you. But it's the boyfriend/girlfriend shit. They date someone and by date 3 they are in love. If this is you? Then it's proof you don't know what love is in the first place. Just because you date someone, and they stop seeing you, and you cry? Doesn't mean you were in love. It means you're stupid and someone confirmed it by saying they don't like you. It's ok. It's going to happen a lot more. Even once you're married there is a good chance it'll continue. It just irritates me. Because really? If you are 18 and younger? You have not a fucking clue what a relationship actually is. Ages 19-23ish you start learning but it's not quite there yet. It's not until you are a self sufficient adult, relying on nobody but yourself for anything, do you appreciate what a relationship is and how much work it is. And I say this as a person who was engaged at 17, then again at 20, married at 22, baby at 23, almost divorce at 25, baby at 26. I get it.

But honestly? It's driving me nuts. Especially when these people are bitching that their mom won't let them go out on Friday night when I? Have real problems. Such as:

-My living room wall has a giant crack
-My laundry room is fucking ghetto as shit and I still don't have a working laundry sink
-I still have an outrageous vet bill
-My refrigerator smells weird and the baking soda isn't cutting it. There are no leftovers, in fact- nothing in there smells like the smell does. I don't know what to do and it's pissing me off.
-I just got my Social Security statement emphasizing I should be saving for retirement
-Which is difficult because we ate scrambled eggs for dinner to save money on groceries so I can pay the utilities
-Jackson and Olivia both need new clothes because again, they've grown taller and not wider. I would much prefer wider. I'm equipped for wider. I'm not equipped for taller.
-My webcam speaker thingie is ghetto and I need Matt's techie help and he's addicted to Xbox. Which is my fucking fault.

And this? This is just from today. TODAY you whiny bitches on Facebook. Seriously.

So yeah. That's kind of been making me a wee bit stabby today.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

More Christmas.

Folks- our Christmas was busy, insane, and full of garbage. Literally. Both of our cans is full. But I am going to give you as many pictures as I can so you can see how our Christmas Day went down:

First, we woke up. Wait-- let me back up.

I need to tell you that Olivia? Is terrible at keeping secrets. She's almost worst than me when it comes to surprises. We just can't handle it. So last year when she came down and woke us all up with the presents spread out I knew this year I had to fix that.

So Matt installed the baby gate at the top of the stairs. And at 7 am we heard both kids screaming, "MOM!!! Help!!! We're trapped!!"

Bwahahaha!!

But we went and got them at 7:30 and they were back in the rooms pretending to be sleeping. Turds. So here they are coming into the living room:
 Both kids were thrilled. Because we're broke this year our Christmas was slimmed down but each kid ended up getting 7 things total from Santa. Here is Olivia with the coveted Polly Pockets. Both kids love these and you can't have enough accessories. <-- Life lesson right there.
Jackson lost his shit over getting the Toy Story 3 movie. He started jumping up and down and shoving it in everyone's face. HAHA!! It was pretty damn cute.
 The big deal for me was the gift I got Matt. I have been DYING to squeal, even to all of you, what I got him since Black Fucking Friday. We normally don't exchange gifts because we can't afford it and we don't need anything. But this year? I knew I had to get something awesome. He really did a lot this year, not just for the family but for me. For one, he let me quit my full time job where I was bringing in great money to eventually take on a part time job which is great and I love. I'm not making that much less actually but still. For awhile we had no idea what we were going to do but we both knew I couldn't keep going back to the bitch hole that was my other job. And then he started working 70 hours a week because we needed the money. And then we had the whole Lenny situation.

So I knew I wanted to do something big. So I partnered up with my brother, who fronted the money for an Xbox 360. Not only did he front the money- but he was at Target at 3 am to stand in line and get it. I've had this gift under the tree since then and I've been DYING to not drop any hints. But I did such a good job and Matt's face made it totally worth it.
 So after doing Christmas at our house we went to my mom's house which is only a few blocks away. Holy shit- she did SO MUCH for the kids. My mom spoils them more than I do and by the time they got there the kids were in heaven.

Olivia got a bunch of cool stuff but she was excited about a big girl puzzle:
 Jackson got a toy microphone so they can do "shows" for my mom:
 And both kids got bath robes which was hilarious because they were SUPER excited about them. My brother got them little 3 wheel scooters so they were excited. Matt will have to put them together soon and they can practice inside before spring and they go outside.

I got my brother a marshmallow shooter gun (and sadly, I tried HARD to get one for my friend Matt but they are no where to be found. I'm seriously bummed because that thing? Is full of fucking awesome.) Anyways. Here's my mom's house an hour after we got there. Totally trashed.
 Oops- Jackson got a bunch of train stuff so he's totally set. He was really excited.
Can we talk about how much I hate opening toys and putting them together? Because Santa brought Olivia a Barbie Cruise Ship (that came with a disco ball and a six pack. Seriously.) and the amount of stickers to put on it? INSANE. It took me an hour to put that piece of bitch together and get the stickers put on the right way. Then when I got to my mom's house I had to put together a Barbie Vacation Home and again, the stickers were killing me. And the fact they showed the three bulb light fixture in different rooms doesn't help. Because it ultimately ended up going in a room not pictured. Get it right you stupid Chinese kids! Fuckers.

Anyways. Every year I try to get a picture with my brother because I love him so and he's awesome. He's easily one of my favorite people and one of the ones I have the most fun with. Why yes, I AM wearing my Griswold Family Christmas shirt.... :)
 Then I try to get one with Matt. But we never take a serious one because he's too cool for school so here's the boob grab picture.
And yes. I should maybe tell you what I got this year, hmm??

Well.

I got..

1. A nook (do you have one? We need to share books.)
2. A black pearl necklace from my mom (gorgeous)
3. A set of cherry measuring spoons AND cups from my parents (love these!!!)
4. An Edward/Robert Pattinson doll from Kate. Love it. He's obviously my date for the Breaking Dawn movie in November.
5. A bunch of other stuff I loved and needed that you won't care about.

But most importantly......

This bitch got a WEBCAM. That's right whores! I'm coming to a blog near you live! Well, not really live.. but kind of. You'll get to see more of my crazy. Once I figure out how to to work the fucking thing I'll be doing my Dear Sara posts via that. At least those. We'll see.

But I can't do a Dear Sara without questions. Email them. Now. slinkies_r_us@hotmail.com

Saturday, December 25, 2010

It's Over. THANK GOD.

Folks, I'm glad Christmas is over. The last two days has been a complete marathon and it has only proven that I am no where near the shape I need to be in. At least to do Christmas with kids and a shit load of running around. Let's recap my last THREE days... shall we?

Thursday:
  • Figuring out what I have left to get for Christmas. Since apparently, I wasn't as done as I had previously thought I was in my semi-awake delirium.  
  • Pizza party with my Grandparents, kids, Matt, and my brother. We did a pizza/movie thing as our gift and it turned out to be really fun. Then we went and saw the movie Yogi Bear in 3D. It was pretty cute for being a kid movie.
Before the movie the kids wanted to ride these little rides outside of the theatre. Superior has a mall and it's not really a mall. There are maybe 5 stores in there. There's room for more but it's like every time a business goes in there it's doomed to die. So these rides have been there since at least the 80's.

I had to get a picture of the kids with their 3D glasses because they referred to them as sunglasses. It was pretty funny since Jackson thought he was hot shit with them.
Since we had so many people with us and few hands, carrying all of the popcorn, drinks, kids, and booster seats was kind of tricky. Especially when you have someone like me that once I start carrying things I start laughing. Uncontrollably and hysterically. To the point where I actually thought I was going to pee myself. But I managed to get what I had to our seats without spilling. But then I spilled most of the popcorn in my brother's lap trying to get some in the little bowls I brought for the kids.

Then the movie started and right away Jackson covered his ears. Any time something is loud- he covers his ears. It's so cute actually. He'd uncover one ear to get some popcorn but his hands would go right back up. And this was his first movie. He made it all the way until the last 15 minutes or so. Which wasn't bad.
  • After the movie we got the kids home and into bed. Then I met up with a friend from high school for dessert and conversation. It was so good to catch up with her, talk about the ten year reunion, etc. We ended up hanging out for four hours at Applebee's so that was fun.
Friday:
Well Friday was kind of insane. First off, I had a ton of last minute gifts to buy. Mostly because I got paid on Friday and I needed part of my paycheck to do that. So we had to stop at Walmart first to get some groceries I needed for Saturday. While I was there I realized that every freak in Superior was out and they were all at Walmart at 10am. I had one guy who ran around the store screaming Christmas carols at the top of his lungs and banging on my cart as he ran by. I had one woman pick up something in my cart and demanded to know where I found it. It was a toy so I told her that clearly, I found it in the toy department. Asshole. Then I gave up on a few things because so many people just stop their carts in the aisle and chat. Hi. If you are one of these people I automatically hate you. I was getting socks for Olivia and I've got my cart between two racks of clothing, nowhere near an aisle. All of a sudden, this lady comes and slams into my cart. She then proceeds to tell me to "watch where the fuck I'm going" and starts muttering in some nonsense language. I'm looking at her like she's just landed on the planet and say, "Really? Please tell me you have a mental health issue and are sucking up my taxes by being on Social Security." She starts talking in some bizarre language and then uses her cart as a skateboard. Um... WTF? I then get to the checkout only to have the cashier be super annoying. Like.. she's got a full Christmas ugly get up complete with a blinking nose and proceeds to start her necklace, which sings the Rudolph song, every time she starts a new transaction. Charming.

After that madhouse, we went up to Duluth. We had lunch at Wendy's, I stopped at Barnes & Noble to get a few gifts, then I sucked it up and paid to have someone wrap them since I had no time to run home and do it.

Then we drove out to Matt's parent's house. We spent the afternoon watching movies, had dinner, did gifts, and got home before the kids had a total meltdown.

When we got home I had a ton of cleaning to do, Matt put the baby gate up (more on that...tomorrow), we got presents arranged, the Santa cookie crumbs out, Matt chewed up carrots as proof reindeer were here, and we went to bed. Right before midnight.

Today:
I'll share pictures tomorrow, but the quick and dirty. We did gifts here, had a fun time. Then we went to my parent's house where the boys helped with a leak crisis, unwrapped more presents, had dinner, visited with grandparents, did even more presents, got home, kids to bed, I've cleaned up, written thank you notes, organized crap to get put away tomorrow, and now? I'm exhausted.

If I had more gumption I'd get stuff ready to take the Christmas shit down tomorrow. But I don't. I have a MAJOR task of cleaning kid rooms tomorrow and it's not going to be pretty. Thankfully.. Matt is home to kind of help or at least keep the kids out of my way, so we'll see. Next week? Is insane. I'm secretly glad I'm off of work until Jan. 3 now. *sigh*

Before I share what I got (tomorrow)..... what did you get? :)

Friday, December 24, 2010

You might be drunk on egg nog... but it's Dear Sara time!

Evening lambwhores! Yes- it's Christmas Eve so I hope that if you celebrate today you are getting mighty sloshed on egg nog right now and if you celebrate tomorrow that you aren't because otherwise you'll be throwing up instead of partying.

Anyways- it's Dear Sara time bitches! This week? You people sent only a few questions. You better step this shit up for next week.

1. I know you've answered a question about online dating, but honestly (and desperately) I've tried that. I'm a 20 year old college student - not old enough to go to bars/out to meet guys.. which is my dilemma. I see advice on blogs and online magazines/newspapers on "How to Meet Awesome Frat Party Dudes!!" - yeah, two things. 1- I know those frat guys (I'm in a sorority), they're gross and I wouldn't consider going near them and their STD infested penises and 2- all of the advice is crap and is nothing anyone should use in real life. Do you have any non-general/bullshit advice that might actually work to find a half decent man? Honestly, it's getting really depressing to not have a sex life(not like I want freaky-18-partners-at-a-time-sex or anything.. but I am considering buying from the sex shop you posted about). Please help! My first piece of advice is going to be to not find a douche in a bar. I don't know if you're familiar with Tucker Max but if you aren't- you need to get yourself is books and read up. Because that? Is what you are going to find 99% of the time. You're right- frat party dudes are mostly disgusting and disease infested. Avoid them. So basically.... my advice would be a few things:
  • Be yourself. Seriously. It sounds basic but it's actually really hard. Just because a hot guy is like, "Yeah.. I really like Beastie Boys" don't pipe up with, "Me too!" and then go home and download every Beastie Boy song so you know how to cover the lie you just made. Seriously. If you think they suck- say it and say why. I have found that every time I have ever tried to get a person to like me... they don't. But if I'm my regular ol' self which is generally mouthy, bitchy, inappropriate, and swears a lot... I make friends and attract guys without knowing.
  • Be confident in who you are, what you look like, and how you carry yourself. If you think you look fat and have the "I feel fat" theme running through your head? You're going to come off as fat. If you think, "I'm curvy with some extra chunk but I'm extra fucking fine" then that is what you'll portray. Fake the confidence if you have to.
  • This does not mean dressing like a slut is going to add points. Don't dress like a slut. Dress nice and make sure it flatters you.
  • Be extra friendly. I don't mean start grinding on a guy at Starbucks, but say hello, compliment his jacket/shirt/whatever (only if you actually like it) and try to get a conversation going. Smile at strangers. People are automatically attracted to people who look happy and like their life fucking rocks better than anyone elses.
  • Do not be afraid to approach a guy. It's not like he's a rabid beaver. He's a guy, he probably hates having to approach girls, so just be friendly.
  • Know what your type is. I can't stress this out. If you like guys that are artsy/poetry loving/etc--- go to places they'll be. If you are into a musician type guy--- go to local shows and stuff. If you like a guy who is smart and reads- Barnes & Noble is your new hangout spot.
2. Have you ever thought about doing a vlog?  Reading is cool and all, but I'd like to hear it straight from the horses mouth once to get the full effect. Yes. I have thought about doing a vlog. I need a camera first and foremost. We'll find out if Matt really reads my blog as often as he said he does if I get a web cam for Christmas. (Matt- if you're reading- all stores are closed now. If there isn't one under the tree? Epic fucking fail. But you can make it up with a fainting goat family. XOXO, Your Wife) I also know next to nothing about video editing and all of that shiz so it's coming. Even if I don't get a camera fox Christmas it's on my shopping list in January. So.... stay tuned to have your world fucking blown.

3. Are you regular? If we're being honest, I don't know what they mean by regular. So here are some scenarios:
  • My period comes every 28 days on the button. I will always get my period at 10:00 am on the day it is due. It has never swayed and it's weird. It last approximately seven days and I think that's regular, though I'm not really sure.
  • I poop every day. I think. Wait. No, I take that back because I haven't today. So I guess I'm not regular there. But to my credit I haven't had a lot of fiber recently. Whoops.
  • I consider myself to be a regular person with bizarre situations that happen frequently. I don't know why and I don't know how I make more of them happen.

4. Do you actually have sex toys and use them?? Yes. I absolutely do and I am always open to trying new things. As long as they aren't really crazy and bizarre. Or that may result in a trip to the emergency room because I don't think my health insurance covers that.

5. Do you like tuna? Um... yes? Are we talking about the probably-isn't-real-but-we-pretend-it-is tuna that comes in those cans? Yeah, I'll eat that. With only a little bit of mayo. It's the only time mayo will get to my mouth. And I have to eat it on white bread with lettuce. What a weird fucking question.
**

Ok lambies. That's it for this evening. I still have a few things to wrap, I have a ton of stuff to clean, and I'm exhausted. We did Christmas with my in-laws and the kids had a good time. Matt and I got a gift card to buy more laundry sink supplies (praise Jeebus), I got a cool quilted picture to put near my entrance way, some movies and the best thing?? Well... I'll tell you about that another time. HA! The kids got some cool stuff- Jackson got lego's and a Thomas the Train set and he was THRILLED. Olivia got a scrapbook kit and an Easy Bake Oven. Um.. thanks, Uncle Karl. But on the bright side, I have Matt's lunches figured out. HAHAHA!! So here's our little family picture. Aw..

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Until tomorrow.

It's coming... just like baby Jesus someday.

Sorry for no post peachies. I had a TON of stuff to do and I'll be busy tonight,BUT! Never fucking fear- "Dear Sara" will still be posted tonight.

Mostly because I'm sure you last minute wrappers/shoppers will need something to lift your spirits. But it might be around 9pm-10pm ish. Sorry.

But BOY OH BOY do I have posts for you coming.

So. If you have last minute questions for Dear Sara tonight- email them at slinkies_r_us@hotmail.com

Later gators.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Funny, Fail, and Observations

So today my big project was to get the kids' picture taken with Santa. Sure, we did that last night, but it's not really Christmas unless you get suckered into buying $27 worth of pictures from the mall.

Plus, it's tradition and I try not to fuck with it.

Olivia told this Santa she wanted a "variety of purses with jewelry in them" and Jackson wants a kite. Um yeah. Neither of them are getting any of that. But what was funny was Jackson. He's a total fucking ham and I love it. ESPECIALLY when Matt drinks all of the milk and doesn't tell me so the kids end up having Kool Aid with their breakfast because I'm not dragging all of us to the gas station 3 blocks away in the snow to get a gallon of milk that is easily $3 more than at the grocery store.

The lady told the kids to put their hands in their lap and while Olivia can do it nice and casual, Jackson is making damn sure his are in his lap. They she told them to smile and she took three pictures. In hindsight, I should have gotten the one with his face all squinched up. She was telling Olivia to smile big but Jackson took direction like a pro and was really hamming it up. But yeah. There they are in all their cuteness.
 Olivia loves her sweater dress especially when I started telling her all the cool things you can wear it with. Then Jackson was so pumped to have a new button up shirt. I bought the outfits separately and am a little bummed it's not the same shade of red.. but oh well. Both kids look cute. These are their outfits for when we get their pictures done in January.

I forgot to mention our Ghetto Christmas 2010 update. The six foot Santa who appeared to be drunk and masturbating (he had a mechanical arm and while slumped over it really looked like he was trying to jerk one out) has died. R.I.P. Santa. Matt says he has to kick him to get him up and it's only for a few minutes. At least our Ghetto Christmas 2010 theme is going strong.
And tonight I went to the grocery store. I made it out of there with $107 spent BECAUSE a lot of stuff I use a lot was on sale. So I got a bunch of green peppers (2 for $.88!), hamburger ($2.69/lb for the 97% lean!!) and a ton of the gravy I use for stews and stuff. Yeah. I did good.

But while there I realize that Superior is a really disgusting place. I mean, I'm walking through and there are a lot of really dirty people. All of them are buying beer, chips, pickles, ketchup and haven't showered in days. Really? How 'bout you put the pickles back and wash your pickle? Because you kind of stink. Meaning, I can smell you from the other aisle. And it's pretty fucking gross.

Then there were these women who seriously- need to step away from the Aqua Net. The tall bangs haven't been in since what? Mid 80's? Maybe late 80's? Let's try a new trend. But they have their huge hair and blue eyeshadow and their nails are all different lengths with chipped polish and gross. Please stop picking through the fucking produce with your nasty fucking hands. Your fingernails? Shouldn't be yellow. You need to see a doctor about that.

But the topper? The fucking icing on the cake? Was the 6'3 super obese guy, wearing a shirt that was easily three sizes too small, he's filthy, he has a cart full of sausage, pork, fish in a clear tub, beer, mustard, and Doritos. He has fat rolls hanging out of his shirt (and the skin is visibly very dirty with something smeared on it), he's wearing sweatpants with a huge stain on the ass which I get a full view of when he bends over and in the process rams his cart into me. And then?? THEN? He starts coughing. Oh does he cough. He coughs hard enough that I felt spittle hit my face. Keep in mind- he's behind me. There is his cart AND my cart (since I'm standing in front of my cart loading the conveyor belt) between us. Yet... I feel spittle. Then I look at my bag of grapes. I have one in the line of fire, another on the belt already. I ended up bagging the contaminated grapes separately and throwing them away. He may have had tuberculosis or something. And I think they are supposed to be in lock down or something. I don't know. But I'm sick enough as it is and I don't want whatever he has. Maybe he's a hoarder and infected with some super mold germ and is dying by coughing out bits of lung onto other people's grapes. I don't know. Even the cashier muttered, "I hate my fucking job." Girl- I'm with you. I'd hate that too. Because you KNOW he's going to pay with cash and it'll be all gross and full of germs. She might die. Sad day.

That was my night so far and it's only 7:15.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Winners and Light Up Your Life.

Chill the eff out peeps. God DAMN. I have 21 emails letting me know my drawing was to be at 6 and it's past 6. Yeah- I said I'd DRAW at 6 not post. Baby jeebus. I'll tell you why I'm late posting in a bit. But... without further ado before some of you have an ulcer..

EdenFantasys $25 Giveaway...
Random number says 22 so that is... PrettyLittleReckless! (Fun fact- 2 is my favorite number but 22 is my lucky number.) Email me with your email address since the card will come via email.

Stay With Me book drawing...

Random number said 2 so that would be Kassie! Kassie I will email you this evening so please reply with your mailing address ASAP.
 
THANK YOU to everyone who entered both giveaways and pimped this lil ol blog hardcore- I love you all. And if EdenFantasys lets me do another giveaway you'll be the first to know. But THANK YOU EdenFantasys for allowing me to host. Fun times. :)
 
**
 
OK. So last year we started a tradition taking our kids to Bentleyville which is a huge light up display in Duluth that originally started in this guy's YARD. Last year we froze our asses off and it took days for the numbness in our limbs to go away. And the plan was to go tomorrow night.. but... it was 35 degrees tonight. Which is like fucking paradise compared to last years balmy -27. That's BELOW ZERO homies. So we went tonight with my mom because she had never been to it. The kicker is that we got like ten inches of snow or something overnight, it's continuing to snow now, so the roads were kind of crap.
 
Anyways. The kids were super excited because Olivia is dead set that this is where the real Santa works. Here's the entrance:
 Beyond the castle you see the new tree- it is MASSIVE and super pretty. It blinks to music too.
 And this is the big tunnel of lights. Olivia kept asking when the big tunnel was coming because it does look pretty cool.
 A big thing to see in Duluth is our Aerial Lift Bridge which is still fully functional. The creator of Bentleyville has a replica bridge (and it moves) and it is set up so it looks like a boat is coming through.
 We saw two of Santa's reindeer so we stopped for a picture. I don't think Jackson really understands that kind of thing.
 Look! I'm officially a grown up with a winter hate AND a scarf. It was a big moment. I had to document it for you.
 OK. So we waited in line for awhile to see Santa. Now, while this picture doesn't show it, Olivia was REALLY excited. She told Santa she wanted "dresses, jewelry, makeup, Barbies and Polly Pockets." Jackson only asked for "guys" which I think he means like GI Joe guys. But Jackson's face is priceless! He totally bought the "it's really Santa!" thing.
 Now, Olivia really thinks this is the real one because this Santa has a snow globe. And if he shakes it and you see snow.. that means you're on the good list. Look at their faces after they saw the snow... :)
 So then we went back through another tunnel..you can see my mom and Olivia in the bottom left of the picture..
 Oh. Then we got to see Mrs. Clause- which was new to us this year. Olivia was THRILLED that Mrs. Clause told her to "cuddle in" and Jackson was pumped to get a candy cane out of the lady.
So there it is. Another year and we made it through Bentleyville. By the time we were leaving it was getting colder and I realized that my boots? Are meant for looks only. They do nothing to keep my feet warm or dry, despite me wearing two pairs of socks. So my feet are really cold and I'm not looking forward to taking one layer of socks off.
 
We got home a little past the kids' bedtime (usually 7) and they ate their cookies they got from Santa and both went to bed. Neither wanted a bed time story because they were too tired. It is a lot of walking for them so that's just fine.
 
Tomorrow I'm officially off of work until January 3 so I'm going to begin the slow ride to crazyville with two kids who have cabin fever and continually asking me when Santa is coming. I have a lot of stuff happening in the next week and honestly? I'm so over booked none of it is going to be relaxing or fun. Which sucks. BUT the kids are looking forward to it so we do it for them.
 
OK. So I'm still sick (yay..) so I'm going to bed. Congratulations winners!
 
OH!!!! I still need questions for Dear Sara happening on Friday! Email me at: slinkies_r_us@hotmail.com with your question- I'll take any and everything. ;)

Monday, December 20, 2010

Stay With Me

Hey lambies- it's time for another book review. And this is a book that I think a lot of you will like so you should read this. :)

Stay With Me- Sandra Rodriguez Barron
Stay with Me: A Novel

Thirty years ago, five toddlers were found alone in a luxury boat tied up to a dock in Puerto Rico after a devastating hurricane. No one knew who they were or where they came from. Now adults, raised by different families but connected by a special bond, David, Taina, Holly, Adrian and Raymond have always considered themselves siblings, even if their blood relations were unknown. When David is diagnosed with an aggressive form of brain cancer, the five brothers and sisters meet at Griswold Island off the coast of Connecticut at the family home of David's ex-girlfriend, Julia, a woman whose own deeply rooted family tree is a direct opposite to the siblings' hidden beginnings. However, while David's siblings think the trip is just a chance to spend quality time with Davide and help him get his mind off the disease, David has an ulterior motive for planning a vacation: The brain tumor has triggered flashbacks to the time before the hurricane and prompted a strong desire in David to find out the truth of their origins. He's determined to find out if they are siblings in blood as well as heart and the circumstances behind what happened to them those many years ago. The gathering is the first time they are all able to share and document the wisps of fading memory, all of it conflicting, all of it charged with emotional attachments to whatever truth they have each come to embrace.

OK. So if THAT doesn't make you want to read this book.. I don't know what will. Frequent readers of my blog will know that my big thing is that I'm absolutely convinced I will die of a brain tumor and recently I blogged about that. And the news I got about my dad came *literally* the day after I finished this book. I find it kind of bizarre that a lot of the books I'm reading all of a sudden take a turn for the personal afterwards. So because of that, I connected with this book.

The story of five seemingly abandoned children is sad and as a mother it pulls at you. I enjoyed learning about each sibling and how the experience of early childhood traumas such as abandonment really pave your future as an adult. It proves that every person handles stress and trauma differently and these characters were no different. I felt sad for David, suffering from brain cancer, because you see how horrible that is. Especially towards the end it scared the crap out of me.

The only part of the book that I thought was awkward was the really detailed descriptions of Griswold Island, the story could have been just as great without it. I kind of feel that overly detailed parts should be left out- if it doesn't really add to the story.

I do like how this book covered the emotions a person would feel if they didn't know about their birth parents and facing the option of finding out. I can imagine that is a hard reality for some to face, especially if you were abandoned. I really loved how Sandra was able to tie the book together at the end. Sure, David is dying and you know what is going to happen but I think she made his story close appropriately. Do you know how you read some books and feel like it wasn't really meant to end yet? I didn't feel that way with this one. I felt like it ended right when it should have. And I really enjoyed it.

But don't take just my opinion. You can go HERE to read the thoughts from other reviewers and you can visit Sandra's website HERE.

If you would like to have MY copy.... leave a comment on this post saying you want it, with your email address, and I will randomly draw a winner on Tuesday, December 21, 6pm.

This is how you show the grocery store who's the head bitch.

About a week ago (I have no idea..I'm so fucking sick it's all a blur) one of my very lovely readers, Shirley, asked me how I can get my groceries under $100 for two weeks and how do I plan meals so it's not a nightmare. And I'm going to tell you. Because I'm awesome.

Coincidentally.... today is Shirley's birthday. So go to her blog HERE and wish her a happy birthday!

OK. So my first piece advice is always going to be to PLAN what you eat. If you go to the store trying to figure out meals as you go you will always buy more than you need but not enough to make all your meals. It's that simple. You can menu plan in two ways:

1. Get out your calendar- plan by day. (This is what I do because I need structure)
2. Get out a list, number it 1-14 and then each day pick a meal off that list to eat.

I prefer the calendar but sometimes I just don't feel like eating fucking porkchops on a Tuesday. So maybe I'll make it Thursday and make my Thursday thing on Tuesday. No biggie. Sometimes you end up going out to eat last minute- no biggie. Just circle that meal so you know that for the next two week cycle you have that stuff on hand, so it's one less day to shop for. Make sense?

It also helps to have one day a week be the same. Meaning, every single Saturday we have spaghetti in our house. It's my favorite food, I make damn good spaghetti, but more importantly-- it's VERSATILE. Let's say we have spaghetti Saturday. I make a double batch of sauce. Save it. It's good for 3 days or so in the fridge. But some tortellini and bam- one dinner you can have tortellini (OR you can have that as a lunch). Use the sauce to make your own calzones (email me or comment with your email if you want my recipe for that- GHETTO EASY) for lunches. You can use the sauce as the base for meatball subs- just add meatballs. Basically- look at your leftovers and figure out how to use them in something else.

We also love chicken. But chicken boobies? Are expensive. I'm picky about my boobies so the ones I like are the Golden Plump or whatever that you get 3 mini boobies for almost $7. yeah. Not cool. BUT what I've ended up doing is cubing chicken up in everything. Unless we're having chicken breasts (which then I buy big boobies at Sam's Club where you get 6 huge boobs for under $10 and I cut them each in half, freeze separately) I always cube chicken. People eat less but you can make a big supper adding other things like veggies, rice, noodles, etc. Stretch it out.

The crockpot? Is your friend. I hate cooking in a rush so on days where I'm working until 4? You can bet I use my crockpot. You can cook just about anything in there so use it.

OK. So here is the menu I've used the last two weeks:
1. Chicken Stew
2. Chili
3. Chili dogs, macaroni, corn *
4. Hot ham and cheese sandwiches, peas, baby red potatoes mashed
5. Rice Oriental
6. Spaghetti
7. Pork Roast in the crockpot with gravy, scalloped potatoes, green beans
8. Beef Stew
9.Calzones with a salad*
10. Pancakes, sausage, fruit
11. Tacos
12. Spaghetti
13. Pot roast with rice, gravy, mixed veggies
14. Pulled BBQ beef sandwiches*

Almost every day Matt had left overs to take with him for lunch the next day, and the kids had a little bit too. If we didn't have leftovers for the kids (or they didn't want it) I will always have the stuff to make all kinds of sandwiches, I always have a fruit (usually grapes or apples- I switch from week to week) and we have a cracker or something. I give them 3 things on their plates for lunch. Breakfasts are usually cereal, sometimes they want frozen waffles, so I'll have that on hand because that goes on sale for cheap here (I can get the store brand box for $1.29 or less for 12 waffles at least once a month). If a meal has a * by it, that means I used left overs from a previous meal to make it.

Example- roasts. Invest in a good roast with little to no fat on it. If you get a big one, cook it in your crock pot, you will have the makings for pulled beef sandwiches for the next day. Just save the meat and add BBQ sauce into the crockpot (or stove top) OR you can make your own sauce like I do.

Make a friend who has a garden. We're lucky my inlaws are big gardeners so when they start harvesting I'm over run with tomatoes, potatoes, green peppers, corn, peas, etc. FREEZE what you can. I'm serious. If you can't do that- buy them when they go on super sale in the summer. Green peppers actually have more flavor after you freeze them. AND these are things that if you put them in freezer bags? They don't take up a lot of room so you can do that even if you don't have an extra freezer like I do. I have also discovered if I buy my ground hamburger at the meat market in town- it's almost a dollar cheaper per pound than the grocery store. The meat market smells like dead animal- but a dollar is a big deal especially when I buy about 10 pounds at a time because I use it a lot. If I make beef stew, stir fry, or anything requiring pieces of beef? It's sometimes easier to buy a steak and cube it yourself OR buy chow mein cut meat. It's small pieces so you get more for your money and there is little to no fat on it. Bonus.

My other major tip? Coupons. Now- don't roll your eyes. You have to get in touch with the coupon world. Shirley started using Krazy Coupon Lady and it really does work. If you are lucky to have a Target near you then you are in great luck because Target has great coupon savings and a lot of times- their cereal is cheaper than a grocery store. The thing to remember is that it's not a deal if it's not something you were going to buy anyways. So... just because you have $1.00 off cereal... if it's not something you need, use or were planning to buy- skip it. And while clipping "cents off" coupons may not seem like a whole lot- stores like Target will let you double up on coupons. So you have 4 cents off coupons? That could mean a dollar or more off of one item. And when you have a lot of these coupons on one shopping trip? You might save $20 or more. That's $20 put into your savings or in your gas tank. Whatever. But it all adds up and it does make a dent.

OK. So that's kind of my thing.  If you have questions- please email me and I'll do my best. slinkies_r_us@hotmail.com . OH! AND I need questions for this Friday's Dear Sara post homies! Get those into me soon.

Don't forget the giveaway- it ends tomorrow.

And I will leave you with this:

I dare you to watch that and tell me goats are adorable. These fuckers hop sideways!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Another weekend down.

Two things before I hit you up with some food porn, and some recipes.

1. My $25 gift card giveaway to EdenFantasys is still going on- it ends Tuesday. Enter even if it scares the shit out of you.

2. Whoopsy-- I forgot that I did a Self Esteem Saturday post with Jia. You can go HERE to see it. (Dear Helena, I'm wearing the underwear you gave me. And yes- you can see them.)

Ok. So who's hungry? I'm not bitches because I've been taste testing my goodies all day.

Which sounds really disgusting and I don't mean it that way at all.

Ok. So I made basic sugar cookies. Which this is the FIRST year they weren't a FAIL. Usually I burn them... or the consistency isn't the way I want... but this year? I fucking owned those whores. What I didn't own was my decorating gel. Which had wide tips so I couldn't do much for decorated. Boo. I made 3 dozen and we're down to four cookies total so they tasted good.
 Then I made my favorite cookie EVER... the peanut butter cookies with the hershey kiss in the middle. God fucking help me I could eat these every day. I only made 18 and I have the supplies for more. It's probably going to happen.
 Then I made chocolate chip because I can. Yeah- deal with it. But I love these ones because it takes THREE sticks of butter and you can taste the butter. MMMMM. But I used up the rest of my white chocolate chips (1/2 bag) and a full bag of chocolate chips. Best. Decision. Ever.
Then I made my lemon cookies. It's basically kind of like a sugar cookie but you add lemon zest to it. Then I made the lemon glaze to go on top. I always forget how fast you have to glaze these bitches because the glaze hardens pretty quick.
 OK. So I also made chocolate truffles. Which, next to the peanut butter cookie, is my favorite thing. Every year I give these out to people as a gift and EVERY YEAR I get asked the recipe. It's easy. If you can operate a microwave, electric mixer and open packages- you are good to go.

So. You need one 8oz package of cream cheese that is ROOM TEMPERATURE. If you don't do this you will make your life hellish. Then you need one box of Baker's Semi Sweet Chocolate, so it's like 8 of those squares.
 Beat yo' cheese until it's creamy and pretty. It needs to look like this. If it looks like yeast infection discharge keep mixing.
 Melt your chocolate in the microwave. I don't care what the box tells you- I put it on high for 30 seconds, then stir. Another 30 seconds, stir. Finally, another 20 seconds, stir until melted. If I do it by the box instructions it burns. If you smell burning chocolate or it looks like anything other than this- you have fucked up and need another box.
 Pour your melted (and warm) chocolate onto your cream cheese. Beat with your mixer until it looks like this. Or kind of like diarrhea. (Shut up- it kind of does.) Wrap your bowl with plastic warp and put this in the fridge. I put my in overnight because I was too tired and sick to do anything else, but an hour will probably do. You want it to basically harden.
 Once you take it out and it's hard... get a cookie sheet ready. Put down some wax paper or parchment paper down because these bitches will get sticky. Roll your dough into balls. I do small sizes because these are going to be rich in flavor- so I use a melon baller. But you could use a small spoon or a measuring teaspoon. So spoon it up and use your hands to roll into pretty balls. If your hands are getting too sticky, you can coat them with a cocoa powder but if you go fast you'll be fine.

Put 'em back in the fridge for 15-20 minutes to harden again. And then melt more chocolate. You can either use another box of Baker's chocolate.. or you can use chocolate candy melts. I used those because I needed my Baker's for something else. Melt your chocolate, grab your balls and get a fork. ;)

Put one ball into the melted chocolate, use your fork to roll them around so they get coated all over. Then use your fork to get them out and back onto the cookie sheet. Repeat for all balls. (If you use the candy melts they will harden almost immediately once on the cookie sheet.)
 You can leave them alone now if you want. But I had some white candy melts to use up (you can also use white chocolate chips if you have them)- so melt those. I then put the melted chocolate into a ziploc bag, cut the tip off so it's like a ghetto piping bag and my balls extra fancy.
 Tee-fucking-dah. Chocolate truffles.

Oh- and then I made ghetto spritz for Matt. They are his favorite and I hate making them because my cookie press is not made for someones who's hand are basically useless as far as strength. But I say ghetto because I use a tube of premade sugar cookie dough, add a 1/2 cup of flour to it, knead it really well so it's mixed. Add 1/2 tsp of peppermint extract, a whole shit load of green food coloring and there you go. Spritz ala ghetto.
He only likes them shaped like trees.

So that was my weekend. I am off almost every day for the next two weeks so be ready for me getting my crafty and Betty Crocker on. Yee haw baby.

What cookies do you like for the holidays or what do you consider a must have?

Saturday, December 18, 2010

$25 Gift Card GIVEAWAY

Oh... I think it's time we do a giveaway. Everybody is out shopping for others right now and that's all great. But come January you're going to get your credit card bill and be stuck up in the house because you're going to be too broke to leave. But never fear--- your leader would not let you rot away doing nothing.

Oh no.
Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

I think it's time we have ourselves a little giveaway good for $25 at EdenFantasys! Yes!

Now before some of you who are a bit more um.. modest.... click out of this- you need to stick around! Everybody gal (and guy) needs a good sex toy. Toys can spice up your life alone.... or if you have a partner. I have an extensive collection and they have never let me down.

EdenFantasys will ship everything to you in discreet packaging... so your mailman (or nosy neighbor) is not going to know you just ordered a cock ring. Which are really great, by the way. If you get the kind that are made of a jelly material (and for the love of Jeebus use lubrication) they are easy to get on/off. If you get a vibrating one it works for him AND you.
But let's say you hate giving blowjobs. It has to be a birthday or really special occasion. Except it's Tuesday and your hubs is asking. You hand him his very own Fleshlight Blowjob Simulator.
 But hey- it's not all about him dammit. If you are new to the world of sex toys I suggest starting out with something like this. It's basic and it vibrates. Once you get going and figure what you like in a toy or not- you can upgrade. Personally... I have a vibrating AND thrusting one and yeah. I could be happy and satisfied single.  
The other great thing about EdenFantasys is that you can "refine" your toy search. So let's say you click on vibrators. It will then show you what they have and you can narrow it down by color, diameter, material, waterproof of not, and what it does. Genius.

So. Now that we're all dreaming of toys and wishing Santa would bring us one......

Let's start the giveaway. There can only be one winner and it's open to anyone who's 18 and older. Here's what you need to do to win it baby: (leave a separate comment for each thing you've completed)

1. Be my follower through Google Friend Connect. (Mandatory)
2. Leave me a comment telling me what you'd like to try out on EdenFantasys. (Mandatory)
3. Blog about this giveaway (send me a link)
4. Tweet this giveaway (send me a link)
5. Facebook this giveaway (send me a link)

I'm going to leave this giveaway open until TUESDAY, December 21st, 6pm. The winner will be announced during my blog post that evening and you will be emailed a $25 gift certificate.

And even if you don't win- please check out their website. They have lots of deals, lots of items and are great with shipping and customer service.

Good luck lovelies!

Friday, December 17, 2010

It's the bees vagina homie. It's DEAR SARA!

Yee haw- grab your Moonshine and Moonpies and let's get this shiz rollin'.

1. How/when did you start blogging? I had to look this up because I couldn't remember. My first post ever was in May 2008 and you can see that HERE. I originally started it because I was really overwhelmed right after Jackson was born and I just couldn't keep up with everyone wanting updates. I mean, yay for wanting them.. but jesus fuck people. It's really hard to have two kids, be potty training one of them, and then recovering from having a baby. It's a lot of work on top of all my jobs as a wife and head bitch up in here. So that's how we started. Clearly... I've moved away from that. Mostly because family weren't checking it so I figured to hell with it- we'll change it all about me. Well, it's not really that, but you get the point. But NOW suddenly family reads it and gets mad at things I write sometimes. Which is unfortunate because I'm just being who I am normally with my friends.


2. I love bad dating stories- did you ever have any bad dates? I've only been on one really bad date and it was in college, while in between boyfriends. I knew the guy and he was really nice. What wasn't nice was that he took me to Grizzly's, which is restaurant near me I like, and proceeded to do weird stuff. First it was flossing his teeth at the table. Then he kept putting his finger in his ear and shaking it... like he had an itch or something. Then proceed to eat off our appetizer. Um.. disgusting. Then he would chew and talk at the same time and that is just so gross because then you have food flying from his mouth onto everything else. The topper? He learned over and totally farted. Now.. I get how sometimes it will not quietly into the night. I get it. But come on. At least not make it obvious. I excused myself and went to the bathroom. THANKFULLY this restaurant has a cool set up so I didn't go to the bathroom, I went out the side door by the bathroom and went home. And before you bash me- I DID pay for my food/drinks at the bar so I didn't leave him hanging for my stuff. He never called me again thankfully. A few weeks later I went on a date with Matt and that was that.
3. What is something you do that you are embarassed about and don't want people to know, but will share with your lovely blog readers anyways? Hmm... I don't know? I can't think of anything I'd do that I wouldn't do in front of people. Well... masturbating but that's not really embarrassing. Oh- one thing I do that I get teased about is every time I get a cup out of the cupboard... I blow into it. Actually, any cup I use I blow into before I fill it. It started when we lived at a house that had weird cupboards, and you'd get dust or pieces of the cupboard in your glass. So you'd have to blow to get it out. Well... everyone else has stopped doing that but I continue. And for no reason-- I just can't use the cup unless I blow into it.

4. What keeps you motivated to get on the fuckmill? Not being a fat fuck? That helps. And I gave away all of my size 14's and 16's... so I'd be half naked if I gained any more weight. So there's that. After doing it for a full year... I still hate every second on there but I do feel better. I like feeling sore the next day.

5. What's one thing that keeps you, you? That keeps you who you are even with all the roles you play- mother, daughter, friend, wife etc. Maybe it's something that grounds you, maybe it's something you do for yourself etc. Honestly? It's my friends. No matter how crazy I get, how overwhelmed I get.... my friends are never afraid to say, "Sara- stop being a fucking whore". They keep me in check far better than Matt does. He'll just take it and my friends are the ones to reel me in. At the same time- they make me feel better when I feel like I'm being raped sideways by life. My whole thing is that if I'm not having fun, if I'm not smiling or laughing, something needs to change. I can say that I haven't really changed as I've gotten older. My personality is the same as it's always been... I'm just at a point now where I don't mind if people don't like it. I'm not going to censor myself because it makes something unhappy. To them I say- fuck the hell off... I don't need you anyways.

The things that keep me from going crazy are: reading, scrapbooking, music, writing, and walking. If I'm really having a hard time I turn to these things to get me back on track.

**

THANKS for the questions! I know someone asked me about meal planning/grocery shopping kickassness and I will do an entire post on that. Mondayish.

Please come back tomorrow because I am having a hilariously appropriate giveaway and you need to play along.

AND... I'm out of questions for next week's Dear Sara! This is horrible! So you need to email me at slinkies_r_us@hotmail.com so I can put them in the mix. Anything and everything will be answered! :)

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Goat Whisperer, Xmas Panic, and Coming Soon

I have to hand it to my lambwhores... you people are creative, hilarious and you pay attention! Jennifer surprised me with a hilarious package in the mail today.
 And because you need to see a close up..
How fucking awesome is this? First miracle being she was able to make this and it be awesome. The second miracle was that I could get in AND out of it. The shirt is an XL which when I saw it I knew no fucking way is this thing XL. It's what a normal place would call "Petite Small". What you aren't seeing is that this thing barely makes it to my belly button and I was losing circulation in my arms. But, But, BUT I love the shirt! And I wish my camera didn't suck because Matt's reaction was HILARIOUS. He's kind of worried that my goat following is growing. But even though Cafe Press has a very skewed version of what "XL" is... it means I'm going to order another one. What's a men's medium look like? Or large? Suggestions? I have no idea. But I'm sad it probably won't have the pink on the sleeves.. which I love. Olivia already asked if she could have it. I said no. Because in the MEANTIME, this baby is hanging in my crafty closet with my other fan mail!

*Keep your packages of fun and crazy coming people* Need a mailing address? Email me! slinkies_r_us@hotmail.com and don't forget... my birthday is March 10. Holla.

OK- so I'm kind of freaking about a few packages that I have no idea if they are going to get here in time for Christmas. THANKFULLY my mom's thing came in today so that helps. I have a gift for my brother in law and friend coming... someday. My sister in law has a cool thing coming from Etsy so I hope she digs that... but who knows when it'll be here. Not to mention the ton of stuff I've ordered off of Etsy in the last few weeks that are still coming....

A few days ago I mentioned that I made gifts for neighbors and friends... well go HERE and you can see that tutorial. You don't need any crafty skills, or cooking skills. By god if you can use a measuring cup and a shot glass you're set!

And FINALLY.... promise me to the pasture and back that you'll come back here on Saturday. PROMISE. Because I have a really epic and totally not-safe-for-work post and giveaway. Trust me. Guys AND girls can enter. I'm pretty damn excited for this one. *Giddy with excitement*