I realized this morning that I haven't been bringing you the news. And that's a fucking shame for you, but also it says something about me because I have almost completely stopped watching the news.
BUT! There are some random things that I've had an opinion on.
1. Taylor Swift: Ok. So she's got a broken heart because Jake Gyllenhall (or however you spell it) broke up. Sad day. But I hope Jake made her sign some kind of confidentiality agreement because you KNOW that will be on her next record. You know it. But I can't remember if I've said it or not but man fucking alive. I cannot handle her whiny schtick anymore. I can't. I think she's cute as a button but she can't sing live. She can't and I don't want any of you saying she can't. And then the whole Kanye song. Really? Where the hell is her manager in this? I don't know. It's irritating.
2. Underwear with a built in penis. They add two inches to your bulge. I'm sorry-- but that's false advertising and that's wrong. I've talked about Spanx and why I hate it and how I don't think it's flattering to women at all and you're stupid if you think it's really making you look better. I'm sorry but the truth hurts. You look stupid. But guys? Don't buy these. I'm serious. Don't do it unless you want to have a chick have an obvious look of disappointment when you come strutting out with the assistance. To put it in perspective... let's say you're out on a date with this girl with great boobs. You're staring at the boobs, you fantasize about how they will feel as you hold them, all of this. You take it back to your house, you're getting frisky and then you realize... they aren't real at all. She's wearing a water push up bra and she's really working with an A cup when the whole night you thought for sure she was at least a C, maybe even a D cup. I'm sorry- but doesn't it kind of kill it for you? Well it's the same thing for girls. If we are worrying all night that you're so big you might puncture an ovary and then when things start moving we're left worrying if you're even going to get in. It's not ok. It's not ok at all. Learn to work with what you have big g dog.
3. My webcam is being a bitch. Matt gave me an actual microphone and STILL it's like static and "wah wah wah" on it. WTF? So I'm going to have him show me exactly how he gets it to work and see what the fuck I'm doing wrong. Which is good because I am hoping to do my Dear Sara post tomorrow (at least part of it) via webcam. And speaking of- dudes! Get your questions in. You can ask me something, you can send me a "Dear Abby" type thing with a problem, or ask my opinion on something. Whatever you think of. Email me at: email@example.com and we'll be doing this every Friday. So if I get nothing... there will be no post. ;)
4. Have any of you been watching 16 and Pregnant? I've only seen half of the season AND I missed the fucking finale. But from the ones I have seen? Hot god damn messes. Thank god. And then I saw the preview for the new Teen Mom. OMG. Those girls are INSANE and mostly unfit. I can't wait to see-- I hope one of these episodes we see CPS step in. At least this season someone's parent is suing for custody. Thank god. Anyways. But have you been following any of the news? With the mom Amber who beat the crap out of ex-boyfriend Gary, in front of their daughter, who was arrested and now on bail? Yeah. I catch snippets. She's plum fucking crazy. She needs to have custody taken away. She says she just goes into rage and kind of "zones out". Um... right. Because that makes you fit to be around a toddler. Seriously drives me nuts to see people like that can have kids. You should have to have a license. I'm serious.
5. Oh- so are any of you watching Hoarders? If you're not, I suggest you do but don't be eating anything. Every once in awhile you'll get a glimpse of the "kitchen" or they pan to the hoarder person's feet. I don't know why because it's always enough to make you vomit. Anyways. On Monday I guess, there is a guy who has RATS up in his house. My mom said the preview showed the expert getting bit by a rat. And this guy thinks they are his pets. OMFG. Seriously barf in my mouth. I can't even handle it. I don't know if I can watch it. The lady with the 80-some birds was bad enough. I don't know if I can watch rats. Seriously- I'm gagging just thinking about it.