Wednesday, January 5, 2011

This? Is going to be a way more funny post. Pinky promises and sparkly tampons.

I decided that today I am not going to write a bitchy post. (Even though I have plenty to write about in a bitchy style that is all my own, including but not limited to: the plastic/tape not sticking to my window real well anymore, the I-Told-You-So moment from Matt's doctor appointment today, the giant crack in my living room wall which I WILL write about next week, the laundry sink shit that STILL is on hold, etc.)

Instead, I'm going to talk about Batman and Stumpy, our two cats who are fucking weird as hell. I thought Lenny was weird but no- these two outshine his crazy. Which is saying a lot. And a few of you have asked to see updated pictures of my fur babies.

So Batman... thinks he's a person. And clearly, he's not. But fun fact! If you take a shower and shut the door? Prepare to have all 4 pounds of fierce cat throwing his body against it until you open it. Why?

So he can join you in the fucking shower. Or bath.
The kids think this is hysterical and Jackson likes to make sure Batman gets enough water. I'm all for cleanliness but once he gets out he will walk and then sit on your dry clothes. It's awesome. I'm going to work most days with wet paw prints down my leg. Or on my boob.
Then we have Stumpy. Holy hell. He's really peculiar. Matt and I have decided he's definitely "special needs" and I don't know if he should be on medication or what. First off, he's a god damn pig. And by "pig" I mean this cat is eating THREE cups of food PER DAY. Folks- I'm going through a lot of food. And if you don't fill his dish? He lies on the floor like he's so starving he can't possibly move. Then he starts the moaning. Really. You're better off to just feed him. He's seriously huge and he's not even one yet.

But he's odd because his favorite thing? Is playing in the kitchen. he likes to rub himself along the cupboards.. back...
 and forth. Several times. He just keeps doing it and we don't know why.
 Then he likes to go under the microwave cart...
 and roll around. Then he "hides" and Batman just usually stares at him.
 Then, if you start calling for him? He runs under the step stool. Like I can't fucking see him or something.
Oh- and I was telling one of my new favorite people that I'm like 99% sure Lenny is haunting our house. And I am completely serious. First off, a few weeks ago Olivia told me that she talked to Lenny in Kitty Heaven (she randomly will say, "I love you, Lenny" just to nobody and I didn't think anything of it), and right afterwards, he jumped on her bed and they cuddled. Uh...... okey dokey....

THEN, I think I mentioned we buried him under our apple tree. Our dining room windows look out onto the tree and Lenny used to sit in one window and watch birds and stuff. Well, Stumpy sits in the same spot every day for a long time, looks down where Lenny is buried and makes weird moaning/mewing sounds. It's creepy as shit. And Batman will look out the window but he starts pacing back and forth.

It's like creepy shit up in here peeps.

But today I'm trying to cook and fucking Stumpy thinks I'm a god damn tree and is constantly throwing himself at me, causing me to knock myself into the stove where I can go up in flames any minute. Well, clearly I can't pet him AND stir the pot of stew at the same time. His solution? To fucking JUMP onto me and hang on for dear life while his claws penetrate my back and side boob.

It's painful, yo.

And then I pick him up and he collapses on my chest with his legs all spread eagle like he hasn't seen me in weeks when in reality it's been maybe 5 hours. He's such a whore.

22 comments:

Jennifer Kay said...

Ouch, that hurt.

I seriously am laughing my ass off and from the next room Jon says "you're probably making fun of me online again"....cha, don't flatter yourself!

Kendra Smith said...

Lol! Too funny! I can't believe your cat gets in the bathtub.

Seeing this post makes me want a cat! I used to have a ton of cats, but I don't have any since I moved. ...I think its about time I adopted one. :) I love cats!

kimberrleigh said...

AWEE! I love cats. Even if they are so weird sometimes, they make you laugh. The cat, Kit-Kat, I'm fostering for a sorority sister is the cutest cat. He likes to watch the clock hands tick back and forth. And he'll legit have a conversation with you. And he loves laying on our heating pad.

So weird, but so adorable. I hope/wish I could keep him. :)

Danielle said...

Oh my gosh, I must say that the picture of the cat in the tub is priceless! I thought cats hated water???

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

I cannot believe Batman in the tub. WTF? Does he not know he's a cat?

He kind of looks like Metro before Metro got fat. Sad day.

middle child said...

A cat that LIKES water? That is so supernatural, I think you should call Stephen King and pitch that as a story idea. Also, cats are weird in that they think if they can't see you, you can't see them. My cat would turn and face the corner so I "couldn't" see him. (And no,...he wasn't putting himself in a time out.)

Shirley said...

Everytime I give my dog, Molly, a bath she jumps on my bed and shakes all her water off. But I love that Batman jumps in the shower. We had a cat once and I tried to give him a bath and he clawed the shit out of my boobs and I never tried that again.

Jackie said...

I seriously can't stop laughing! Your cats are nuts!

Mom Taxi Julie said...

How bizarre the cat gets in the water like that! I've had a cat climb me before and OMG that hurts!

jprp said...

I WANT A CAT THAT GETS IN THE BATH!!!!!! so so awesome. I seriously nearly wet my self reading this post.... one of my cats do that cupboard door thing, but around the couch!

thank you for making my day xx

jprp said...

oh, and speaking of cats, last night my 7 year old neighbour bought his cat over to show me (which is cute enough in its self) but guess what he called her?... Kitty Long Stockings! Is that not awesome, almost as awesome as batman!

Annah said...

God I love cats! :) I wish I could have one. But my three devils would *not* be down with that.

Your kitties sound super cute.

And I'm convinced children can see the supernatural. CON_VINCED. Always have been.

Deeds said...

I had a cat that was obsessed with me. He would follow me everywhere, including the shower. Pervy Cat.

Ang said...

Note to self: Do not read Sara's funny posts while at work
Note to Sara: Please note every funny post in the first paragraph.

I'm seriously dying here - what the fuck is wrong with your cats?! A cat in the tub, a cat that rub along the cupboards!? (once he gets fat enough, he'll lose a lot of his hiding places; true story, happened to my cat!)

However, about Lenny... I do believe cats have some sick 6th sense. They'll just start looking at air like they see something - pretty sure they do! I guess what I don't know is if they haunt houses... sounds like they might!

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

I'm convinced all cats are evil. Then people always are "cats are awesome! I love my cat even when he claws me, or does weird shit or yells at me. He's awesome!"

That just sounds like an abusive relationship to me. Get out while you can! :)

I will admit however, that the cat in the tub is pretty damn cute.

Lor

Jen @ Dear Mommy Brain said...

I'll trade you. My cat is a nonchalant bitch that barely shows any interest in us. I sometimes forget she's there until I find a turd on the floor...

Gini said...

BAHAHAHA! Kitty hauntings! AWESOME. Do keep us updated on more creepy shit, please. :D

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

Cats do make life interesting. Thor, our 14lb one year old cat also thinks he is being starved to death. He'll lay down and cuddle the empty food bowl to himself and moan as though he hasn't been fed in weeks,when in fact only moments before he had just inhaled 4 cats shares of the food.

MrsDixon said...

OK, I don't have cats, but want to borrow yours for a day! A cat that showers? That has to be like a world record type thing! I just love them!

Anna @ the owl and the phoenix said...

I WISH my cat would go into the bath like that! I have to bathe her because she's too fat to clean herself and it's always a huge mess with water everywhere. Petey is very fond of the "I'm starving" game too - even though he is not a small cat. Cats are so funny. They are lucky they are cute =)

prettylittlereckless said...

oh gosh... this kinda reminds me of our dog Scout- he'll just stare like he's looking at someone, but no one is there. It's major creepy. Esp since one night I was just messin' with my video on my phone in my pitch black room and then when I played it back, an orb looking thing was zipping around. NOT NORMAL. I freaked the hell out and deleted the vid. Now I wish I hadn't.

ps- your cats are totally funny. love it! esp about the bathtime haha!

Eileen said...

omg I think our kitties are twins! My kitty, Newton has the same cape/hood that aren't connected, and he's the biggest slut ever. He follows me around the house, but doesn't want me to pick him up...oh no no no, not picking up the kitty. He has to make the first advances and has to decide when HE wants to be loved. Little slut...god I love him