Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I need the Cat Whisperer. For the sake of my toilet paper and sanity.

Folks- these cats will turn me into an alcoholic if Matt doesn't do it first.

Stumpy and Batman have taken to being freaks in general. Lenny was weird, but now that he's in kitty heaven/decomposing under my apple tree, Stumpy and Batman obviously feel like they need to make up for his crazy which only adds to the crazy they were already bringing to the table.

In short, I have two cats who are mildly retarded and/or ADHD.

First, it was the ladybug that both cats stared at for over an hour. The bug was on the ceiling but my cats were like on surveillance and were not going anywhere.
 Then they sleep in the 69 position almost every night. Until Stumpy hogs the bottom 1/3 of the bed because he's obese and only one. But then Batman sleeps either on top of my head or in the crook of my neck. Which was cute when he was small but Batman, under his filthy and uncleaned mounds of fur, is a bit of a tub-o-lard himself and it's pretty much him trying to strangle me. But they start in the 69 and lick each other's special spots. Which Matt and I have to listen to. If that doesn't make you horny, I don't know what will.
 You may remember when my bedroom was a CSI crime scene a few weeks ago? Yes well, I have noticed that the cats are ALWAYS staring at the threshold of my bedroom. My bedroom floor isn't finished, so this is what it looks like. Now, I've looked down there thinking there MUST be a mouse. No. I can't see anything. But Batman was eating all of the insulation that was in there. So.. maybe that's like cat crack? But in my paranoia I made Matt put a board on this so a mouse (if that bastard is in there) can't come up.
 And then one morning, I woke up and had to pee. I knew I wouldn't make it upstairs so I went into the laundry room.. which is off my kitchen. I find this. This is TWO rolls of toilet paper and the basket upside down. Mother fuckers.
 Not even a week later, Matt goes up to take a shower and see this. Those fuckers not only clawed up the toilet paper, but knocked the garbage can over and chewed on EVERYTHING. Batman has a taste for qtips while Stumpy (who's obviously already mentally deficient) chewed the cotton balls which were soaked with nail polish remover. And Batman chewed on a pad. A used pad. It was really horrible to clean up.
 THEN. This morning, I go upstairs to pee and I see this. And folks? This is happening EVERY DAY. I'm going through so much toilet paper it's unreal. Do you know how expensive toilet paper is???
And don't tell me to shut my bathroom door. Because it doesn't shut very well and that's where the only heat vent for the upstairs is... and it'll be like a sauna with the door shut while the rest of the upstairs is frigid. So that's not an option.

But seriously. What the fuck? WHAT IS GOING ON??? Why can't I have cats who aren't weird assholes? Is it me? Do I push them over the edge and make them this way? All I know is that I can't afford a super pack of toilet paper every week.

So.. what should I do?? Does anyone know where I can get quality toilet paper for cheap??

21 comments:

Oilfield Trash said...

I am not sure what to tell you about this.

Were the cats doing the tp before or after the all night long 69? Because if it is post 69, you can't blame them for wanting to clean up themselves a little bit.

Anna @ The Owl and The Phoenix said...

I got nothing for the cats. Mine did the same thing when I had ladybugs at the apartment. Thank God they don't do the tp thing - I have enough to deal with wiping Cleo's butt every day =/

Costco has decent tp for pretty cheap (Kirkland).

xo,
Anna

prettylittlereckless said...

TP friggen sucks. NEVER buy Scott tissue. Omg. Idk if it's just the one I got, but it was ONE PLY and it's horrible and yeah. How lame is it that it's so expensive when you're just using it to wipe your coocah. haha

Josie said...

This is why our cats live outside. Even when it's a billion below zero. That is pretty freaking hilarious though. I think you should no longer adopt just any old cat. You better check out their family history, because you've got some nutty fuckers on your hands.

Rancher Mom said...

Think of it this way - the more evil that the cats behave, the better chance that you will get a goat! Cause goats don't eat toilet paper or stare at ladybugs for hours.

Jandy xx said...

cats are such entertainment! and such trouble! I have a wall (thats thankfully behind a door) that i dont know what has happened, but the cats seem to think there is something behind it or something and have litterally scratched the paint away. its like taller than they are, so no chance of a mouse being in the wall or anything, they are just fucked up!

Tina said...

Maybe try a hanging style cat scratching board, one of the cardboard kind, on the door knob to the bathroom. If they still decide to use the tp, you can beat them with it.

My cat used to get into my tampon box, unwrap one and spend the day playing with the tube, wrapper and the cotton "mouse". One day he got into the fridge...yes, believe it or not and brought a package of sausages to the front door. When I got home, he was sitting with the sausages looking at me like "gonna' cook these mofo's up or what bitch?"

Thegoodthebadthewtf.blogspot.com

middle child said...

Try a little catnip. That will leave them stoned and relaxed. Works fo me. Well...not that I have cats but,..oh, well, just ignore me, ok?

Mom Taxi Julie said...

Hahaha love the first comment! My advice is to stick the TP somewhere else until you "need it". They'll probably grow out of the real bad mischief.

marriah246 said...

omg! i just found your blog when i was looking up random stuff on google:) and now ur cats are going insane! my dog chews kleenex, but only the used part.ew. luv the blog!

marriah246 said...

omg ur cats are KRAZY. is it bcuz their owner is? jk:) i just found ur blog while looking up cures for the "crimson wave" cramps and i got ur hubby raping a cat w/ a qtip. awkward yet freaking hilarious! my dog chews kleenex but only the part that is used. ew. bleach does make u a rockstar! luv the blog. u r now truly my lamb whore leader;> cant wait 2 read more!

Ruth said...

When my cat Lacey was a kitten she used to tear up the toilet paper when we were gone. She never did it when we were home. It was like she was punishing us for leaving her alone.
And she also loves eating fluff. If she gets a hold of stuffing from a ratty chair she chows down and starts running around like she's on crack or something.
She stares at ladybugs too.
We have to keep anything Styrofoam up or she will eat it and I'm sure that's not good.

I know white cloud used to have coupons on their website. They sell that at Walmart. You could also do a search for toilet paper coupons on the internet.

Seana said...

hmm... Thank goodness I've never had to deal with the toilet paper issue!

Do you have a cupboard or enclosed shelf anywhere near the toilet? Maybe you could store all of your TP in there, and still have it in reach when you need it? (and the cats won't be able to get to it and decorate like it's homecoming week :p)

http://mymindfulexplorations.blogspot.com/

Ang said...

I don't know where to find cheap paper asdie from changing to a cheaper brand...

However, WTF is wrong with your cats that they eat cotton balls with nail polish remover and used pads?! My cat cannot stand the smell of remover when I use it...

I mean... it's KINDA funny... but not really funny at all. I'd be pissed if it were happening to me.

Annah said...

Cats are absolutely nuts. All of them.

But so pretty :) Deal with it, Miss Thang.

Kendra Smith said...

Oh wow. Those little shits!! Your having cat problems...and I'm having dog problems!!

Your cats are really cute though. I can't wait to get a cat!! :)

Kevin Michael said...

Easy answer: Kill the Cats, stuff them, and keep them in the house somewhere where they will accent the room.

Jen @ Dear Mommy Brain said...

Did I miss something? Why did you go to the laundry room to pee?

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

Well.. this worked for us, mostly... don't put the toilet paper on a roll. If it doesn't spin it's no fun to cats or toddlers. We have one of those 'over the toilet' shelf organizers over the toilet and we just put the toilet paper on the lowest shelf where anyone seated can still reach it, but it's not wide enough for the cats to feel safe jumping up to it.

And we bough the 'toilet surround' as it were exactly because of a cat shredding problem.

Special K said...

I am here from LBS Tea Party and just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in the crazy cat category. Mine likes to meow constantly all night long.

~dawn said...

Ha ha !! Dog person here, but my boxer has his own antics! I SO would love to have the dog whisperer stop by today, however! My daughter's doggie is visiting; a shepherd and the two are NOT digging one another!

What if you put the tp in a cute wicker basket behind on top of the toilet tank? They would not have the fun of unraveling the roll?
~d