Thursday, April 28, 2011

I'm PMS'ing so that means I'm angsty and possibly stabby.

Let's just talk about things that are pissing me off this week, mmkay?

1. If you are a customer of Petco and you are bringing your giant GoldenDoodle doggie (which is adorable, btw) to help you pick out pet products... please make your dog shit and piss before going on a car ride. Now, I know dogs piss everywhere. They are fans of pissing on everything. I get it. But do not let your dog shit all over the sidewalk that several stores share and then all over the pedestrian walk way people use and NOT PICK IT UP. You are disgusting and rude. That is so out of line it's unbelievable. You may be talking about your baby daddy and his new whore on your iPhone, but you can't tell me that you cannot see the giant piles of shit your dog is leaving.

2. If you are driving along and happen to see a bear and her cub on the side of the road chilling out? Don't stop your car. Don't get out of your car. Don't bring your fucking toddlers mere feet away from a bear cub. You know why? Because mama bears don't like people fucking with their cubs, yo. She will maul your mother fucking sorry ass and you will be laughed at because I'm sure SOMEONE will be taping this on their iPhone and put it on YouTube. Would you let a bear come up and sniff your baby? Would you? (If you answered yes, you should have your kids taken away.) If you answered no, then you  have to assume SHE doesn't want YOU checking out her baby. A) They are probably lost since hello- they are just getting around after hibernation B) They are probably looking for food and stuff. I know that they are more scared of us but still. Don't rely on that when you standing 3 feet from a baby cub. Idiots.

3. If you are going to ignore the law (as of December 2010) that you cannot text while driving, please at least pretend to care about me as you almost side swipe me. And don't give me the finger when I'm clearly in my lane and you are very clearly raping the center line and ass fucking my lane. It's not ok and when I honk like a maniac don't call me a bitch. Because you Mr. Audi driving while texting on your BlackBerry need to stay in your fucking lane asshole.

4. If you are at say... a craft store, and you are buying two items? It does not mean it's ok for you to cut in front of me and my 8 items. No. I don't really give a fuck if you have two items. I don't care if your ice cream is melting in the car. You should have thought about long lines before you went ice cream shopping, moron. Not only do I not care, but neither does the 5 people behind me, who have been waiting for the slowest cashier in the world.

5. And if you are the slowest cashier in the world? You should not be a cashier if you don't know the value of coins. Do they not teach that in school anymore? When I give you a quarter, I expect you to know that is $.25, not a $.15. Because this may surprise you, slowest cashier in the world, but the United States doesn't have a coin with a value of $.15. We also don't have a coin that's worth $.55 and I don't care what color you think that coin is. (Yes, this actually happened tonight and a manager had to explain it to her because she didn't believe me.)

6. Then after that I stopped at Wendy's for a chicken sandwich with no mayo and a small coke. Do you know what they said???? "Why don't you want mayo?" Um, DOES IT FUCKING MATTER???? I'm having a debate through a drive thru intercom with some punk. So I get to the window and the kid seems angry that I don't want mayo because "who can eat a chicken sandwich without mayo? It's kind of messed up." Seriously.

I need to just not leave my house for the rest of the night, even though I have a lot of errands to do yet today. They will all wait because I can't take any more. I'm at my max for the day. I think we'd have less serial killers if they just learned when to stop going out in public. I'm hoping that works for me. At least for today.

19 comments:

Jennifer Kay said...

Ass fucking your lane? Do not make me piss myself.

middle child said...

And THAT is why I prefer staying home. Peace.

SherilinR said...

i like your stabby, potty mouthy rant-o-rama. and i intend to use the phrase "raping the center line" next time the opportunity presents itself. thank you.

Jandy xx said...

you just wrote my blog post, like seriously... pehaps i'd change a few things, like the slowest cashier in the world would be the biggest fucking tosser of a customer, but you get my point!! hope tomorrow is better gorgeous!

Dana Leigh said...

I know that life sucked for you this week but I want to let you know I got huge entertainment value out of this post. These rants are exactly why we like you.

Ruth said...

Why do the rude, dumb ass people seem to multiply faster than the rest of us?

Oilfield Trash said...

Wow just wow.

AP said...

lmao lmao...... once again- I effing love your posts. Totally laughed at the DT thing, because seriously.... omg I miss working in fast food sometimes and hearing these dumb encounters :)

Mom Taxi Julie said...

People are so stupid!

Jo-Anne Mother and Nanna said...

I don't know about you but I have a habit of often picking the lane witht the slowest ever checkout operator, who can't pack a bag if their life depended on it..........

Now we don't have bears but we do have dingos and some people are just so stupid..........you do not go and pat a dingo why because the will at best bite you at worst maul you.....so if you are stupid enough to try and pat a dingo or even stupider let you child pat a dingo who is to blame when the dingo attacks you......Yes they will blame the dingo.......

My daughter told me this morning she often feels that old people who walk or drive real slow should be confinde to their homes......lol

____j said...

I'm glad I read this before I went to school today. I was already all cheery because it's my last day of internship and all, but this made me laugh so hard, I don't think anything can bring me down now ;)

Ang said...

shitty shit yo. If Mr. Audi with the BB would have hit you, it would have been hit fault... you shoulda side swiped him. kidding, mostly.

Here's to a better weekend. It's nice down here today, hopefully that holds true for you as well!

Annah said...

I am with middle child. Staying home seems to be best. And cheaper.

Unless you go on an OnDemand movie spree. Then the bill comes later and pam! :(

Okay I'll stop now.

Lost.in.Idaho said...

Give this woman a:

Baseball bat
Personal Cameraman
Infinite amount of 'Get out of jail free' cards

And lets watch the fun.

Sorry the whole world is pissing you off. But hey! Good news! Rage burns calories...

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

I gotta agree with the kid at the drive thru. Wendy's & BKs chicken sandwiches need mayo. Arbys are ok without

CinfulCinnamon said...

Remind me to come look you up, next time I need backup in a fight. I don't care WHAT they are packin...gun, knife, flamethrower. My money is on you girlie.

Stopping by from LBS

ixy said...

Sadly, what Ruth said is true. The stupid people don't understand birth control either and are slowly taking over the world. Unfortunately they breed faster than their stupidity eliminates them from the gene pool.

Steff said...

I laughed hysterically at 1-5 and then i got to #6 and DIED. Hahahahahahahaha that is so funny, I can totally see some kid saying that. It's such a small meaningless thing but it's hilarious!

Sorry about a shitty week, but I'm so glad you're funny. =]

Eileen said...

Turns out that I don't have social anxiety which is why I don't leave my house. I don't leave my house b/c I don't want to run into all the fucking morons on the beltway. Oh yeah...it was that. fucking idiots. I'm surprised you didn't kill someone. Did you tell that person with two items to get in the back of the line? I would have been too nice and been like well umm...ahh...ohh...ehhh. I'm a pushover.