Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I'm a good mom. I should have gotten it on tape. My bad.

So this last Sunday was Mother's Day and it was a pretty good day overall. Although I don't drink, staying out until after bar close on Saturday made me feel hung over. Which wasn't good because I was still exhausted from Friday night's festivities. Matt usually never does anything for me on Mother's Day so I sent him out to his parent's house to spend the day with his mom, and he brought the kids with. (They were excited since one of my in-law's whore cats had kittens again.) I had brunch with Amy, brought my brother food that probably made his hangover worse while he was at work, and then hung out with my mom.

BUT Matt did get my flowers. And this was what they looked like for the first 30 minutes. Then the cats ate them.
 But the best part of my Mother's Day was having Matt tell me that I was a good mom. He did say he knows this for a fact now because after being with them Friday night and most of Saturday on his own, he knows he is not cut out for stay-at-home-Dad duties. He also said he now realizes how much work I actually do. AND that he will gladly work obscene amounts of over time at work. :)

This is a complete win for me.

Because even though I go out and am able to hang out with my friends a lot, I am with the kids a LOT more than Matt. To his credit, Matt usually works 4 am until 4 pm Monday-Friday, then works almost every Saturday (it's rare that he's off on a Saturday) and every other Sunday. For him to have almost 80 hours in a week isn't unusual. And some days he doesn't take a lunch or break at work, goes in at 3, sometimes stays later, sometimes works really late on a Saturday, etc but he really, REALLY likes his job. I don't worry that he'll work himself into the ground because he gets excited to go to work. And honestly? We all benefit from not just his paychecks (which allow us to not have credit card debt.. FINALLY) but him being happy when he comes home.

With that being said, that means I deal with about 80% of the kid duties. All of the tantrums, the fighting, the throwing, the hitting, the spilling of drinks on everything, coloring on walls, coloring on my couch, picking up the toys, laundry, cleaning, etc. Almost all of it is mine, all mine. And honestly? Some days I feel like a machine. And some days I just look at them and their cuteness and it's OK.
 Like when I ask Jackson if he was eating the dirt again and he says no. But it's clear he did because he has dirt all around his mouth.
 Or when they want to play together and fight over someone's toy. This is Jackson's map toy he got from my parents for his birthday. My dad is an over the road truck driver and is gone a lot, but they talk to him every day on the phone and he always tells them where he is. And that's cool because then we pull out the map and I can show the kids where Grandpa is. The best is when Jackson talks into the map and says "Hi Hampa!!" thinking my dad can hear him. Or when he tells me Grandpa is in Massacheez-its.
 Oh. Or when Olivia tells Jackson to put marker on his face. Then they both tell me they weren't doing that.
Or when I look at Olivia and wonder where all of the last five years has gone. She's starting Kindergarten in the fall and today at school they were practicing their songs for preschool graduation. I'm not going to lie- I teared up.

So despite the fact that some days I struggle, some days I feel like driving away as fast and as far as possible, some days I cry because I'm so frustrated and I have no fucking clue as to what I'm doing and some days I get so pissed off at Matt for YET AGAIN trashing the house right after I spent my entire Saturday cleaning it.... I figure there is nothing else in my life that will have any tangible reward like being a mom. Someday I'll watch my kids grow up and have careers and families of their own. And someday I hope my kids look back and think I did a good job. But I don't know. Because honestly I have not a damn clue what I'm doing and I feel grossly unprepared. I never put thought into how hard raising a human being is.

To all of my friends with babies on the way and the ones in the trenches of motherhood now? You have not one thing to complain about. The work you are doing is easy ass compared to toddler hood and beyond. Try explaining to a kid why they can't do something without using the "just because" line. I mean, really think about that kind of stuff. I have no idea why we can't wear underwear on our head. I have no good reason. And I'm not going to lie- I am terrified of Olivia entering school all day. It's like she isn't really mine anymore, you know? She'll be influenced by other kids and she'll experience things without me. All I can do now is hope that my nagging is helping her make good choices. Ugh.

Anyways. So it was a good Mother's Day for me. I hung out with my mom and that's fun. My brother and I bought her tickets to see Sheryl Crow (post on that tomorrow) and a pedicure (which I get to get one too.. woo hoo!). Oh, and my already eaten flowers. They were lovely.

So before I sign off.... if you want a Dear Sara post this Friday you need to send me questions ASAP to sarastrand9438(at)hotmail(dot)com. They can be of anything- questions about me, your problems answered by me, or if you want my opinion on something. Anything, something. Funny or serious. Giddy up.

11 comments:

prettylittlereckless said...

Aww... you ARE a fantastic mom :)

ps- can I hire you as my nanny when I have kids? Thanks :) haha

Lost.in.Idaho said...

Sounds like an amazing mother's day. You are so blessed to have such an amazing family. :)

Mom Taxi Julie said...

People tell me I'm a good mom but I worry that I've really fucked up my kids sometimes. Hopefully they can afford therapy when they grow up.

Jo-Anne Rambling said...

Being a mum is the hardest job you could ever do and it is the most rewarding watching them grow and hoping you have installed in them the right amount of knowledge to make the right decisions as they go through life........it is also the only job you will never retire from you will always be a mum first, last and always. If you are luky when they become adults you will start to worry less about them but as the mother of 3 grown daughters I can tell you I still worry about my girls.

When my second daughter was a teenager I had many many sleepless nights worring about her and how she would turn out she was a rebel and as odd as it sounds both her father and I hoped at times that she would fall pregnant as we felt that would make her settle down....and it did when it happened.

Now that I have rampled on a bit about just being a mum, I want to tell you that I can tell by your blog that you are a wonderful mum and your children are lucky to have such a great mother.........

Oilfield Trash said...

So since he know acknowledges how valuable you are, does this mean you can finally get that goat that you want?

Dana Leigh said...

I'm glad you had a nice Mother's Day and I'm also happy you are getting the recognition you deserve! My cats eat flowers too and I hate not being able to have fresh flowers in the house.

middle child said...

I want to take a trip to Massacheez-its. LOVE IT!

Ruth said...

One day when they get a little older, you will look at them and realize that you really did a great job. It's tough when they are little and you wonder if you are doing the right thing, but watching them turn out amazing feels really great.
The flowers are pretty.
Oh and you shouldn't wear panties on your head because it looks stupid.

Steff said...

I think it's so awesome that Grandpa calls from the road and that he can look at the map! That's such a cute way to stay in touch.

Happy Mother's day!

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

Happy Belated Mother's Day

Jo-Anne Mother and Nanna said...

What lovely flowers shame they got eaten but oh well such is life........

Men often do not understand how demanding and exhausting being the primary care giver is as it is usually us women who do it so when the men in our lives to it for a couple of days I cheer.....my husband didn't understand how I could be so exhausted at the end of the day when all I did was stay home and look after the kids......

As for you being a good mother never doubt you are I can tell from what I read here that you are, your kids love you heaps and you are always there for them and it is great that you get to go out and have some Sara time as that is so important........

You have beautiful children and I know you are proud of them and it is hard watching them get to that stage when they go off to school and you can no longer be there for them during the day it is scary but Oliva will be just fine at school...