The thing about having kids is you find yourself saying things (over and over and over) that you would never think you'd catch yourself saying. Such as:
1. I can't tell you how many times a day I say, "Jackson, tuck your pee pee" so he doesn't spray the entire bathroom in urine.
2. How many times a day do I ask the status on everyone's poop? Several.
3. If I'm lucky, everyone will poop but I have to be enthusiastic when they show me. I've refused to do the potty dance because I'm a terrible mother and that's what terrible mother's do. They don't do the potty dance. Instead, I've settled for, "Wow, Olivia! Good job! That's a big one!" as I grab the special spoon to break it up so it doesn't clog the toilet. Again.
4. If I'm not lucky, I have to have the "farting is a clue" conversation with both kids.
5. Today I reminded Matt that Jackson wants a dog. He told me today, "All I want is my own doggie. A real one. That licks." See? The boy just wants to be licked. Matt could easily make his dreams come true by getting Jackson a dog. A cute, fluffy one would also be ideal for Olivia. And me. But mostly Jackson. So after Matt telling me no (again), I told him I'm going to tell Jackson he can't get a doggy because daddy is mean and lazy. Matt thinks I'll only scar Jackson. I strive to be the favorite in every situation.
6. I had to yell at Batman because he's not only eating Q-tips again, but he's moved to chewing plastic bags to shreds. So my neighbor heard me say, "God dammit, Batman! Q tips are not food!". She was totally justified when she stared at my window like a crazy person lives here.
7. Also today I had a conversation with Olivia on how if you don't eat your meal you get no snacks. I'm sorry, but I don't feel bad for someone who refuses to eat her lunch then is begging for snacks an hour later. Sorry. This mama? Doesn't care. Sadly, I realize this only makes me sound exactly like my mom. Which is good and bad.
8. This afternoon I had to explain to Jackson why it's not OK to show people your pee pee. Even if you are proud of it. In addition, how it's not OK to play/tug on it even if it feels good on the couch. I keep telling him he needs to go to his room and I get no backup from Matt. Please tell me it's OK for me to tell him he has to do that in his room?!
9. Or why it's not OK to put sand down your pants even if it makes your butt feel weird.
10. This week I'm also battling with Matt on why he won't just fix something in the house. Instead, he just complains about having to do half ass fixes. I feel like, as adults, there is no reason we should be having the same conversation over and over again. If I have to explain to him why it'd be beneficial to fix the fucking laundry sink one more time, I will likely lose it. Today as I'm unplugging the sink and swearing, I saw red mist in my eyes. It was probably good he wasn't home because I am at my end.
I don't know what it is lately but I catch myself right after I say something and think, dammit. I'm such a grown up with kids. And that's scary. But truly, when I add up the times I talk about human excrement and how we keep certain body parts covered up, it's sad. This is my life, folks. This is it.