Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Kinky Fuckery and Fifty.

By *popular demand* I am going to give you my reaction to the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. My email inbox has gone completely insane with emails from you asking me if I've read it and what I thought about it. And instead of emailing you all back a detailed synopsis of this book, I've been all cryptic and said "ooh.. it's coming soon".

Bitches, the time has come.

If you have a vagina that is being actively used or not, you need to buy this book. It's not for the faint of heart. You will fill filthy and disgusting, maybe a little appalled at the sheer audacity of a man to even suggest such filthy things to a woman that has a certain level of violence, but then you will have a moment to about half way through the first book that will make your va jay jay tingly and you will no longer hesitate to consume these books.

I once had a boyfriend who suggested that he tie me up and basically beat me with a stick while having sex and I said hell to the fucking N-O because hello- closet woman abuser. It's like me giving you permission to do bodily harm to me. I would have ended up on Dr. Phil as one of those woman who are married to their abusers and are like, "oh but he LOVES me" as my one eye is swollen shut.

Fast forward to now when things in married-ville have hit a bit of a slump and Matt snores through the night so I often lay there with nothing going on. I started reading it and Christian Grey sounds hot. He obviously needs extensive counseling for some childhood issues, but regardless- he's hot and you know every woman deep down wants to be the one that fixes a man and makes him all better. Guys think it's always us that want to be rescued but no. We secretly have a need to be that one woman who turns the guy around and be reveled in other people's eyes as the best thing that's ever happened to him. So when Ana comes along and is completely that for Christian? Hello, makes us horny.

Then you enter in the whole BDSM aspect of it and at first, I was appalled. Like, really? People can get off while being spanked? Not like a light spank but I'm talking spank to the point where he gives her a cream for her ass, spanked. Damn. The second book is a little more hard core with the sex scenes and I have to say- I know it started off as Twilight fan fiction and I can see a lot of things that were pulled from Twilight, but after reading this? I much prefer the Christian/Ana relationship over Edward/Bella and you know I love me some Edward. I mean, Edward for life, bitches. But if I had to choose between Christian and Edward.. oh god. I just.. I don't.. I don't know who I'd pick to be honest. Thankfully, the chances of this happening are slim to none, but I will forever hold out hope like a loser.

Anyways.

Common complaints I've heard of the book are terms such as "inner goddess" being used (which is how Ana refers to herself in a way). You know what? I thought it was funny. Because as a woman who hasn't always been comfortable with my body I know I've had to fake it until I made it and kind of called to the skinny bitch that's still locked up inside. Another one is that it isn't realistic. Well no shit, it's a FICTIONAL book, whores. Do you think any billionaire is going to grab one of us up and make us his sexual slave but we'll secretly love it and dream of babies with him? Um, no. If you think that anything out of these books will happen to you, they have really nice people called therapists and they are in the phone book.

With that said- the thing about these books is that it can give you an unrealistic expectation of your mate. Honestly- I'm still in the phase of "I wish Matt didn't suck so fucking much and would it kill him to just take me on a date? And then strap me to a spreader bar?" On the other hand, I have been a little more adventurous than usual in the bedroom and because I'm absolutely fascinated about the things I read about in the book, Matt and I have hung out more than usual because it kind of sets the mood for later. So.. I guess it really depends on the relationship that you have. If you are contemplating divorce? Probably not something I recommend. If you are looking for a salacious read that hooks you? Definitely pick them up.

I also have heard mixed reactions on the ending. I happened to love it because it was the logical ending. Given what you find out about Christian- you can guess what his ultimate hurdle would be in overcoming childhood traumas. And it would only be right if Ana forced him to face those, although earlier than planned and unintentionally, if that had not happened I would have felt like another book was needed. But I think this is the first time I have finished a series and felt like another book was not needed. The author covered everything perfectly, wrapped it up nicely in three books, and I finished feeling satisfied. She may not be a professional long term writer, but for someone who didn't set out to be famous or have this book be published so widely, she did an amazing job.

7 comments:

middle child said...

I have mixed feelings about reading this trilogy. I'm pretty sure I want to but I think it'd be the death of Hunter. I have already sent him to the doctor. Had another guy name his vacuum cleaner after me and had to call an ambulance for my 2nd. husband. To be fair, he already had by-pass surgeries and a few heart attacks. Btw, I am not bragging. It's just that I worry about Hunter, you know?

Shannon @ Bungalow960 said...

I just finished them all for round two. Is round three too much?

Eileen Ward said...

I'm in the middle of the second book and I have to admit...that it actually sucks LESS than the first book. It still reads like fan fiction with short choppy sentences and some awful editing but...I can actually get into the story. Weirdly enough, this book isn't turning me on like the first. I actually want to read the story, not get off. Okay, too much tmi, but whatevs. We shall talk about this;). I'm going to a Slumber Parties by Eileen 50 Shades of Grey Package...I just need to have time to make up a flyer.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

I'm about 1/3 through the first book and OMG!! Can't even bring it to work to read on my lunch...

Mom Taxi Julie said...

I'm about 1/3 of the way through the first book and OMG I can't even bring it to work to read on my lunch, way too naughty!

Nina Smith said...

I have read all 3 more than once😀 waiting on the movie😀

Nina Smith said...

I have read all 3 more than once😀 waiting on the movie😀