Friday, June 29, 2012

Nebraska, Day Two. Also known as Awkward Catholic Wedding Day.

I think we all know that I'm not a fan of organized religion. I think it's just a big cult but whatever people need to cling to to get through life, you go for it. But Catholics are the ones who really piss me off because they have ridiculously long weddings.

The whole purpose of the Nebraska trip was to go to the wedding for Matt's third cousin. Yeah, you read that right, third cousin. Quite frankly, had I known this was a THIRD cousin I would not have agree to go because who invites a third cousin? Frankly, it's kind of gift grabby. I send Christmas cards to these people because my mother in law insists I do, and the fact that we don't get one back yet we're invited to this wedding? It's kind of fucking ballsy if you ask me. But alas, we've done our familial duty.

Anyways. We get to this church which is in the middle of fucking nowhere Nebraska and it's your typical country church. We get inside, it's much larger on the inside than it looks and it's actually really pretty. Despite not being religious, I do like to look at the interior of churches. Go figure. Anyways. Upon looking at the program I can't help but notice that the flower girl? Is the groom's daughter. Um, hold the fucking boat. Now, I know I'm not Catholic (although I am baptized Catholic, take that, baby Jeebus!)but I'm fairly certain that having a Catholic ceremony when you've been married or have out of wed lock kids is kind of frowned upon? I mean, I know you can confess your sins and shit but really? I feel like this is the worst part of religion that makes it lose it's point- if you can just confess and say you're sorry and all is well... what religious lesson are you really learning here? Anyways, that was just odd.

Not to mention the surprising amount of adult women (and not just 20somethings, folks) coming into church with skirts short enough that I can see butt cheeks and clothes that look like they are going clubbing afterwards. Now, I was always taught that you had to go to church dressed modestly and covered the fuck up, so I had a sleeveless dress but I brought a light sweater to put over my arms because hello- I don't need a plastic Jesus staring at me from the wall being all judgey.

Not to mention? It was hot as fuck in there and long as hell. Is communion necessary for these things? Is all of the praying really important especially when the divorce rate is like 50% or something? I mean, let's all save ourselves some time and get to the meal. But for kids who never go to church? Mine were best behaved, hands down. The church kids are whiny, crying, screaming, climbing on their parents, it was ridiculous.

 But they made it through it and were total troopers.

The reception was in another little town down the road so we left the church and headed there. And quickly got real fucking bored waiting for the party to get started.

 Thank god they had snacks in the form of Gardetto's (no, I'm not joking) because the meal itself was really crappy. But before we get to that? The bride and groom left the church in a "party bus" which is not as nice as a party bus in say... a city. Because that usually entails a really nice limo or some super nice converted bus that doesn't look ghetto. Nope, not here. It's like a retired city bus painted red. Not joking. And they pull it INTO the reception venue, again.. not joking.And they all get off the bus while I really terribly edited version of that annoying Black Eyed Peas "I Gotta A Feeling" song played. Not joking. It ends abruptly and the party is taken down into the negatives.
 Matt got stuck talking to senile old people while I entertained the kids at the table. The meal was pork, corn and what I suspect to be some kind of potato though I can't be sure. The thing to note about the meal was that it was cold. And gross. I also was reminded that both families here are pig farmers, so a lot of Little Wilbur's were killed for this meal and that just upped the gross factor. Those who know me know that I like my foods processed and injected with as many dyes as possible. We left after the desert bar because that was mostly chocolate cool whip being passed off as cheesecake. Bitches, I know cheesecake and what you're offering me is not cheesecake.
 So before we left, we took an obligatory family photo.
 Then a really great one of Matt and I. This might be my new favorite picture of us.

On the way to the reception I saw this sign that was everything I could have hoped for while visiting a hick farming community and more. So on the way back to the hotel I made Matt drive out of his way so I could get a good picture of it. Once you see it, you'll understand why I do these things for you.
Because nothing else in the world would cap of a day of hick proportions such as this sign. There are so many oral sex connotations here that it kind of proves innocence is still alive somewhere.

7 comments:

Naila Moon said...

Soooo...you didn't like the wedding. ROFL!!!

Yes, Catholic weddings can get pretty long depending on who is doing the wedding. I have been in two.

As for the Groom's daughter, it happens. As in wedding #2 that I was in.

My weddings?
1st-What I call the 10 minute K-Mart special at the courthouse.

2nd-in our condo-25 minutes

I would have liked to have a bigger wedding but dang, cost and who needs a 3 hour wedding?

You cracked me up!

~Naila Moon
http://yaknowstuff.blogspot.com/

Jennifer Kay said...

Why you wanna make me giggle on the plastic Jebus judging your bare arms? HILARIOUS.

That is also my new fave pic of you and Matt, looks like a professional one...for real.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

I kind of don't even like weddings at all anymore. Just seems like everyone is going to get divorced anyways and watching them spend so much money makes me feel sick lol.

Shannon @ Bungalow960 said...

Catholic weddings are the worst. Take it from a Catholic. I went to 4 CATHOLIC WEDDINGS LAST SUMMER. Death.

scrapperjen said...

OMG - freakin' hilarious! Glad you survived!

Life Love & High Heels said...

Weddings are all around kinda horrible in general. This is why I will not be having a traditional one if I ever find my prince ;) Glad you survived! And that billboard! OH MY!

FinnyKnits said...

OK, so the wedding you went to in NE was as bad as the one we went to.

I think it's a stupid NE hick thing.

And that sign is priceless. Well done on getting that photo. Totally worth the eyerolling you certainly got from Matt for forcing him to drive out of the way to get it.