Thursday, September 6, 2012

And then I birthed a baby.

HA! I bet you think this is a post about how pregnant I am.

But you'd be wrong!

It's about that one time I had a baby named Olivia and I was scared I was going to poop at the same time and be known as that crappy first time mom. HA! Get it?

You see, seven years ago today I became a mom for the first time and I was terrified. I don't even think terrified is the right word, but I was legit scared. Even when they handed her to me I was so scared to hold her because *fun fact alert* she was the first baby I had ever held. My friends had babies and I seriously would refuse to hold them for fear I would be that asshole that seriously hurt their kid because that's how I roll. Give me something precious and valuable, I will probably break it and/or lose it. Now I'm an old pro that is like the baby whisperer, but back then I was not.
 In fact in the early days I'm convinced Olivia hated me and I would cry when she cried and then Matt would walk in and she'd be this perfect baby minus the projectile vomit, and I'd give her dirty looks and secretly wave my fist in the air cursing baby Jeebus for giving me a mommy hating heathen baby. That's what un-diagnosed and untreated post partum depression will do to you.

But on that first day I felt like I had taken on something larger than me, and all at once I was overwhelmed with all of this responsibility, absolutely no idea how to care for a baby, and I was terrified. I cannot stress how terrified I was.
 But here I am, holding my baby girl exactly one minute after pushing her into the world with almost no effort considering I slept through almost all of my labor courtesy of an epidural, smiling and terrified. At this moment, a super nice doctor was stitching my vagina and I'm holding this little girl who would become my world. She has taught me so much about life, the world, about me, that I couldn't have gotten in any other way.
 And don't get me wrong, her first seven years haven't been easy in any way. I have struggled as I learn how to be a mom and this little girl is always changing things up on me, presents me with new challenges every day, and scares the crap out of me when I realize I still have so much more to learn and she's virtually my test child. That's the thing about being the oldest- your parents are basically using you as the guinea pig and it's hard on them and you as the parent.

But my dear Olivia... is the kindest, sweetest, funniest, smartest, prettiest, most generous, most helpful little girl around. Sometimes she says or does things that blow me away because I don't know how she can seem so old sometimes but then turn around and do something more her age. This girl tugs at a special spot in my heart because she is so like me- sometimes it makes our relationship a little harder- but I so understand how she feels a lot of times.
And I love her with all of my heart. I would do anything for this little girl and sometimes Matt and I look at her and can't believe that our first baby is already seven. She's almost half way to driving, she talks about boys, she wants sleepovers and shopping sprees, and I am blown away. To say that these seven years have blown by is an understatement. For every struggle, every cry session I've had wondering if I'm even a good mom, to every late night of non sleep, to every bathroom battle: I wouldn't change a thing, and it's been a complete privilege to be her mom.

So Olivia? Happy birthday, beautiful. You have made me the happiest mommy on the block and I love watching you grow into the awesome person I know you'll be. Love you babycakes.

5 comments:

Amber said...

Wow. Happy birthday sweet Olivia. She gets bigger and more beautiful with every picture you post.

And by the way, if you have spent nights lying in bed worrying about whether or not you are a good mother....that in itself tells me that you are not a good mother....you are a GREAT mother.

XXOO

Krystle said...

They always grow wayyyyy too fast!!!!

Shannon @ Bungalow960 said...

God she's so damn cute. I'm the person that people feel will steal their babies. I almost made off with newborn twins last weekend, but then I realized how much work that would be.

____j said...

She was so tiny! Happy Birthday, Olivia!!

Mom Taxi Julie said...

Happy Birthday to Olivia! The whole test run with the first child, lol, that's for sure!