Saturday, September 29, 2012

I'm fucking exhausted.

Seriously. Today has been such a god damn struggle and now that I have the option of going to bed I feel like I need to do something fun just to make the day worthwhile. Let's talk about it, shall we?


1. I woke up at 5:30 am with the sound of both Olivia and Jackson screaming at each other and doors slamming. 

2. Then around 8 Olivia informs me that she believes she has diarrhea and it's in her underwear. But she can't just rationally say it, she's sobbing and screaming at me. But I know she has no diarrhea because she hasn't pooped in days and I know she has been lying and saying she has. How? Well because yesterday she smelled like a sewage treatment facility and had what we would describe as run marks in her underwear. She swears she doesn't feel the urge to poop. 

3. At approximately 8:37 am I promptly lose my shit because I'm completely over her and her poop issues at age 7 and I'm angry that I will likely be giving an enema without Matt here and that makes me stabby. 

4. 8:39 am - enema is threatened. Only to find I do not have the supplies on hand for said enema. 

5. I then decide I'm going to take some mommy time out time and take the longest shower my hot water tank will allow. Turns out, this is only 38 minutes for some reason and I make a mental note to let Matt know we've got a problem. 

6. At 10am I decided we are going to the library before I forget to return our stuff. 

7. We get home at around 10:45 and I make Olivia go sit on the toilet until something happens because I obviously forgot to stop at Target to get an enema. I start looking for her laxative drink stuff. 

8. Approximately 10:53 and I am frantically trying to open windows and find the Febreeze because Olivia's bowel has apparently emptied itself. It ends up being the largest turd I have ever seen. At this moment I regret my decision making her use the toilet that is easily clogged. 

9. 11:01 and I am really angry that this is the day Matt chooses to work on the weekend as I am trying to unclogged a toilet and break down a turd with the emergency spoon. (don't ask)

10. Fast forward to this evening when Jackson starts screaming about the shower spray being too rough on his butt and Olivia is screaming because there is a fly in her room. "Serenity Now" does not even cover the things I wanted to scream back at them both. 

We did go see the movie Hotel Transylvania and it was really great and funny so that was a good part of the day. And then I bought a new book so that was nice, too. But the non stop arguing, bickering, whining, and just stress of not being able to pee alone is really getting to me. I told Matt when he came home that today is one of those days where I absolutely understand why people abandon their kids. It's fucking hard to do this each and every day and still want to wake up the next morning. I am starting to feel like maybe there is something legit wrong with me that I no longer enjoy parenting. Seriously. The times where I feel joy about being a parent are becoming far and few between. Sure, they do cute things and my heart wants to burst with love for them but that's not what I'm talking about. Don't doubt my love for my kids because I don't. 

I'm talking about those moments when you feel at peace with your choice about being a parent, feeling like you've got a good grip on your job as a parent and at least a brief idea on how to do it, and feeling like this is what you were meant to do. These moments are so far apart I can't remember the last time I felt one. 

And to be honest? That is kind of scary. Like, what the hell is wrong with me? Why do I feel like everything I do isn't making a difference or worth it? I feel like with all of the effort and work I put in I should at least make me feel like I'm doing a good job. Instead, I'm so burned out, stressed and exhausted that I'm trying to find ways to get a break from it all. 

I can't even get mad at Matt because he is working a LOT. He's put in almost 65 hours this week at his regular job. Then today, after working a few hours at his job he went and did some roofing for 9 hours. It's like this all week. I can't even tell him to stop working so much and fucking help me out because we need the money right now and it's just a gross cycle. Even if he doesn't work, he's at home totally bumming it out on the couch, taking naps and playing Diablo 3 for hours so either way- I'm basically single parenting it. 

*sigh*

So that's my rant. I knew you'd all appreciate a good poop story. Livin' the dream, yo. 

7 comments:

Ryan Adair said...

Hang in there girl! If I lived near you I'd take those little rascals off your hands for a few hours so you could have some "me time".

Just remember that it is okay to feel dissatisfied, and that doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you real!

My mom use to make us have mandatory "quiet time" in our rooms, alone, for about an hour on weekends-- in the afternoon on Saturday and before dinner on Sunday's. She didn't care WHAT we did as long as we stayed in our rooms and didn't destroy anything.

If we misbehaved during this time we were excluded Saturday's dessert (the only day of the week we were allowed dessert)-- if we offended twice in one weekend, we lost privileges (tv/video games, playing with friends, etc) each time we were good we got a star...and if we didn't have enough stars in a row we couldn't go to birthday parties, field trips, etc. So there was incentive to just sit in our rooms and be good. Lol. My mom occasionally bent the rules-- but not without a lecture re: the importance of quiet time, and following rules. Haha.

Amber said...

Sara, I have said it before and I will say it again...all that frustration, and anxiety and questioning whether or not ou are doing the job right or the idea that someting is "wrong" with you because you get so frustrated with them is what makes you a good parent.

Its the ones that are so fucking shitty, and do shitty things to their kids, and always SAY shitty things to their kids and just act like they are the fucking parents of the year....THOSE are the ones that are fucking terrible parents. Like my neice (the one that had the baby that Joshua and I were supposed to adopt)....she just fucking walked out on her kid. FOR THIRTEEN DAYS no one knew where she was at. She actually came home, saw her two year old crying and reaching for her, and she fucking packed a bag, turned her back on her crying child and walked out the door for 13 days!! AND SHE THINKS SHE IS A GOOD MOTHER!! She will actually tell you that to your face and is always posting shit on FB about how much she loves her child and would do anything for her because she is the world's #1 mother.

THAT is a shitty parent.

As for the poop story, you know I live for those, right?

XXOO

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

Oh I've got poop stories. My oldest has bowel issues & lives on laxatives since he was about 3 and now at nearly 10 it is a constant trial because I still have to 'monitor' the situation & at 10 he really hates his mom cross examining him every time he uses the toilet.
I hear about not always loving your choice to be a parent. It comes and goes with me at times, usually when a few days of no additional parenting input from the spouse happen. I would seriously suck if I had to single parent all the time

Lin said...

Holy cow, you need a vacation away from this hectic life of yours. You're like superwoman.

Sorry to hear the day was pretty bad. Hopefully, the weekend will get better for you. And, I know I shouldnt have laughed at Olivia's giant turd but I totally did.

Shannon @ Bungalow960 said...

Come to Omaha for the weekend. Stay in my guest room and we will watch True Blood on dvd and eat a shit ton of chicken fingers. You need a break girl.

Ruth said...

Has Olivia's doctor ever mentioned her maybe having food sensitivities? Sometimes that can cause digestive problems. My daughter had to be limited on her dairy when she was younger.
I think every parent goes through hating being a parent.

____j said...

There is nothing wrong with you! I think everyone gets like that from time to time, especially when you don't have a lot of help. I know the days when Adelei is super cranky & Aaron has to work from 5am to 7pm, I feel like ripping my hair out.