As of late I feel really stressed out about a whole bunch of things and then stress eventually turns into anger. It's probably the worst feeling in the world to lash out in anger at the closest person to you (usually your kids) and know it's because of nothing they did, but just unrealistic pressures you put on yourself. I fully understand that all of the things I feel responsible for are of my own doing, and nobody is pressuring me into them. I just have this need to be really great, useful, organized, super on top of it all that I over extend myself. Then the thought of disappointing a person is the second worst feeling so I often stay up longer than I should to finish whatever I said I would and then be exhausted the next day. It's a really unhealthy way to live but the thought of not having these things to occupy my time is also kind of a scary thing too.
So here's a brief list of things that keep me up at night:
- Jackson starts 4K tomorrow. I'm secretly freaking the fuck out because he is my baby. I am somehow not at all ready for this and I love that he's enthusiastic about going because I'm hoping that keeps me from crying hysterically tomorrow morning.
- Olivia had her first sleepover this weekend and I'm thrilled with how well she did. No middle of the night phone calls to come get her and she had nothing but good things to say about the entire night. But not going to lie, have you seen that movie Remember Me? It's one of my favorites, but there's a scene where the little girl goes to a party with other girls and they end up chopping her hair off. That girl has always reminded me of Olivia and that kept me up all night.
- I'm a super over protective parent and this is making me worry. Am I fucking my kids up? How do you know when to loosen the reigns? How do I not freak out about every little thing? I talked with my dad about this a few weeks ago and he said I need to lighten up. But I seriously feel like I can't and I don't know why. I have such a fear of my kids turning out to be heathens on drugs or knocked up at 14 it's suffocating sometimes. I'm totally irrational and I know that but I worry.
- I need to stop watching that show Holmes on Homes because it makes me freak out that I live in a hoopty house and something horribly wrong is going to happen. Every crack in the foundation is making me think I'll come home to a house that has totally caved in. I think I'm driving Matt nuts with my 100 questions during every episode.
- Matt and I had a discussion today about the validity of trading in my minivan for something else and while I'd love to get a newer vehicle- having a car payment is freaking me out. I always think the absolute worst when it comes to money and this is no exception.
- And that's mainly because we have no savings left. We had a lot of things to fix on the house, and then everything I have had set aside is now going to car repairs and paying off the Chicago trip. So I know I need to revisit our ol' monthly budget and freaking stick to it. This is ridiculous.
- My entire front porch is full of tomatoes and I don't even like tomatoes.
- I met a woman yesterday who is currently waging her own war against breast cancer and it freaked me out. She's the first person I have ever met face to face who is currently dealing with it and I wanted to cry for her. I don't even really know her but I just feel like hugging her every day and tell her she's going to be OK no matter the outcome. Which someone told me that's a terrible thing to say but I don't feel like it is- because no matter what the outcome is meant to be, a person should go forward knowing either way it's going to be OK. They will be OK. I don't really think we die and that's just it, I think it's just a detour in the journey, you know?
- I'd really like to know why my neighbors are such fucking rude assholes. They don't talk to any of us nice ones, but they associate with the sex offender all of the time. This truly baffles me.
- I need to start running again. I feel like I have so much stress and anxiety eating me alive that I have to do something. I start Zumba again on Thursday though.
That's a few things. I'd write more but the dryer just made a loud clunk clunk noise for no reason so I need to investigate. Hope for the best, yall.