Monday, October 8, 2012

Maybe I won't be chunky forever.

So though it appears I've fallen off the skinny bitch wannabe wagon since I haven't posted anything about it in weeks (seriously, I can't even find my last post), I want you to know that I am firmly clutching the rail of said wagon.

In other words, I'm still working out and resisting the urge to eat pizza and spicy chicken sandwiches (no mayo) from Wendy's every day of my life.

It's helped because my friend Tammy and I have been going to Zumba every Thursday and now Sundays. If I could manage to go on Tuesday I totally would but then Olivia would be late for dance every time. If I could convince Matt to fucking help me out and just drop her off, then I could go. But then it would cut into my time with the other dance moms and honestly- I look forward to Tuesdays for that alone.

So, Zumba on Thursday and Sunday. It's going well. I still look like a hot ass mess with my fat deposits jiggling long after I've stopped. For having a Kardashian ass it's not as easy to sexily shake it like you see on TV. Seriously. Try gyrating your ass like a stripper and see what happens. I'm convinced these women are earning every germ infested, crumpled up dollar they get because to make your ass jiggle while nothing else does? That's talent, yo. I'm woman enough to admit I could never be a stripper for this reason alone.

Despite the fact of being in baton and dance for years, all of my rhythm and balance has seriously disappeared. I've discovered that I can no longer stand on my right foot for very long. Left foot? All day, bitches. Right foot? I will fall over like a stroke victim in rehab. I can do all the moves involving my left side but my right side is so uncoordinated, it's like half my brain can't comprehend doing the same thing just on the other side. It's bizarre. And I'm sure the ladies behind me think maybe I am a stroke victim instead of a moron with no skills.

And when your instructor tells you not to do every squat (all 100 of them throughout the hour) fully if you aren't used to it? She's not joking. You will get stuck on the toilet when your thighs cannot get you up and you will need assistance by your seven year old, while your four year old laughs at you. You will walk as if you have a full diaper and nobody will take you seriously when you brace the chair and table to sit down and get up. It's not cute and you need to not do that again.

But you will because you are stupid and you will find yourself in the same position. Except this time you won't be able to sit on the toilet fast enough and you will need new pajamas. I don't know first hand obviously, but this is just what I'm assuming. Totally. 

So yes, I'm still exercising. Diet? Meh- I'm not even trying. I won't even lie. I fucking love me some french fries. Honestly, baby Jeebus wouldn't have given them to us if he didn't want us to eat them. Obviously.

5 comments:

Mom Taxi Julie said...

I heard there was a french fry shortage coming.. kidding of course..

I'm so uncoordinated it takes me forever to get moves down. I'm sure the trainer loves me because I'll watch her and then go to do it and be all "wait..what?" lol

Shannon @ Bungalow960 said...

I went and visited my friend who had a baby yesterday. Obviously, pictures were taken. I looked at said pictures, and I was like HOLY THUNDER THIGHS WHERE DID YOU COME FROM. I feel your pain, girl.

SpiritPhoenix said...

Oh. My. God. I can't stop laughing. Thanks for the morning giggle. I am in pain from gardening like a crazy person on Sunday. So I totally understand the pain in your legs and butt.

Brenda said...

Best post ever, LOL.

Well, I'm trying to shed a few pounds myself. And since I've never had to diet before or watch my weight, I'm having a bitch of a time now.

I'm exercising--probably not enough though. I'm "trying" not to eat donuts and cheeseburgers with salty french fries as much...ah for crap sakes, now I'm starving again.
I try to limit my donut intake to 2 a week.
I quit smoking 7 months ago--yay for me...not--but now I'm filling one void with another. Grrrrr, why does looking good and being healthy have to be such hard work?

Lin said...

Ive been tempted to take zumba class at this one place that just opened up near my house. It's actually right next door to the gym I belong to but never ever have use :/

Im not a fan of diets At All. Truth is, I love food. A lot of it. So there's no way I'm limiting myself to carrots & celery 8x a day...nu-uh not this girl. Glad you're not limiting yourself either. A trainer once told me that working out & eating what you want but not over indulging will get you the body youre really meant to have :)