So, I meant to post about this on Friday but quite honestly- I've had kind of a shit weekend and I needed a break. In the process I lost three blog followers so there you go.
On Friday I took Olivia to see her pediatrician about the pee accidents. It was eventful but unsatisfying, if that makes any sense. Knowing she would have to pee into a cup and that her appointment was at 1:30, I gave the kids lunch at 11, made her drink like 20 ounces of lemonade and then figured surely by 1:30 she would have no problem peeing and we would be in and out.
Obviously I was wrong and it took me two hours to get the girl to pee.
At first she refused to pee in a cup, then she said she didn't have to go. Then the super nice nurse gave me what looks like a fat funnel for her to pee in, which would then funnel pee into the small cup. She didn't like this and it was awkward. Within 15 minutes of me sitting on the bathroom floor of the lab, Jackson sitting on my jacket and playing with my phone, and my wrist shooting pains up into my arm, I decided the funnel wasn't going to work.
So we take a break so I can regain feeling in my wrist.
I then make Olivia drink five glasses of water and two apple juice boxes. Because one way or another, we were not leaving without pee in a cup. I was in it for the long haul, I was prepared to wait it out.
At this point, Jackson is now annoyed that he is missing Octonauts on TV and keeps offering to pee in the cup for his sister. As hilarious and inviting as that was, Olivia had to pee. She just had to. Because you know the second we got into the car? She'd piss her pants.
I just knew it.
Fast forward another 60 minutes of me telling her she had to pee, her doing jumping jacks, me running the sink water, etc and nothing.
Then I plead with the nurse to help me out. I'm pretty sure I looked crazy but it was like praying to the rain gods. Finally she finds a bucket they give people who have kidney stones for when they pass. Having had kidney stones while pregnant with Jackson I can't believe I forgot about this.
Of course though, the bucket does not fit on the toilet so I'm having to hold it in the toilet, while Olivia sits on my arms because she obviously won't squat over a bucket and make it easy. Oh no.
Please keep in mind that through all of this? She is insisting she does not have to pee. This is a 3 foot, 11 inch girl who weighs 43 pounds- she has just had close to 50 ounces of liquid and she's telling me she doesn't have to pee. I'm calling bullshit.
Then, just as my arms were going to give up, she starts peeing. Peeing furiously. It was like a waterfall. I have pee splashing in my face, pee running down my arm, into my sweater, my wrists feel like they are going to give out between having this kid sit on them and the weight of the bucket, but she finishes. I have never been so happy to hold a bucket of pee in my entire life. It was kind of glorious.
I had to then get said pee into the tiny cup and into the mini door in the wall to the lab. And then wait.
Thankfully, the doctor told us they'd test it and just call me. She wasn't about to make me wait to find out if Olivia had an infection because I was dripping with pee and I had pee in my hair. She knows a frazzled mom when she sees one. About a half hour later I got a call to say that while it wasn't the cleanest sample they had ever had, she was free from infection. They would culture it anyways and since I never heard back this weekend, that all ended up OK as well.
Where does this put us?
Well now we get to see a pediatric urologist. I've already seen a poop expert before, now we can add a pee expert. YAY. The problem is that the guy comes up once a month to Duluth and is fairly booked out. Like, I'd be able to see him in Duluth maybe next summer. Which obviously isn't going to work because I can't keep dealing with this- I'm at my end. So sometime today or at the latest tomorrow, I should hear about the availability of an appointment in this guy's office which is in the Twin Cities. It's not horrible, it's about a 2 1/2 hour drive one way and I'm down there enough where the drive isn't horrible. The problem is that I likely would have to go with her alone and I hate that. I hate feeling like yet again, I'm alone in dealing with all of these problems and I'm tired.
I am so tired.
The best part is that we could potentially spend a LOT of money getting this problem looked at and there could be nothing wrong with her. I won't lie- I will be angry if I spend a lot of money and it turns out that she just wants to have control over something. I feel like I'm in a dangerous spot because I'm losing patience, I'm losing sympathy, and sometimes I wish I could just check out. I feel like if there was something legit wrong with her I'd have a game plan, I would know what to do. But as it is, we're in this limbo.
On the bright side, she had no accidents all weekend and we had no issues. Which is really great, but it's also infuriating because I know it's all preventable, she's just refusing to go when she needs to go.
So here's my conundrum: do I take her to the urologist when we absolutely cannot afford it, we can't even afford what our portion would be with insurance in consideration, or do I not? I want to take her to the therapist but what if I can't afford it? I feel like absolutely nothing is ever good enough and I have no idea what I'm doing. I feel like I can't make a right decision for anything and my anxiety is through the roof. And I'm alone in making the decision.
I yelled at Matt yesterday for asking Olivia questions and when really? He isn't home enough to know what the hell is going on, so don't come in here demanding things be done your way and act like you know what you're talking about? For three years I've been alone in dealing with the poop issues and now the pee issues. I'm so exhausted and weary that I'm lashing out at the first person who says anything to me about it. Then I realized I have so many issues of my own that for whatever reason, are picking now as the time to creep up on me and I don't know how to deal with them. I feel like I can't deal with me until I get Olivia squared away because it would be selfish to fix me first. But then, can I really fix Olivia if I'm a hot mess?
It's just too much sometimes.
Happier posts starting tomorrow. Pinky swears.