Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Serenity Now, Bitches.

Let me first start off by saying I love my kids. Like, a lot. I really do. They are happy, they are healthy, they make me laugh and smile and for the most part? They light up my life and reaffirm my decision to be a parent.

But then weekends and weeks like this happen and I think I was such a fucking idiot to ever become a parent because this sucks. The fun and joy of parenting is completely gone and the anger I feel scares even me. Here's a run down of what my last 7 days have been like:

  • 38 loads of laundry. No, not just regular loads- but loads with urine saturated things. 
  • 17 tantrums over me making a certain seven year old go to the bathroom. 
  • 1 screaming fit on the floor in which said seven year old decided to thrash and yell at me that I am the worst mom EVER. 
  • 15 times I caught her lying about something- whether it was it she went to the bathroom, wiped, cleaned her room, put her clothes away, etc. 
  • 1 trip to Target for big kid pull up's. No, I'm not fucking joking. 
  • 3 times I screamed into my pillow. 
  • 7 times I broke out into tears of frustration. 
  • Constant arguing over homework and sight word practice. Even though she's awesome at both and super smart. 
  • Little to no support from Matt, unless it involves yelling- he's all in for that. 
Then on top of that, I have a lot of stuff on my plate just normally. I have some PTO stuff I need to finish before our fundraiser tomorrow, I have Girl Scout to organize because I don't know what I'm doing. I have paperwork to find for Matt's retirement fund forms. I need to clean my house at some point and do some of my own laundry because I wore my emergency underwear to work today. I have I have some book reviews to type up, emails to return, and a custom Etsy order to start and get in the mail by the end of the week. And that's just the half of it. 

I really feel like I am on the edge of falling off. I'm so fucking sick and tired of busting my ass for everyone and I can't even get my daughter to stop pissing her pants because she doesn't feel like it or because she doesn't want to miss out. So I have her, just pissing left and right for no reason and I'm so fucking over it. I want her to stop and be responsible, act her age, and do what she needs to do. I feel like I'm the shittiest parent ever because I clearly don't know what to do and neither does anyone else. Every person I talk to is like, "don't get angry at her", "love her through it" and none of it works. I'm sorry- you try doing 38 loads of pee laundry and tell me you aren't angry. I shouldn't bust into tears when I smell pee. I have read countless potty training books, books on parenting, etc and nothing is helping me. Nothing is making me feel like I'm doing anything right. 

Does she have an infection? A medical problem that she can't control pee? Is she anxious or depressed? Is she being beaten up or bullied? What would cause a kid to not want to go to the bathroom, ever? We're still dealing with holding poop and now we're onto urine and I'm so fucking over it. I'm exhausted. I'm weary. I feel like I'm reading to wave the flag and give up all together. 

And so all I do is cry after they go to bed and hope tomorrow will be better. She has a doctor appointment on Friday and then next week I'm going to try to get her into a therapist and honestly? I hope at this point there is something medically wrong with her because I don't know what else to hope for. I'd like to have someone tell me I'm doing a good job and not tell me I have no right to be angry and frustrated. I'd like to enjoy being a mom again and not cry every night before bed. That would be really great. 

12 comments:

Andrea said...

You are an AMAZING mom!! Hang in there!! If it's one thing I've learned in the last year.. it's that nothing is ever like you expect it to be. No one ever told me how hard it would be to explain what autism is to my kids and they better be nice children who might be different. No one ever told me I'd have to talk to them about sexual abuse, inappropriate behavior and who they can talk to. No one ever told me there'd be endless loads of laundry day after day...and that I'd have to tell them everyday to do the same thing.. like pick up your clothes..shut the door to the bathroom so your baby sister doesn't splash in the toilet. No one ever said you'd get a day off from work and simply be able to do whatever I wanted to do ..without staying home sick. Being a parent sucks sometimes!! But they are your kids...they need you!! This too will pass.. Call me if you want to grab a drink.. you can cry..

Ruth said...

It is highly probable she does have some anxiety or depression problems.
My daughter used to wet her pants. We had to take her to the urologist and nothing was wrong, but after she started therapy she quit wetting.
Also I have a niece that wet the bed until she was in high school. It turned out it was anxiety. She is bisexual and she was so stressed about telling her mother that she wet the bed. The moment she came out to my sister was also the same day she quit wetting the bed.
I hope you can get it all figured out soon.
Motherhood can be such a bitch sometimes.

Kattrina said...

I think you're a great parent, so don't worry. I am sure I have worse things in store for me! I will definitely be asking for your parenting advice before too long. If nothing is medically wrong, it's probably just a phase. Not that that makes washing pee stuff any easier.... I'm washing loads of poop and pee diapers if that makes you feel better? Remember, you are awesome!

Ryan Adair said...

LADY!

First off you are amazing, and it is 1297509270275% okay to be angry, frustrated, unhappy, and defeated. You are in charge of another human(s), and guess what, even if you pushed that human out of your crotch (or had her yanked from your uterus via c-section) she is her own person, with her own problems, and even as a seven year old those problems can be severely weird/strange/irrational and 100% nothing to do with you.

Obviously you already know I don't have any children, but I come from a family with plenty of them, and trust me.. this is a totally normal problem. Every family has a kid that wont poop/poops their pants all the time/pees on everything. My sister use to pee on me all the time.. When I was a kid we shared a bed, and she peed on me so much that I refused to sleep. I can't tell you how many times my mother would come into the bathroom to find me sleeping in the bathtub, hahaha!

I wish I could come over and help you! I am good at cleaning! Just remember that sometimes life fucking sucks and that's okay! ;)

xxoo. me

Jane Marynik said...

The pee problem could be a result of the poop problem. There are nerves in the lower back that are related to bladder and bowel control. If the poop is causing pressure on a nerve, maybe that is causing the pee problem? The poop problem could be caused by a nerve issue too, but probably just a fiber/water issue. One needs proper hydration to be a good pooper. OR maybe she is a nervous pooper and won't do it at school, so holding it causes the backup too. We've had some poop trouble over here too. can you tell? Lol. Hopefully the trip to the Dr will provide some answers!

Also, (((Sara))). I'd love to be able to say something to make you feel better, but I got nothing (but beer). I spent years trying to do it all and was f'ing miserable. Let go of some stuff. Seriously. I don't care how awesome one is (and you are pretty fucking awesome), one can't do it all.

Hang in there and if I can do something for you, just ask. I can't promise that I'll be able to, but I'll certainly try! :-)

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

I went through something similar with my oldest. He was holding it in as a matter of being in control & then I was finding poop in his pants constantly. We ended up being sent to a specialist for it. Basically all the holding led to this huge impaction of fecal matter & stretching out his bowels so the muscles don't work right & he can't hold it in & it still gets impacted. He takes major laxatives every day & every couple weeks takes this huge purge of 12 doses of Miralax in a 4 hour period to clean him out.
I think the same thing can happen to the bladder if she is hold it. It weakens the muscles by holding it so she might not be able to control it anymore.
The lying about it drove me nuts! And how could he not be doing this pooping thing on purpose! How can you not know you are pooping in your pants!! I spent the better part of a year angry about it & with him. And then oh the guilt when I found out he really couldn't control it. I hope you get some answers from the doc. It's miserable dealing with this kind of thing.

Amber said...

I want to echo everything that Andrea said, but the main sentiment is that you are a damn good mommy.

If I remember correctly (it has been 16+ years since I was in college), they say children that hold their urine and poop do so because they feel it is the only thing THEY have control over. Maybe there is something in Olivia's world that she is soooo stressed about that she feels out of control. When that happens, children will do several different things in order for them to feel they are in control of something. One is what she is doing....another thing (which is seen in prepuescent and teenage kids) is weight control.

I am glad to hear you are taking her not only to the medical doctor, but also to a therapist. No telling what is going on in her ittle head.

But just know that you are a good mom and your are doing everything you need to do.

XXOO

Ang said...

I'm not a mom, so I don't really know what to tell you - but I babysat my niece on Friday and she was very constipated ... making trips to the potty every 5-10 minutes only to have her sit there in tears was absolutely no fun. It pained my heart. I know that you probably started out very sympathetic and you've become frustrated.. hang in there. see what the doctors have to say and go from there.

Sorry you're having a shitty week Sara!

Shannon @ Bungalow960 said...

I think it's anxiety of some sort. There is a mental reason she is doing it. Is there a school counselor or someone that she could talk to? Someone that's trained in this kind of stuff?

Lin said...

Even through all of this frustration you can tell how much you love you kids. You're a great mom, don't ever forget that.

Hope things get a little easier for you. If anything, make sure you have some wine on hand for after the kiddos go to bed.

Eileen Ward said...

Love, hugs, and peace. I'm so sorry about this stress. Go to the doctor and know that it will be okay.
*hugs*

Mom Taxi Julie said...

Well obviously I read this one after I commented on today's!

Holy shit that's a lot of laundry. I think you should just take a vacation, might be easier.