Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Poop Whisperer

Folks, if there is ever anything you need to know about poop or how poop comes to be, I am your gal. And I will be forever and ever apparently.

So today was Olivia's big day at the pediatric urology specialist. We dropped Jackson off at school and then promptly got on the road to drive to Minneapolis. Never mind the fact that I was tired anyways this morning, then you add a 2 1/2 hour drive to the Children's Hospital and then another 2 1/2 hours back home? YAWN. Anyways. The Children's Hospital is kind of in the ghetto with an outrageously expensive parking garage with hands down, the most confusing parking garage elevator ever.

Anyways.

We did the Xray (after they had no idea which of the two radiology departments I was supposed to go to) and that was uneventful. Minus the fact that we were the whitest people in there AND I don't think anybody else spoke English. Olivia looked pretty damn confused when some random kid just starts blabbing to her in some unidentifiable language. The petrified "what the fuck, mom?" face was kind of hilarious.

After the Xray we go to the third floor because the massive sign by the elevator says that pediatric urology is on the third floor. But guess what? It is NOT on the third floor no matter what the sign says. It's even better when they have no idea where it is and have no where to direct you. So somehow we are told to go to the fifth floor and walk around until you see the sign. But they don't know what the sign would say, but I'd probably know it when I saw it.

Thanks.

Eventually while wandering the fifth floor I see a sign that matched what was on the letterhead of the crap they mailed me so I assume that's where I go. Because I am smart and I was right. The guy then asks me if Olivia could pee in a cup. (This is only after I called yesterday to ask if I needed to have her pee in the cup and they tell me no because unless she has symptoms of an UTI it's not needed so we're good to go.)I tell him that peeing in the cup was not going to happen no matter how much he willed it and force fed her water- it wasn't going to happen. Been there, done that.

So then we see the two nurse practioners who are super nice. They are both taking notes and asking me a million questions and then show me the X-ray. Do you want to guess what I saw??

Come on.

You're right!

We saw a ton of poop. It basically looked like everywhere poop could be, it was. Poop party up in Olivia. It was awful. It's awful not just because it's poop and poop is gross but because her diet is specifically catered to happy poop leaving her body in a timely fashion. But apparently, it's not good enough. So then I'm told several things:

  • She will have to be on Miralax oh, pretty much forever. 
  • I also need to do a crash course in being a nurse and a pharmacist because I need to find a daily dose to give her that produces at least one, but preferably two Type 4 poop. You're like, "What's Type 4 poop, Sara?" Well, I'm here to educate you on the type of poo. 
TYPE 1 Separate hard lumps, like nuts. Harder to pass

TYPE 1 - Seperate hard lumps, like nuts. Harder to pass
This indicates that you have a lack of fibre, insufficient fluid intake and a slow transit time. Increase your intake of water, herbal teas, raw fruit and vegetables, cooked grains such as brown rice, quinoa and millet, sprouted pulses, flax seeds and olive oil. Avoid meat, dairy, wheat, eggs, refined carbohydrates and sugar. 

TYPE 2 Sausage shape but lumpy

TYPE 2 - Sausage shape but lumpy
This indicates the stool has spent too long in the colon. More water and fibre are needed. Increase your intake of water, herbal teas, fruit and vegetables, cooked grains such as brown rice, quinoa and millet, sprouted pulses, flax seeds and olive oil. Avoid meat, dairy, wheat, eggs, refined carbohydrates and sugar.

TYPE 3 Like a sausage but with cracks on the surface
TYPE 3 - Like a sausage but with cracks on the surface
The cracks on the surface indicate that the stool maybe a bit dry. Increase water intake.

TYPE 4 Like a sausage or snake, smooth and soft
TYPE 4 - Like a sausage or snake, smooth and soft
This is a healthy bowel movement that is easy to pass - well done!

Type 5 Soft blobs with clear cut edges which pass easily
TYPE 5 - Soft blobs with clear cut edges which pass easily
This may indicate that your bowels are moving a bit too fast. This can lead to nutrient deficiencies and dehydration. Increase your fibre especially from cooked whole grains such as brown rice, millet and quinoa. Supplementing with probiotics may well improve digestion and absorption. Psyllium husks can also improve bowel movements.

TYPE 6 Fluffy pieces with ragged edges, a mushy stool
TYPE 6 - Fluffy pieces with ragged edges, a mushy stool
Again, the mushiness indicates that insufficient water has been re-absorbed from the stool, indicating a rapid transit time and poor absorption of nutrients. This may be caused by poor diet, food intolerances and/or an imbalance in gut bacteria. Eat whole grains as indicated above. Avoid having too much fruit, raw vegetables and juices for a while. Supplement with probiotic capsules or powder to repopulate the gut with good bacteria.

TYPE 7 Watery, no solid pieces. Entirely liquid
TYPE 7 - watery, no solid pieces. Entirely liquid
This is not good and probably indicates an infection of some kind. Get checked out by your doctor. Eat well cooked brown rice and home made vegetable soups to replace lost electrolytes. Make sure you replace lost fluids with water or herbal teas. Probiotics can help to repopulate the gut with good bacteria.

OK, so all of you should be educated on poop. Identify your own poop and map out your own game plan. 

Anyways. So in addition to that, all of Olivia's parts that make poop as well as her bladder have been thoroughly abused by being a constipated little kid from birth. To the point where the GI and Urologist person don't think that even with having her poop totally on schedule and regulated, that things will go back to the way they should be. In short, she will have poop and pee problems pretty much forever and I should just get happy with that. Oh, and THEN, (and this is really the best part) let's say I get the poop all figured out and she still has pee issues... guess what? They can give her medicine to make her bladder calm the fuck down. The hilarious part of this? The side effect? 

Guess. Seriously, just guess. 

CONSTIPATION. 

Seriously, just fucking kill me now. 

6 comments:

Veronica M. D. said...

As I read that last line, all I could think was "Well, shit." As terrible of a response as that is, it's all I've got.

Shit.

Sorry. :(

ComfyMom~Stacey said...

Oh honey! **hugs** My oldest has the same issue & like your doc said he also will probably never be right in the bowels. I am already worrying that the underwear he brings home from college to be washed will have poop in them because he won't take his pericolase or drink the Miralax without me reminding him.
I've been through this whole chart keeping thing before & still have to do it for a month once a year before doc visits so he can see how things are going. If you have any questions or just need to rant about it to someone who really knows how you feel just drop me a line. I'm here for you. *hugs*

Jaime Hungry said...

Holy gross. I don't even know what to say other than that seriously sucks. On another note I'm seriously excited about this poop chart. My boyfriend and I spend way too much time discussing our shits and I can't wait to print it out hang it on his fridge to compare. Fucking weird, no?

Shooting Stars Mag said...

That is quite an interesting chart on poop. I feel like this is a common theme for me this week...your blog...a class on literary criticism I'm taking.

But seriously, that sucks about your daughter. I have digestion problems and it's not fun, but thankfully, it's fine MOST of the time. Let's hope she gets to that point.

Amber said...

I am just happy to know that this is something medical and not emotional. I hope it makes you feel a little better that you have been feeling about being a wonderful mom.

Because you are.

Also, good to know that I am a healthy pooper.

Ruth said...

At least you found some answers.
My daughter takes bile salts. It helps since she no longer has a gallbladder. Every doctor wanted to stick her on Miralax.
Hopefully this works.