Thursday, November 29, 2012

Hoarders, Assholes, and Antiques.

It's a good thing I always have my camera or my phone with me at all times so I can take pictures of random crap for you.

So I really have a thing about hoarders. I know that it's a mental illness and all of that, I've seen countless episodes of the show yet when you come in contact with a hoarder in real life, it still throws you back. My mom's neighbor is a total hoarder. Just by looking in the windows you see all of this crap and the thing that sets me on edge? The deck.

You see, they have this really great deck on their house. It's gorgeous. The things I could do with a deck like that. But they have this area rug draped on it. For the last two or three years. In fact, it only moves from one section to the other when it rots out part of the deck. This summer they actually replaced a section of the deck only to put the rug back on it.
 I swear to you, one of these days I'm going to come armed with rubber gloves in the dark of the night and get rid of it myself. They'll thank me later.

Then one of my favorite things is to wander around second hand stores and thrift shops to find cool stuff. While at a second hand store the other day, I saw this sad gem:
 Can we say unwanted Christmas gift? It didn't even look opened.

And sometimes it's best just to recycle something. Because this is not a decorative tin.
 And can I just say that I hate people who park like this? Because you are an asshole and your car isn't even that nice.
Tonight I am working on my Christmas cards and wondering why I even do this to myself. I shouldn't say that, I do it because I like making cards and I like sending these out and people asking me how the fuck I found time to make all of these in my schedule. I limited my list to 100 this year because I like even numbers and because I have to make these bitches. And they involve coloring in snowmen. My hard is numb. I stop at 100, bitches.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Fat Bitches.

Now, everyone knows I really struggle with my weight. And I try really hard to lose weight and exercise but the fact of the matter is that I love spicy chicken sandwiches with no mayo and large fries from Wendy's. I do and I can't stop myself. So over the years I have gotten to the point where I know it's totally unrealistic for me to think I'll be a skinny bitch. Between my love of fast food and my genetics that have given me large boobs, a bubble ass, and thunder thighs, it's best just to embrace it and not kill myself on some hellish machine in a gym.

Then I watch shows like Basketball Wives. Granted, I know these people are black and I am a very white girl, but why is it that chunky black women are pretty but chunky white women are fat asses? Huh?


Explain it to me please.

Because birthday party or not, there is no way my thighs and ass would be in spandex. Ever. I mean, on one hand I'm thrilled to see women who aren't all a size two flouncing their asses on TV but then on the other hand, I'm wondering why they don't get criticism but us normal people do? If I wore a form fitting outfit and you could totally see my bubble ass, my thunder thighs, and my kangaroo pouch and tummy, people would call me a fat ass and tell me to stop eating. Probably.

And now that I have a daughter of my own I wonder, how do you teach your daughter to appreciate the body she has? It might not be perfect, she might not be the prettiest girl on the block, but how do you explain that? Because even at age 30 I know I struggle with that. Sure, I'm not the prettiest girl around and I certainly don't have a body anyone envies but I'm OK. Right?

It's also weird how age changes your perspective. In your 20's you're trying to maintain and look your best to get a really great husband. Basically. By the time you are in your 30's and you've got the husband and you've maybe had kids it's more about feeling good for yourself. I figure if I ever divorced Matt I wouldn't obsess about how I looked to meet another guy. I'd feel more like, this is what you get, buddy. Take the bubble ass or leave it. I imagine that when I hit my 40's I'll feel differently again so who knows.

So until then, I continue with my Zumba classes. Which I actually love. I've been going once a week for sure, twice when I can, and now that there is a third class on Wednesday? I think I might step up my game and do that too. It would be good just to get the cardio to keep myself healthy.

Well, as healthy as I can with my love of french fries anyways.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Operation Goat

I've made no secret my love of goats. I don't know why since I have very little experience with goats and what experience I do have is limited to baby goats at the zoo that thought I was pretty fucking cool.


How can you look at this and not want one? Seriously. If you look at this and tell yourself no, there is something wrong with you.

But I've been trying to convince Matt that getting a goat is an awesome idea. Sure, we probably would be breaking a law since we live in the city, but if people can have chickens, why can't I have a goat?

So cute. Who can really say no to this cutie patootie?

An asshole dream killer, that's who. Matt says no because he believes it would be more work for him. Which, admittedly, it would be. We have an agreement that he is animal cleanup. I don't even clean up my own kids' poop and puke because it makes me puke, so I certainly don't do it for the animals.

Shudder

But honestly- the goat would eat a lot of grass. I watched a Goat 101 video and they aren't like horses who eat grass to the roots- goats just eat the tops.

Perfect


I have two trees in my yard, one that basically looks dead like this. It'd be fucking AMAZING to drive down the alley and be like, "Oh shit, that crazy bitch has a goat in her tree!".

Right?

Of course.

But since Matt says no, I figure the next best thing is to find myself a fake goat and if it lights up and looks obnoxious, bonus. But would you believe this is hard to find? Here's what I found and I really want.
Life Size Goat 39"H - 6 foot scale Outdoor Nativity
It's a whopping $459 but it says it's LIFE SIZE and honestly, that'd be awesome to have on my deck. Right? But, shocker, Matt doesn't seem keen on this.

So my good friend Shirley found me this gem on a "discreet romance" site which is disturbing on so many levels.
BLOW UP BILLY GOAT
Which... I don't think I want. I mean, a party goat is awesome but can you imagine the spam and bizarre lists I would get on? No spank you.

So here it is: if you can find me a light up goat, or something fucking kick ass that I can have instead of a live goat, you let me know. I may have a special prize for you.

But I don't know why Matt says no to this. I just want to hug it.

Monday, November 26, 2012

People ruin everything.

So here's kind of a local news piece that I read this morning and it really just pisses me off. We have this very cool light display in Duluth that is totally free for families. It started out as this guy's yard light display and people would drive by, then you could walk through his property, and it's become so huge and such a tradition that it's held in a large park in downtown Duluth. My family loves it and it's free and it's just such a cool thing to do around the holidays. The other part that makes it great is that they collect canned goods and I think at some point they collect toys for disadvantaged families and they do a lot of good. Oh, and every kid gets a knit winter hat which are really great. I mean, think of how many kids seriously depend on getting the free hat every year because their parents can't afford it? Anyways. It's a really great thing that is run on donations and it's basically a very nice community thing. 

A few years ago there was some controversy over these local preachers preaching and handing out religious materials through the park. Two years later and it's still in court battle and it's a giant mess. I mean, whatever happens it's going to be a shame either way. 

I'm not a religious person. I don't look down on people who are religious and it's really just a personal thing. Everyone needs something to believe in and hold onto and I get it. Well, I don't really get religion, it sounds hokey as hell, but whatever. 

But here's the thing: religious is a personal thing and I don't think anyone should try to influence anybody else either way. I get how in some religions you aren't a good follower if you aren't spreading the good word. Or you want to save someone from Hell and show them the light or whatever. OK, but what if they don't care? What if we just want to wander around a park with our families and see the lights and then get in line to see Santa and roast some marshmallows? 

Now, the city made a First Amendment Zone (which is such a Duluth thing, truly) and honestly? That's kind of nice. I mean some cities could be assholes and not give you the option to preach at all. But the preachers aren't happy with that. They want to wander around, approach people, and do whatever they do. Which, why? Why can't you just have a table/booth, maybe some information to hand out to people who are interested, maybe a pencil or something for kids, and be positive? But no. They were shirts that say, "Fear God. Hate Sin. Trust Jesus". Now, as a parent with a child who can now read, that is scary. I don't want to answer the questions she's going to have and frankly- how dare you? How dare you push your thoughts and beliefs onto my child? As an adult I have logic and reasoning and my own beliefs to keep me steady but a child does not. You don't have the right to scare my kid into thinking something is truth when let's be honest- nobody really knows. 

I support churches and their right to do what they do, I show respect when I see them at other events in our community, and that's all well and good. But I feel like if you have to force your opinion on another person it isn't really effective. Maybe be there with the table and show why your church and your religion is a positive thing rather than force yourself on others. Maybe do a fundraiser for a community cause, or collect winter weather items such as jackets and boots for families in need, something that would bring people to your table and show them that you aren't forceful assholes? Just a thought. 

My fear is that groups like this will put a damper on free events in a community and eventually organizers would say it's more trouble than it's worth. Which is really a shame because something like Bentleyville is maybe the highlight of someone's holiday season. Why ruin that for someone? And really- maybe if these people focused on themselves and their own families and not be so worried about the destination of the rest of us when we die, the world would be better. Who knows. 

Sunday, November 25, 2012

So yeah, there was a holiday and shit.

Good grief, it feels like I've been away for weeks. Possibly months. But no, it's only been a few days but oh busy they were. Here's what I've been doing since I haven't been here:

  • We had Thanksgiving. It was alright, nothing special, but we got through it, we ate, we cleaned, and then I sent the kids to bed. 
  • Then I dropped my cell phone in the toilet and subsequently peed on it because I couldn't hold my pee for another two seconds. The phone still works but it's way slow and I keep getting bizarre error messages. 
  • Basically so I could go shopping for pre-Black Friday on Thursday. Target opened at 9, I was there at 6. 
  • I learned that when you live in say, northern Wisconsin, it's mandatory to have proper winter gear. You'd think knowing I've lived in Minnesota/Wisconsin since I was nine I would recognize this. But you'd be wrong because I hate wearing heavy jackets and hats and boots and all that shit because it's just a lot of work. And I hate shopping in stores and getting all sweaty. But thankfully I wasn't a total fucking moron and I wore the lame excuse of a jacket to stand in line for three hours. Have I not mentioned that it was a rain/snow mix? And I stood in that for THREE HOURS and thought I was going to die of hypothermia? Because that happened as well. 
  • But I didn't die, and I got Matt the gift he wanted and doesn't know that unlike him, I pay attention when someone says they want something over and over again. And then I got some cool stuff for the kids and was in/out of the store in thirteen minutes. 
  • I had to go home though because my pants were soaking wet as was everything else on me and I did a total wardrobe change and drove 20 mph over the snow and ice covered freeway and bridge over Lake Superior to get my ass to Kohl's. 
  • Which I did and was basically the only car on the road because I love me a bargain. 
  • But when I got there, I decided that the fleece thing I was calling a jacket at this point would not do much for me standing in the rain/snow for another two hours. So I waited in my car, ate some candy bars and silently cursing myself for forgetting my water at home. 
  • And then it was midnight and I hustled my ass into the store, around the store, and out of the store in 19 minutes. 
  • It was then that I wondered if there is that supermarket game anymore because I would probably win. 
  • Then I went to the mall and got some damn good deals at Bath & Body Works, gave the finger to the gross line in Victoria's Secret and saw someone get punched at Old Navy for a shitty $5 sweatshirt. 
  • But when I saw that JCPenney wasn't opening until 6 I got angry and then realized I was exhausted so I drove home with my bags of awesomeness. 
  • I went to bed at 2am. 
  • Then I woke up at 8:30 and decided by god, we're all going to JCPenney and Home Depot to get the last of the gifts I need! 
  • Only to realize once we got there that what I need from JCPenney is gone! BITCHES. 
  • So I go to Home Depot and to make up for this, I buy my dad's gift as well as a light up pig for my yard. All is right again. 
  • Then we go home and I shop online. 
  • Only to realize I can get my brother's gift at Kohl's. So I open a Kohl's charge to get 30% off. Obviously. 
  • But then my printer hates me, doesn't print out my temporary card number, and the phone people are not helpful. They tell me to go to Kohl's. So, at 10pm.... 
  • I drive to Kohl's. This will mark my third trip in two days. They welcome me back AND have the item I needed. Plus eight others because they were on sale, I was tired, and I have a charge account! 
  • I get home and start wrapping. Oh but wait! I'm out of fucking gift tags. HOW AM I OUT OF GIFT TAGS??
  • Decide to say fuck it and went to bed. 
  • Today? Making Christmas cards. Run out of glue. Feel not normal amounts of rage over my lack of adhesive products. Cats look scared. Jackson tells me I should maybe take a nap. 
Oh, and in between all of this? I'm still dealing with poop. Olivia is still not cleaned out but her poop is now a weird orange/light brown color and the consistency of watered down oatmeal. It kind of looks like cat barf and honestly at this point I don't know what to think about any of it. 

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Brachman's Underworld

You know I'm always game for a book outside of my comfort zone and I really took a risk on this one. But I'm glad I did because this book is unique. I can honestly say I've never read anything like it.

Brachman's Underworld - Vlad Vlaslyn

Delilah Brachman just died and now she has six days to dodge her fate or she'll perish for all-time. She's become an "In-Betweener," someone whose judgment has yet to be decided, and she's drawn a ticket for the Tuesday Train, the most damning ticket of all. She struggles against the demon Noc, whose cunning mind masks a childlike loneliness it will do anything to quell, and against Honest Jack, the idealist tyrant who uses torture to get his way. Meanwhile, Delilah begins to care for a man that her real life never prepared her for. Will she overcome the demons in her past, or will the life she led condemn her for all-time?

So nothing is more uncertain than death. Nobody truly knows what happens to us when we die. Is there a heaven? Is there a hell? Either way, I'd like to think there isn't an underworld because as I really got to thinking about this as I read, it was terrifying. 

Delilah is kind of a bitch. She starts the book off being absolutely awful to her dying father and then throughout we find out how she has become an in-betweener. I didn't like her so much and honestly I had no idea what I wanted to happen for her. 

This book was not a fast read. I really struggled through it. I don't know if it's because it's outside of my normal comfort level or because it's a heavy story. And it's not just that the story line is heavy, but there is a LOT of information to kind of keep in track of. None of the characters were super easy to connect with, but they are all interesting enough to keep you going. And honestly- there is enough going on throughout the story that you don't get bored waiting for something interesting to come along. 

And then while I knew what choice Delilah was going to make, I was at least pretty certain, I was still surprised. I didn't know how I felt about it. I do know I was scared for her because again, it's all so unknown and what if this is really how it is when you die? Let's just say I had some screwed up dreams for a few days and so if you scare easy or have nightmares- do not read this book before bed. Can I also just say the mental picture of Noc, Nobu and Honest Jack I had in my head? Terrifying. So damn creepy. And then hearing about "the grimes" and how the people basically sound like zombies and they prey on "newcomers" and yeah. Freaking stuff, people. 

But if you really like death books, things that are little more science fiction, I think you're going to really like this. If nothing else, it kind of gets you thinking about death and what we might face. 

These Things Happen.

I'm glad I didn't write this review immediately after finishing the book because this is one that kind of needs to sink in for a day or two (or more) before you think about it out loud.

These Things Happen - Richard Kramer


THESE THINGS HAPPEN takes place right now, even as we speak … it’s the tale of a modern family, set among Manhattan’s progressive, liberal elite, the adults all prominent in their professions, rearing their children to be the same, confident that nothing much can harm them, ever. The story starts when WESLEY BOWMAN, 16, sharp and funny and defiantly individual, moves downtown from his book editor mother’s home on the Upper East Side home to live with his father and his partner for the fall term of school; Wesley, becoming a man, feels the time has come for him to more closely know (his words here) the “man from whom I did, actually, spring.” Kenny, who came out after his marriage to Wesley’s mom ended, is a much-honored gay-rights lawyer, a regular on Rachel Maddow, Charlie Rose, a frequent contributor to the Op-ed page of the New York Times. But Wesley, when he moves in, finds his father distant and inaccessible; he has much more luck connecting with his father’s partner, George, a former actor/dancer who now runs a theater district restaurant. George is present, genuinely interested, fully at ease with himself; all the things Kenny is not. He and Wesley become like father and son, really, and not because George is in any way trying to supplant Kenny. It’s just that these things happen. Then everything changes. When Wesley’s closest friend surprises him and everyone else when, after being elected class president, he comes out at the end of his acceptance speech. The two boys find themselves at the center of an act of violent, homophobic bullying (even though Wesley is straight). Within the family, tolerant facades crumble as George, suddenly, becomes suspect. Wesley’s mom values and cares for him, and has worked to have a relationship with him, as she suspects this will assure the presence of Kenny in Wesley’s life. But, now, with Wesley in the hospital being held for observation (“When did I,” she wonders, “turn into someone whose kid is held for observation?”) isn’t it her duty to wonder and worry about what might have been going on when her back was so progressively turned? Did she fail to keep her son safe? Does she, indeed, know him? Does she know George, so delightful and pleasing, an author of agreeable evenings? And, more worryingly, does this accomplished, insightful, deeply curious woman really, in the end, know herself?
These Things Happen is a sharp, laugh-out-loud funny, ultimately deeply moving story about the way we live now and the alertness and awareness we have to cultivate in order to do it. It’s about the assumptions we all unknowingly hold that we take in from the culture around us, no matter how free from “all that” we think we might be; the received convictions just beneath the surface that need only the right spark to catch fire. In this novel that fire burns its way through the stories all the characters tell themselves about themselves; no one is who they were at the start, and all must find the courage to truly, for the first time, face who they are.
I will tell you up front that I didn't think it was laugh-out-loud funny but it was humorous in some parts. Never once through the book did I laugh and think that what I just read was really funny. I will say it is a fast read and the story is actually fast. Does that make sense? It's not drawn out, the story happens within a few days and you just keep plucking along. 
If you don't like books that switch from character point of view's then you will hate this book. Every chapter it's a different character you're reading from and admittedly, even I got confused and had to keep referring to which character I'm on at several parts of the book. But overall? I liked the characters. I felt bad for Wesley who, while trying to be a good friend to Theo, asks his dad Kenny and partner George some questions about being gay. This in turn makes them wonder if Wesley is gay and basically using Theo's gayness as a cover. I will say Wesley's dad Kenny is a total ass. It makes me wonder- how do you not know that you are basically ignoring your child? I mean, really? Jerk. Then Wesley's mom is a piece of work. I loved, loved, loved how she basically comes to realize she's a racist homophobe because hello- that's what she is. I don't think she or Kenny have any idea on how to be a parent to Wesley who is really misunderstood. They refer to him as a brat and rude but if you take a step back, the poor kid gets no attention. He would basically feel unwanted and I can see why. I liked George the best, Kenny's partner. He's confused but he's trying to do the best he can to be the bridge between Wesley and Kenny. Neither of them see that and in the end, I'm left feeling the worst for George. Because I think Kenny can't give George what he needs/wants and I think it's because of Kenny's insecurities with being gay himself. 
But my biggest complaint of the whole book? How the characters speak. It drove me nuts. I know a lot of people, I've spoken with a lot of people, and not one person has ever spoken like that. Ever. I kept thinking that writing dialogue is probably difficult anyways because the voice you give the character has to hold through the whole book and it has to give you an idea of who that person is. I can't even describe it to you but I now wonder if all of the comma usage is to blame. Hmmm. Maybe I should try reading it visualizing commas aren't there. There's a thought. 
Overall? It was good. It isn't the best book I've read, it wouldn't make a Top 20 list for me, but it was a fast read and it had a theme people could relate to. Think of what you would do if you had a son, who may or may not be gay, and is the victim of a gay bashing with his friend, and now every one's role in the family is essentially questioned. And then read. 
Richard is on Twitter and on Facebook - check him out. 

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Thanksgiving is stupid.

Anyone who knows me in real life has heard me say multiple times how much I dislike Thanksgiving and how I think we need to just stop celebrating it. It all comes down to these finer points:


  • I like to eat turkey. But I feel like I can eat turkey anytime of year. I just don't because in my head I'm like, "No- you look dumb buying a turkey in say... July. Turkey is for Thanksgiving." I hate feeling all of this pressure that turkey is only for Thanksgiving. Have you tried buying a turkey outside of a holiday? The cashiers are always like, "Oh, having a fun family get together?" No bitch, I just want some fucking turkey- is that alright with you? 
  • I don't live to eat and I don't feel any kind of happiness while eating so I don't understand the whole, "I'm going to eat until I'm on the verge of barfing!" thing. 
  • My family doesn't really do gatherings. I mean, we get together on the obligatory holidays but it's not because we love being around each other and do all of this fun family memory building stuff- it's because it's a holiday and that's what you do. We eat, bitch about doing dishes and then.. that's it. 
  • We also don't watch football. Well, my brother does but since none of us do, he usually leaves after food so he can go home and watch it. 
  • I don't even like the Macy's parade. I think if they made it commercial free and instead of having those annoying morning show anchors, turned it into a Pop Up Video episode giving me the information, I'd like it better. Plus, it's hard to take any news anchor seriously about organizations helping sick and dying children, or the plight of poverty when they are wearing outdoor clothing that cost more than my house mortgage payment. 
  • I feel like if you need a holiday, or even a month, to really recognize what you are grateful for, you're probably a terrible person. And I hate all of these people on Facebook who are like, "I'm grateful for sunny weather and coffee in the morning!". What the fuck? Seriously? I know November has a lot of days and by the end of the first week your daily gratefulness posts are probably difficult for you, but sunny weather and coffee? Move to Colombia and unfriend me. Thanks. 
  • I think a holiday celebrating pilgrims is just kind of wrong. I mean really, if you don't know why pilgrims were assholes you either failed American History or have poor reading comprehension skills. 
So with that, I'd like to boycott Thanksgiving. But I can't because there's that whole obligatory family gathering and then turkey. I love me some turkey and I didn't have any in July and so I'm due for turkey. 

Monday, November 19, 2012

How was your weekend? Mine involved laxatives and Comet.

Yo, bitches.

So yeah, my weekend was shitty. Which *ha* didn't involve as much shit as it absolutely should have. You may remember from last week that I was supposed to do the whole poop clean out of Olivia. Poor kid. So on Friday I make the trip to Target and purchase what I figured I needed.
Operation Poop Fest 2012 started bright and early on Saturday morning. Thankfully Olivia was a damn good sport about it and she knew going in that it was going to involve a lot of liquids and playing Barbies while on the toilet. She did alright for the most part but as you can imagine, but dinner time she was pretty much over it. I could go hour by hour with you and detail every thing that it involved but I think by giving you a one sentence statement, it sums it up:

Nine mega doses of laxatives, ginger tea, running around the yard and a really long and warm bath = one poop the size of a chicken nugget.

All day, bitches. ALL DAY I waited for poop and poop did not come. Honestly, but 4 in the afternoon my anxiety went through the roof. I was really starting to get scared thinking this girl is going to blow. It's going to be a scene just like in the movie Bridesmaids and it wasn't going to be pretty. Matt was working so I'm on my own, and I really don't do well with poop or puke.

Fun fact: when I get anxious, stressed out, or generally down on life only two things make me happy: shopping and cleaning. Since I couldn't leave to shop and I have no money, I opted to clean. So my fridge got totally scrubbed down.
 Even the light bulbs were washed. I love me some cleaning.
Matt says only freaks line their condiments like this and I feel he is wrong.

So after cleaning my fridge and feeling less anxious, we had dinner. She didn't eat much so I'm thinking this is a good sign, right? Wrong. Nothing happens. We do another bath, I give her a massage, we do jumping jacks, nothing.

Nothing happens.

How is it even fucking possible to have 3/4 of a bottle of Miralax and not poop? Huh? How is that possible, people???

So then my fear of course is that during the night her body will relax and it will be like Lake Poop in her room in the morning. Fortunately, that wasn't the case. I seriously would have run away for sure.

Sunday she gets more Miralax. No poop at all. Today she gets more Miralax, she poops some but it's mostly just brown watery stuff but no real chunks. I don't know what to think about it at this point. I called the 24/7 nurse at the hospital she went to last Tuesday and they basically told me to just keep doing it. But for how long? At what point does she have an unsafe amount of laxative in her? As it turns out, nobody had any idea and just told me to be patient. Well, you try being patient while waiting for your daughter's ass to explode with shit and then tell me how you're feeling.

*sigh*

Friday, November 16, 2012

The Librarian

Book review time! I have a TON of book reviews coming for you in the next week or so, so if you have books to buy for people on your holiday lists- take notes.

Speaking of? Olivia's school is hosting our first ever Barnes and Noble book fair as a fundraiser. I'm super excited, it's kind of my baby, and I'm even more excited that YOU can help! That's right- even though you obviously aren't going to drive to Duluth, Minnesota to buy a book so we get 10% of the sale, but you CAN buy online! If you go to www.bn.com, load up your shopping cart full of fun and awesome books, toys, etc. When you check out, make sure you click on the box saying that this is a book fair order, and type in ID: 10906642. Then bam- you just supported a school and bought some awesome gifts.

But let's talk book reviews.

The Librarian - Logan Belle
Bettie Page Presents: The Librarian

Inspired by the story of the iconic Bettie Page, Logan Belle’s sizzling erotic novel explores the transformation of Regina Finch from shy librarian to the object of one powerful man’s all-consuming desire.
Regina Finch, brilliant and bookish, has worked her way up to her dream job as a librarian at the Main Branch of the New York Public Library. But her discovery of the sordid sexual adventures of a rakish, young scion among the hallowed halls and sacred stacks of the library unleashes a confusing blend of repulsion and desire that threatens to consume her. It is only through her discovery of Bettie Page, and Page’s own sexual awakening that Regina can hope to discover her sexual prowess and seduce the man she loves.
I absolutely loved this book. You hear me say things are a fast read and this one was. I kind of like how nerdy Regina is and how she is so not what you expect to be the girl who gets the hot guy. I also loved the fact that she wants to be a librarian because I'd love to be one too. Had I known how much I would grow to love books I feel like I would have a different career. And I feel like had I been pushed more in high school to read, I would have taken a much different route in life. Sadly though, kids aren't encouraged to love reading right from the get go and learn how amazing libraries are. *sigh*
Anyways. 
I loved this book. I really liked Sebastian but I feel like we don't learn about why he's such a freak so that makes me hopeful for a sequel. I will also say that I feel like the ending was rushed? I'm not against a rushed ending but the book ended with such a cliff hanger that I sat there thinking, "Really? That's it? Where are the rest of the pages?!" because I felt like Regina and Sebastian were just at the spot where it gets good. Not that they didn't have interesting scenes and the development of something important, but I felt like it could have gone so much further. Basically there were so many loose ends at the end of the book that I really feel like if there isn't some kind of follow up, that it would be a huge disappointment. 
I love how naive and awkward Regina is and I love how her friend/roommate Carly is trying to help her with both of these. And while this isn't really what I expected for a BDSM novel, I did really like the romantic scenes because I feel like I really could have related to Regina in a lot of ways and so I just really liked her. So I am basically pleading with Logan Belle to give us a follow up. I cannot stress that enough. But in the end, I do recommend this book and I look forward to reading more of Logan's work. 

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

That time when I was offered a mustache ride.

So this past weekend was a super fun weekend out with friends for their birthdays. I kind of get excited when my friends have birthdays because it's an excuse to go out AND I get to buy presents.

Three couples were all going to meet on Saturday at the Shout House in Minneapolis for dinner, drinks, and shenanigans. Obviously all three were had. It was supposed to be Matt and I, with Tammy and Chad (who we shared a hotel room with) and then we were all going to meet Emily and Cory. Good stuff. So on Thursday I was at work and our work study Amber pointed out that St. Louis Park (suburb of Minneapolis and subsequently where our hotel was) was pretty much ghetto. She then texted me a crime map that had a disturbing amount of dots. Fortunately for us, it ended up being in a really nice neighborhood near some pretty cool stuff and the hotel was nice.

Oh except for the fact the hallways smelled like the inside of a dumpster. But other than that, it was totally fine.

So here's a tip- if you are going to go to the Shout House I recommend that you get a reservation and then get there before 5. Because we were there around 4:15 and yeah- line already.
 I also recommend that you not even bother with food. It's typical bar food but your waitress isn't going to be very good and it'll take you almost 30 minutes to get your Coke. Not to mention the hour to get your chips and salsa. And then bring you your burger with no ketchup. And then not come back. And then, on top of it all, get everyone's bill wrong. BUT, the plus side is you'll walk out not paying for your husband's beers.
 But the best part, besides hanging out with some of my favorite people and singing along with the pianists and being some of the youngest people there, is that you will see pregnant people drinking beer!
Now some of you might be like, "Oh Sara- she clearly had a sandwich, that's why her belly is like that." And then I will say no, because when she turned a little more, clearly a 3-4 month old belly. I told Tammy I should start carrying around pamphlets on fetal alcohol syndrome or something.

Oh and then there was that awkward moment when a super huge guy with a porn mustache came over, in front of Matt, to tell me that he thinks I'm really hot and him and his friend Ben want to meet me. Of course, the rest of the people at the table crack up because hello- this not only happens all of the time, but this time Matt was RIGHT THERE. So I say that I didn't think my husband would appreciate if I did that, and he proceeds to tell me I'm really pretty, then says he's going to shake my husband's hand. So he does, and I'm standing there like, what the fuck, and he apparently tells Matt he's a really lucky guy and he should keep an eye out. Matt of course says nothing because he's deadpan on everything all of the time, and my friends crack up and keep teasing me about maybe taking a ride on the mustache. Because his friend also had a porno face thing going on and it wasn't working for either of them. But at least I can say I'm consistent when it comes to attracting the best the crowd has to offer.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Poop Whisperer

Folks, if there is ever anything you need to know about poop or how poop comes to be, I am your gal. And I will be forever and ever apparently.

So today was Olivia's big day at the pediatric urology specialist. We dropped Jackson off at school and then promptly got on the road to drive to Minneapolis. Never mind the fact that I was tired anyways this morning, then you add a 2 1/2 hour drive to the Children's Hospital and then another 2 1/2 hours back home? YAWN. Anyways. The Children's Hospital is kind of in the ghetto with an outrageously expensive parking garage with hands down, the most confusing parking garage elevator ever.

Anyways.

We did the Xray (after they had no idea which of the two radiology departments I was supposed to go to) and that was uneventful. Minus the fact that we were the whitest people in there AND I don't think anybody else spoke English. Olivia looked pretty damn confused when some random kid just starts blabbing to her in some unidentifiable language. The petrified "what the fuck, mom?" face was kind of hilarious.

After the Xray we go to the third floor because the massive sign by the elevator says that pediatric urology is on the third floor. But guess what? It is NOT on the third floor no matter what the sign says. It's even better when they have no idea where it is and have no where to direct you. So somehow we are told to go to the fifth floor and walk around until you see the sign. But they don't know what the sign would say, but I'd probably know it when I saw it.

Thanks.

Eventually while wandering the fifth floor I see a sign that matched what was on the letterhead of the crap they mailed me so I assume that's where I go. Because I am smart and I was right. The guy then asks me if Olivia could pee in a cup. (This is only after I called yesterday to ask if I needed to have her pee in the cup and they tell me no because unless she has symptoms of an UTI it's not needed so we're good to go.)I tell him that peeing in the cup was not going to happen no matter how much he willed it and force fed her water- it wasn't going to happen. Been there, done that.

So then we see the two nurse practioners who are super nice. They are both taking notes and asking me a million questions and then show me the X-ray. Do you want to guess what I saw??

Come on.

You're right!

We saw a ton of poop. It basically looked like everywhere poop could be, it was. Poop party up in Olivia. It was awful. It's awful not just because it's poop and poop is gross but because her diet is specifically catered to happy poop leaving her body in a timely fashion. But apparently, it's not good enough. So then I'm told several things:

  • She will have to be on Miralax oh, pretty much forever. 
  • I also need to do a crash course in being a nurse and a pharmacist because I need to find a daily dose to give her that produces at least one, but preferably two Type 4 poop. You're like, "What's Type 4 poop, Sara?" Well, I'm here to educate you on the type of poo. 
TYPE 1 Separate hard lumps, like nuts. Harder to pass

TYPE 1 - Seperate hard lumps, like nuts. Harder to pass
This indicates that you have a lack of fibre, insufficient fluid intake and a slow transit time. Increase your intake of water, herbal teas, raw fruit and vegetables, cooked grains such as brown rice, quinoa and millet, sprouted pulses, flax seeds and olive oil. Avoid meat, dairy, wheat, eggs, refined carbohydrates and sugar. 

TYPE 2 Sausage shape but lumpy

TYPE 2 - Sausage shape but lumpy
This indicates the stool has spent too long in the colon. More water and fibre are needed. Increase your intake of water, herbal teas, fruit and vegetables, cooked grains such as brown rice, quinoa and millet, sprouted pulses, flax seeds and olive oil. Avoid meat, dairy, wheat, eggs, refined carbohydrates and sugar.

TYPE 3 Like a sausage but with cracks on the surface
TYPE 3 - Like a sausage but with cracks on the surface
The cracks on the surface indicate that the stool maybe a bit dry. Increase water intake.

TYPE 4 Like a sausage or snake, smooth and soft
TYPE 4 - Like a sausage or snake, smooth and soft
This is a healthy bowel movement that is easy to pass - well done!

Type 5 Soft blobs with clear cut edges which pass easily
TYPE 5 - Soft blobs with clear cut edges which pass easily
This may indicate that your bowels are moving a bit too fast. This can lead to nutrient deficiencies and dehydration. Increase your fibre especially from cooked whole grains such as brown rice, millet and quinoa. Supplementing with probiotics may well improve digestion and absorption. Psyllium husks can also improve bowel movements.

TYPE 6 Fluffy pieces with ragged edges, a mushy stool
TYPE 6 - Fluffy pieces with ragged edges, a mushy stool
Again, the mushiness indicates that insufficient water has been re-absorbed from the stool, indicating a rapid transit time and poor absorption of nutrients. This may be caused by poor diet, food intolerances and/or an imbalance in gut bacteria. Eat whole grains as indicated above. Avoid having too much fruit, raw vegetables and juices for a while. Supplement with probiotic capsules or powder to repopulate the gut with good bacteria.

TYPE 7 Watery, no solid pieces. Entirely liquid
TYPE 7 - watery, no solid pieces. Entirely liquid
This is not good and probably indicates an infection of some kind. Get checked out by your doctor. Eat well cooked brown rice and home made vegetable soups to replace lost electrolytes. Make sure you replace lost fluids with water or herbal teas. Probiotics can help to repopulate the gut with good bacteria.

OK, so all of you should be educated on poop. Identify your own poop and map out your own game plan. 

Anyways. So in addition to that, all of Olivia's parts that make poop as well as her bladder have been thoroughly abused by being a constipated little kid from birth. To the point where the GI and Urologist person don't think that even with having her poop totally on schedule and regulated, that things will go back to the way they should be. In short, she will have poop and pee problems pretty much forever and I should just get happy with that. Oh, and THEN, (and this is really the best part) let's say I get the poop all figured out and she still has pee issues... guess what? They can give her medicine to make her bladder calm the fuck down. The hilarious part of this? The side effect? 

Guess. Seriously, just guess. 

CONSTIPATION. 

Seriously, just fucking kill me now. 

Monday, November 12, 2012

The Laws of Love

Raise your hand if you  need a really quick book to read? Like read-it-in-one-sitting and it's really good kind of book?

Then put your hand down because you look ridiculous and just buy this book.

The Laws of Love - Lisa White


Because having it all does not necessarily mean having it all at once…
In a small, Virginia town where fly-fishing is the favorite pastime and Hampton Steel is essentially the only employer, Associate General Counsel Livi Miller believes she has reached the top rung of Hampton Steel’s corporate ladder. With her alcoholic boss retiring soon, Livi is the presumptive heir to Hampton Steel’s general counsel position. However, in the midst of proving herself promotion-worthy, Livi’s high school sweetheart, Jake Cooper, returns from Iraq and causes long-lost butterflies to alight in Livi’s emotionally charged stomach. The resulting loss of her promotion to slimy newcomer Edward Winston combines with her rekindled feelings for Jake to place Livi on track to choose between her career and her heart.
If she chooses Hampton Steel, she saves her hometown. If she chooses Jake, she saves her butterflies as well as herself.
I know I've talked about romance novels having really lame women as leads and how this drives me insane. Because most women worth knowing aren't falling over themselves in despair and broken hearts, their entire life doesn't revolve around some guy, and they aren't afraid to do for themselves. Which is exactly how Livi Miller is in this book. I absolutely loved her and I really liked her common sense approach to her alcoholic boss, the work drama, and Jake. 
Which I'm going to say it- I kind of didn't like Jake. Because he was kind of a jerk to Livi and I was afraid he wouldn't come around and just end up being a jerk forever. He's a well written character and he's what you expect he would be like if he were a real person, but I just didn't like his "me or your job" attitude. I mean, it's 2012, women can work, buddy. 
And I wish I could tell you how THAT ends up but it kind of ruins it for you. But the book reads fast and it's listed at 147 pages but I'm telling you, you'll fly through it. I will say some of my favorite parts are their reminiscing. But the downside is that with it being a short book I feel like some parts were rushed. A few passages could have had a little... more to them, but I don't feel like the story is less good because it's not as long. Everything felt finished to me, and that's more than I can say for some other books I've read with hundreds of pages. 
Overall? Good, solid read. It'd make a fun holiday gift for a friend or stocking stuffer. (What? You don't stock stockings with books? You should. Loser.)
Lisa has a website, a Facebook, and you can see what other tour stops are saying about her book here

Friday, November 9, 2012

A Dear Sara for once.

So I had a really good Dear Sara question come in the other day and I decided that I would share it with you. And my response, of course.

Dear Sara, 
What was your first love like? Why did you break up? I'm in high school, and I've been dating the same guy for my entire senior year and it just feels... like it's done? But I don't know if it really is or if I should just try harder. I don't even know if I really love him, but I think I do. I also don't want to hurt his feelings and I feel like I would and then it would just be weird the rest of the year until May when we're done. So, should I wait until then, or just not? 

First off, a good life lesson is that when it feels done? It is probably long past done. I'll tell you about my first love and what I learned about myself during that time.

I met my first boyfriend at my very first job. I was 17 and by then I so desperately wanted a boyfriend. I hadn't even kissed a boy yet and it was awful. But J was older than me, wasn't boy next door good looking, had kind of a reputation for being a partier and was hilarious. I absolutely loved working with him and I looked forward to the schedule coming out so I knew which days we'd work together.

Eventually one night we closed together and right before my dad picked me up, J handed me a note that basically said he liked me (swoon) and wanted to go on a date. At the time, I didn't realize how totally balls-less that was but I was more impressed because it was kind of romantic. I'm pretty sure my dad knew the gig but thankfully  never said a word about it. So J and I did go on a date, which consisted of us going out to eat, I think. It was kind of great. Even though I had to drive and I think I even paid? I don't remember.

I do remember that we didn't even kiss for like two weeks. I was terrified. Totally terrified. And it was awkward but awesome, on a park bench. From then, I basically couldn't get enough of him. We hung out all of the time and he made me feel like I was an adult. I was totally naive, and inexperienced, and it didn't matter because he made me feel like I was a total princess.

Fast forward a few months and we were engaged. Folks, I KNOW. I know how incredibly dumb that is in retrospect, but believe me- I thought I was bad ass for walking into my senior year of high school already engaged. I had bridal magazines in my back pack and I actually had a ring. It was amazing. I really felt like J and I were going to make a future together. He was romantic, he really loved me, he treated me really well, I got love letters and presents and everything was what I thought it would be.

Then one day in October he told me that we're engaged, and we know we're going to be together... we should just have sex. And at the time, I kind of bought it. I mean, it made sense. I wanted to wait until I got married to have sex and I really thought I was going to marry J. I should just include here that my parents really didn't like him. They had no idea I was already engaged at this point because quite frankly, I was scared to say anything. But back to October. I totally fell for his line and gave away my virginity. Right then and there.

Afterwards? I felt dirty. I felt used. It wasn't romantic and I was so confused. I thought that it was supposed to be special and landmark moment in a person's life and it wasn't. It wasn't anything. It was basically and in/out thing and that was it. And because it didn't feel like anything I never enjoyed it because I didn't realize that you could. To be completely honest, I had no idea what the big deal about it was.

When I turned 18 that following March I decided I had to tell my parents about my engagement. I was terrified. It should have been a clue that J didn't want to tell my parents with me. He left me to do it on my own. And I remember clearly my dad having a total look of disbelief on his face and him asking me where the fuck J was and my mom crying.  Crying HARD and I felt like shit. It wasn't a happy moment and I remember feeling like I was a huge disappointment.

Then I graduated high school. J didn't want me to go to the all night party because he said it was stupid and a total waste of time. He couldn't go obviously and so he felt like I was passing him up for my friends. So I didn't go. And to this day- I regret it.

In the fall I started college and I had three jobs. I didn't have a ton of time for friends so I didn't have any. J convinced me all I really needed was him. And if I really loved him, I wouldn't need anyone else. So I believed him. I worked, I went to school, and I was with him. He wasn't super supportive of me going to school and I didn't know why but I didn't care. I knew no matter what I was going to graduate college.

Fast forward to my second year of school. We decided that it was time to move in together. We moved into this really horrible, ghetto, expensive apartment. Some day I'll do a post on how shitty that apartment was because it was pretty memorable. I also know that we broke up with a few weeks of moving in together. A lot of things culminated at once and I don't know if it was any one thing that made it a done deal or if it was a culmination of a lot of things that I had been feeling for awhile.

I found out J was basically a chronic liar. I loved him a lot and I put a lot of faith in what he told me but it turned out he had been lying the entire time. I had met a girl who started laughing when I told her I was engaged to J. Turns out, she was too. And at least one other girl he dated. To say I was crushed was an understatement. Then I found out he didn't have a job like he said he did and he hadn't in years. I was so angry I could barely breathe. About the same time that all of this was happening I realized I wanted friends. I wanted to go out and do stuff you do when you're 19. And dumb.

Also around that same time I found myself crushing on my boss at my new job. Which totally was epic FAIL on so many levels, but I knew at that moment, things with J were done. My first love was done. And I was sad. I really felt like a failure and now when I think of that I laugh. I went home that night and broke up with J and decided that I had to find something else for me. J was upset. I was upset. I think he felt like I betrayed him but I know I did the best I could. I never cheated on him but I remember telling him that I wanted to date other people. I was finally figuring out that I can't possibly know if what I have is what I really want the rest of my life if I have nothing to compare it to. He didn't understand that and I feel bad that we left on bad terms. I moved back home on Thanksgiving Day and I cried for an entire month. I also ended up dating my boss for two weeks and quitting my job. I was having a hard time in school and basically everything was going to hell.

I spent all of December crying in my bedroom at my mom's house, doing homework, and working my part time job barely making it. I also shopped like nobody else ever did and it was that time in my life that screwed me. Even now, when I am sad or depressed? I shop even when I can't afford it. It's bad.

But in January, Matt asked me out on a date. I was skeptical. But I hadn't left my mom's house in a month so  figured why not? And the rest? Is history. Matt was the fireworks, the butterflies, the sun and the moon. He was everything J wasn't and I knew right then that Matt was it. I didn't need any other guy, I knew Matt was THE guy for me. He was honest, he had a job, he loved me, he encouraged me in everything, and he just did everything he could to make me happy.

So the bottom line? When something is done, you need to be honest with yourself and the guy. It's OK for him to be hurt for awhile and you will too. But you don't know what opportunities you are going to miss sticking around waiting for a good time. There is never a good time to break up with a person. And you know what? If you aren't getting what you need out of a relationship, you have to move on. And you'll be fine. No matter what. Better things come around and always when you least expect it.

Back To You

So a few weeks ago I was asked to review this book and to be honest, I didn't put a whole lot of thought into it before I got it. Then I got the book, and I re-read the synopsis and totally thought this was one that I would really like. As it turns out, I absolutely love it.

Back To You - Priscilla Glenn
Back to You
When Lauren Monroe first laid eyes on Michael Delaney back in high school, she had every reason to stay away from him; within minutes of their first encounter, his volatile actions confirmed his notorious reputation. But Lauren saw something in him that caused her to question his bad-boy persona, and against her better judgment, she took a chance. She had no way of knowing that the unlikely friendship they formed would become so important to her. Or that it would end so painfully. Eight years later, when Lauren begins her new job at Learn and Grow Day Care, Michael is the last person she expects to see. Refusing to revisit the hurt and confusion of their past, Lauren vows to keep her distance from him. But staying away from Michael proves to be more difficult than she thought, despite her lingering grief and her instincts for self-preservation. As Lauren and Michael recall the friendship that changed them forever and the events that tore them apart, will they finally be able to heal? Or will the ghosts of Michael’s past prove to be too much to overcome?

So you know I don't say it much but I absolutely loved the characters, I loved the story, I loved the entire thing. A lot. I finished this baby in a matter of hours because I could not stop. 

Basically this story bounces back from present day, their high school years, and a few chapters of Michael's childhood. And I know some of you are like, "Dammit Sara, I hate when books do that!", and to that I say shut up because it's done really well in this book. No extra thinking is involved, it flows really nicely and naturally. The other really great thing about this book is that Priscilla doesn't put a bunch of unnecessary information and detail. You know I hate that. 

And I found myself rooting for Michael and Lauren the entire time. Sure, Michael has seriously major childhood issues that he carries into adulthood, granted. And Lauren tries really hard to help him and be supportive but she misinterprets everything he does. And because both of them are young, and clueless, their friendship and budding relationship, goes to hell. And Michael admittedly does something kind of douchebag but I totally get why he does it, and he didn't do it to be a douchebag. He thought he was doing the right thing but in a high school girl's world, it's totally horrible and awful. 

I also loved how Michael has his own daughter and is a really great dad. He's doing everything he can for his daughter and it's really kind of great. And I love that he just took to it right away where most guys in his shoes would run the opposite way from a newborn. 

Overall? It's a really great love story that isn't over the top, it doesn't have mushy scenes and I kind of wish I had a Michael. I'm just saying. I absolutely loved this story and I think you'll really like it. 

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Let's all vote in an election that matters. My car needs a name, dammit.

Remember how almost a month ago I announced I got a new car and she needs a name. I've already decided it was a girl. You all put in your fabulous suggestions in so you could win a fabulous prize. I already have the prize. Oh, I do.

Matt and I narrowed down the list of awesomeness. But here's where you come in. I need you all to vote. All the pressure is on you. You'll know which choices were heavily favored by Matt.

1. Blue Iris
2. Gideon AKA The Gids (even though this is a boy name, I'd change the gender of my car.)
3. Tits Magee
4. Miriam

I know. These are what we narrowed it down to. How did we do this? I think Matt just picked his one, and then I practiced yelling the name out. Because let's face it, I yell a lot when I drive. Maggie the GPS gets it a lot but if she would just do her job she wouldn't get yelled at. Obviously.

Now, whichever name is picked (by popular vote)- the person who came up with the name is going to win a fabulous prize package. Yay! How do you vote? Leave a comment on this post with your vote. And hurry up, because I have a trip this weekend and I'd like to have something to yell out.

People are scary.

Can I just say, though I'm thrilled Obama won last night, I'm terrified by watching people on TV, seeing people's reactions on websites and Facebook? Holy shit. I remember even 10 years ago it was unheard of to be blatantly racist and disrespectful. If someone had called Bush a crazy ass white cracker, there would have been an outrage. Remember how pissed off people were at Kanye and his terrible "Bush doesn't care about black people?" Even when it was clearly true?

Last night to see so many people speak so disrespectfully about our President was appalling. Have we forgotten that we are to respect people of authority? Or is that just when you feel like it? Aren't we taught to treat everyone the same despite race, creed, ethnicity, religion, etc? But that must be only when it's convenient for us.

I've always said that as a parent I have a higher calling to my children. Sure, it's my job to make sure they grow up to be honest, decent people that are hopefully not criminals. It'd be nice that they grow up to be community volunteers, out to help fellow man, and be a good role model to their peers. But it's hard because not only do I have to instill all of this in them, I have to do it without bias. Without preconceived perceptions and opinions that I have formed on my own.

It means though I don't necessarily believe in God, that I have to leave the option open to them. If my children ask me about God, or what does it mean to be Jewish, or what's a Muslim, I have to inform them without opinion. Let them form their own free thoughts. I don't want my children to go into the world believing something only because I do, but because it's what they hold in their own heart and know in their own mind.

Maybe someday my kids will go to college and come home on break and tell me they want to be Catholic. Or Jewish. Or whatever. Maybe they'll learn that they are gay. Maybe they'll decide they don't want to go to college and are happy working at Target. No matter what they decide, as long as they decide whatever they feel or want to do on their own, I'll support them. Because I will feel as if I succeeded as a parent.

But that's the same with race. If you don't like black people, if you don't like Latinos, if you are pro-white and ship everyone else off? Keep it to yourself. You don't have the right to poison the minds of children. One of the most humbling things is to hear your seven year old daughter ask you why some people don't like people with a different skin color, and you have no reason to give her.

No matter what you think of Obama in regards to his performance as a President, because every other reason you don't like him is insignificant and reflects what kind of person you are, watching him be elected last night was history. If you can honestly say that you watched his acceptance speech and didn't feel hopeful, empowered as an American, and a little patriotic, you need to look at the black cloud on your soul. Really. I don't always think Obama's ideas are awesome, but I respect him because he is our President. And our President is really only as good as the people he leads. So before you lament that we're all screwed and you should move to Canada, is it productive? Or would it be better to work together?

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Oh, you know... just another post to lose readers.

I am the first person to tell you that I really don't know a lot about math, economics, and politics. I'm not ashamed to say I barely made it through my American Government, History, and math classes in high school and college. Mostly because I don't get it and I don't like to pay attention when it requires a lot of brains to get it.

Get it?

But every time there is a Presidential election I really try to use some basic common sense. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I really feel like one of my strengths as a person is that I'm able to look at things more generally. Sure, it might not be something near and dear to my heart, but I try to use common sense to figure out what would be best. So here are my thoughts:

  • Good, bad, or indifferent: Paul Ryan looks like Gilligan and I cannot take someone who looks like Gilligan seriously.
  • Whenever a nominee says you should let Detroit fail, that's alarming. Sure, they should have managed themselves better but can you even imagine what would have happened if we let Detroit fail? Holy shit.
  • And when you have someone from a nominee's camp basically say they won't be run by fact checkers? Holy shit.
  • Is Obama awesome? No. But honestly, if you look at what struggles he faced, and you look at the Congress he had to work with... no surprise that this country hasn't done a total 180. No WONDER. He's basically working with a bunch of late for naptime, nonsharing, tantrum throwing toddlers. Nobody wants to compromise or work together. It doesn't matter who you have in the White House, if we can't work together we're doomed.
  • I don't care what your belief on God and your vagina's rights are, but it s fundamentally wrong to take away the choice to choose. If you are a woman you should be proud of the women that came before us that worked so hard to establish our right to choose, even if it isn't a choice you would choose for yourself. And that's so great to know that for sure for yourself, but not everybody has your support system, your beliefs, your opportunities. Give women that choice. It's a slippery slope to take one right away from people and let's not go there.
  • Any nominee who believes our military needs more money and can't sustain major cuts? Loses my vote. I'm all for keeping us safe but we don't need troops in every country. We aren't even in war. Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran are out of our hands. They don't want us there, let's save our resources for something larger.
  • Any nominee who doesn't think education for our children doesn't need more money? Loses my vote. Schools are struggling all across the country and the only people who will suffer are our children. If we don't give our children the best possible education leading up to college, they won't go to college. If they don't go to college, we go no further. You don't see uneducated people becoming leading innovators.
  • Gay marriage? Why is it in 2012 are we still talking about this? As a straight, married person I have absolutely no right to deny the rights of someone who wants to marry the love of their life. When you look at the divorce rate, us straight people clearly don't know what we're doing either. As a parent with small children, I can't imagine voting against it. I want to give my children every opportunity I've had and more, and what if they grow up and turn out to be gay? I'd hate to think I voted against it and limited their opportunities. Because gay or straight, I want to see my kids get married, have families if they want them, and be as happy as I am.
  • Any nominee who says that on day one he's going to get the ball rolling on "major changes" yet doesn't talk about them? And gives a "you'll see" cryptic message? That is TERRIFYING. I'd rather vote for something I know and be disappointed than vote and be duped and subsequently screwed over.
  • I think the fact that people don't recognize how bad things were financially for our country when Obama started. Truly. Because if you had any idea how bad it was, and fully understand what a Great Depression in our time would have meant, then you would support Obama. Because we avoided that and thank goodness.
  • If you don't like Obama because he's black? Just admit you're a racist. Seriously. I don't believe you if you knock Obama for everything he has done and immediately say, "But I don't care he's black" because you may as well just say, "I'm a racist and I am fully ignorant and I don't understand why." And then stop talking.

I don't know. It's too late to change any body's opinion and I hope that by the time you read this you voted and exercised your right.

In other news, I voted this morning. And can I just say that when you vote? Please fucking know who you are voting for before you get there. Don't debate yourself in the booth. We've got lines and we've all got to get to work, asshole. Also? I'd like to know why my polling place always smells like Bengay and dirty diapers. Ugh.

Monday, November 5, 2012

I'm not a canner but I do have a jiggly ass.

A fun fact about me is that sometimes I get this idea in my head and I feel like I'm going to be epic at it and I'm going to love it and then as it turns out, I really fucking hate it and question why people pass up $.50 cans of lemon curd over making it because lemon curd fucking sucks to make.

And that is how my Saturday was.

A few weeks ago a friend from high school and I signed up for this Continuing Education class called "Gifts From The Kitchen". Basically we were going to learn how to can things that you can give as gifts and end up taking a bunch of stuff home. Neither of us have either canned anything so this was going to be us popping our canning cherry. Except I will say that for awhile there I really thought I'd be this die hard canner because I kind of like the jars and I like having fun kitchen toys so I bought this whole canning-for-dummies kit and a book and yeah. I did nothing. I really felt like I had to have someone walk me through it.

Anyways.

So we went and it was a ton of fun. We made lime curd (which was supposed to be lemon but nobody else did lime so the badasses that we are decided WE would take on lime.), a chocolate-raspberry sauce and we were supposed to get a chance to make this strawberry-cranberry jam, but we didn't. Mostly because as it turns out, we are curd challenged.

I think my problem was that my skills are not in separating egg whites from the yolk. No amount of Food Network programming can really teach you that. Giada does it better than I could WITH manicured nails. I think I suck because I feel like I am playing with a dead baby chicken and it feels wrong.

 I think we were also kind of sabotaged by our kitchen mates. We thought since they were doing lemon curd that we could share the big responsibilities like washing the jars and then someone start the water, etc. We did our part and then they left us high and dry. Whores. And the instructions weren't super clear either so that wasn't helpful. Who knew that making curd requires a LOT of stirring? Well maybe we would have if the instructor wasn't babysitting our neighbors and THEIR curd.

I had curd jealousy.

But then we finished ours and it kind of looks like we blended Kermit.
 So I didn't take any more pictures of the class but I am telling you that I will probably never can again. First off, standing over boiling water is for the fucking birds. Second, it's just cheaper to buy canned goods. Third, by buying canned goods I'm keeping someone in a job. And that's patriotic.

But now I'm on a quest to find more classes to take that aren't super expensive.

But a few of you have asked me if I'm still trying to lose weight, going to Zumba, blah blah blah. Yes. Yes to all of it, including the blah blah blah. But I bought these new spandex pants (I know) from Old Navy on clearance because I sweat a LOT in Zumba so the sweatpants weren't doing it.
They are super comfy and I kind of wish it were appropriate to wear them everywhere because lo- they are comfy. Sadly, spandex isn't in for every day wear so I will wait for that. But in the meantime, my legs look effing awesome. Look at those calves! And my ass! It's still very bubble but that's OK. I just need to work on my top half and we're good. I also want to note that my thighs? Much less jiggly. Yay for Zumba! But these are going to be really good running pants in the summer so that's exciting. AND I bought a size large.

Let that sink in.

They are only a size large. *squee*

Tomorrow- we'll talk miracles and closet doors. Which may or may not be the same thing, equally exciting nonetheless.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Surrender the Dark

Raise your hand if:
  • You like short books.
  • You like books in a series.
  • You like books with action and danger.
  • You like books with romance and a good story.
Well put your hand down because you are probably alone and you look stupid with your hand in the air for no reason. But you're in luck anyways, because I have a book for you that fits all of these and you will love it.

Surrender the Dark (The Three Musketeers #1) - Donna Kauffman
Surrender the Dark (Loveswept)
Rae Gannon is stunned to find her ex-boss bleeding from a gunshot wound, mere paces from her front door. It has been two years since her move to the remote Blue Ridge Mountains, where she tried to erase the memories and the pain she suffered from having been part of McCullough’s team. Yet as Rae tends to Jarrett’s battered body she realizes that the air between them is still sizzling with a slow-burning need. But this time there are more than just hearts at stake. The mission that almost got Jarrett killed threatens to put Rae back in harm’s way. And if they surrender to their desires, it may cost them their lives.

I really liked Rae and I really liked Jarrett. Both of them have issues separately and together and they both view it differently. But what makes their dynamic really great is that Jarrett doesn't discredit her feelings. For those of you who don't read a ton? That's not super common. Usually you have the guy who's kind of an arrogant asshole, very take charge, and doesn't take into consideration that other people have feelings.

Basically though, this is about Rae who used to work for Jarrett, but she's fairly traumatized from that work. Jarrett is still in the business so to speak and ends up on Rae's door (well, kind of) because of it and he is in near-death shape. Having a soft heart she takes him in with the intentions of kicking his ass to the road as soon as he can walk there. But then nothing happens as it seems and they fall for each other and she agrees to help even though it's traumatic for her.

The only thing I could say is that if Donna wants to add more danger? Go for it. It kind of reminds me of a Linda Howard book (and I'm a huge Linda Howard fan). *spoiler* I expected the bad guys to come crashing into the house, violence, etc. And despite all of that, I still really liked this book. Rae and Jarrett and really great and I love their dynamic, their relationship, and how the relationship developed leading to her going on a mission.

It is a really fast read and I got it done in just a few hours and I really, really liked it. I'm already working on getting the others in this series because if they are written half as well as this one? I'll be in heaven.

Smashing Pumpkins. Not as an activity, but a concert.

I can't believe I haven't gotten some of my pictures up yet.You'll be disappointed, I had no pictures of me here. *sad face* But I do have stories!

So a few weekends ago I went to see the Smashing Pumpkins with my friend Tammy and we were going to meet my friend Kate from high school. I was super excited because the Smashing Pumpkins hold a soft spot in my heart and THE band of my high school years. And then to see Kate again (we haven't seen each since high school- twelve years ago!!!) it was kind of like re-living high school. So off we went.

The opening band was Anberlin, who I really love and they have a new album that is great. Seriously. Go get their new album Vidal- you won't regret it. SUCH a great album. But the best part about this is that I got Stephen's (the lead singer) water bottle because Tammy dived for it and gave it to me. She's a great friend.
See? That's Anberlin and they are great.

Then the Smashing Pumpkins came on and I am not afraid to say I maybe lost my shit for a second. But before I talk about that, can I tell you who I'm standing next to? Hands down the most obnoxious 7 people in the world. First up, we have dread locks girl in front of me- her hair smelled so horrible. I can't even speak of it. Then we had her friend who had a tank top and marginal looking tattoo on her back. But she was sweaty and kept backing into me, so her clammy back hit my face. Gross. Then in front of them were like Amazon people- and they kept backing their asses into us. And can I just say? If you are really fucking tall? You have no business being in the front row. You don't.

Then we have Todd. His real name isn't Todd (we don't think) but he is what you call the obnoxious drunk guy spilling his drink everywhere. This particular Todd kind of looked like a hippie version of David Lee Roth. As it turns out, he's 43 and rubbed my ass the entire time. And asked for my number multiple times. I could go nowhere and do nothing because as Kate would say, it was nuts to butts up in there.

Anyways. The Smashing Pumpkins were good. Billy Corgan is still bald except he's slightly larger and his jeans don't fit quite like they used to. But honestly, I wanted to bang him when I was 16 and I still love him now. *swoon* What can I say, I have a thing for bald boys.
The only thing I am kind of meh on? Is that their new album isn't that great and they played the entire thing. I was really bummed that we didn't hear more of the "dusties" as Billy called them.
But they did a few. The ones I can remember were Tonight, Tonight, X.Y.U. , Disarm, Bullet with Butterfly Wings, Zero and a couple more. But some of the really great songs die-hard fans really love? Not played. Sad.
Overall it was good and we had a great time. I'm bummed that I didn't get a picture of hte three of us but that's OK. Next time. ;)