Sunday, January 27, 2013

I AM NOT A “sexy porn gerl” and other Twitter Mishaps (Guest Post)

Oh lambwhores.. I have a treat for you. Tomorrow I am doing a review of Melodie Campbells' book The Goddaughter, but today? Today you get a guest post from her. Show Melodie some love and your tales of woe... I'm sure you'll all relate to this!


I AM NOT A “sexy porn gerl” and other Twitter Mishaps 

By Melodie Campbell 

It started with the Berlin Brothel.  Lord knows why a brothel in Berlin decided to follow me on Twitter.  I don’t live in Berlin.  I’ve never worked in a brothel.  Don’t think I’ve even typed the word ‘brothel’ before now.  I certainly haven’t said it out loud. 

Then some wag from Crime Writers of Canada said: “Maybe they’ve read your first book Rowena Through the Wall.  That’s it!  The girls who work there have to do something in their downtime.” 

Let me do a cyberspace blush here.  Okay, my first book is a little hot.  “Hot and hilarious” as one reviewer put it.  But it’s not x-rated.  It’s not even R, according to my daughter.  (Husband has yet to read it.  We’ve hid it well.) 

Then friend Alison said: “It’s a brothel!  Maybe your latest comedy, The Goddaughter, is required reading by the owners.” 

But back to Berlin.  I didn’t follow them back. Somehow, that didn’t matter.  The word was out. 

Amateurvids’ announced they were following me.  Good, I thought.  I like nature films.  Take it from me, this outfit doesn't film bunnies in the wild.  Well, maybe a certain type of wild bunny. 

I didn’t follow them back. 

Then ‘Dick Amateur’ showed up, wanting to connect. Friend Gloria read a few of his posts and then said: “You at least deserve a Pro.” 

So I didn’t follow him back. 

Next, I got “Swingersconnect” following me.  Swingers?  I get sick on a tire hanging from a tree! 

I didn’t follow them back. 

Then two days ago, an outfit specializing in ‘male penis enhancement’ turned up.  Now, I ask you.  Do I look like a male in my profile photo?  Is Melodie a male name?  And not to be pedantic, but isn’t ‘male’ in front of the p-word a bit redundant?  Is there any other kind? 

Which brings me to the tweet in my twitter-box today:  “Hey sexy porn gerl!” (yes, that’s girl with an e).  Let me state categorically that I am not now and have never been a “sexy porn gerl” (with an ‘e’ or any other vowel). 

You wouldn’t want me to be.  No one would.  For one thing, I can’t see two feet in front of me without glasses.  Things that used to be perky now swing south. And my back hurts if I bend over to pick up a grape.   

So I’m not following them back. 

3 comments:

Shirley said...

I get emails from the Scooter Store, Mature Dating Online, and The Hot Sugar Daddy Network. I'm not sure at what point in my life things went wrong.

Melodie Campbell said...

Laff! Sara, we should be following each other. We definitely attract the same crowd.

Eileen Ward said...

Hahaha so awesome. You CAN block people on there. I do it all of the time to spammers.