Saturday, January 5, 2013

Resolving to... not be a fattie? This sucks. Oh, and how I almost died at the YMCA.

I think almost everyone I know has had "not be fat" as a New Year's resolution for oh.. most of their lives. And I always start out with hard core intentions and then yeah... I love me some french fries and I cannot lie. I'm kind of over feeling chunky though and for real this time. Granted, I'm no where near my heaviest, but the thought of getting back to that point if I don't get back onto the wagon is kind of horrifying.

I was ECSTATIC when I fit back into my size 12's that I promptly rewarded myself with several months of eating like shit and doing the bare minimum of movement and hey- is anyone surprised that my 12's are feeling snug? Because though I'd like to shake my fist at Jeebus I can't because it really is of my own doing.

So this year?

This year is IT. Swearsies.

And as horrifying as it is to say, I have had the running itch. I know- this is crazy talk and I probably have low blood sugar or something right now but in the last few weeks I realize that while I hate running and feel like I'm going to die but not before puking everything I had eaten that day into someone's lovely yard, that was when I was most fit. Sure, I had a little extra cushion over every part of my body except my calves which looked amazing, but I didn't feel like a beached whale when I laid on the couch to watch Mob Wives. I mean, I really felt like I was on the way to not being a beached whale.

In the last few months I've been going to Zumba for sure once a week but most of the time twice. I really love it and I always feel like I worked some of my baby pouch off. Recently our instructor started teaching on Wednesdays at the Y so I think I am going to start going to that so I can get my third session in. It's all a matter of finances at this point. But at our class on Sunday, the instructor tells my friend and I that there is a class try out night on Wednesday and for two and a half hours you try out classes and then you can sign up. Totally free, and I figured- sure. Because I like classes and if I found something else I liked then I can sign up for that and be one of those crazy bitches who are all, "I live to work out!!" which is shit because you know they probably go home and eat a pan of brownies or some shit.

Anyways.

So I went. I almost didn't, and I had to literally force myself to go because believe it or not, as I get older I hate new situations more and more. I don't like meeting new people, I don't like looking like an uncoordinated fat ass in front of strangers and quite frankly, I'm not athletic. I hate physical activity.

There was a lineup of classes and each class had a mini workout of four songs and I'm going to be honest, it was horrifying and I almost cried. I know I swore a lot. The lady in front of me was trying hard not to laugh but when I almost fell of my stupid step thing for the eighth time in 3 minutes it was too much for her.

We started with the RIP class with a super nice and perky instructor. I would only consider taking that class because she would be really fun I think but the aftermath of this is terrible. It is now Saturday and I can still barely move and I know it's from doing 200 squats and 100 bicep curls over the course of 4 songs. I think the class is normally an hour long? I would DIE. I would have to not work and hope my kids could get to school themselves because I barely got out of bed these last few days. But it's a lot of squats and shit using a body bar. And my bar was only 12 pounds and that's apparently the wussy weight because most everyone else had added weights to it as their light bar. Anyone who knows me know I have almost no arm strength so I would probably take out people around me if I had weights.

Next up with a stepping class which I've always thought I'd maybe like. WRONG. I fucking hate stepping. I also didn't like the instructor. I'm sorry, but if you have to lead a work out using note cards? I don't like you. She didn't get anyone really excited and she went so fucking fast I didn't know what I was doing. Admittedly, after two songs I sat it out because I am not joking when I say I almost took people out. I've also learned that short people? Aren't really cut out for stepping. It's like leaping for me and that's not something an uncoordinated person should do.

Then we had cardio kickboxing. Now, I've been trying to get to a kickboxing class for months and so I was super excited about this. Hate. Hated this class. First up, the instructor was scary and seemed overly aggressive. I also didn't enjoy any of it. Then, as I'm kicking and shit, I feel my hip pop out of its socket. Fun fact- my hips? Pop in and out of their sockets all of the time. It's super annoying when you're trying to have sex and stuff, but even more when you are let's just say... kickboxing. Really painful. So I ended up having to sit down and after a few minutes of wiggling, I felt it pop back in. Yay.

Then we had Zumba with our instructor and I know I did not look like a loser there. I did it and the lady next to me said she was just going to copy me. So that was good.

Oh, and then we finished with yoga. Which, I don't love. We'll leave it at that.

So overall I left the YMCA feeling like a larger fat ass, disappointed that nothing was fun enough to make me s hell out a monthly membership or the inflated price of just taking a class, and exhausted. Fast forward to Thursday when everything on my body felt like I had been beaten with a body bar and I peed in my pajamas because I could not sit down fast enough.

It was pretty much the rock bottom moment when you know you can't keep going on being a fat ass.

So I am resolving to my twice a week Zumba, with a third day option if I'm free on Wednesday. I am also not dumb enough to know I can quit fast food cold turkey because I just listened to a radio program where they did research that fast food is addictive.. just as much as drugs would be. I laughed at that until I tried the cold turkey method. By day three I was literally so sick and it was all I could think about. I'm assuming something like heroin is a million times worse and that is horrifying because I'm sure Matt was scared. I demanded he go get me french fries and he did but he looked at me like I had officially lost my fucking mind. I'm also realistic- we eat fast food because it's fast. There are nights when literally, I don't get home until 7 or 8 at night and the thought of cooking at that point is obscene. So I am going to limit fast food to once per week.

So far, I'm sucking at that but I'm going to get better. I know it. Today will be tough, no lie. I'll probably break down but I'm going to try hard. Plus, I need the room in my budget because we have a LOT of large expenses for this year and I'll need every extra dollar I can get.

6 comments:

♫ Drazil ♪ said...

You aren't sucking - you are TRYING. That's what matters. There's no rule that says you ever have to love fitness. You just need to love what fitness DOES for your health and mind and body. You got this. You're a fighter.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

And that is why you have 700 plus people following you, you are so freaking funny lol.

I haven't tried any classes because my gym is more of just a a weight lifter's gym but I might be changing soon.

Did you do the couch to 5k program? I know you were running before me but it worked really well for me to get started.

I'm on day FIVE of no soda this morning. Even went to the bar and didn't have my usual drink with diet coke. Ugh that shit is hard to kick!

middle child said...

I used to think about being skinny. Then I just decided to be me and that one day my body type would be in style. Well Yeah, 'course I'm still waitng.

Amber said...

Hey, I was shocked as shit when I watched Super Size Me and found out that fast food was addictive, but hten it made a whole shit load of sense.

I mean, I love me some fast food too, but the thing that is so damn appealing some times is the fact that it is fast and it means I don't have to do shit when I get home from working all damn day.

So I totally ge tyou r point girlfriend.

Eileen Ward said...

I am so in the same boat as you...I HATE new situations. I always feel awkward as fuck and have no idea what to say...then I feel like people think I'm some freak. Case in point today after the Zumba class I dragged my ass to, I was trying to talk to this group of ladies and I felt like a moron.
Anyways--just look at the Y classes as a blessing b/c you totally are saving money now! Zumba is an awesome workout in itself. Worry not!
I'm really psyched I got Aaron on my health kick this year. Let's see if he can lose his 30lbs before his best friends wedding. I was all stressed about fitting into a nice dress for it, but then all his friends apparently got pregnant. I'm not quite as worried anymore. I am however worried about finding a pretty dress for the wedding I'm matron (omg I feel freaking old) of honor at the end of the year.
So I ordered chinese tonight, but I got steamed chicken and veggies...and it was delicious. So I feel less of a fat ass. I'm going to drink another bottle of water until I think I'm going to burst, and then I'll do my starting weight for my weight loss challenge that starts tomorrow. Btw--any interest in joining? It's on facebook. My zumba teacher runs it, and you can win moneeeyyyy....it's $15 (well 10 b/c I would get 5 off if you joined and I'd just give it to you)

Matt said...

I'm lucky that we get a discount at work for the Y otherwise there would be no way I could afford the membership. Haven't taken any classes though.

My brother-in-law and I are currently in the calorie counting system but have one "non-counting" day so we don't have to quit cold turkey