The thing about marriage is that it's hard. I don't know that I believe these couples I see who are all "my husband is so super amazing" because I'm like, "Bitch- he pisses on the toilet like mine does. That's not super amazing."
And while I don't regret getting married, and I don't regret working through really awful, horrible, not fun things with Matt- I would be lying to you and myself if I said that there aren't days where I look at him and I don't know that I would feel bad if he were to spontaneously combust. Or just not come home. I mean, it wouldn't be the end of the world. Sure, I might regret this when the kitchen sink leaks and I don't know what the hell to do, but for the most part- I know I don't need a guy around. I can get by just fine on my own.
Like this last week? It's been hard. Matt is a very moody person just in general which is why the first adjective people come up with is "asshole" for him. It's not that he necessarily IS an asshole, but his quiet demeanor and "I hate life" facial expression isn't really welcoming. Except that is my life every day. Anyone who knows me in real life knows that while I might be a few shades crazy, but I'm a generally upbeat person, I'm fairly laid back, and I like life.
One thing you might now know about me right off is that I am very perceptive of moods and feelings. From a young age I just learned how to gauge people in a room and I act accordingly. Which is why I've been able to work with the different crazy ass employers I've had- because I can switch it up based on the other person. It's quite a handy thing to have. I'm like an emotional chameleon.
The downside to this is that it is really hard for me to remain upbeat and happy when I can feel someone else just hating life and being a jerk. Which happens every single time Matt and I go anywhere. He hates people, he hates doing stuff, he hates just doing anything that requires him to be anywhere except for the couch and work.
It really makes life difficult.
My other issue is that when I tell him that I feel a certain way, I get no response. I could be outright crying my eyes out and I get nothing. There is no concern, no empathy, nothing coming from him. When I'm stressed out and tired and just trying to get everything done? He doesn't even acknowledge it. When I say a really nice thing he could do for Mother's Day is to get me a massage and a pedicure package, his response? "That's a waste of money." And he means it. He really doesn't get it that I have feelings and he continually tromps on them.
So finally on Sunday I just had it. I am at the end of my rope. I demanded that he get his ass to a doctor, get back on his anti-depressants or else. And I mean it. If you want to hate life, you can do that but you will do it alone. I don't want someone else's bad stuff sucking me dry. I'm a pretty outgoing, happy person and I like that about myself. That's something I hope I remain the rest of my life.
Basically I'm struggling. It's not roses or orgasms up in here and I keep saying to myself that this? This right here is the American Dream. People go their whole lives hoping to have the husband, kids, home, career and for what? This sucks. Sure, I know we'll have better days again but in ones like this it's hard to remember what those good days are like.